insomnie Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 Well, here I am again. Exbf and I have been hanging out and he wants to get back together. Of course he's not particularly excited about it, but he did ask me if I wanted to. I was ambivalent. He says he wants things to be less stressful but does want it to work out. I love him SO MUCH, but I just can't see this whole mess ending happily for me =(. It seems all the problems will still be there, only now compounded with the fact that I don't trust him not to leave me again. I mean, he's already done it twice... I need him to love me and to want to fix things. He says that he does, but at the same time I am still making most of the effort, driving over to see him, etc, and we discuss how HE wasn't happy and never the other way around. I am feeling completely taken advantage of. I have always been there for him, been understanding, supportive, I care about him so much. He's *usually* a good boyfriend, and he's never done anything atrocious...but I deserve so much more than lukewarm. And he's left me twice, ignored me on occasions, always puts his friends way way above me, etc. Most importantly, I still don't feel like he really WANTS to fix things...it's more of a well, sure, as long as youre here and trying and willing to accomodate me even FURTHER why not give it another go. The closer I get to him again the more thigns I remember that I know will keep bothering me. Like how he keeps me separated from his friends and certain other parts of his life (I've never even MET a female friend of his that constnatly messages him), how he has no desire to get involved in mine after TWO AND A HALF years. Other thigns, too. It's time to move on. But how do I do that, now? I don't know if we're officially togehter or not and if I need to sit him down and break up with him or if I can just...slip away.
amaysngrace Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 I don't know if we're officially togehter or not and if I need to sit him down and break up with him or if I can just...slip away. You don't need him to define your relationship and where it stands...you can do this too. If you feel it should be over, make it so. No excuses, no explanations, just go...because it's in your own best interest. You are part of this couple too. Why do you allow him to call all the shots?
Krytellan Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 "Yeah, you know, on second thought, I dont think it would be a good idea for us to try again. I mean, how many times do we have to fail before we get the message eh?" Something like that... pretty simple. You have so obviously made your decision, thats the hard part.
distant__nebulae Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 Well, here I am again. I love him SO MUCH, but I just can't see this whole mess ending happily for me =(. It seems all the problems will still be there, only now compounded with the fact that I don't trust him not to leave me again. I mean, he's already done it twice... I lot of folks have been through this. You break up, then get back together, then repeat. It just gets worse each time, doesn't it? Eventually you will break up and stay broken up, but until then the cycle continues. Do yourself a favor - when you do finally split DO NOT get right into another relationship. But if you are good looking, i know you will - it's what women do. I need him to love me and to want to fix things. No. You need you to love you.
Walk Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 I think I remember your older posts about this guy. You need certain things in a partner in order to be happy in a relationship, but he can't provide it. The reason why he can't, or won't, doesn't matter. What you need is vital to your happiness. Why are your needs so unimportant to you? Why do they come second place to him? He doesnt' love you. I don't want you to hurt, but he really doesn't. He might like you a lot. But his actions say he doesn't love you and he doesnt' trust you. If he did, he would invite you into his entire life. Not just the closed off portion he can spare on the side. It's not a flaw with you. It's a flaw with him. There is nothing worng with you. And there are so many men out there who will appreciate and value what you have to offer. Just.. not this guy. You can't change your exbf by giving more, trying harder. It's not going to fix whatever messed up head problems he has. He would have to fix those on his own. Torturing yourself over his problems isn't helping you. You need to let him go. I know that's easier said then done. And you dont' want to let him go.. but for your happiness, I think you need to find the strength to alter your course. Logically, you know that the relationship isn't working for you. Emotionally, you want to try to make it work. This is one of those times where logic needs to rule the heart. Write out what you need in order to be happy. Put a measurement next to those you can live without, and those you can't. Honest assesment, not what you "Think" you shouldn't need, but what you really feel. Then all the areas your exbf won't fulfill, put a single line through those. After that, take a look at what you will be left with if you go back with him. If all your left with are the things that mean the least to you, and all the important stuff is crossed off, then DON'T, please, don't go back with him. Give yourself the opportunity to be happy. Don't you deserve to be with someone who truly wants you in their whole life, not just a small sliver of it? Have the strength to tell him you need mroe than what he can give you. Them go no contact. You need the time to heal yourself, and regain your balance.
Author insomnie Posted December 6, 2006 Author Posted December 6, 2006 ALL NIGHT LONG I had a recurring nightmare about various girls that I don't know making comments on his facebook about hanging out, etc. So today I log on and go check his...and sure enough, another message. Again from that girl I've never met. Her fourth in these past two days. She says: Yay for this weekend! J's eyes won't look like that on Saturday, will they? I have never met her. I have never met J. I didn't know he had plans for this weekend. By the running comentary on his facebook it appears these are his best friends. So why have I never met them?? This whole possibly-being-cheated on thing is probably worse than being broen up with.
BARBGURL Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 Sweetie, you can't make someone love you and you can't love someone who doesn't love you back. You are unhappy. You are unhappy with him because you don't get what you need. You are unhappy without him because it's "the unknown". So, if you are unhappy either way why not take a chance on the unknown? There may be someone wonderful out there just waiting for you. Life's too short to waste time being so uncertain and unhappy.
Author insomnie Posted December 7, 2006 Author Posted December 7, 2006 Well, I guess my dilemma has just been solved for me =(. He called to say that he didn't want to be togheter after all. Last night, after it appeared that we had patched things up, I started talking about how I wanted things to move forward with us. I also asked him if he was going to come see my family over the break. He's already paid for the ticket, but he said he didn't want to go. Apparently, 10 days was too much time for him to be only with me/away from his friends, plus he didn't want to see my fmaily. So I got a little annoyed. At the time he ddn't say anything, but today over the phone he said that made him realize he didn't want to be with me after all. I'm not even upset, right now. The whole situation is more funny to me than anything else...I mean this time we lasted less than 24 hours. This is probably a sign that it won't work after all and that I need to move on.
westernxer Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 This is probably a sign that it won't work after all and that I need to move on. The signs were there long before this took place.
Author insomnie Posted December 7, 2006 Author Posted December 7, 2006 He told me on the phone (whilst crying) that he wants to be friends, and in the same breath asked me to study for finals with him. He said he would not come on to be and it would be totally platonic...that I made him really happy and really sad simultaneously and he loved spending time with me as long as we weren't in a relationship. He said for the past couple of months, his reason told him thigns shoulddl work out with me but his heart was saying no, I'm not happy. I guess I can take that to mean he fell out of love with me, but why does he want to be friends, then? I mean, I'm good company, but our biggest problem was that he didn't like spending time with me...why does he want to now? Anyone know what's going on here? And, is there a way to get him to fall back in love? I know I should move on, but this is just so disappointing...
Waldin Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 try to talk to in personal.. or a date.. so that you know and he knows what relationship you have it now?!...
the_alchemyst Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 He told me on the phone (whilst crying) that he wants to be friends, and in the same breath asked me to study for finals with him. He said he would not come on to be and it would be totally platonic...that I made him really happy and really sad simultaneously and he loved spending time with me as long as we weren't in a relationship. He said for the past couple of months, his reason told him thigns shoulddl work out with me but his heart was saying no, I'm not happy. I guess I can take that to mean he fell out of love with me, but why does he want to be friends, then? I mean, I'm good company, but our biggest problem was that he didn't like spending time with me...why does he want to now? Anyone know what's going on here? And, is there a way to get him to fall back in love? I know I should move on, but this is just so disappointing... No offence, but your exbf sound like a total jerk. He reminds me SO much of my exbf who was jerk + *******. When we broke up for like, the 10th time, we tried to be "friends"--you know, hang out every now and then like normal friends. Yea, well that only lasted like one week. Every time I would go over to spend some time with me, he'd start with his little hugs and kisses. I'd tell him to stop and that if this is what he wanted, then to forget it because I was not going to be neither his, nor anyone else's, little backburner friend. Apparently, he got "offended" that I would say something like this, so we talked and decided to try again, as a "normal" couple. Yea, well, that was all well and good for another week, and then poof--another break up, only this time when he asked me to be "friends," I said no, thanks because it was obvious that he and I cannot be "just friends." We can't be just anything. I know you want him back right now, but I also know that you realize that you deserve so much better than him. And honestly, I don't think you can make him fall in love with you again if he never really loses you.
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