Rooster_DAR Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 Your not accepting things for the way they are, I have struggled with acceptance myself. Days go by and I think I have moved on, but I use one last excuse to hold on. After you do this long enough, you get tired of the empty promises and realize that you need to accept things for what they are. It's sad, but it's life. Good luck!
Author J80 Posted December 8, 2006 Author Posted December 8, 2006 I know you're right. I just have such a hard time with the thought that she really left me. I just wanted to love her. I still haven't told a lot of people at work, and it's hard because one of my co-workers likes to tell me about places to eat, because he's a big fat-ass, and where I could take my girlfriend. So he was just telling me about some place and I'm just thinking about how that'll probably never happen. It's stupid...but I had to go and cry...how sad IS that?
Ssheena Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 J80, It's sad but not sad as in what a loser that you have to go off and cry at work. Otherwise, I would be just as sad as you and I'm sure others of us here too. Let me ask you this, would you rather be the type of person who can show and feel the emotions, no matter how painful they are, or the kind of person who can just walk away and who bottles them up and never acknowledges that they hurt or even know what hurt is? This time is a roller coaster and you have a blindfold on. This is a real sharp downhill and a curve at the same time. Somedays, some hours might seem to be straightening out and then before you know it, something triggers and stomach in the throat, no warning, downhill. It's sooooo hard. I have this quote on my bathroom wall (right near my "What would Xena do" bumper sticker). Life is full of ups and downs. The trick is to enjoy the ups and have courage during the downs. Sending you lots of courage and a big hug. Keep posting, don't be too hard on yourself.
Author J80 Posted December 8, 2006 Author Posted December 8, 2006 Thanks for the kind words. I'm not really ashamed of crying or anything...I just hate when I can't stop. I keep feeling like there were so many things I could have done that would have taken so little effort to make things work. It's like I was just settled in and took that comfort for granted. After work last night I never turned on the TV. I put on music, worked out, cleaned up, did some laundry and relaxed for a few before deciding to brave the snow and go play guitar. I mean, I did all of this in about an hour and a half. It's just small things like that that made my life so dull before. I just got home, landed on the couch and I was done. I felt bland and useless. I can't figure why it took this much of a punch to the gut to snap me out of that coma. Hopefully, even if I don't ever get her back, this new take on life will help me be a happier person in the long run. I don't want to ever make this mistake again.
asnath Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 i am so sorry about what happened to you, please do your self a favour stop being in denial "it does not work thing its rubbish" this woman is so smart she knows how to cover her tracks and at the same time she knows you dont deserve this its killing her but who ever is exciting her blinded her, dude your woman got someone very interesting, she does not feel you the way she used to, stop been naive, wake up and smell the coffee. time will heal good luck
Author J80 Posted December 8, 2006 Author Posted December 8, 2006 Well, that hurt. But you're probably right. I don't know about another guy one way or the other. I know what she told me, but yeah that could be a lie. I guess it's best to just assume she has or will soon have another guy and get over it.
notmakingsense Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 Is all her stuff out of the house yet? I hope so -- dealing with the pain is bad enough, but still having to talk to her and feel the emotion of her coming and getting her things is worse. If not -- if she has any more sh*t hanging on walls, clothes, whatever -- PACK IT UP and tell her that she needs to pick it up pronto. And get that key of hers back! Also, you aren't going to be accepting rent money from her, are you? Baaaaad idea. Do you really want to see a check in the mail once a month from an ex you are still hurting over -- and worse feeling like you need her help? I don't think so. Move to another place if you have to. I'm being rough, but I'm trying to push you out of the sad phase and into the anger phase. The phase that forces you to get it together for the next chapter of your life where you are at the top of your game with your health, your career, your social life, and then... when that's covered, your next love affair -- who will be the hottest, smartest, and most loving woman yet!
scrybe74 Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 Well, that hurt. But you're probably right. I don't know about another guy one way or the other. I know what she told me, but yeah that could be a lie. I guess it's best to just assume she has or will soon have another guy and get over it. I know this is hard for you to hear but she's exhibiting the classic signs of having or at least being interested in someone else be they female or male. The others are right in that she was probably feeling dissatisfied for some time now and it took someone or something to happen for her to decide to leave you. She started to do it in a half-ass way too. I'm willing to bet money that on the night she called that she was staying out late and ended up coming home the next night that it was a guy she found and was interested in. Think about it. She's out havig fun with friends. Guys are there. She's okay about that no problem. She meets a guy or two that she really clicks with and starts getting those flutters in her stomach when you meet a new person. She's conflicted inside. Why is she feeling this way when she loves you and lives with you? She stuffs her feelings away and tries to ignore them. She goes home to you and hopes that seeing you will remind her why she fell in love with you. There you are laying on the couch scratching your ass as usual. She looks at you and remembers the dashing, flirtatious, intelligent outgoiong young guy she met at the party and begins to imagine a life filled with adventures again. She looks over at you and you're still scratching your ass. Now your picking lint out of your belly button. She decides to stick it out with you because it doesn't make sense to throw a 5 year relationship away just because some guy flirted with her. Time goes on and she can't get it out of her mind. She likes going out with friends, she likes flirting, she wants to date other guys, she feels like she's settled, she loves you but.....but she's feeling unfulfilled. She ends up spending the night with friends or with a man. She probably didn't cheat on you but she really wanted to. That's why she called you the next morning and ended it. She couldn't go on any longer wanting to be with someone else and still love you so she walked away. What was wrong with all this was that she should have sat you down and talked to you BEFORE she jumped ship and gave a chance to try and work things out. It was a chicken **** way to do things to just leave you hanging without a clue. UNLESS she gave you clues and you're just too dense to figure it out which is a possibility. UNSOLICITED ADVICE: Look at your side of the fence and figure out what if anything you don't like about yourself or your part in the situation and work to change it from the inside out. If you don't have a problem with yourself then fine....meet a woman who likes your slower pace of life. I don't think you did anything wrong personally. You're just being yourself. She sounds like she's going through a quarter-life crisis or something. Find your happiness outside of her and prepare yourself to move on. If...IF...you ever get together you have to remember that SHE'S the one who left and violated your trust. Not you. She's the one who has to do work as well. Don't leave the door open like a chump. Don't be a chump man. She'll never respect you. You'll never get what you want. What you want is love, respect, loyalty, kindness, generosity and a place to feel safe. You can't have that with her ifyou let her walk back in to your life the way she walked out....with you as athe door mat to clean her feet on.
notmakingsense Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 Look at your side of the fence and figure out what if anything you don't like about yourself or your part in the situation and work to change it from the inside out. If you don't have a problem with yourself then fine....meet a woman who likes your slower pace of life. I don't think you did anything wrong personally. You're just being yourself. She sounds like she's going through a quarter-life crisis or something. Find your happiness outside of her and prepare yourself to move on. If...IF...you ever get together you have to remember that SHE'S the one who left and violated your trust. Not you. She's the one who has to do work as well. Don't leave the door open like a chump. Don't be a chump man. She'll never respect you. You'll never get what you want. What you want is love, respect, loyalty, kindness, generosity and a place to feel safe. You can't have that with her ifyou let her walk back in to your life the way she walked out....with you as athe door mat to clean her feet on. Yeah -- what Scrybe said.... Turn this situation around by not being a door-mat. Get her sh*t out of the house, move, and quit talking to her. Get busy and active so you don't get sucked in to dwelling over the past or what dude she may be banging now. Instead, focus on getting your act together... So the next time she sees you, you'll be so successful that her jaw will drop, and the hottie on your arm will give you a funny look that says "what the hell did you see in her anyway?"
Author J80 Posted December 8, 2006 Author Posted December 8, 2006 I know you guys are right. I really do. It's killing me though. I can't even grasp the feeling inside me right now. I need the rent money and have lease to finish. I'm so ****ing scared and sick.
notmakingsense Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 I hear you -- these are very troubling times for you, and you are probably also very depressed (anxiety, loss of appetite, emotional, sleeping problems). You may want to see a Dr. for something to get you over this stretch. You WILL get through it though. So many people here have experienced what you are going through and have come out to the other side -- myself included. How easy would it be for you to find another roommate? It really is a bummer that you would have to continue accepting money from her. This will only serve to make you feel low for a longer amount of time.
silentalways Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 a funny thing happened today. for the first time in over two years i felt like my old self again. u know that sort feeling u get when u feel good about yerself and things. man, that was nice. i should have taken these new fangled anti-d's months and months ago
Author J80 Posted December 8, 2006 Author Posted December 8, 2006 I totally hear you about the money thing. I mean, she SHOULD have to pay considering this is all her choice. A new roomate would be hard to do for me. I'm just so used to having my home be MY place, or OUR place. The lease is only a few more months...I'll look for a new place around that time. I have good and bad times every day. I'll figure it out. I know that I want to change myself in a number of ways. I do not like being boring and dull...I just don't. I just need to motivate myself into getting used to a new lifestyle is all.
asnath Posted December 18, 2006 Posted December 18, 2006 you have the right to feel what you are feeling.............but its taking long now, dude............. you have got your health to look after at least try and concentrate on your health, i am afraid with the way you are going you will soon die......take care, you owe it to yourself not some woman you are are not even sure of.
BlueEyedSarah Posted December 18, 2006 Posted December 18, 2006 I've read the thread and feel like an insensitive jerk for mentioning this, but do you like video games? When I separated from my wife, I was unemployed, so I went from one life to absolutely nothing. No job and no energy to do anything. My solution? I spent 3 months playing Neverwinter Nights On-line for like 15 hours a day (ok, I looked for a job too). I mean, I dealt with the emotional roller-coaster that ensued being separated. I cried, but fortunately I was able to still see her for who she was and was able to be resolute in my desire to have a life without her, so we differ there. But I seriously found the video game distraction to be a sort of "railing" in my recovery and adaptation to a new and empty life. I have to say I agree with this also. I love to play video games! I find myself addicted to Fear Multiplayer at the moment . Playing games distract your mind, it really helps to be joking around with people online who play online with you and to try beat your score to get a higher one etc. But don't sit there and play games the rest of your life, its not good, best to go out and meet people, join a gym, join a club, that way you meet people with similar intrests as yourself. Invite friends round, take friends to a movie, hang with a work mate after work, join toastmasters even... Plenty to do!
Rob In NC Posted December 18, 2006 Posted December 18, 2006 I swear, relationships today are nothing but trouble. I think marriage has become a joke. Now I'm thinking the same about serious relationships. It's probably just a better idea for a man to avoid it all and save his cash. Then he can go to The Bunny Ranch LOL. But seriously, I may have a bad attitude because I was burned too. I was burned bad. I just don't know how I can ever hear another girl tell me she loves me and really believe it. I think my trust has been utterly destroyed. My advice to you is do something like working out. If you don't feel comfortable joining a gym right now, get you some home exercise equipment. Don't sit around and do nothing. If you do, you may easily pack on some pounds or develop some bad habits. Then I would watch movies for men, movies that have a character who is a gun blazing loner. Another movie "The Count of Monte Cristo" that stars Jim Caviezel is a personal favorite of mine in dark and lonely times. So is "The Shawshank Redemption". I also like to watch some old school Arnold Schwarzenegger movies to lift my spirit. "First Blood" and other Rambo flicks with Stallone are cool too. Clint Eastwood has a collection of good flicks also.
Author J80 Posted December 27, 2006 Author Posted December 27, 2006 Hey, I'm still alive! I had some friends in town for a week and that helped me out a lot. I haven't talked to her other than when she called me the other day to ask something, but it was quick. I went to a party with the friends that were in town, met a girl who stayed at my place that night She lives in Georgia though. I have a female friend who has been hanging out at my place. She's engaged, but has odd hours so she stops by from time to time to see me. It's been nice to have someone to just be around, instead of spending all of my time thinking. I won't lie. I want this girl back. I may never get her back, but the more I calm down and stop thinking in panic mode, the more I realize that I just love her and want her in my life. I'll be OK on my own. I'm sure another girl will come along eventually, but that's not really what I WANT. I want HER. But I guess life won't wait in the meantime. I just still cry when I think about her, but it's more of a "I miss this and that" thing than a "Oh my god I'm alone and scared" thing. Yeah, reltionships certainly do suck when they end. But I did have 5 1/2 years of happy to lead up to it. Random sex is fun and all...but I liked being in love.
notmakingsense Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 Ah.... the first sign of the light at the end of the tunnel. I'll bet that the more time you spend apart from her and more with your friends new girls, we'll be seeing a post from you in a few months talking about how much less you even think about it!
Author J80 Posted December 27, 2006 Author Posted December 27, 2006 I hope you're right about that. I was very good for the last week. Having people over all the time certainly helped, but when they left I got a very lonely feeling. The place was just empty again. I need, very much, to meet new people. I have friends, but most of them are engaged and whatnot. Weekends are normally OK, but during the week it's hard to find stuff to do. I guess video games work, but I can only do that for an hour or so before I get antsy. Bleh, I'm just feeling down about my friends leaving now. And the girl from Georgia isn't able to get away from family again before she leaves. She made me feel MUCH better
hdspce Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 I've just been reading your posts and so much of what you have said has really touched a nerve with me. I split with my girlfriend of 3 years on New Years Eve and feel nothing short of completely devistated. We had already been living together for over two years and have just relocated to a new apartment. It is only been a few weeks since the move and just as I thought everything was starting to improve in our lives, this suddenly happened. I so sympathise with your own troubles with being at home alone. I have spent the last few nights with parents and decided to come back to the flat this afternoon - it just seemed that running away from the situation only made things seem even more impossible to deal with. However, it is so hard as, although we had only been here a few weeks, already everything reminds me of her. It takes this level of emotion to realise how normally mundane objects hold so many connections with your relationship especially when you have felt so comfortable with living with each other for so long. I went wandering around the city for a while today and felt a bit better for a while, but as soon as I got home, I just broke down. It is so hard to be in a place that seems to represent a relationship that no longer exists. In fact, as I write this there is a photo album at the other end of my desk which belongs to her and I know is full of beautiful pictures of her - I haven't even started trying to pack any of her stuff away, but I know I'm going to have to face it tonight as this will be my first night back in the bedroom which at the moment still has her clothes, shoes, etc everywhere. What makes it even worse is that I work from home so I feel that the emotion will be relentless for quite a while. This break up was so sudden and I am finding it so hard to deal with but already this forum has helped so much. This morning my instincts were screaming out to me to write a letter or an email telling her how much I love her and that I would do anything to remain part of her life wherever she goes but I realise now that that would probably be a bad idea and would only worsen both of our grieving. But the fact that there was never a clear goodbye just makes me want to tell her how happy she has made me feel for the last three years and that I will always love and support her - it just seems so senseless to be so intimate with someone only for it to be gone forever in a moment. The hardest thing is trying to accept that this is the person that knows the most about you, is the one you love and respect the most and now you may never see them again. The morning of New Years Eve we were as close as ever, and by the afternoon she was gone. After meeting for a proper talk yesterday, she couldn't even sit next to me. I don't know how to even start getting over that. I would like to say how much I respect everyone's input on this forum. This is by far the hardest time of my life and I already feel a little comfort knowing that I am not alone. With that, my heart goes out to everyone else in a similar position and hopefully together we can recover.
timo Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 look man its time just that will take its time so this time you have to be busy play sports gym do wutever makes you busy an dsont think about her and dont talk to her if you did may she will feel that you are a kid havent to do anything except her no you have your life and love is not ots base and she is not its soul go ahead think about good times ok may you will miss the relationship itself but not her its time buisness goodluch timo
timo Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 look man its time just that will take its time so this time you have to be busy play sports gym do wutever makes you busy butnt think about her and dont talk to her if you did may she will feel that you are a kid havent to do anything except her no you have your life and love is not itsbase and she is not its soul go ahead think about good times ok may you will miss the relationship itself but not her its time buisness goodluck timo
resi71 Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 my girl is same way,just when she was so behind with school and had online exam in sunday she just o e moment got so mad at me and break up with me,first 3 weeks i tryed everything to get her back.now is month iver i start heel a little and wait for miracle she will be back.first time we broak up took 2 weeks when she contact with me.i will wait now all january what happend.
Rooster_DAR Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 I swear, relationships today are nothing but trouble. I think marriage has become a joke. Now I'm thinking the same about serious relationships. It's probably just a better idea for a man to avoid it all and save his cash. Then he can go to The Bunny Ranch LOL. But seriously, I may have a bad attitude because I was burned too. I was burned bad. I just don't know how I can ever hear another girl tell me she loves me and really believe it. I think my trust has been utterly destroyed. I could not agree more, relationships are very hard to maintain these days and more pain than they are worth. As of now I'm opting for just dating and not getting into any serious relationships, and if I do change my mind, I am going to use my brain instead of my heart next round. Cheers!
Recommended Posts