Fiancee says we need to take a break. Is this the end?

[Nienora]

I'm new to this site, so I hope you all will bear with me as I spill out the painful memories from my heart and soul.

 

My Fiancee and I have been together about 11 months. We ran fast through the first part of the relationship, and he asked me to marry him at the end of June of 2006. Everything was great, I envisioned what my life would be with him and he with me. About a month ago (End of October) things started going down hill. I couldn't pin point it to one thing in particular (of course not, otherwise I wouldn't be in this mess!), but I knew something was eating away at him. It hurt me that he couldn't tell me, because we've always been completely open with each other, and something was bothering him so much that he felt he couldn't tell me. For the longest time I would ask him if something was wrong, he'd always give me a resounding "Nothing." although we both knew it was something.

 

So of course, me being a girl... I started analyzing everything he would say to me, and any sort of strange mood he was in. He started to avoid my phone calls, he was never happy to see me, he would never try to plan anything with me, and he almost seemed guilty to be around me. We kept serious conversations to the phone, mainly because when I was around him, I wanted that time with him to go well, so I would neglect to bring up the painful stuff, and just dealt with being with him at that moment in time. All this emotional stress though, started to wear on me physically though, I dropped down to 106lbs before I realized what it was truly doing to me, I couldn't sleep at night because of strange dreams, and everything seemed to be fading in my life.

 

A few times on the phone conversations, I got him to open up a bit. He admitted that he starts pushing people away whenever he gets close to them. I told him that I wasn't going to up and leave him, and that if he pushed, I would push right back.

 

Things have slowly gotten worse, I worry about it all the time, it's always waiting at the back of my mind, when I'm not occupied with other things. And it skips back to the front of my mind once I have time to think again.

 

So tonight he calls me... I keep the conversation casual, tell him how my day was, try and joke with him, but the whole time he seems completely unattached from what I'm saying, so I end the call by asking him to call me later in the week once he knows his weekend plans. He calls me back 15 minutes later, asking me what I'm doing, then he pauses, says "just a second" and then says "I think we need a break".

 

I was absolutely devastated.

 

After everything I have gone through in the past month, I can't believe it would end up like this, nor would I have expected him to keep me hanging on a month before he tells me this. He says our relationship is like a bright candle, brilliant at that moment, but unable to last long. I don't know what to think at this moment, he's the love of my life, the person I can tell anything too, and my best friend all in one. I never thought I would have to worry about losing him, but now it's so hard to face what reality has dealt.

 

I, of course, start crying, and ask if it was anything I've done. He says no, says he would of told me if it was me. I then asked if it had anything to do with his ex-girlfriend returning from college for Christmas break in a couple weeks; he says no, that he has no intention of talking to her, and for my own sake, I have to believe it's true. I don't get why he needs to break it off with me to figure things out, and what's more, he doesn't even know what's the problem! I've never had to deal with this before, so I don't know how long I should wait for him to figure things out... I told him in a letter that I would always be there and support him, but now that I've seen the other side, I can't honestly see him, and be happy realizing I'm no longer with him. I mean do you think he wanted to just end it, but didn't want to tell me? I'm just so confused, and I realize that whoever reads this, doesn't know him so can't really answer that question, but then again, I thought I knew him better than this.

 

I try and tell myself that it will all work out, because I need to live with that absolution, it's too painful right now to see it from the opposite side. I couldn't bear to see him with someone else, I just don't get why he would do this, I mean it's not like we're just casually dating, we're engaged! He made a commitment to me, and I to him, is that just null and void now? I told him to call me when he figures things out, but now I'm scared I'm waiting for a phone call that will never come.

 

Love has been for me, both the most glorious, beautiful, incredible experience in my life, and the most horrible, painful torture I could ever go through.

 

Any thoughts, suggestions, sympathy or criticism would be appreciated. Thanks for your time.

 

~Nienora

[norajane]

He admitted that he starts pushing people away whenever he gets close to them.

 

Google 'fear of intimacy' and see if that sounds like him.

 

Has he had long term relationships before? How have they ended?

 

I can't tell you if he wants to break up, or if he just needs some time to clear his head. But it sounds like he's afraid of intimacy - he runs when things get close. So he might be afraid to open up to you like he needs to open up to someone in a marriage - he might be worried you won't like him if he opens up and you know all about him, he might be worried you'll want him to open up more than he can, he might be worried that one or the other of you will get bored, he might be worried that you'll leave him, that he might get so close that he won't be able to live without you if you leave him or something happens to you...it could be anything or any combination.

 

Give him some time. Wait for him to contact you, rather than trying to talk to him or email him all the time. You got engaged pretty quickly after meeting - it might not be a bad idea to take a breath.

[Quinch]

This is such a difficult one to answer. There are probably lots of people here who can advise you better than I can but the best advice I can give (based on my own experience) is try not to dwell on your fears too much. I know that sounds impossible but you're going to make yourself ill if you don't learn to let go a little. Your first responsibility is to look after yourself with the help of your family and friends. Before long you should have a better idea of what all this means and where your relationship stands. Then you can start making plans for what you're going to do next. I can't promise that it'll all work out the way you want but it will work out one way or another.

[Rooster_DAR]

Prepare for the worst, those words are usually bad news.

 

Good luck!

[tikigods]

at best he saw how fast you guys were moving and decided to slow down a bit. at worse this is going to end. I would suggest that you take a step back and not contact him and give him the space that it seems like he needs right now

[Krytellan]

Wow, whatever the reason for his behavior, he just isn't in this. There is unfortunately nothing you can do about this. He sounds fragile and unable to cope with his emotions, and I would venture that it may be better for you to let him end this. From what you have said, this has been going on for quite a while. I know you have many emotions about this situation, but you need to save your energy for things that you can have an effect on, and this doesn't sound like one of those things.

 

It would be unhealthy for you to feel that you have any control over this situation. It has NOTHING to do with you. Don't lose any more of yourself in it.

[Nienora]

Thanks guys for the advice, it has helped a bit.

 

I'm slowly settling into a routine, keeping myself busy at work, and out with my friends. We were friends for 5 years before we started dating, not real close, but we went to the same small highschool and I started to see more of him after we both graduated. Through highschool he dated this other girl, his relationship with her ended badly and he started dating me soon after. She's been hounding our relationship ever since. She shows up at our friends house, calls him claiming she wants him back, and her and her friends have sent me offensive emails before I had the chance to block them.

 

This is just so hard because I thought I knew him so well, and I'm not trying to over indulge, but we seriously could tell each other anything, and quite honestly I've never been able to find that in a guy before. I never had second thoughts about the speed of our relationship or engagement, because we both at the time knew it to be right, I would just hate to think that it would end like this after everything. I was his friend first, but now I don't think I could even bear to see him again as just friends.

 

It hasn't even been a week since he asked for a break and it's so hard not to call him or contact him in some way. They say it's supposed to get easier overtime, but it seems to be worse. Everything reminds me of him, he's always there on my mind.

 

I did find some comfort in the fact that he still calls me his best friend, and once he said we needed a break, he started to talk normally to me again, and really opened up that he doesn't quite know what's changed in him recently. That's what scares me the most, is that even he doesn't know what the problem is, unless it's something he just will not tell me. I'm scared and confused and want my love back, I can't envision my life without him in it, let alone this upcoming weekend! I hope he figures things out sooner rather than later, this could otherwise very well be the worst regret in his life, and neither of us could live with that.