Guest Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 Well I'm not sure if I can be called OW, because there was never physical relations between me and MM, but we've been deeply in love and he plans to divorce his W. The W has seen me a few times at company parties but is unaware of our attachment to each other. Now if MM tells her he wants a divorce, she'll be taken in shock and confusion, because the marriage has been so calm (but no sex). She will try to figure out the reason, and I'm afraid she may eventually come to think of me as a possible cause (I believe she has once noticed her H's attention on me, but nothing could have made her think that attention was not unrequited ). Can someone shed some light for me on this: As far as the divorce process is concerned, does it make a big difference whether the W knows that the reason of H's wanting divorce is the existence of OW? I tend to think that it makes big difference when it comes to her demands: if she knows this true reason, she'd know H wants to divorce ASAP, so she'll demands a lot more about property, alimony, and try to delay the process. OTOH, if MM doesn't mention any OW, I just can't see what other reason he can give for wanting a divorce (and by the way, would any other reason be better or worse than the true reason?)! I'm posting here because I'm very curious how MM will raise the issue to his W, and I don't want to ask MM himself. So thanks for any comments!
Tony T Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 It really depends on the woman. Most self respecting women would want to get away from such a slutty man as quickly as possible. Of course, a lot of men probably cheat because their wife is a vengeful bxtch so most likely it will make some difference. Yes, there are a lot of women who would make it as hard as possible on their H if they knew there was another woman involved. So what's the point of the question. You'll never know in this case until a divorce is filed and she finds out her husband is a cheater. Most states have no fault divorce these days. You don't have to state why you want a divorce...you just tell the judge you're tired of being married and that seems to do the trick in most cases. Judges seem to understand...haha! Hell, the Judge is probably seeing the same OW on the side as well.
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 I guess it depends on whether you are in a fault state or not. In my state, the W could sue you for monetary damages.
puddleofmud Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 The married persons "own' the divorce process. There is nothing one can do to change or influence the legalities so perhaps you may just wait awhile and see what is actually decided by law (as in what is written in the divorce decree and settlement). And you should have no fear of asking anything if you feel jeopordized, especially from one who loves you. The only concern you may have would be if you receive a summons to appear. If this happens, then you should take the summons to an attorney and retain legal representation. Best of luck to you!
norajane Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 I'm posting here because I'm very curious how MM will raise the issue to his W, and I don't want to ask MM himself. Why not? Since you're deeply in love, why would you be hesitant about asking him about his plans? He could come up with any number of reasons why he's asking for a divorce. Certainly, he must have shared some things with you about what is "missing" or so problematic in their marriage that he would turn to an affair. The "no sex" you mentioned would be plenty of reason to want a divorce with no other explanation necessary. It's always hard to predict how a BS may react if she finds out about the affair. She may want to divorce him as quickly as possible - to get him out of her life - but, of course, she will demand all that she is entitled to in a divorce settlement. Or, she may want to fight for the marriage and make it extremely difficult and time-consuming, and make the settlement negotiations as difficult as possible.
Guest Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 Most self respecting women would want to get away from such a slutty man as quickly as possible. Of course, a lot of men probably cheat because their wife is a vengeful bxtch so most likely it will make some difference. Tony and others: thanks for your replies. No the MM is in no way near being "slutty" or a "cheater". We have a purely platonic relationship. We just find each other share so much in common, interests, moral standards, personalities, intellect, etc, while his W shares almost none with him except twenty years of mostly sexless life together. He has no way with women, in fact that's perhaps why he ended up marrying this W. The W is not so much a "self-respecting" woman. She's gotten used to accompany him simply as a spousal role in public settings. She's 99% treated as so-and-so's W rather than as someone on her own. Sounds aweful? She doesn't seem to be aware that a man like her H can't be satisfied with a W who simply cooks for him and be friendly with him. He could have just hired a cook or housekeeper! And to answer the question of several of you: unfortunately we are in a state that does not recognize no fault. [sigh]
peacelove Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 I wonder what happens if the wife has a boyfriend? If she does, how does that play out in the divorce proceedings? Will/can the husband & wife sue each other along with the ow/om?
Guest Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 I wonder what happens if the wife has a boyfriend? I WISH she could have a boyfriend! However anyone who know her would agree with me that this highly, highly unlikely, if even possible. She's also quite old near retirement (that's another thing complicating the matter). Frankly, were I in the MM's position, I would nevertheless divorce at all cost. The twenty years of life such as his is worse than to be alone.
whichwayisup Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 We have a purely platonic relationship. It's not platonic if you two are inlove with eachother! Just because there hasn't been any physical part of your 'relationship' with him, doesn't mean it's platonic. Platonic means not letting yourself fall for eachother Atleast to me that's what it means...
Guest Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 whichwayisup: I disagree with you, HOWEVER it is irrelevant how the term is interpreted. I simply meant to say the MM in this case can't be called "slutty" or "cheater" like perhaps most MMs mentioned on this board.
puddleofmud Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 "She's also quite old near retirement (that's another thing complicating the matter)." Facts are facts: no matter the situation he chose to stay, the marriage has assets and she is entitled by law as well as what is ethical. I find your wording a bit disturbing being that he must be "quite old" as well so why single her age? Also, please don't belittle the "cooking and cleaning". It is respectable that a spouse should take care of their home and if this situation wasn't pleasing to him he could have dealt with this long ago by leaving. She may have earned an appropriate/ fair settlement! You may wish to seriously consider how this man is treating this situation-and wonder what kind of values he possesses. The marriage may not be satisfactory but one can't know all the details in a very long marriage w/ persons approaching retirement. If he is so concerned about protecting his own assets I would be very concerned that he would also kick you to the curb to protect them... I know this sounds harsh but it is something you may wish to think about. Take care of yourself!
Guest Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 Thanks for your reply. Truth is, MM is more than a MODEL HUSBAND. It will require too many words for me to describe, but to put it briefly, if there's anything one party owes the other more, it's the W that owes the H. The twenty years of marriage had died long, long ago, yet MM did more than a superb job raising her kid from a previous marriage, he's a better father than even many biological fathers. The kid is happily married now and probably knows better what a hppy marriage is supposed to be like. Anyways neither of us cares much about monetary issues but if the thing drags on for too long I'm afraid no one will be happy, even the W.
Seen_It_All Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 Now if MM tells her he wants a divorce, she'll be taken in shock and confusion, because the marriage has been so calm (but no sex). I didn't realize you lived with these folks and slept with them every single night. Because that's the ONLY way you'd know if their marriage is sexless or not. I just can't see what other reason he can give for wanting a divorce From what you've told us of this cold, frigid woman, I would imagine he has PLENTY of reason to get a divorce. It's obviously a sexless, loveless, passionless marriage - according to HIM. So, what more reason does he need to get this oh-so-magical divorce? I simply meant to say the MM in this case can't be called "slutty" or "cheater" like perhaps most MMs mentioned on this board. Whew, that's a relief. Glad to know he's not one of those smarmy, cheating liars. I would imagine his wife knows ALL about your innocent and pure love - right? After all, if he's not a cheater and he's doing nothing wrong, then I'm sure he's told her all about your very 'special' friendship and isn't LYING to her about it ... right? 'Cause only cheaters lie and deceive, as we all know. The twenty years of life such as his is worse than to be alone. LOL...and yet he chose to stay in this particular brand of HELL. Go figure. He has no way with women, in fact that's perhaps why he ended up marrying this W. The W is not so much a "self-respecting" woman. Hmmm....I guess this prince amongst men wasn't able to land himself a 'babe' to marry back in his youth, so he took what he could get at the time, eh? Gosh, wonder WHY he wasn't able to land himself a babe? He sounds like a dream to me....it's a condundrum, for sure. She doesn't seem to be aware that a man like her H can't be satisfied with a W who simply cooks for him and be friendly with him. He could have just hired a cook or housekeeper! Maybe she doesn't seem to be 'aware' of it because he's STAYED WITH HER and hasn't LEFT HER. I just LOVE how you make this jerk out to be the innocent victim while the wife is some clueless COW whose too stupid to see how MISERABLE her husand is. I guess it's HER fault that she hasn't seen his utter misery and done him a favor by throwing herself off a cliff so he can be a free man. What a selfish BI*TCH, that one. Hey, good luck with that "happily ever after" you think is coming your way. I would suggest, however, that you don't hold your breath til you get it.
passerby Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 From what you've told us of this cold, frigid woman, I would imagine he has PLENTY of reason to get a divorce. It's obviously a sexless, loveless, passionless marriage - according to HIM. So, what more reason does he need to get this oh-so-magical divorce? Are you serious S-I-A he has PLENTY of reason to get a divorce if she is a frigid woman? My wife can't have sex with me as a result of a medical accident (we won the lawsuit), but I didn't and will never divorce her because I cannot live a single day without seeing her smile. No one else in this world can make me happier than she does! Just the sight of her is worth millions times more than having sex with the sexiest woman!
puddleofmud Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 This is what not just love but commitment is truly about! Are you serious S-I-A he has PLENTY of reason to get a divorce if she is a frigid woman? My wife can't have sex with me as a result of a medical accident (we won the lawsuit), but I didn't and will never divorce her because I cannot live a single day without seeing her smile. No one else in this world can make me happier than she does! Just the sight of her is worth millions times more than having sex with the sexiest woman!
passerby Posted December 9, 2006 Posted December 9, 2006 This is what not just love but commitment is truly about! NO, NOT AT ALL. It is LOVE, only LOVE! I would never be chained by commitment if I don't feel loved by my wife or if I don't love her. She is my third wife. I had two unhappy marriages before her, in the first I found myself marrying the wrong person, just wrong all round, I was too young and inexperienced. In the second we did same work and shared hobbies, but she proved to be a woman that didn't like intimacy. I felt very very lonely in my second, long marriage especially as I was getting older -- when you are young you can always find buddies, games, but when you are older it's not easy to find company but spend all your weekends and vacations with your wife. We slept on the same bed but I felt absolutely lonely. As for my current wife, we love each other from head to toe. She knows how to satisfy me, too, so don't think I'm a man who can live without sex. We have our way to do it, haha.
Guest Posted December 9, 2006 Posted December 9, 2006 Seen_It_All, you appear to know all the virtues of the W and the joys of this marriage better than even their family members do. Obviously, the W is too good, the H is too evil. Should they, nevertheless, stay together?
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