frustrated, lonely, defeated, exhausted,

[distant__nebulae]

I have been harboring some thoughts / concepts for some time. I thought I would throw some of these experiences out there, in an attempt to get the opinions and advice of this community.

 

Let me give you a relationship history of myself....

 

1st relationship - lasted 3 years, almost married. I left her because she had a violent temper.

 

2nd relationship - Dated almost 4 years, thought she was "the one". I would have married her, until I found out about her affair with a 26 year old business owner.

 

3rd relationship - lasted almost a year we lived together. I was not intellectually stimulated by her. this must have been apparent to her, because she left me for a college drop out-turn drug dealer.

 

Since then about 3 years have passed and I have dated at least 25 women during this time. Of those, I was seriously interested in one. The rest played games of some sort, or had major baggage.

 

Here are some things I have discovered about this great dating thing over the years.

 

1) Attractive women are never single long.

 

I base this on the fact that nearly every woman I have dated had a boyfriend or husband when we met. In addition, when we split up there is always another man in their life right away.

 

I hate starting a relationship this way, but when it's all that is out there - what do you do?

 

2) Many women are very insecure.

 

I have found that many women need constant reassurance that they are attractive, smart, etc. When this attention is not given at a satisfactory level, they tend to wander and cheat.

 

Now the problem I have with this is LIFE in general. Realistically, sometimes my job, my house, my car or my family are foremost in my mind. There's nothing wrong with building a person up, but I don't need a child, I need a woman. Women use sex or the frequency thereof to determine the relationship's value.

3) Many women tend to go for the loser, bad-guy type.

 

Is this because it seems exciting? I see this all around me, on a daily basis. It almost seems to be cool to beat your girl anymore. Does riding a harley or having nasty tattoos make the man? Is it still exciting when he goes to jail or is paying fines the rest of his life? Maybe it is the "tough" image that attract women to these types. To me, my 1 hour commute to work and my ambitious home business make me more though than the ghetto tattoo on my neck.

 

In conclusion, I see these things as the there major obstacles to procuring my own happiness with a woman. I have no idea how to overcome these, as I have tried for many years.

 

I recently moved approx. 800 miles. One reason was to see if I could find a different mentality than what I was used to. Apparently, these problems are universal in nature.

[SmoochieFace]

I agree with your three points.

 

Number One is true simply because 'attractive' women are in high demand and the majority of men will go after them. Unfortunately, physical attractiveness doesn't always translate into a great relationship, hence the ever-rising divorce rates in this country. Bottom line, if you go for a woman for shallow reasons only you're not gonna get very much in terms of quality.

 

Number Two is definitely true. Most of that insecurity is rooted in popular culture and the media. Women are basically told what to be, how to look, etc. and most of those criteria are unrealistic. So women become insecure and even neurotic in their quest to live up to what society deems is the 'right' way to be.

 

Number Three is also true. It is rooted in the general insecurity of most women. That truth is evidenced by the myriad of talk shows and their participants telling their relationship sob stories to an audience hungry for drama. Also, sites like this would not flourish if women would wise up and start taking responsibility for their actions and start dealing with the issues that lead them to make poor personal choices.

[distant__nebulae]

Very good response, thank you!

 

Here is my response to you:

 

Bottom line, if you go for a woman for shallow reasons only you're not gonna get very much in terms of quality.

 

I look at it this way - attraction gets my attention, intelligence keeps me around. So no, physical qualities are not everything, but I have to be attracted to a girl before I will approach her. If that is shallow, then so be it.

 

So how do you suggest a young man (29) deal with such issues in our society? How do i cut through all of this bullcrap to at least have a chance of finding happiness with a woman?

[Green]

Id tell you to stop being so jaded and if your goal is to find the one women who to have a great relationship with you should always keep your eye open and not give up one people to soon or be unhappy when things end. be a little more optomistic and keep dating u'll find the right one for you. try dating women from different cultures.

[moman]

1) Attractive women are never single long.

 

Only because they are dealing with number 2 and feel ugly/alone if they don't have some guy kissing their ass all the time.

 

2) Many women are very insecure.

 

Absolutely. I am tired of meeting girls like this. I ENJOY giving an occasional compliment such as "you look good today", "I think you're great", etc but to have to say these things on an hourly basis is just too much. The girl I've been dating has me frustrated - the only other way I could make it clear that I think she is wonderful is to beat it in her head, and then I would be a #3

3) Many women tend to go for the loser, bad-guy type.

 

Only true because those guys really just don't give a rip which allows them to have the confidence that girls find so attractive. It's not easy to fake being a loser either, I once tried it but that kind of disguise comes off with a single misspoken word.

 

Look at the long term success rate with women and bad-boys. I meet plenty of girls who deal with badboys from time to time which is fine....see number 2 above.

[SmoochieFace]

Very good response, thank you!

 

Here is my response to you:

 

 

 

I look at it this way - attraction gets my attention, intelligence keeps me around. So no, physical qualities are not everything, but I have to be attracted to a girl before I will approach her. If that is shallow, then so be it.

 

So how do you suggest a young man (29) deal with such issues in our society? How do i cut through all of this bullcrap to at least have a chance of finding happiness with a woman?

 

You did good. Three for three.

 

Now I'm going to let you in on something and this is based strictly on my experiences so YMMV. 'Attractive' as in 'hot' women tend to possess certain personality traits, arising from the feedback they get about their looks, btw - that are not generally conducive to long term relationships if that's what you're looking for. Look at how all those 'hot' Hollywood actresses and singers are doing in their Rs for evidence. Basically, they like to 'play around'.

 

As far as 'dealing' with it... well... you either can participate in the mass media-driven society and fall for all the stereotypes and be one with the masses or you can be an independent thinker and think 'outside the box' when it comes to women. One way to do so is to quit falling for the erroneous belief that 'hot' women are 'all that' because they really are not. Give 'average' girls a chance and you may be pleasantly surprised with the possibilities.

[Female]

I beg to differ. Number Three is a load of hooey. It's just that when some other guy does you out of a gal you'e after, you figure he's a jerk and a badass.

Sour grapes, that's all it is. As roughly 7,665,478 women have said on LS, we DON'T like 'bad guys'. SOMETIMES we fall for guys who pretend to be nice at first and then their jerkiness comes out. Sometimes we stay hoping they'll turn back into good guys. BUT WE DON'T WANT BAD GUYS.

 

Sigh.

[SmoochieFace]

I beg to differ. Number Three is a load of hooey. It's just that when some other guy does you out of a gal you'e after, you figure he's a jerk and a badass.

Sour grapes, that's all it is. As roughly 7,665,478 women have said on LS, we DON'T like 'bad guys'. SOMETIMES we fall for guys who pretend to be nice at first and then their jerkiness comes out. Sometimes we stay hoping they'll turn back into good guys. BUT WE DON'T WANT BAD GUYS.

 

Sigh.

 

You might not WANT 'bad guys' but many women sure seem to get tangled up with them at some point or another. Some women CONSISTENTLY get tangled up with them. I have seen it. THAT is the reality.

 

Yes, it can be interpreted as 'sour grapes' but only the wussy guys see it that way. The vast majority of 'decent' guys are not so simple-minded as you seem to think.

[Guest]

I beg to differ. Number Three is a load of hooey. It's just that when some other guy does you out of a gal you'e after, you figure he's a jerk and a badass.

 

I'm really not that much of a sore loser. I only speak from what I have witnessed, and it has nothing to do if I am "after" the girl or not.

 

Next time you go out, look around you. It's everywhere.

[Green]

You did good. Three for three.

 

Now I'm going to let you in on something and this is based strictly on my experiences so YMMV. 'Attractive' as in 'hot' women tend to possess certain personality traits, arising from the feedback they get about their looks, btw - that are not generally conducive to long term relationships if that's what you're looking for. Look at how all those 'hot' Hollywood actresses and singers are doing in their Rs for evidence. Basically, they like to 'play around'.

 

As far as 'dealing' with it... well... you either can participate in the mass media-driven society and fall for all the stereotypes and be one with the masses or you can be an independent thinker and think 'outside the box' when it comes to women. One way to do so is to quit falling for the erroneous belief that 'hot' women are 'all that' because they really are not. Give 'average' girls a chance and you may be pleasantly surprised with the possibilities.

 

look explain why murders and convict get so many love letters, Heck some of em get married.

[SmoochieFace]

look explain why murders and convict get so many love letters, Heck some of em get married.

 

Oh yeah, like those freaks who write to mass murderers such as Theodore Robert Bundy? Hell, his girlyfriend married his ass while he was waiting for his date with Old Sparky!

 

To answer your question - because those women are losers. Like goes for like.

 

Reminds me of a case I saw on 'Unsolved Mysteries' that happened here in the Big Triangle. A woman fell for a con and once he got out she supported him and they started a business together. Well, after a couple of years the business was faltering and the husband was spending way too much money - money they actually didn't have. They both started to drink heavily and they fought most of the time.

 

Anyway, a relative of the wife's died and she came into a sizeable inheritance - about $50K worth. Just a short time afterwards, she was found dead underneath her truck.

 

Wanna take a guess as to who did it?

[distant__nebulae]

Yep, some women will go for loser after loser and do nothing but complain. Then a respectable man comes along and he has to dig through the garbage left behind by the losers. No respectable man wants to have to "prove" he isn't a common criminal or idiot, then bails.

 

It's a vicious cycle.

[SmoochieFace]

Yep, some women will go for loser after loser and do nothing but complain. Then a respectable man comes along and he has to dig through the garbage left behind by the losers. No respectable man wants to have to "prove" he isn't a common criminal or idiot, then bails.

 

It's a vicious cycle.

 

Right again.

 

See... this is why I just stay the hell away from women unless they approach me - and even then I am very discretionary. I simply do not have the time or inclination to clean up the trash their Xs left on them. Their issues will not become my issues. Frankly, I've got better things to do with my time.

[johan]

I have been harboring some thoughts ...

 

...Apparently, these problems are universal in nature.

 

I agreed with everything you posted and thought it was well said. Your history is similar to mine. FYI, I'm 36, so don't go thinking time or age will fix it. At least my 7 year head start on you hasn't made any difference for me.

 

Not that I'm problem-free. But I got tons of support when I complained about my off-kilter ex. Had she come and posted her side of things, people probably would have rallied around her as well. The same nutcases you (and I) post about, come on here and post about how messed up guys are. The pot always wants to call the kettle black.

[Krytellan]

Very insightful post distant. There is much truth to what you say.

 

I have learned that moves are good for a person. It allows you a new pool to work from. After my recent divorce, I moved 2800 miles from PA to WA and have found it to be very stimulating romantically.

 

I think the bottom line is that you shouldn't marry the "hottie with the mean streak", you marry the nice girl who is caring and will stick around and be there for you. Unfortunately, there is usually a reason that nice and caring girls are nice and caring (e.g., are insecure, sheltered, inexperienced, etc). I firmly believe that if you want to find a nice girl, you will most certainly have to deal with some form of insecurity. It is important to look at it on a continuum though. How much insecurity can you handle, and of what type can you handle. Look, insecurities aren't bad in essence... they are what make us who we are and are what drive our principles. Some are just more constructive than others.

 

Hmm... I seem to have strayed a bit. Oh, yes. Insecurities are not evil. We all have them in some form. If you want a good woman who is not interested in bad-boy/loser types, you will have to accept some form of them.

[SmoochieFace]

Unfortunately, there is usually a reason that nice and caring girls are nice and caring (e.g., are insecure, sheltered, inexperienced, etc).

 

Sorry, but I disagree with this.

 

Being 'nice and caring' doesn't mean that someone is insecure. On the contrary, I believe those with a 'mean streak' have it because of fear (insecurity) that makes them put up walls so that others cannot get close to them.