Guest Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 maybe im encountering the wrong women or they're just all around-friendly with the nosey part which makes them ask a bunch of questions. They're single, I'm single initially when have a chat going through email or chat progs it seems to be going well, we get to know a little about each other. I give them a taste of the cake without entirely revealing myself...or at least maintain some kind of mystery so they wont completely lose interest before i attempt to meet them in person. Usually in these cases I'm the chaser, so im already in a bad position from the get-go. Before i know it, they already lose interest (or there was none from the start) and if i were to invite them to meet in person they wind up flaking on me. But i have a gut feeling a lot of these 'online' girls pretty much have a profile up just for the sake of attention and having guys to chat them up. It doesnt seem like any of them are serious at all in the dating scene or looking for a SO. The irony is early on in the convo these women easily tell me that their self-esteem is low or they're talkative online but very shy in person. im not their therapist nor do i ask them, it just blurts out in the online convos. Based on the above 2 paragraphs i can conclude the girls i meet just dont have the balls or ambition to get to know/meet a guy in person because of fear of rejection OR their interest level isnt high enough to convince them to go out of their way from their everyday routines to make time for X minutes of coffee with a guy. Anyway recently i met this girl online, she's stunning and it turns out she went to the same Uni as me & the same major. Initially when we first chatted it was great as we asked each other a lot of questions and i make it a habit to make convos fun, halfway in, the convo just dropped dead. She's one of the girls that mentioned her being shy in real life. So i went back online tonight and she didnt message me, so i assume she's not interested... I was thinking of doing coffee with her this week, but i wonder if given the situation and her being shy im going to be shot down. What do i do from here? And any tips from the experts to achieving more success from online dating transition to real-life?
ddnnee Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 girls suck online and in real life, but they are just so cute!
simon_uk Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 I would say 99.9% of women on line are there for one thing and one thing only. To boost their ego and self esteem, which they are all clearly lacking in my experience.
barfool Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 I would say 99.9% of women on line are there for one thing and one thing only. To boost their ego and self esteem, which they are all clearly lacking in my experience. I think this is probably acurate. I've done the online thing before and it was nice to get compliments and such but it became old very quick. I also found that, unfortunately, most of the people that were online were there because they have some social hangups that prevent them from meeting people IRL. So the transition is not a pretty one. Who you knew online is rarely who you meet. Personally, I would stick to meeting people in the flesh only.
lindya Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 I would say 99.9% of women on line are there for one thing and one thing only. To boost their ego and self esteem, which they are all clearly lacking in my experience. A friend of mine uses match.com (and yes, it really is a friend - not me I'd be mortified to put my personal details up on the internet like that...but each to their own). Her complaint is similar to the OP's here...ie that a lot of people seem to just be messing about, and that guys in particular seem into communicating with women through electronic means...but prevaricate about meeting up. That's how things are from her perception, but obviously guys are saying the same thing about women who use match.com or whatever dating site. I quoted your comment, simon, because my friend quite readily said that yes, a big part of using match.com is about getting an ego boost from the number of cute guys clicking on her profile and winking at her. At the same time, she's genuinely interested in meeting someone...so it's not all about an ego boost. I'd imagine the same is true of most people in that context...ie part ego boost, part genuinely hoping to meet someone they click with. I'm sure there must be all kinds of different people who use that service. Some will have low esteem, but certainly not all. The thing is that most of us have a "type" or several types that we're attracted to. If you continually find that you're getting involved in online chat with women who have low self esteem, then perhaps on some level you're attracted to women who have low self esteem. Not trying to pick at you, but it makes sense that a man who would make that kind of negative generalisation about women would prefer ones who don't like themselves very much.
simon_uk Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 Well no offence taken although it does come across as having a pick at me. The thing is, you get to know somebody for a fe weeks or whatever and it as that point that they flake or start being negative towards themselves. There is no way to know somebody is this way until after you ahve communicated with them so I fail to see how I can be initially attracted to somebody with low self esteem. By the way, it is not a negative generalisation toward all women. Just the ones I have come across, which in my case is 99.9% of them.
Admiral Thrawn Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 I'm learning from online experience as well. In your particular case, continue writing to them a week later or something because it's only email. Tell them you got tied up yourself and weren't able to make it or something and send an email to see how they are doing. Unless they block you from sending messages, continue sending an odd email now and then and see if they turn around. If you dont want to, that's cool too, just walk and forget it. The point I'm making is do not take internet dating or email thing too personal. I'm a serious guy myself and do meet people online to real-life, but I've also learned to tone down my approach and to take it less personal, or at least not be attached to the outcomes. Here are a few rules I have developed: - Do not send more than three lines on any email or use MSN, except that ONE TIME that you are 'selling yourself' for that first meeting and have to open up to gain enough rapport to make it work. Anything further than three lines should be proof read by a third party because you will usually volunteer information beyond that point or say something that may vibe wrong. - Always assume the other person is busy, has a busy schedule, and is not dodging your email and send a follow-up a week later to show that they are on your mind, but you are not obsessed with them if they dont immediately get back. - Have a seperate personal email from your work or business email. - Wait at least 4 hours - 24 hours before checking your mail, depending on level of interest or engagement, to keep yourself in check. And dont send an email that would show that you are desperately waiting for some sort of email from them, or appear to get frustrated for waiting or anything. - AVOID MSN if possible, usually attention wh0res go on it and talk to five guys at a time, UNLESS you have exclusive attention it's a bad idea. Thus, if you have to wait more than two minutes to get a reply from a girl on MSN, then just correspond by email or cell phone AND THAT'S IT. I'm trying to learn more rules as I go along for proper internet decorum.
dgiirl Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 Admiral Thrawn, I think you have the right idea. Just go into internet dating with no expectations. As a girl, we get bombarded by a lot of weird emails, it's hard to shuffle through the weirdos. And then of the ones who do make it past the filter, a lot of times there's slight chemistry, but not enough to risk meeting them in person yet. It takes me a while to get comfortable with the idea of meeting a stranger face to face. For the time being, I've given up with the online thing. I've been hit on married men, men looking for threesomes, men looking to be spanked, and of the ones who seemed "normal", ended up still living with their parents at age 30+. Or they are just coming out of a relationship and looking for a boost to their ego and getting comfortable talking with people again. This is what I was doing.
Guest Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 A friend of mine uses match.com (and yes, it really is a friend - not me I'd be mortified to put my personal details up on the internet like that...but each to their own). Her complaint is similar to the OP's here...ie that a lot of people seem to just be messing about, and that guys in particular seem into communicating with women through electronic means...but prevaricate about meeting up. That's how things are from her perception, but obviously guys are saying the same thing about women who use match.com or whatever dating site. I quoted your comment, simon, because my friend quite readily said that yes, a big part of using match.com is about getting an ego boost from the number of cute guys clicking on her profile and winking at her. At the same time, she's genuinely interested in meeting someone...so it's not all about an ego boost. I'd imagine the same is true of most people in that context...ie part ego boost, part genuinely hoping to meet someone they click with. . You make a good point. it's funny i hear a lot of bad arguments/breaksups happening due to one's SO having a myspace account and using it to communicate with men/women. And these are from people i know who i have or have had a SO at one point. The thought of greener on the other side winds up getting to one's head at some point in life. From this i can understand people using the online experience to fool around/flirt without exactly cheating or meeting in person. I'll admit im not the type to hide behind a computer and chat all day or avoid meeting a girl in person if given the chance. What i feel is, the sooner the better! Online stuff is hogwash, you dont know if someone's lying, being sarcastic, pissed off, fun/energetic or just plain annoying. But you're able to all that even at least on one meetup in person. Body language speaks for itself. The point I'm making is do not take internet dating or email thing too personal. I'm a serious guy myself and do meet people online to real-life, but I've also learned to tone down my approach and to take it less personal, or at least not be attached to the outcomes. Here are a few rules I have developed: - Do not send more than three lines on any email or use MSN, except that ONE TIME that you are 'selling yourself' for that first meeting and have to open up to gain enough rapport to make it work. Anything further than three lines should be proof read by a third party because you will usually volunteer information beyond that point or say something that may vibe wrong. usually I try not to volunteer too much info, but the longer i hold it off the more they may be put off, thinking there is no material to me. But it does suck when and if you say something wrong and give the wrong vibe. - Always assume the other person is busy, has a busy schedule, and is not dodging your email and send a follow-up a week later to show that they are on your mind, but you are not obsessed with them if they dont immediately get back. - Have a seperate personal email from your work or business email. - Wait at least 4 hours - 24 hours before checking your mail, depending on level of interest or engagement, to keep yourself in check. And dont send an email that would show that you are desperately waiting for some sort of email from them, or appear to get frustrated for waiting or anything. - AVOID MSN if possible, usually attention wh0res go on it and talk to five guys at a time, UNLESS you have exclusive attention it's a bad idea. Thus, if you have to wait more than two minutes to get a reply from a girl on MSN, then just correspond by email or cell phone AND THAT'S IT. A lot of this stuff you mentioned i mostly follow. Convos can be awkward or weird at times. like the the topic of me working comes up, i do hint that im searching and putting myself out there. SEX. Im pretty certain a lot of women online/offline run into men who are after sex. And I think that's one obstacle I may be facing. If the sooner I ask them to meetup (for coffee), they may believe im after sex and flake on me immediately. OR if I choose to make it slow for them and go the online route for a bit longer and THEN ask them out, their interest level may not be high enough to meet up with me. I know it takes 2 to tango, but i guess it can be a conflict of interest at times.
Admiral Thrawn Posted December 9, 2006 Posted December 9, 2006 I think there is also allot of 'cat and mouse' games that are being played on the internet. It's hard to tell if flaking out or appearing to be blown off is part of that game or it's not, even if it's not, sometimes people may come around later anyway. If you maintain your 'cool', continue pursuing even if there is a flake (make up an excuse you were busy yourself or something). I have a policy of continuing to pursue if there is a 'rapport-breakdown', minimum three days, maximum one week, to allow myself to think lucidly and continue again. As you are, I'm continuing to learn, and have made some very colourful and blatant mistakes in the past which these rules have been derived from. But I think our 'inner game' could always be improved and perceiving some women as playing 'cat and mouse' could help. Cat and mouse, as you know is games involving pursuit and evasion. Sometimes women play cat and mouse games with guys before deciding to really go out with them. They should usually come through on the third attempt, as long as there is a continued rapport, then it should work out. I believe that sort of game weeds out guys who are apt to give up easy, or who may lose their cool fast and express their frustrations, they are testing for patience and possibly to see that a guy is not just out for sex. I tend to play along, after all, its' only a bunch of email exchanges and no big deal.
Admiral Thrawn Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 I was talking with a woman online, then I came across this thread, and looks like this thread was a prophecy as she seems to have flaked out. I've technically 'NEXTed' her (on perceived lack of interest on her part) and put her on the backburner for now after she failed to reply to two emails sent where I'm trying to set up the first meeting. I do have her MSN, and we initially communicated by MSN, but I'm reluctant to go back on MSN unless it's a last resort because I hate it, and am the guy that likes communicating by emails only, not by MSN. I'm unsure at this point if there is not enough chemistry or comfort for her to risk meeting me 'yet', or if she's juggling with other guys online and is blowing me off because she my job-style is not jiving with her. People who are interested, get back, and are also usually cooperative setting up a meeting, so I really dont care. I've asked a person out offline and she said yes. However, I completely and absolutely identify with what the OP Guest poster is saying and feel like I am in his shoes right now.
Moresome Posted December 14, 2006 Posted December 14, 2006 OP: my harsh advice: get a real social life, get outside and meet some women. Forget about finding love on the internet: you can never judge fully the genuiness or the appropriateness of those you 'connect' with. The likelihood of you meeting somebody in your locality, unless you're on a local website, has to be very small. Falling in love with somebody miles away will not help your studies and can be very frustrating. You state that these women say they are shy and unconfident, but ask yourself why you'd want the barrier of a screen to hamper your communication? Isn't it possible that your own social skills need working on? Even if you met somebody off the net, you need real life experiences to know how to romance them. You can't take your keyboard on a date with you. Traditionally speaking, uni students are never far from their uni bars (if you believe that stereotype). Why not start conversing with the people there and getting some social networks going? You're bound to find more outgoing women there and those with genuine interests to your own. Get used to talking to the women on your course, in just a general manner. Find out if your uni has singles events. Go to the coffee bar on your own and see who comes by. Seriously, mate...ditch the computer quest. Humanity was surviving well enough before they were invented.
Moresome Posted December 14, 2006 Posted December 14, 2006 Adding....there's no way I'd want my kids meeting anybody off the internet. Think about the factor of safety when you wonder why women don't want to meet. Think about how constant emailing, for example, might come across to her. You can appear desperate, possessive and demanding, even on the internet. Probably more so, than in real life, as communications are more easily misinterpreted and magnified in written form.
cbstyles69 Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 its plane and simple. i've toyed with the idea of meeting woman on the internet. sounding kinda odd but yet so true. take it from someone thats been there. woman that are searching for love on the internet are a totally seperate species.they seem to have no back bone when it comes to men in the real world, or they may have some extra baggage (mentally). alot of woman that have been married for a long time seek the internet for there dating skills are dump. further more i dont think i remember meeting a woman off the net that wasnt completly 2 french fries short of a happy meal. the reason why they flake on meeting you is simple. look, there on the internet because they have a hard time socially interacting with men on the street. there shy/timid creatures. what makes you think that if she cant meet a male on the street that she is going to be easy to get to meet you. also take into factor, how easy was it for you to find her to chat in the first place? think about it. theres millions of people chatting on yahoo as we speak. if you ever go into a chat room look at all the names and profiles. theres probably 10 men to 1 female. competition seems to play a huge role. yahoo is a great way to have multiple conversations at one time. its beat or get beat. my suggestion, if your looking for a normal woman try a bar, or the super market. these woman that are able to confront you face to face seem to give you better odd's that she will return your phone call. hope this helps.. p.s if your looking for sex then yahoo's a great breeding ground. lol. laterz.
Mary3 Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 I myself having a great amount of experience ( previously ) with on-line dating have now taken it as NOT SERIOUS. I could write a book on all the adventures, disasters, head cases, forgot-to-tell-me-they-are-married types, the unemployed, the sex chasers ( 99.9 % ) , the ones that avoid really meeting IRL and stay on the computer forever. I don't take it seriously . Its fine if you are looking for a dysfunctional baggage carrying sex breeder who might not look like the rustic faded pic he sends and proclaims it to be last week when it was taken in 1972. Call me sarcastic but its all for fun now.
Guest Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 I myself having a great amount of experience ( previously ) with on-line dating have now taken it as NOT SERIOUS. I could write a book on all the adventures, disasters, head cases, forgot-to-tell-me-they-are-married types, the unemployed, the sex chasers ( 99.9 % ) , the ones that avoid really meeting IRL and stay on the computer forever. I don't take it seriously . Its fine if you are looking for a dysfunctional baggage carrying sex breeder who might not look like the rustic faded pic he sends and proclaims it to be last week when it was taken in 1972. Call me sarcastic but its all for fun now. I THINK THERE ARE MANY THINGS TO CONSIDER, FOR EXAMPLE I AM COURTING A WOMAN ONLINE NOW AND WE MET OVER 6 YEARS AGO ONLINE AND HER CONFIDENCE WAS TOTALLY DIFFERENT SO AS PEOPLE GO THRU LIFE THINGS HAPPEN AND PEOPLE CHANGE...AS THEY SHOULD...I THINK ITS IMPORTANT TO CHAT FOR A WHILE BUT I THINK CHAT ROOMS AND FORUMS SHOULD BE DISCARDED AS SOON AS SOME INTEREST IS SHOWN BY BOTH AND MAYBE MOVE TO SOMETHING MORE REVEALING AND PERSONAL LIKE IM IF SOMEONE JUST STAYS BEHIND THE MASK, THEN THEY ARE NOT READY FOR ANYTHING MORE AND YOU SHOULD RESPECT THAT AS FOR DATING SITES, IF I AM ON ONE ITS BECAUSE I WANT TO DATE AND I DON'T LINGER - AND AS SOON AS SOMEONE SHOWS INTEREST ALL PROFILES ARE REMOVED AND I DON'T GO THERE AGAIN
che_jesse Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 They loose interest because theres nothing to keep that interest going. You cant look at each other online and feel chemistry, attraction, lust, whatever. All you have to go on is some general conversation you can cut and paste between people. I don't see why people do this to themselves, you should probably interact some live people. Last year a single friend of mine fell madly "in love" with this girl he met online, they spent 3 months cybering, having phone sex, and getting nekkid in front of the webcam. He was so excited when he got back into town, he said to not call him for a week, that him and her have plans to go away together, and that he finally gets to hold the woman he loves and how happy he is. He called me the next day wanting to go get beer. Why you ask? Because she "smelled like ****" and was totally different in real life. Op person: dont do this to yourself anymore, go to your neighborhood bar and start a dart game with a pretty girl, youll get a whole lot farther.
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