Guest Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 I am trying to deal with a messy situation and my head is spinning in every direction. I suppose I am posting this thread to see if anyone can relate. I know my actions are awful...but somehow I fell into a mess and trying to climb out. I have been married for 13 years. The past 2 years have been extremely unhappy. We have two children (3 & 6). I grew up in a broken family and therefore have never wanted to let my children experience what I did. During the lonely 2 years I found myself addicted to a few forums. Well...I was approached by this wonderful man and starting having some wonderful chats with him. The internet is rather easy to hide reality. I soon forgot about the realities in my life because I found myself falling in love with this OM. It even led to trips to visit with him. It was soooo wonderful...he actually cared about me. He has all the qualities I wish my husband had. Anyhow...I was starting to live a lie that felt so right. I realized after the last trip when I saw him, that I had fallen deeply in love with him. I am not good at lying or decieving and it was eating away at me...so I told him about my very unhappy marriage. It was really hard for him. He had fallin in love with me as well and he is a very christian man. We have been going on for 4 months with this issue. Included came many talks..ups and downs...etc. Now..out of the blue he ended it. He is like a drug to me... I am going through a real tough time right now. I didnt ask for all this to happen..it actually happened sooo quickly. So....I am a mess right now...going back and forth on seeing if I should try to make my unhappy marriage work..especially for our children or if I need to be by myself. The OM is right..as hard as that is to admit. I love him deeply...I have let him go...I struggle not to call him. I guess if I can get anything out of this...it would be to share in the experience with others that can relate or to at least warn married couples to stay away from the internet while in troubled times.
noforgiveness Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 are you saying you never told this man you conversed with for so long that you were married with kids?
peacelove Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 She did tell him she was married. That's why he bailed out.
noforgiveness Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 She did tell him she was married. That's why he bailed out. yes but not until they were in love and met up a few times and all. She told him after the fact i think.
oyster Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 I guess if I can get anything out of this...it would be to share in the experience with others that can relate or to at least warn married couples to stay away from the internet while in troubled times. not true, internet or not, you will meet other men (OM) whereever you go. I meet a married woman at a coffee shop and became her emotioanal support / affair.
peacelove Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 Married men should be marked with an "M" on the forehead just like the signature mark of most tabby cats. The same should go for married women.
bluetuesday Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 He is like a drug to me... I am going through a real tough time right now. I didnt ask for all this to happen..it actually happened sooo quickly. So....I am a mess right now...going back and forth on seeing if I should try to make my unhappy marriage work..especially for our children or if I need to be by myself. The OM is right..as hard as that is to admit. I love him deeply...I have let him go...I struggle not to call him. first up, i'm really sorry you're going through this. i know how tough it is to feel that you're in love and to lose that person. it sucks and i won't minimise how much pain you're in. lots of people on the shack have been in similar relationship situations - not exactly the same, but close. loving someone and losing them hurts whatever your circumstances, so i can relate. but lady, we need a chat about some stuff because you've actually been given a good chance, by a man who can clearly see destruction when it's heading his way, to make a fresh start. first, you need to allow that it will take some time for you to stop missing him, but you mustn't contact him again. he has made a choice to move on and it will have been painful for him to do so. let it go now. there is no future for the two of you that wouldn't crucify other people you love. so it's over. life will go on, but you have to accept the fact this relationship is over. second, these circumstances didn't just happen to you - you chose them. you allowed yourself to get to the place where you had feelings for this man. you should have known that spending time online with a man you liked could lead to you developing feelings for him, or him developing them for you. you knew that, yet you chose to ignore it because what you were doing felt good. i have bolded part of your post because this part shows me you've not yet taken responsibility for your actions in this mess. you need to. it really will help you to realise you can shape your life any way you want to. i'm not blaming you for anything. there is no point in placing blame because what's done is done. but you need to realise that what happened to you WAS your choice and you went through the experience because you chose to. at any step of the way, at any moment, you could have pulled back. you didn't. so the pain you're going through now is as a direct consequence of a series of choices you made. perhaps you didn't know they would lead to pain, but you made those choices nonetheless. what happens to you next will also be a choice. you need to find out what's happening in your marriage. i don't know what has caused the extreme unhappiness, but i know that to get to a situation where you are that unhappy takes time, and again it takes you making certain choices about your life. if you choose not to tackle issues it's your choice. if you choose to indulge negative feelings about your husband it's your choice. no one can make you feel anything without your consent, remember that. what i am getting at is that your current life circusmances are a result of lots of little choices you have made, and to turn your life around you need to understand that and start making better choices. from what you're saying, the first 11 years of your marriage were not 'extremely unhappy'. and during that time you and your husband produced two children. so clearly you are not a quitter, you have the ability and the will to make a good marriage with this man. so what has changed? why did you start feeling lonely? did he cheat? become emotionally distant? gamble your money away? you suggest that you think your husband no longer cares for you. why is that? this problem does not have its root in your online relationship - that is just a symptom of another problem, but you already know that. whether you choose to make the marriage work is obviously up to you. i am a fan of marriage and think it should be saved if possible. it will take work but that's what you agree to when you marry, a lifetime of working together for the sake of your own happiness and fulfilment and that of any kids you have. it's not inevitable that you will do to your children what was done to you, and force them to grow up in a broken home. if it happens it will be as a result of a choice you and your husband make. you will choose that either it is worth working on, or it's not. and if you choose it is, you will either commit the time and effort to it, or you will choose not to. what i am trying to stress is that life doesn't just happen to us. we make it happen wittingly or unwittingly, by how we choose to live. if you make every effort to put all thoughts of this internet guy out of your head, delete all your correspondence and photos, and busy yourself in making your marriage work, in cherishing your husband, in loving and caring for your kids and in making your home a happy one because you realise that happiness is not dependent on outer circumstances but is an inner CHOICE, there is no reason why you can't make a great marriage last for ever. if you choose it's not worth it, you will reap the consequences of that choice too. i'd wish you luck but i don't believe in it. we make our own luck. i wish you a lifetime of good choices instead.
riobikini Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 BlueTuesday, I stand up and applaud you for writting the above post! -Rio
bluetuesday Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 BlueTuesday, I stand up and applaud you for writting the above post! -Rio (smile)
Guest Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 are you saying you never told this man you conversed with for so long that you were married with kids? He always new i had kids. I was afraid to tell him about the marriage.
Guest Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 BlueTuesday..... Everything you said is right and I appreciate your response. It's what I need to help focus..which seems to be hard. We had our final goodbyes yeasterday and I accepted that. He tried to contact me on messenger as I was reading your reply....I ignored it. I did make the choice to flirt and become close to him....but i did do this unwittingly. The use of the internet is just sooo easy. I have never had the interest of anyone beyond the internet. Sounds kinda strange... but I wasn't and haven't been out there looking at other men, and I never have. Only on the internet this has happened. I let my weakness and selfishness get the best of me. As far as my husband goes....I am meeting with a counselor tomorrow morning. I want to have a happy family again. I seriously want to feel the love again. We were happy for 11 of the 13 years...something just happened and he started to treat me like one of the children as well as lecturing me, being negative all the time, distancing himself, and getting rude and mean. But I do pray that everyone finds happiness at the end.
bluetuesday Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 As far as my husband goes....I am meeting with a counselor tomorrow morning. I want to have a happy family again. I seriously want to feel the love again. We were happy for 11 of the 13 years... i am delighted to hear this. you have every chance of being happy again with your husband and the fact you're doing something like talking to a counsellor is the best possible sign of you taking a decision to make a good life with the man you married. i sincerely wish you and your family all the best. and no disrespect, but i hope we don't see too much of you around here! loveshack can be as addictive as any online relationship if you're prone to becoming hooked on things - spend your time making real life magical instead. god bless.
Guest Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 i am delighted to hear this. you have every chance of being happy again with your husband and the fact you're doing something like talking to a counsellor is the best possible sign of you taking a decision to make a good life with the man you married. i sincerely wish you and your family all the best. and no disrespect, but i hope we don't see too much of you around here! loveshack can be as addictive as any online relationship if you're prone to becoming hooked on things - spend your time making real life magical instead. god bless. Thank you again....and I don't plan on being around here much.... LOL I stopped myself from becoming a member because I understand my forum addictions. The process of deleting my several memberships will hopefully help me in this messy situation.... but it's hard!
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