TPol Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 Hi, everyone! I'm new to this forum, seems to be what I was looking for:) I've been going out with a guy for the last 9 months. At first he said that he was out of a painful long-term relationship and not actively looking for a serious thing, but would like to see how things go with me which was fine by me. However, when I see lack of interest I become very guarded and have a hard time opening up. So we took it slow and continued dating which led to at least a great friendship with good communication. Anyway, as we got closer in the past few months, he confessed to me that right from start he found me pretty closed and didn't see any relationship potential to which I replied I was closed because he said he's not looking for anything serious. It seems like the chicken and egg story! But at least we got that out of the way and are willing to move on. After more communicaion, we decided to spend more time together which brought us closer to each other in the past couple of months. BTW, he's 34, I'm almost 30 in case it matters. Now there are a couple of obstacles here: One is his ex and the type of relationship they had. When they met she was 21, he 29. It seems that she was the exact opposite of me; extrovert, open and fell in love quickly. They had a great intimacy but it didn't last because they grew apart and out of love. He mentions that he's looking for that kind of intimacy and is wondering why it hasn't happened with us yet. Well, different ages, different people, different dynamics. I hope he tries to understand this. I feel that his expectations are unrealistic and immature to say the least. Even though he says she was very insecure and would fall for any guy who would marry her. She met someone else right after their breakup which caesed anger and bitterness in him. I, on the other hand, have to feel the guy is special to feel true intimacy with. The other problem is on my side, I haven't been in a serious relationship in 7 years. It's all sort of new to me. He understands this and is being patient with me. My question to you is, what does intimacy mean to you? What are the kind of things that make you feel close to the other person? To me, it's sharing dreams, fears, insecuritites, memories good and bad. What are the things we can do or say that can bring us closer to each other? Cheers!
Guest Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 If one of you has a wall up, intimacy is impossible. You can't fake it.
Author TPol Posted December 8, 2006 Author Posted December 8, 2006 It's not exactly a wall. I think we simply have different expectation of what this intimacy is supposed to mean or what it should bring to our lives. That's why I think his previous relationship has created some unrealistic expectation in him and is affecting us, We're working on it! And I agree, you can't fake it. Neither of us wants that. Both are old and mature enough to differentiate between a real and fake intimacy.
silentalways Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 omg - the expectations thang. that's a dangerzone and one both really need to talk about. i have learned that expectations should be limited to certain areas - like, i expect my daughter to attend university, things like that. one important note is never place yer expectation on to the other - u may be a couple but u are both unique. not to sound harsh but when i read that he asked u about 'no intimacy' i thought that was kinda brutal - like its yer fault? i don't think u can 'plan' for that - i should come naturally. well, i have a few suggestions: seeing its close to christmas why don't u both put up a christmas tree and sleep underneath with the c-lights on. another good one is tell each other something u have never shared with anyone else. work on any fears together and that brings u closer. but most important, make sure u both have 'just couple time'
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