hopeto Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 hi!!! I guess it is a DIVORCE. PLEASE read I need more advice and I think hearing it again and again helps me get stronger. I need all the advice I can get. I have seen him make no change none. he has not even contacted shawn for the help needed to even make it work. he has made no effort to even show me that he loves me and so I am guessing that he is really not sorry for what he has done and that he is just ashamed and embarrased. not that he loves me. WHAT DO I DO FOR THE HOLIDAYS? we will be spending the holidays together because of our daughter and because of family. I dont want to go to familys house nor to his familys house. I feel my self retracting into myself and putting myself in a bubble but I just am not into it this year and I know I have to do this for my daughter but HOW!!! how do I act??????? I know it is over cause he has made no efforts to even work it out and I just cant be the one to make it work this time. he has done something terrible and I just cant over look that. I do love him and would even try on our marriage if he was wanting to from his heart but he does not wont to. if he did he would have gotten help right away , or at least gotten some help by now. he would have seen what he has done is tragic and that he has hurt me beyound what I ever could image. I just dont understand how there is so much hate and anger that people can have. I just understand the being mean and not caring or just down right cold. I am not like this and it is hard for me to understand. I am just a good old country girl with a heart biger than the world and love animals beyound that. I have lots of quilities. why cant he see that? why cant he see that all I have is tenderness for him? WHY,WHY,WHY cant he see?I have alot that I could be angery about. expecally with him doing what he has done and also what has happened to me in the past but I am a stronger person in the heart because of it. I guess he has decided that he does not love me and he does not wont to make it work cause if he did then he would be making every effort to try to make it work by seeking help and by at least talking to me and trying to make it right. I refuse this time to say lets try. I cant do it anymore. I have needs and wants to and I have to start loving me again cause I lost me along time ago trying to tend to his needs. I did not do this. he has, and he has to make it right. I read the justice post the other day and it was so me. all I have is my animals who love me no matter how I treat them and my daughter that is the sole foucus of my life. I DESERVE to be happy, I DESERVE to be loved, and I DESERVE to have the husband who puts me first above all things and loves me no matter what. here is the thing the word LOVE is the issue. I love him and he does not love me. he uses the LORD in alot of things I guess because of my I belive so strongly in him and he says that a wife sould be pleasing to the eye and the part he said that it was not my body but his cause it says in the bible that I gave this to him when we married in which he is right in a small part but what he does is take it out of contents. God was meaning not to lay with another man that my body was my husbands alone and it also says that he should love me as GOD so loved the church and all his people. well GOD loved me so much that he gave his son on my behalf to die for me so that I might live forever in the kingdom of heaven and I think that says it all right there. WHAT DO I DO??????? should I expect to file for a divorce in the spring. he has showed no effort, just focuses on him and him alone and how he is embarrased etc. well I did not do this and I have to be the one to say this is enough cause if he loved me he would treat me so. WHAT DO I DO? it will be spring going into summer for the filing cause money and the bussness is not so good very slow right now. could he change and will he change will he do the things to make it work??? I guess all I have is time to see. I dought it though. thanks for listing.
Gunny376 Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 There's no changing this guy! There's no hope for him and you! Its not you that is sick ~ its him, and part of his sickness is to make you sick. And, he is making you sick from his sickness. His diesase is affecting and infecting you and your daughter! He is a pathalogical socialpath. There is no cure. There is no changing him. He is incapable of changing. He is incapable of feeling, caring, and emotion such as you or I are. He is incapable of empathy, only ampathy. To him you and I are patheic creatures. Get out and get out NOW!
Ladyjane14 Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 HopeTo.... ultimately, the only person who can REALLY help you, is YOU. I think it's great that you're seeing a counselor, and I hope you continue to work closely with him in resolving the issues. But, you have to understand... that it will be YOU who's doing the actual work. The counselor can guide you, but he can't make your decisions for you. So you have to be strong for your family. Each of us make hundreds of little choices every day in addition to the big life-changings choices we're required to make upon occasion. Every one of those "little" choices means something. Today, you might make a BIG choice to set boundaries in your life. Tomorrow, you might make the little, daily choices that keep your BIG choice going. Little choices like, "I'm going to notice joy" or I'm going to pray when I feel fearful".... these little choices add up. All that said, the problems in your marriage are SERIOUS. We're not just talking about emotional issues... we're talking about criminal behavior. You need to be taking advice from PROFESSIONALS. Not to say you shouldn't be posting. It's comforting for folks to know that they're not going it alone. But when it's time to implement your BIG choices... make certain you're getting the correct guidance from licensed practioners.
Author hopeto Posted December 7, 2006 Author Posted December 7, 2006 There's no changing this guy! There's no hope for him and you! Its not you that is sick ~ its him, and part of his sickness is to make you sick. And, he is making you sick from his sickness. His diesase is affecting and infecting you and your daughter! He is a pathalogical socialpath. There is no cure. There is no changing him. He is incapable of changing. He is incapable of feeling, caring, and emotion such as you or I are. He is incapable of empathy, only ampathy. To him you and I are patheic creatures. Get out and get out NOW! I hear what you are saying and it is getting eaiser for me cause I am keeping my distance but what I am baffaled is that could he really be what you say he is and that he actually new what he was doing when he married me?? he is not a bad man. I feel like I have given the wrong impression. he is bad for what he has done but he has always been a good provider, and he has been a good father. he has not been a good husband and by that I mean meeting my needs and wants of the relationship. I dont know I am so confused,it has been 18 years. I sit here and think that I really dont know him anymore and when I talked to my doc and he read the letter he wrote he said he still sees himself as this young man. says that because of all the men his mother had is view on women is trash. like they(women) are out to get you and that men own women and all sorts of other stuff. I see him and he is so confused and that he is lost and lonley just wanting this all to be a dream. he looks like at times he has lost his best friend and that he dont laugh anymore or I dont see a cheerful person. he is down and out for the count and I really am not scared for my life nor my daughters but I do know that I will not keep going on the way it is and I am not even sure that we can reconcile. I guess I just feel sorry for everthing that has happened. I feel sorry for him. why??? is it because I dont understand and cant not help a person any person not just h but anybody. when I see hurt an pain it weighs on me and I feel this instinct of try to protect them or try to help them and make them feel loved and worthy of love. I am 33 and I say I have grown up way before my years because my childhood was robbed from but I am so child like in this relationship cause I cant get a handle on it and feel like I am a child being scorned and hurt all over again. and I wonder if this is why I go into a certian mode when I see someone hurting, cause I hurt, and I hated it and I had no one and I felt like at times just checking out while growing up. I was scared and lonley and had no one to talk to and he is now in the same position I was in. I know he caused it but if the doc says he still thinks of his self of as a middle aged child. I know he is not going to change and I have made some progress that the doc is proud of he asked me if I look at myself in the mirror and I said I dont see me yet but I see a person.he said that was good because I would not even look in the mirror. he said explain, I said I saw tenderness, kindness, loving beyound love and that the person I saw deserved to be loved. he said that was good but I am not sure. I know that people on this LS is not docs, but you guys are real people hurting in the same way and some of you made it through. some of you are so strong that you can touch someone with one single prsase. Gunny you are one of those people. I really love reading your post and sounds like you been there and done that. I take it to heart and really listen. one you are male and I really need a male prospective and too what you say makes total sense. I do not live by it I just think on it and say humm. Ladyjane you are great too. lots of post you have done and made such good comments but you have to understand I am so confused right now. no money, no where to go, no one to trust except my little girl but I keep looking back and see that I hate she is going to hurt and I cant do anything about that. I hate not having control. not control over people but control over hurting her. I know it is over, I just have to keep telling my heart that. things have changed on how I look at the h. he is a stranger to me. someone unfimilular(sorry for the spelling).I look at him and I dont see him just an image of a man sorta like shadows they are dark shadows I guess what I am saying is you take a man/women you never meet before and you move in with them and it is a haze of the past and not sure of your future. man I just read what I typed I sound like so crazed looney. I am not I swear, I just am so hurt, I dont want to keep going but I have to for my daughter and she needs me and I need her. and I just cant do it anymore. I am getting stronger and I have some family that I know if I call apoun them they would help me money wise to file for the divorce but I need to do this on my own and I want keep it that way. Gunny, comming from a mans point of view what is love in there eyes and does a man have the capability to love like women and if so how do you bring it out or is it something you have. I just dont understand not knowing how to love and could it be that he was just never tought and that he knows nothing on how to treat women. I guess I keep rambling on and on but I know that I cnat and wont do this anymore expecally knowing he is not even going to get any help and if he thinks for one second he does not need help he really is lost and he needs help for himself and not only that but for his daughter.
Ladyjane14 Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 I wish I had some answers for you, HopeTo. All I know for sure is that you can't make other people's decisions for them. You can only make your own. You might love and sympathize with your husband more than anything else in the world. But you can't fix him, and you can't make him treat you right. He has to select those things for himself. Any changes he adopts which aren't motivated from within aren't really authentic. The only thing you can do is to make the best choices you can for you and your children.
Gunny376 Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 Not to sound facteious nor flipiant about it ~ but I don't know if a man loves like a woman does. I can only tell you how I've experienced love and expressed. Its kind of scary actually but its a lot like the song by Percey Love, "When A Man Loves A Woman" When a Man Loves a Woman[FONT=Arial]Percy Sledge [/FONT] When a man loves a woman[/FONT] Can't keep his mind on nothin' else[/FONT] He'd trade the world[/FONT] For a good thing he's found[/FONT] If she is bad, he can't see it[/FONT] She can do no wrong Turn his back on his best friend If he puts her down[/FONT] When a man loves a woman Spend his very last dime Trying to hold on to what he needs He'd give up all his comforts And sleep out n the rain ]If she said that's the way It ought to be When a man loves a woman I give you everything I've got (yeah) Trying to hold on To your precious lov Baby please don't treat me bad When a man loves a woman Deep down in his soul She can bring him such misery If she is playing him for a fool ]He's the last one to know Loving eyes can never see Yes when a man loves a woman I know exactly how he feels 'Cause baby, baby, baby I am a man When a man loves a woman Which isn't necessary a bad thing, if you've got yourself a good woman, but Lord help you if you done went and found yourself a bad one. And the above lyrics go against a lot of what I preach to the guys. But, I'm expressing how a lot of us men feel about "tha one" A lot of the answers that you're seeking your're just not going to find here at LS, and you're not going to find them in some doctor's office ~ fore they lie within. Before the day you were born, God imprinted upon your heart what was right and wrong. You didn't have to be taught it out of some book, you didn't have to learn it in church. It was written upon the soul of your heart before you were right! You know what the right thing is. Just do the right thing for yourself, and for your most beloved daughter. Not to get whimmisical nor anything else ~ and some of what I'm about to write might even sound corny, but men such as ilmw, CC, and myself are cut from a different cloth. We put others and the welfare, even their safety before our own. We beleive in being a part of something bigger and better than oursleves. We believe in putting our friends and families before ourselves, our welfare, and our own safety. Not just "many" people but most people that go into the military or law enforcement or such (i.e. firemen, etc) who put God, Country, Family, Honor, Dedication, Scarifice before their ownselves can't and don't hack it. The first year attrition rate is almost 50%, for those that make it past the first year, most don't make it their first four, of those that do, most don't make it eight. and of those that do most of them don't make it twelve. Only 1/2 of a man out of 100 complete 20 years in the Marines. I made it! I did it! Proud, damn right! [FONT=Arial]But it cost me a wife and a family. The toughest job in the entire United States Marine Corps? Easy! Hands down! Being a Marine's wife! And, the higher you go up in rank the harder it gets, because now you've got all these other wives to look after and hold their hands. [/FONT] [FONT=Arial]I wrote the above to convey to you that I'm not you're ordinary, typical man. I think differently, I see things differently. I've walked through a differnt tempering fire than most men. I've seen bad times, hard times, crying times, fall to your knees crying times! Most people see pain as pain, I see it as weakness leaving the body! That which doesn't kill us only makes us stronger.[/FONT] I am a warrior, a warrior of this life, and of the spiritual life! We all are ~ fore we all struggle with and through this life! Life is a struggle for all of us. No matter who we are or what we are! Its a stuggle to be married to same person for forty or fifty years! Its a struggle to raise children. Its a struggle to make a living! Its a struggle to keep a roof over your head! Its a struggle to keep food in your mouth! Some us are blessed to have been born where we've been born! I can tell you this much! For sure and certain. I've wrestled with this "demon" for sixteen years! Wrestled with the Devil, gotten down on his level! Gotten drunk, and become a drunk over it, came out the other end of it! YOU'RE OWN WORSE ENEMY IN ALL OF THIS IS YOURSELF! The keys that will set you free ~ you hold in your own hands! You but to say the words ~ and you will be free of this agony! The "demon" you need to defeat is not the STBXH ~ but you must conquer yourself! "I have come! I have saw! And the enemy is myself!"
Author hopeto Posted December 8, 2006 Author Posted December 8, 2006 I wish I had some answers for you, HopeTo. All I know for sure is that you can't make other people's decisions for them. You can only make your own. You might love and sympathize with your husband more than anything else in the world. But you can't fix him, and you can't make him treat you right. He has to select those things for himself. Any changes he adopts which aren't motivated from within aren't really authentic. The only thing you can do is to make the best choices you can for you and your children. Thank you for just being there. I know that you can not make my choices for me and no one can I have to do this on my own, but goooooosh, I wish I could live in peace and harmony and I know I cant will here on this earth. I just have to make it and do what is wright(lord only knows what is). I have the best armor in the world and just like I told gunny...I spoke it, I prayed it and now I am writting it. I rebuke the devil in the name of the lord and he will help me through this trial and tribulations of my life. I do find it helpful from all of you that have been there and done that and I feel like I am not the only one. I do have some tough choices to make and I will pray on them then I will make'em. I just find it confort to know I do have ya'll and I wish I could meet you in person just to give you that so big hug and just say thanks. I want to tell you that I truely am greatful there are people like you guys that will take the time and just send a note of comfort. THANK YOU!!!!!!!
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