I'm trying to cope, but my mind is toying with me

[The write one]

I've been in NC for a little over three weeks, I think. The thing is, its hard as hell because i feel like i'm being an ass and she's slipping away. Half of me has accepted the fact that she dumped me and its over, but then i go into panic mode.

 

You see, I (think) i almost had her back, but her aloofness and back and forth irritated me. I got the whole, I love you, but i'm confused and i don't know what i want. She even went as far as to say i'm not that "intensly" attracted to you since the break up and I'm trying to wein myself off of you.

 

So i said enough of this emotional rollercoaster and friend crap. so i dissapeared. This was my second time doing NC. The first time (30 days) was ended after she literally went crazy and called, emailed and came over hundreds of times.

 

I caved in, did the lets get coffee and after i tried to go back in as a "friend," she saduced me into bed and then launched her "i love yous, i thought about a second chance, but i don't know what i want."

 

I still hung in there, telling her i'd wait for her. Then two weeks past and i hadn't heard from her and i paniced and lured her back into my life with an emailed poem. LSS, She asked to see me in an email, I was hesitant, played hard to get..Then she called, i said i'd call beck and never did.

 

It's now been three weeks and i haven't heard from her, not even on thanxgivin. Goodriddens i thought, but i keep going back to I was "mean" not to call her. The ball was in my court and i refused to play. Then i think no matter what i do, destiny will have its way with me, then i think, that our 8 year love affair is over and its time to move on.

 

My problem is i can't stay put in one thought process. We've been broken up almost 4 months now. So why am i pining so hard now. I guess when she was making contact like crazy, I felt a little justified, but now that its all stopped, I feel bad for not calling her back like i said i would and for all of the other things that i believe made her leave me in the first place. I just want piece of mind. Please help.

 

I realize, I'd only be making contact just to get a quick fix, but w/o doing it i believe she has forgotten about me and i'll never hear from her again. So what...right? But i just can't get my mind to stay there.

[Giver]

It sounds like you're pretty confused about what you want. Did you go into NC as an attempt to get her back or to get over her and move on? My mind was where yours is about a month ago (have been broken up for 5 months) and I have only just now got to the point where I am in NC to get over him and move on.

 

If you don't want her back then I don't think you're being rude, you need space and time away from each other to allow your thoughts to settle.

[The write one]

I went NC at first to get her back because she was confused. I had already exhausted all other options other than patients, but my peace of mind couldn't handle seeing and being with her in a capacity other that the relationship. In addition, she wouldn't really commincate her need or wants to me, while i remained her limbo man.

 

After talking with family and friends they all convinced me that she didn't really want me anymore, she just wanted to know i was still around "kitten in the basket" so to speak. That idea pissed me off, so i went full NC as a means to get over her and move on.

 

I really want fate to deal with it all, becasue on top of being dumped, left for broke, selling the engangment ring, in a city i hate and in the throws of a new job. I just couldn't dedicate the mental time and anquish to a full pursuit (again).

 

I figured i'd already done that within our 8 years together, me chocking everthing to move 800 miles to be with her, me proposing, leaving behind family and friends etc. I've already faught and sacrificed and loved for this relationship. While she's been plotting against it for the last few years.

 

I just want someone to fight for me, so i gave up to save my job, my ego, my self esteem, my dignity and my sanity. Life just seems lifeless without her sometimes. So to answer your question, at first NC to get her back, but it moves from that to NC to get over her. I just want to stay put in moving on. Otherwise i feel I'm playing myself.

 

Tonight, i erased her pics and numbers from my cell phone, i'm really trying to move on

[Jane Doe]

Honey, she is playing you like a violin and enjoying every minute of it. When are you going to put an end to this madness once and for all? If she truly loved you, she wouldn't be "confused." Do you ever wonder what she's up to when you don't hear from her for weeks at a time? I doubt she's home playing solitaire. She wants you to be her backup.......her ego boost.......her safety net.

 

I think she's beaten you down mentally, financially, and emotionally to the point where you don't think you're worthy of anything better. You'd be better off alone for the rest of your life than to spend one more minute with this loon. She's poison!!! Please see that! You're never ever going to find another woman while you're pining away for her. That whole "I love you but I'm confused" b.s. is the lamest, oldest line in the book. She's a bad habit you need to break now. Stop being her doormat. Erase her number, block her emails and stay away from her. Focus on yourself and getting your life straight. I think once you rid yourself of her for good you'll see that your life isn't as bad as you think it is.

[The write one]

I've been in NC for weeks now, I think i've established to her that i'm not going to be used as the doormat she paces back and forth on while deciding what to do. I haven't called or anything, i've even erased her numbers tonight and i'm mentally trying to snatch my mind away from her.

 

It's so strange becasue i feel like you know me personally with your straight forward comments Jane Doe. Maybe it's because you know my history through my threads and posts. How did you know she used to play solitare. In fact, instead of talking with me about the "doubts" she had about us, she would etheir play that BS or get up in the wee hours to check out bisexual female websites. TMI, sorry i was ranting, but that sh** is true.

 

But yes, this woman has wiped me out financially and mentally. And even though i am gettin on with the get on, talking more to friends and family, going out with other women and looking better than i have in years, i still feel worthless because i couldn't satisfy her.

 

Instead of stacking my chips, i'm spending hundreds in therapy just to keep hearing its not my fault, i'm not a bad person. I invested so much in her, and not just money, Hell i'm still investing. I just knew i'd grow old with this woman. That's why i gave away, not sold, but gave away everything that couldn't fit into my car, including a $5,000 bedroom set. That was the first bedroom set i ever had in my life yall so that was something sentimental.

 

I also moved from Chicago to Philly, a place i hate and have no family nor friends, just to be with her, I lived out of two luggages for the year that i lived in her apartment, spent thousands on couples' therapy just so she would sit there and say nothing, which in turn made the thearpist blame me for everything becasue i was the only one talking about my problems.

 

The list goes on...me and my family spent thousands to break a lease on my Chicago apt to move in with her a thousand miles away, I again spent thousands on an engangment ring (i had to propose to her twice ya know...yep, she claimed fear the first time), In the mist of all of that, for three of our last 8 years, i spent trying to go above and beyond, because I believed in this fairy tale they call love. But this bitch just stop trying literally. She became a door knob. I know all the sign were there, i just refused to see them.

 

With all that, my self image, coupled with my sexual stamina, finances, mental and physical health...everything went to hell. The sex is back though, thank God. I was starting to think i had an irriversable health issue. But that just goes to show you she tore me up in every way she could and all i did was take it. I wasn't perfect in this in no way, but I did nothing to warrant that type of treatment from anybody.

 

Whyeven think about this lost soul, she's a great woman on the surface and i'm sure whomever gets her next is going to experience bliss, BUT THAT'S JUST IN THE BEGINING. After a while, she will flip the script and destroy them too. She's like that greek methological character "the Sirens." Thanx Jane Doe for the mental bitch smack. Thank you too Giver for letting me know i'm not crazy.

[Jane Doe]

And even though i am gettin on with the get on, talking more to friends and family, going out with other women and looking better than i have in years, i still feel worthless because i couldn't satisfy her.

No one can satisfy her. Please understand this. It's not a deficit in you. She is obviously a selfish, self-centered, miserable individual who seems to have some trouble deciding what she wants to be (sexually and otherwise) and while she runs rampant she's used you as her sole source of security and stability. Unfortunately, in her doing so it's robbed you of just about everything you have.

 

I want you to check out these websites and print out the information.

 

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq6.html

 

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq80.html

 

Are you still going to therapy? I certainly hope so!! If you are, please share what you printed out with your therapist and run it by him/her. Your loon exhibits a lot of narcissistic personality disorder traits. I'd be interested to see what your therapist has to say about it. It's generally males who have this disorder (which is why everything says "him" and "he") but it can certainly be applied to women. I'm no doctor and don't pretend to be one, but I've been reading up on this and the way she's acting certainly sounds familiar. Just something to think about..........

 

You need to understand one thing. As long as you have this person in your life you will never know peace. You will never know security. You will never know financial stability, emotional stability, or stability of any kind. I can't stress that to you enough. You have got to stay away from her. Period.

 

Is there any way you can move back to Chicago or at the very least away from her? If there's any way you can do that, I really think you should. If not, you need to change your phone number and block her from emailing you. If she comes by, do not answer the door. It's good that you're in NC right now but I'm not so sure you'll stay that way. She's a very addictive drug to you and since she's bled you dry of everything else, I fear you'll fall for her again. You've become comfortable in her madness. It's familiar to you. The problem with that is that you get so used to dysfunction you're unable to think clearly and see things (her!) for what they really are. At this point I don't know if you'd recognize a healthy relationship if it hit you in the face.

 

But that just goes to show you she tore me up in every way she could and all i did was take it.

You say this, and I know a part of your intellect sees this, but I'd bet the farm if she came running to you with more smoke and mirrors and more "I love yous" you'd fall for it all over again. This is why it's imperative that you put lots and lots of distance between you two. She's a predator and sees you as easy prey.

 

No, I don't know you at all. (I wish I did so I could slap some sense into you......LOL) The reason I seem to "know" so much is that I can step back and look at this with objectivity and clarity where you cannot.

[The write one]

I read the articles JD and they literally scared the sh** out of me because i at first thought i related to the narcissist personality. I then sank into this deep hole of how i'm a bad person and how i drove her off with these characteristics. But then i read them again, with an objective eye and, while i still believe i had a small amount of simularities within the disorder, I mainly related to the victim. And as memory would have it, she was more like the narcissist in certian situations.

 

I couldn'r believe it, becasue just like the article stated, i can't accept that she was like that. She was so nice and sweet and innocent the first few years of the relationship. In turn, i made it all fault. I am still in therapy btw and i told my head doctor a few weeks ago how it is funny that in the begining of the relationship, I was the confident, extroverted one, had a large circle of friends and hobbies, close with my family and she was the extreme introvert, didn't have a lot of friends, never went out, very sheltered, hated her father and hard to converse with.

 

What's crazy is after a few f***ups on my behalf and a three year LDR stint, the roles completely reversed. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?

 

I found myself, trying so hard to redeem myself and love her 100 percent. You see, in the first few years of our relationship, she would do some dumb ass things that were violations w/in our realtionship. I'd get angry and threaten to break up with her instead of telling her she had made me angry and please never do that again. In addition, because i felt i was beneath her intelligence and unworthy of her goodness, i withheld negative info about myself from her thinking she would leave me if she knew. (i.e. I smoked, i had to go to Community College before University.) I also lied a few times, so she wouldn't get angry with me.

 

I finally admitted to all of my errors, because i wanted to be on the level with her and disclose all of my insecurities. Well, she said i was a munipulator, lier and if I really loved her, i wouldn't have done that. I agreed and asked for her forgiveness and told her i'd never do it again. Other than a few minor f***ups along the way, I stayed true to my word.

 

But her heart grew cold, she never let go of my transgressions and never really forgave me. Everytime something minor came up, she would bring up the past. So i grew even more insecure within myself and the relationship. I tried everything to show her i really did love her and I said sorry too many times to the piont, it became just words used to calm the beast inside her. I didn't believe in the word sorry anylonger because she never let it go. So i said i wasn't going to do it anymore. I felt my actions should show my true intentsions (love). But she constatnly beat me down with the past. It was like fighting a war that didn't exist. How do you remedy something like that?

 

So as time passed i became more self conscience and she more confident and distant, She's always tell me about all the people who compliment her looks, all the clubs she goes to, her bisexual curousity, she would belittle me infront of my family etc etc. I just became, as the article stated an "extension of her." Following her everywhere, doing everything she wanted, giving in to her needs, avioded conflict at all costs, giving her complete control, neglecting family, friends and hobbies. Infact, i grew to hate certain things about my own family based on her coersion. All this made me extremely negative toward my job, my life, my situation. And she, of course noted that to me "You're so negative," she would say. (Well, why do you think i am, i gambled my life on your ass and all i get is distance. You unappreciative bitch.)

 

I was so unloving toward myself that i begged for sex thinking that would be validation that she still wanted and loved me. But sex came few and far between from her. Her compliments stopped, her affection ceased, she stopped telling me she loved me-- everything from that sweet innocent wondeful woman dissapeared. She said it was because i wasn't romantic. BS, I would go all out to put on theatrical love scenes I wrote poetry like i was freaking Poe or Hughes, put money into her like she was freakin NASDAQ . All in addtion to loving her 100 percent.

 

And when sex was finally given to me like table scraps to a hound dog, she was totally not there, didn't make eye contact, acted irritated, would kiss me (ever), would stop in the middle of it and tell me "I'm done" or "you don't know my body anymore." she wouldn't do anthing but lay there. I did everything to try and get it right, i read books, studied other positions, looked at porn (ok, that was really for me becasue i wasn't getting any) I was so fixated on getting it right, that i became a one minute man from all the pressure and so insecure with my body and performance. I even thought something was medically wrong with me.

 

When i relayed to her that I possibly suffer from ED and i just need her to bear with me becasue its probably due to self-induced bedroom stress, she got angry and said i was blaming her and "i blame all of my problems on her." So this began this vicious cycle of her rejecting me and me going into a shell or (silent treatment) because everytime i was upset with her and vioced my concerns, she flipped out. So to avioded confrontation and went silent. I didn't know what else to do. My stonewalling is where i get confused as to if i was the narcissist and she was the victim.

 

Whatever the case, she was constantly upset with me almost the entire time i lived with her (1 year). I became extremely needy and jealuos in a way where i constanly fished for emotional attacment from her. I always wandered if she was with someone else because she cut off from me. That turned into her saying i didn't trust her and that is what she said led to her final decision to leave me.

 

I was never like this before, but i became this big ass p**** under her. So I took all of this baggage with me when she showed me the door and now i believe it was all my fault. Perhaps it was, but i tried, i really did. I'm not perfect and this was my first real relationship out of HS. I had no road map, but i was and still am a good man. It pisses me off that she was plotting on leaving while i was gathering wedding supplies. I angers me to no end that end that everything was blamed on me. It confuses me because instead of taking a break, breaking the engagment, continuing couple's therapy (which was worthless the first time around) she went all the way to step 10 and kicked me out of her life. So of course i'm left to think i was that horrible of a person.

 

On top of everthing else, she had the worst luck in the world. Everything in her life was going in a negative direction, she was always sad, had no sence of future or direction. She was obssessed with school, (understood as a former grad student) but she can't seem to graduate and think what or where she wants to be once she's out.

 

Sorry this is so long, but i have to some how flush out 8 years of waisted time. Was this a realtionship that had run its course or was i a predator or a victim? I ask becasue my judgement has become cloudy.

[Jane Doe]

Your posts make me angry and make my eyes bleed, yet I feel compelled to reply. LOL

 

Stop blaming yourself!!!!! You are not the predator here!!!!!!! She is a selfish, sanctimonious, miserable, immature b*tch and for the life of me, I don't understand why you can't see that. Argh!!!!!!!!

 

She was so nice and sweet and innocent the first few years of the relationship.

 

Yeah, and you've spent the rest of the relationship trying to recapture that. It isn't who she is. Stop trying to recreate that persona of who you believed she was. See her for what she is.

 

What's crazy is after a few f***ups on my behalf and a three year LDR stint, the roles completely reversed. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?

 

You gave up your power and allowed her to take control of the relationship and run roughshod over you. And run over you she did! She's made you feel horrendous guilt and shame and completely emasculated you and you fell for it hook, line, and sinker. You are her narcissistic supply. I hope you realize this. If you read some of the links on this site http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/ and stop putting her on a pedestal you'll realize that.

 

And when sex was finally given to me like table scraps to a hound dog, she was totally not there, didn't make eye contact, acted irritated, would kiss me (ever), would stop in the middle of it and tell me "I'm done" or "you don't know my body anymore." she wouldn't do anthing but lay there.

 

And she wondered why you had erection difficulties????? Good grief!

 

Was this a realtionship that had run its course or was i a predator or a victim?

 

You were a victim, but you allowed it. Please, I beg of you, get this woman out of your life. You're obviously an intelligent man. Stop letting her screw with your mind and make you believe you're some kind of freakish monster. You can do so much better than this unstable manipulator. I strongly urge you to continue with your counseling. I hope he/she can get through to you because you're a tough case indeed.

[Jane Doe]

Hey, check out this link, too. http://tearsandhealing.com/narcissistic-personality-disorder5.htm?utm_content=5whatis-ishe-notcrazy-LrnDis-stopAb&gclid=CNvPl8DKgYkCFRMWFQodSUb_KQ

[The write one]

Why do my posts make you angry and bloody up your eyes JD? Are they too long, I'm sorry, but i tend to over-write. Writing is both my talent and job and i often communicate best this way, so sorry for the length. Now, if it's because my posts seem redundant, its because they are. All I'm left with is what i know, so it makes me question everything and i want outsider's opinions on it. I must say that you're a big help, God, not even my shrink has made me remove this vale i had with her.

 

Not to mention, my sympathy card is almost expired and friends and family (i believe) are starting to tire of my mysery. "Get over it" is what they're thinking, so all i have now is LS and wonderful people like yourself.

 

I wanted to ask...as for the role reversal, when we met, HS sweethearts, I was the good looking popualr dumb thug/jock with no future and she was the ugly duckling nerd who had it all together. As time progressed, we both went through undergrad, but somehow i pulled ahead at the speed of light and she just remained stagnant academically. Not that it was a race or competition, but it just seemed she slowed.

 

For grad school, i went to Chicago and she Philly. I graduated a three-year MA program in 2, while she was in a five year PHD program, for guess what, "psychology." Well, she flunked out of that and instead of moving to Chicago like she said she would if given the chance, she stayed in Philly because she wanted to transfer her PHd credits into a masters program in the same school she supposedly hated. I told her she could finish in a school in Chicago, while i work and support us, but she said no because she said all of her credits wouldn't tranfer in another school.

 

I said i understood, but i was still hurt. Since i was done with my formal education and already working within my field. I chose to move to be with her. What a mistake.

I Left a great job for a position in Philly that paid $15,000 less, but hey, i was in love so money didn't matter.

 

My piont is do you think she became envious of me or despises me because she used to be the superior one with all the brains in the relationship and now she's the attractive dumb jock?

[The write one]

Also, i'm not thick, i'm getting and taking heed to everything you're saying. It's just i'm like a freakin newborn here, so all of your insight is profound to me. I get it though, i just need to hear it, sometimes more than once. I know it's not my fault, but i just can't stay in that thought process all the time as i said in the original post. That's going to take a little time to seep in. So please bear with me.

[Jane Doe]

No, your posts don't make me angry as in "I want to hit you" or anything like that. I guess I just feel frustrated because you're obviously so intelligent but you have a tremendous blind spot where this woman is concerned. I'm sure your family and friends must feel the same way. It's not that they're "tired" of you or unfeeling to your problems. They're likely very confused as to why you can't see that this woman is clearly poison to you. Granted, you may intellectually know she's poison but you're still drawn to her like a moth to a flame.

 

I think you need to take a step back and pretend that this was your brother or best friend in this situation. What would you advise him to do if he had a creature such as this in his life? Would you tell him to hang in there because she might "get better?" Or would you tell him to run like hell and never look back? You're so emotionally invested in her your focus and common sense is tragically skewed.

 

My piont is do you think she became envious of me or despises me because she used to be the superior one with all the brains in the relationship and now she's the attractive dumb jock?

 

That could very well be. If she has NPD (which I strongly suspect is a great possibility) then it's got to be killing her that she's not "above" you. People with that disorder must be the best at everything and they will tear down anyone who doesn't think they are or who finds the slightest bit of fault with them. Ever notice how she's completely innocent of any wrongdoing? From all you've said she takes no responsibility for anything whatsoever. It's always someone else's fault. You've got to know there's something wrong with someone who sees no fault in anything they say or do.

 

You're living in the hopes that she's going to magically turn back into the girl you first met. It's not going to happen. She's been this way for a long time now. Stop living in the past and see her for what she is today. You cannot possibly be in love with someone who berates you, causes you sexual difficulties, is a cold fish in bed, lies to you, misleads you, can't make up her mind about anything, ignores you, left you broke, is totally unloving and unaffectionate, and can't keep her word on anything. You're in love with a memory -- a fantasy of what "could be." Live in the here and now......in the reality. The reality is that you had a horrible relationship but thank God and Greyhound it's now over. You have the chance to rebuild your life and put this behind you. You can move on and find a decent woman who will love and accept you for all that you are. You can do this!! But you've got to put this into perspective and stop living in a dreamworld. She's no dream; she's a nightmare!

[The write one]

I must be under some spell or something, because as i'm reading your vary post, full of insightful advice that speaks directly to who she really was, my mind shifts and literally talks me out of it.

 

You: She takes no responsiblity for anything that went wrong

 

Me: Yeah, it was like she was freaking princess

 

My Sickness: I can't remember anything she did wrong. You did her wrong in so many ways and all she wanted to do was love you. She may be bitter nowadays, but you turned her that way. Maybe you're the sick one with NPD, because you exibit some of the traits on that site.

 

 

You see JD, that's how its works for me. All the great advice and evidence to your piont is taken in, examined, consumed and banked. But then My Sickness kicks in and talks me out of it.

 

By my sickness i mean, I believe i have terrible self esteem issues. While i appear strong, i'm actually very sensitive and self consicience to what other think of me. (Sounds like NPD...right) I don't want to be this way, but its here and its stronger now since i've been rejected. Plus, since i was the one that was dumped, isin't it natural for me to think it was all my fault?

 

Thinking back, my ex never felt like she fit in with anybody, very self conscience, poor social skills, always felt like people have taken advantage of her kindness, she began lashing out at poeple within the last year or so, hated her body (until recently), hates her family (father for his "mental abuse," mother for her "weakness"), seemed so focus, yet has no focus, extremely mean and distant during our counceling together, needy, pushy, had no respect for my personal time i.e. never understood why i would have to get off the phone when i said i couldn't talk right now, CONTROLING, Blamed me for everything wrong, Disagreed with me constantly.

 

I add all that because, she was abandoned as a child by her parents and she admits to having issue with that. Be it, they came back into her life when she was 3, she still holds a great deal of resentment toward them. She lables herself as "free spirit," appears strange or wierd to people, very unique, and very angry. She holds alot inside, nonchalant toward everything.

 

But her wierdness, differences and innocence are what orginally attracted me to her 8 years ago. I found her Exotic. Now i'm thinking my need for approval and low self esteem is what attracted me to her. It's like i was the perfect prey and she the perfect predator. (Stay there, stay there)

[Jane Doe]

I understand what you mean by Your Sickness. You're going to have to reprogram your brain to stop all of this negative self talk. Surely your therapist can help you with this. Have you discussed it with him/her? You've gotten into a terrible habit of doing this to the point where you're believing it, even though your intellect knows better. I know you may feel freakish, but this is a very common thing that people fall into. I've been there myself. You have to truly focus and force yourself to think of reality and no about "what ifs" and "if onlys."

[The write one]

I made a note to discuss my most recent revelations about who i was with, with my therapist this week. Although, based on my sickness, its hard not to blame myself, i believe her negatives are worth a paid conversation wit da old shrink.

 

I keep thinking that she is now happy with somebody else and that's why i haven't heard from her, but then i think, I'm the best lover this side of the Mason Dixon and i actually want her to discover "new love" so that chick can see what she lost. She used to occassionally say, during our relationship "that she wished she had a boyfriend before me so she would know how to deal with certain things" She also laid on my how I do nice things for her, "but anybody can do nice things for her" and the night she dumped me she siad "it's like we're friends who have sex from time to time."

 

What a bunch of blows to the male psychi. I didn't even pick up on all that crap until i started analyzing all the signals that she wanted out months after the breakup. F*** it, if she wanted out, who am i to want different for her. This morning it hit me that i can't do a thing to change the outcome of my relationship. Some may call it a comforting copout, but i really believe, what happened was written and planned eons before i was around and if that's what's meant to be then so be it.

 

Although the pain of the loss has not subsided yet, I know that God's will be done. Who am i to question it. I was a good lover, not perfect, but damn good and perhaps the type of love i showed her is not what she wanted or even believed was real love. Inexperiance, casues us to make mistakes--right. I hate that i put so much time in and hate that i'm hurting and hate that i lost someone i considered my best friend and lover, but that's perfectly fine by me if that is what was supposed to happen on August 13, 2006.

[The write one]

Hey, that was my 100th post, do i get a prize now?

[The write one]

Why has this week been so damn hard for me? I've been out with friends, talking with other ladies and applying strict NC. However, I freaking thinking about her all the time. It's been four months since the breakup and almost two months since NC. I should be healing at a fast pace by now. But i keep having dreams about her and the mornings are still hurting.

 

What is going on w/me? Here's what i think effed my up. This woman i'm currently seeing literally has premonitions. At least that what she tells me. I recently asked her if she had seen me in anymore of her visions and she said yeah, but they were bad. So i asked her to tell me, just in case i need to be on the look out for sh** falling from the sky or Nicole Richie driving down the wrong side of the freeway...lol. So she told me and it was a bittersweet future that i don't know to believe.She said she is usually dead on.

 

She has said she saw us hooking up several months before it happened, has seen visions of me being the cause of her hurting, The most recent one she seen, on more than one occasion, me telling her that i have to leave her because my ex came back and it was warm outside. I just told her that's her paranoia speaking and that will never happen. However, she said the vision appeared just like the hundreds of others that came true in her life.

 

Now, i usually don't pay psychic readings any attiention. I don't put too much faith in them, but i do know that some people really have this gift. So i literally got excited about her reading (kept that to myself) and that sent me right back into false hope land. I was doing so well with moving on until she told me that the ex will be coming back. Now i freakin wondering when this will happen.

 

This is terrible becasue i'm almost back to square one and the holidays are approaching. This is so sad that i can't get over this hump. I really don't need the ex to come back to me, so i'm trying not to believe this vision. But it has led me to rethinking the past and questioning if she will return.

 

There's no indication of this whatsoever, but i'm depending on some crazy notion of the future. This is so bad and has done me so much damage. She told me she didn't want to tell me, but i pried it out of her.

[ThatAin'tRight]

Dude, please, this sounds like a test to me. Do not fall for it. Horoscopes and future predictions are all altrusitic, do not fall for it. Carry on as if you had never heard it. Forget it all together.

It's hard I know. I want my ex back so bad it makes me sick to see my own reflection sometimes.

If you have ever mentioned your ex to this girl, or that you had been badly hurt or messed with, disregard her premonitions.

[The write one]

I told her all about the ex and i told her to stay away from me because i wasn't ready for another relationship, i'm still grieving and i'm not over my ex. But she wouldn't back off. I don't really like her, i just like the fact that i'm liked by another woman.

 

So yeah, i am going to end up hurting her, according to her predictions. I keep telling her she should stay away, but she thinks she can change me, so be it. So i really think this woman is just thinking negatively about me leaving her, which she should. But she keeps telling me her visions always come true...What the hell am i supposed to believe? I'll just act like nothing was ever said. Thanx

[The write one]

Why do i always attract the crazies? Who exactly is testing me ThatAin'tRight...Life? or That's so Raven? (the psychic rebound).

[ThatAin'tRight]

Haha! Two very valid and concise responses.

First, her premonitions will come true because you told her they would, I am telling you to ignore the crap about the ex coming back. She may and she may not, it's beyond your control. Why worry about things that are beyond your control? I say F@#% it and get on with yourself. Enjoy the time with the That's So Raven (love the name), get used to being found attractive and cared for by another female. Perhaps TSRaven looks for wounded ducks like yourself, no offense, so that she can make predictable predictions. She's probably a sweet good hearted girl, don't mess her up...keep being honest with her and, in turn, yourself (Jerry Springer moment).

Secondly, who's testing with you? It's simple...YOU ARE! Just like I am testing myself. Just like everyone in here. We all knew getting into our respective relationships that we were taking a huge chance, with odds worse than roullette, but we carried on, believed in the other (and more importantly, ourselves) only to be told in one way or another that we aren't good enough. That hurt, but is it true? Only if we allow it to be. I am beat up and confused like everyone in this section. I can't be miserable any more. Tomorrow, I may feel like crap again and have to fight the very urge to pick up the phone and tell her that I can't do it, I can't shut her out. But I look forward to that challenge.

T_w_o, we are better than this, I can tell by your joking that you are going to come out of this just fine. I am trying to avoid cliche here and that's tough. I am feeling remarkably upbeat and that's annoying, I know, but I have heard it's contagious. Enjoy your psychic, my friend, see if you can get the winning lottery numbers out of her or the winner of the next 5 major sporting events, use any means necessary.

[The write one]

I'm learning to release things beyond my control and let the cards fall where they may. Good insight btw, TAR! You and JD are obvisouly wise to the emotional game that I'm in. Though, i don't know what you mean be "her premonitions will come true because you told her they would," but everyhting else is right on que. Especially "Perhaps TSRaven looks for wounded ducks like yourself, no offense, so that she can make predictable predictions."

 

I actually asked her if she does this last night.

 

I keep telling That's So Raven that i'm a wounded animal, but she said she finds me sexy and likes the vibe i give off regardless. So I'm not going to stop for the time being. She is a very sweet young lady, who i believe gets me in alot of ways. I actually wrote about her in a post along time ago about her being an ex coworker who i was trying to adopting as a fwb, but she wasn't having that.

 

I do admit that i'm using her to practice on bettering myself. I know i'm going to get flack from you guys on that. But i want to be a better person by correcting or changing the mistakes i made in my last relationship. Like i said i wasn't perfect. And all along the way i'm telling super psychic girl what i'm doing.

 

She said she often takes risks when it comes to matters of the heart, but "everybody does," she said and she'd rather take the risk, than to live in "what ifs." I respect that and totally agree with her. Maybe her predictions come true maybe not. They just threw a loop in my healing process.