Gunny376 Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 'Fog babble'. If I were you, I'd stick pins in it whenever I was presented with the opportunity to do so. Boil it down to it's most basic elements and send it back to her like ping-pong. Let's put the right labels on the issues. Her "friend" is in actuality her affair partner. Even if the affair isn't a physical one, "affair partner" is still his correct name because that's what's going on. She doesn't need the chance to "miss you", she wants the opportunity to explore the emotional affair. And you're probably not going to want to be her "friend" later on down the pike. With friends like that who needs enemies? You're perfectly capable of finding "friends" who don't feel the need to rip your heart out and force feed it to you while it's still beating. Don't buy into her fantasy for what the future will bring, Morephine. Counter the babble with REALITY. It's not necessary, or even wanted, that you should stand toe-to-toe in conflict with her right now. A hit-and-run style is better. You can't reason with unreasonable people anyway. So plant the seed... then get the hell out of Dodge while she's still trying to figure out what you meant. BINGO! THAT'S A "GOODIE"! Be the "firstest" with the "mostest" In other words, instead of sitting around wringing your hands, embrace that which you fear! What's she going to do? Fall out of love with you? Have an affair with another man? (The net equvalent of such at least?) Leave you for another man? Break your heart? Divorce you? Use foul langauge on you? Worse case scenario? You've got to get up early in the morning and go and find you a new girl friend(s) ~ DAMNED THE BAD LUCK!!!!!!
Rooster_DAR Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 She said that she wants to be my friend but that she doesn't love me in that way anymore and doesn't want to try to re-create that. She said she needs a chance to miss me and that's what the separation will do, but if we can't remain friends and talk then there would really be no chance down the road This is exactly what my recent EX did, almost to the tee. This is the sure sign she is in an emotional affair and she wants to find out where that's going to take her. You can bet she will be coming around evertime she is fighting with her new lover, I wouldn't even answer to her at this point. This is insulting to you, your relationship, and her oath too commitment. This woman is the typical american middle class cheater, that wants her cake and eat it too. If your like me, you keep envisioning her as the person that seemed so together and would never do something like this.. Well, I have now learned the hard way that people can be deceptive and turn out to be opposite of who we thought they would be. When we love someone with all we have, we tend to not notice things in them that most smart people would run from. Good luck!
Author morephine Posted December 10, 2006 Author Posted December 10, 2006 Thanks again guys. It's funny, she did something that she would never do before in that she swore on our children's lives that there was nothing going on between them. I know our children mean the world to her, but it's also something that she would never ever do before. It came up during our talk today and its kind of stuck with me since. She told me before that she would never swear on someone's life for anything but she did that today with no provocation or anything. Maybe she is really that much into her fantasy world that she's making herself believe that. I see right through her games anymore and the last two days whenever I get angry and shut down to her (as a result of not wanting to argue) she starts showing affection and acting as she used to. With our son in the situation he's in it kind of messes with my head but then I step back and see things the way they are. Especially since I will calm down some and she goes right back to the way she normally is now. I've got one month now before we separate and she decided she's going to stay here but wants me out now. She doesn't have any family here but her "friend" lives about 45 mins away. She hasn't met with him and says that he won't come over after I leave (ya right) she just wants to be alone now. She also won't tell me that she wants me to take my name off the lease for what reason I don't know. I'm not sure if she's trying to keep me as a backup plan to her "friendship" or what the case is. I'm also not sure if she's trying to stay here to be closer to me or what.
Author morephine Posted December 11, 2006 Author Posted December 11, 2006 And you're probably not going to want to be her "friend" later on down the pike. With friends like that who needs enemies? You're perfectly capable of finding "friends" who don't feel the need to rip your heart out and force feed it to you while it's still beating. Funny story about this tonight and I'm pissed but all I can do is think of this quote here and laugh to myself because of the irony. She came up to me at 10 and said she was getting ready to go to bed and wanted me to go to. I told her I was going to bed in a min anyways because I had to get up early tomorrow so we sat and talked for a min. What do you know at about 10:20 the "affair partner" calls and she says that she's going to go to bed in a little bit now. So I'm just like wtf why do you drop me all the time if you're even talking about wanting to be friends. Maybe it's just me but friends to my knowledge don't just drop one friend for the other on a repeated basis. I think I'm about at the stage that I don't even want it anymore. Watching all of this is just killing any emotions I have inside for her and I'm almost at the point of throwing in the towel and moving on for good. I'm taking anti-depressants to level my moods but damn I can't even get time to level off with this roller coaster ride that I'm on. It's almost at a point where I get sick just thinking about her. Almost like she's trying to kill everything and right when I'm at the point of giving up she does something to keep me strung along. There's only so much more that she's going to do before that string snaps and it's all gone. I keep trying to tell her (nicely and not blowing up on her about it) that what she's doing is not going to help things even if she does want to be friends but she just doesn't seem to care. If this keeps up I'll accelerate my moving out to the break in between semesters at my school. She doesn't seem to care that when that happens that it's over so I guess I should do the same. I really thought that the marriage might mean a bit more to her but I guess thats not the case.
jmargel Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 morephine, you have to make a decision whether or not you want things to continue like this. You will slowly go insane if you expect something different while continuing to treat this situation with the same remedy. There comes a point where it's either ****, or get off the pot. If she doesnt want marriage counseling and does not want to continue this marriage with the intention of having a future with you, then you two need to split up. There are countless stories on here where one spouse leaves, but now & then throws a bit of scraps to the other. With not much to have, this other spouse then just clings onto that, since that's all they have. You need to give her the ultamatium. The communication between you two is getting worse, not better.
Ladyjane14 Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 She doesn't seem to care that when that happens that it's over so I guess I should do the same. I really thought that the marriage might mean a bit more to her but I guess thats not the case. Honey... you are The Invisible Man right now. She can't SEE you. She's too caught up in her emotional and physical response to the other guy. Yeah, I said "physical". She doesn't have to be having sex with this guy to get a payoff. Her body is more than likely experiencing a 'feel-good' release of hormones and other various and sundry chemicals... just THINKING about him. This is the physical aspect of Infatuation. You won't be able to hold out indefinitely from losing your love for her if things continue on like they have. But you can slow that process down and stretch for time, preserving some of your love... if you can accept that this affair is more about HER than it is about you. Try not to internalize what are essentially your partner's deficits. Your better bet is to address what's on YOUR plate in terms of issues that need address, and not get bogged down with hers.
Author morephine Posted December 11, 2006 Author Posted December 11, 2006 Aye, I can understand what you guys are saying. I started doing well last week but like I said, with my son going to the hospital it kind of put me back to square one. Now that things are going back to normal and our son is coming home today, I can go back to focusing on myself and moving on. I've given her the ultimatum and she said she'd think about it. That is all I can do so I need to prepare for the answer that I'm almost positive is going to come. She was telling me about how she finds things to have a natural high last night as well lol. In the back of my mind, I thought that's what it was too Ladyjane. I guess we'll see how it goes. In the meantime, I'm going to focus on myself and moving on.
Mz. Pixie Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 She'll think about it :mad: How about if she hasn't made a decision by the date you had in mind you start packing her boxes for her??? Let her know that you and your child will NOT be leaving. Don't give her any money either. She's just hanging around until she can get the tax refund then all of her sweet talk will STOP. She wants to be single?? Geeze, isn't she a stay at home mom??? Ask her when she's going to get a job?? Because to be single and living on her own she'll need one. Tell her you have no intention of supporting her to stay at home once she moves out.
Gunny376 Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 She's think about it? Bro! She's told you all you need to know! Time to kick her to the curb, and get up early tomorrow morning and find yourself a new lover.
Author morephine Posted December 13, 2006 Author Posted December 13, 2006 Yep, I'm getting that same feeling. It's hard because we have a child and we've been married six years but if it's that easy for her.... I'm not saying by any means am I perfect but I've been trying to work towards a better husband and father for over a year now. Like I said, my son going into the hospital threw me off my square but I'm getting back on it now. After spending the last three days with the family, she has spent the entire day with him today. I'm so tired of this and I really can't wait until it's time to split now. I see her games daily anymore, and it really makes me laugh that she could actually think that I will fall for it. I probably would've if I hadn't gotten on anti-depressants but now that I'm on them, it becomes easier each day to detach myself from her. *edit* Yes Mz. Pixie, she knows that I'm not going to be supporting her afterwards. Hell, I can barely do it now let alone when I leave. I'm going to school full time and working as much as I can which is another major problem we have (the fact that I'm going back to school) *shrug*. At first, I just wanted to save my marriage. I really do love her unconditionally and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, but now I don't think that I want anything to do with her again after this whole ordeal. I'm just beyond sick of looking over and she's talking to him or whatever. I'm guessing he wasn't around for the last three days because she spent most of her time with all of us and acted quite like she used to. That or she was trying to keep me strung along but that string has pretty much snapped.
Author morephine Posted December 21, 2006 Author Posted December 21, 2006 Hey all, Just wanted to update on the situation. I've been doing the advice that has been given here and it has been working quite well (most of the time). I've had a rough past couple of days, but I am working my way back on track. I've noticed something kind of funny with my wife lately though, and that is the more I work on myself and keep busy, not argue with her, and try to just keep positive, the less she is talking to the "friend." She is also starting to want to spend more time with me and she said that for the last week or so she's actually "liked liked" me. I'll admit that it's been hard to just stay calm and take things as they are especially with her showing more interest, but I know that I need to keep doing my thing. I know that for the last week, she's been becoming more affectionate and actually showing those "old ways" that she used to. I'm going skeptically though not really showing it right now. It could be a game or it may not, I'm going to treat it as if it were though until I'm absolutely sure that it is not. I think one of the problems that she has run across is that the kids do not want us to separate now when they did before. Thanks again for the advice everyone. I'm going to try to post more often here as I feel comfortable here. Now that finals are almost over I need to do something for the next two weeks until next semester
jmargel Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 Glad to hear it morphine. Stay on this track. What you are doing is making her *think*. When she brings up the relationship and her possibly wanting to reconicle, that's when you tell her that you want us both to goto marriage counseling. Until then keep doing what you are doing. Don't be mean to her. If she tells you she loves you, tell her the same. Let her come to you.
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