Well I'm a mess

[J80]

You all have been so nice, I hate feeling like I'm just whining though.

 

I just talked with a friend that I work with who's single. I hadn't told him about this yet, but he said he'd be more than happy to go out sometime. He goes to a lot of bars, I've never been a big bar guy...but maybe it's what I need.

 

I just keep thinking that I'll wake up and she'll be there sleeping soundly next to me. It's like I'm just waiting to finally sigh in relief, but it's just not coming. This all seems like a terrible mistake.

 

We had planned on going to Florida in a few weeks to see her mom get re-married. I was so excited about that, and so was she. We were going to go to the beach and kick around, just have some much needed relaxing fun. I can't imagine why she felt like now was the best time for this. I guess you have to go with your feelings...I guess...

 

She told me just the other day that she couldn't imagine being with anyone else.

 

A few months ago our friend was up from Georgia and she was telling him all about how supportive I've been of her going to school and taking care of her. She seemed so in love with me. Was I TOO nice?

 

I feel like I could trow up at just about any time. I'm seriously feeling sick to my stomach.

 

She's coming tomorrow to get the rest of her things I guess. She's bringing her friend to help her and asked if I could not be there because she isn't "ready to see me yet". She picked a day she knew I go play guitar, but I wasn't sure if I'd feel up to going. I think it's best I go.

 

I miss her so much.

[notmakingsense]

Yes -- definitely best not to see her at this point. I know you are hurting and missing her, but just keep reminding yourself that it will be best for your healing, as well as any potential reconciliation, for you to keep up no-contact.

 

While it is a nice gesture for her to keep up the rent, I'd make plans to move our yourself and get a new place that you can afford on your own. You don't want all those old memories anyway.

 

Definitely go out with your work friend. Friendships and distracting activities are key right now. Force yourself even if you don't feel like it. Don't knock the Gym idea either -- buffing up and looking good are real ego boosters, as well as a place to meet other people. Also, you mention playing guitar -- surely this is an avenue for activities, is it not? Plus, I may be out-dated, but don't chicks love guys who play guitar?

[J80]

I'm feeling a little better at this moment. Mainly because I've been doing something other than thinking. I'm thinking about things I can do to make myself happy and less prone to sit around and dwell.

 

I play guitar once a week with my friends, it's nothing major...but it's something. I'm hoping that chicks dig it

 

I'm going to start working out. I have a little mini-gym at my apartment complex, not many friends to meet...but a place to start. I'm going to buy a little workout thing for home as well, so I have something to relieve stress while I'm not doing anything.

 

I do computer work for a living, and I'm thinking about learning a new language. Programming language that is, might as well make something of myself while I'm bored.

 

I'll go out with friends for sure...I really need to get some confidence back. My cousin said he was free if I wanted to hang out tonight, so I'll probably do that.

 

This is a moment of clarity...I hope it lasts.

[notmakingsense]

Now you're talking!

 

I'm in software development also, so I know how much we tend to be on the introverted side of things. While learning a new programming language will help your career and is distracting, it won't do much for for your social life -- so just be cognizant that you should focus on both.

 

If you can afford it, join a Gym that gets lots of people, and gets you out of the house/complex.

 

The guitar playing thing is great! See if you can do it more often, maybe by finding another group?

 

And definitely go out with your cousin tonight! If you set yourself a goal of doing at least 1 thing a day outside of work or home, even if its just going to the grocery store, you are on the right track!

[J80]

Yeah, I know it won't help the social life at all. But I figure it's something to do in the evening when I'm just watching "our" t.v. shows hugging "our" blanket crying my eyes out.

 

Joining a gym would be cool, I don't know much about it though. I'm not well versed in different work-outs and whatnot, so I'm a little anxious about that.

 

My buddy and his fiance just bought a new house, he and I used to play guitar all the time until we both moved into apartments where we don't want to offend the neighbors. So hopefully we can get back into that.

 

I'll go out tonight, even if it's just hanging out with him and his wife in front of the TV, it's better than being home alone. I need to clean the apartment this evening though, she's coming back to get her things tomorrow night and I don't want her to see how much of a wrech I've been. I figure if she walks into a nice clean apartment, she'll won't think I've just been a zombie all week.

 

I'm feeling a little better about MYSELF right now. I like that I'm coming up with ideas to make my life better without needing her input. I know I have a long way to go, and I'm surely not through crying over it. But at least I'm making progress.

[J80]

Well OK! I just got home from work, did some dishes picked up some ****. Collected a bunch of her **** and put it by the door for her when she comes. I'm feeling good for once. I'm going to have dinner with my cousin and his wife at their place. I just talked to one of the guys I play with, told him about it so it won't be a big thing when we get together.

 

Right now I'm just burying it in my mind. Trying to look at the best possible outcomes. Maybe I'll get some insight and start writing good songs now. Maybe I'll take all of my free time to make myself look and feel better, and maybe even add some lines to the resume.

 

I know my heart still hurts a lot. I found a towel she used in her chair and just hugged it for about 5 minutes. I didn't cry though...but I feel like I could break at any minute.

 

At least for a good part of today I managed to free myself from the pain a little. I still can't believe she's gone, and I'm still feeling a lot of anxiety...but it felt good to talk to some people and start feeling like my own person again.

 

It takes 30 days to form a habit, I just need to get into the habit of sleeping alone and doing all that crap alone. It'll work out. It's just still hard to stop and think about it. I just need to not stop.

[Rooster_DAR]

Well OK! I just got home from work, did some dishes picked up some ****. Collected a bunch of her **** and put it by the door for her when she comes. I'm feeling good for once. I'm going to have dinner with my cousin and his wife at their place. I just talked to one of the guys I play with, told him about it so it won't be a big thing when we get together.

 

Right now I'm just burying it in my mind. Trying to look at the best possible outcomes. Maybe I'll get some insight and start writing good songs now. Maybe I'll take all of my free time to make myself look and feel better, and maybe even add some lines to the resume.

 

I know my heart still hurts a lot. I found a towel she used in her chair and just hugged it for about 5 minutes. I didn't cry though...but I feel like I could break at any minute.

 

At least for a good part of today I managed to free myself from the pain a little. I still can't believe she's gone, and I'm still feeling a lot of anxiety...but it felt good to talk to some people and start feeling like my own person again.

 

It takes 30 days to form a habit, I just need to get into the habit of sleeping alone and doing all that crap alone. It'll work out. It's just still hard to stop and think about it. I just need to not stop.

 

You are on the right track, just keep trucking away. There are going to be lot's of triggers, and it's okay to live the moment and be sad or cry. When you get to the point where after you have your moments you can say, I'm okay or I'll be fine then you will start making progress. Walk into your bathroom and look in the mirror and say things like "I'm a great person" or "I can handle anything" and trust me, it works. It is known scientific evidence that the practice of being positive about yourself works in your favor even if you don't feel like it at the moment.

 

When you start getting your strength back, you will be able to look back and say things like "What the **ll was I thinking". Hang in there dude.

 

Cheers!

[notmakingsense]

Way to go J!

 

Isn't it true that some of the best songs are written during the artists' most emotional times? Ya never know, you may produce a big hit out of this. Well, at least some sad blues rif would be in order?

 

Enjoy dinner with your cousin&wife -- getting out there and talking to other people really helps

[J80]

Well sheet. Hanging out with them just turned into a big "What happened" fest. His wife was close with my girlfriend and they drank together and talked a lot. She told me that my girl told her that she wanted a commitment from me this past Halloween. Now, we've talked about getting married, and she knows I want to...I'm just too broke for a ring now. I was thinking of just saying F-it and dropping to knee on the beach at night in Florida. She said she didn't need a ring. BUT!!! She told me on the phone this weekend that she was afraid of us getting married and being unhappy...so maybe she's changed her mind.

 

I don't really know what to do. I want very bad to be with her forever, but not if she doesn't feel the same anymore. I don't want to contact her to tell her that I had planned on popping the question...that'll just REEK of desperation. But how do I let her know my feelings without doing that? I feel like she kept a lot from me that maybe she was afraid to tell me, and I want to tell her that it's OK to tell me these things. I don't ever want her to be afraid of telling me something.

 

Well, I still feel a LITTLE better. Better than the last few days. This place has been a huge help. I just have to get back in the right frame of mind. When I heard that she wanted a commitment it just dropped me like a kick to the nuts. I really want to commit to her, but now's not the time I guess.

[notmakingsense]

That's a tough one. I think it would be a stretch to say that lack of your commitment is the reason she broke up with you. It sounds to me like there is a lot more to it. There is more to this breakup story. Why would she tell you that she is afraid of marriage if that's what she wanted? Plus, like you said, she knows why you didn't officially pop the question. Finally, you were together for 5 years. Was your communicatation THAT bad over the commitment issue?

 

Your ex-gf already knows you love her and want her. Is bringing up the whole "this is why I didn't pop the question" conversation going to make a meaningful difference? If you REALLY think so, stick with the no contact, but hint to your cousin's wife that she can pass along the fact that commitment is not your issue, its about the financing. But, please, be honest with yourself about this -- no sense digging this all up if you really are skittish about the M word.

 

By the way, you can simply get a promise ring (lots cheaper) and set an engagement date out in the future.

[J80]

Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's not the issue. I just feel bad that it was bothering her, she didn't really let on. We talked about it a lot actually, and I know she wanted to get engaged...and she knew why I was waiting. Thing is, she seemed like the proposal was what she wanted...not a ring. She didn't even want a diamond ring...just some pretty ring that she really liked. I just didn't want to put it on credit as we have enough of that as is. I shouldn't have let a stupid ring stand between me and what I really wanted.

 

I think this just gave me something more to be upset over...which sucks. I was doing so well this afternoon...now I'm just sick again.

[notmakingsense]

Just keep reminding yourself that marriage was not the issue. Its more about timing at this point. She needs time to figure out what she really wants, and you need time to re-create your sense of individuality and self-purpose outside of a relationship.

 

Your destinies may converge again in the future, but that should happen as a brand new relationshiip. Say goodbye to the old relationship. You will be a better person, and she will better understand just how great you really are.

[chicsurfs]

Well Ok. She told me flat out that it wasn't another guy, maybe she's lying...but I doubt it. She's never been one to lie to me, and she's really bad at it when she does.

 

Now, we've had these problems for a while. We've discussed it before. We've had fights but we'd always work it out and be OK for a while. I just wasn't doing my part to fix what we fought about. She really did try though. She didn't WANT to do this over the phone. I made her, I had an uneasy feeling about things and she told me 10 times "I don't want to have this talk over the phone", but I was a twit and just wouldn't let it go. So she told me and I fell apart.

 

I know she wasn't as kind as she could have been, but I wasn't an angel either here.

 

I see you've made some progress good for you now if you can just

go back to the part about how she feels different now...

 

and why your talking about marriage =/

 

don't be so CLINGY

[J80]

I know I know! I should not be thinking this way.

 

I need to be concerned about ME and let her go for now. It's just ver hard.

 

I just woke up at about 4am and couldn't sleep again. I ate a hotdog at my cousin's...but even that was hard to force myself to eat.

 

I just want the pain to go away. I just want the feeling to go away. I just don't know how to do it.

[D-Lish]

You're going to get through it. If nothing else you can take solace from this forum that others have experienced the same heartache and are managing the pain. It doesn't happen overnight.

 

I couldn't eat or sleep the first couple weeks, but I settled after a time.

I actually lost 10 lbs following the break up~ the anxiety was pretty hard to deal with initially.

 

Your mind is just racing right now, I know that feeling and I hate it!

Keep talking about it and getting your feelings out. It's good you're not bottling things up... dealing with a break up by ignoring the pain will only keep you stuck. Allowing yourself to feel the pain will expediate the healing process.

 

You're going to be okay. One day at a time, one step at a time.

D

[J80]

I wrote her to let her know that I might not be going out tonight because we're getting a lot of snow and my tires are really bald and I really don't need to wreck the car. She said she didn't know when she was coming over since her friend was busy until late and she needs to get a dresser. A DRESSER! I mean...she's really leaving!

 

I'm having a really bad day right now. I can go to my friend's place to watch football tonight so I'll have something to do while she's there erasing her existance from my home. I know in the end this will be a good thing, but it's so hard to deal with. I don't want her to be gone...I just want her back. I want to fix everything and just be happy again.

 

I know that beign alone is only way that I'm ever going to find myself in all of this. I think she's thinking the same thing...she's been wanting to "find herself" for a while now. She has talked in the past about taking a break from "us" and living with a friend to try to do just that...but she always backs out.

 

I don't know if this is her way of figuring things out..I guess it probably is. I just hate that I have to deal with this pain while she seems so calm.

 

When we talked she was just so calm and collected. She said it was because she's been surrounded by people since we split and hasn't really had time to be alone and let it hit her. Either way it's disturbing that she doesn't seem to be hurting like I am. Maybe because she's been thinking about it for a while...I really don't know.

 

I'm freezing cold, perhaps from not eating...not sure. I just can't stop shaking and burning and thinking. I'm a nervous wreck, just constant fidgeting.

 

I really want to believe that this is something that will work out for me in positive way...regardless of what happens with her. It's just hard to believe that right now.

[notmakingsense]

I wrote her to let her know that I might not be going out tonight because we're getting a lot of snow and my tires are really bald and I really don't need to wreck the car. She said she didn't know when she was coming over since her friend was busy until late and she needs to get a dresser. A DRESSER! I mean...she's really leaving!

 

This is why NO CONTACT is so important. You are giving her too much information (tires bald = can't afford new ones), and she is giving you information that hurts you (dresser). I realize you have to arrange a time for her to be there to pick up her stuff, but keep the information exchange to a minimum.

 

I'm having a really bad day right now. I can go to my friend's place to watch football tonight so I'll have something to do while she's there erasing her existance from my home. I know in the end this will be a good thing, but it's so hard to deal with. I don't want her to be gone...I just want her back. I want to fix everything and just be happy again.

 

I know that beign alone is only way that I'm ever going to find myself in all of this. I think she's thinking the same thing...she's been wanting to "find herself" for a while now. She has talked in the past about taking a break from "us" and living with a friend to try to do just that...but she always backs out.

 

You don't need to be *alone* to find yourself, but you do need to stay away from serious relationships. I feel that having fun and non-serious dating is a good thing if you have the discipline to not fall back on needy or co-dependant habits.

 

I don't know if this is her way of figuring things out..I guess it probably is. I just hate that I have to deal with this pain while she seems so calm.

 

When we talked she was just so calm and collected. She said it was because she's been surrounded by people since we split and hasn't really had time to be alone and let it hit her. Either way it's disturbing that she doesn't seem to be hurting like I am. Maybe because she's been thinking about it for a while...I really don't know.

 

Learn from what she is saying! Being surrounded by friends and staying busy is a good thing, and helps. Women often have better support networks than men, but work at that. Also, don't make yourself feel worse by continuing to contact her and hear her in her calm and collected state. Also, never, ever let on to the fact that you are hurting to her -- this will make you feel even worse and inferior to her -- that's the last thing you need right now.

 

I'm freezing cold, perhaps from not eating...not sure. I just can't stop shaking and burning and thinking. I'm a nervous wreck, just constant fidgeting.

 

I really want to believe that this is something that will work out for me in positive way...regardless of what happens with her. It's just hard to believe that right now.

 

Go work out and work off some of that nervous energy and anxiety. Be sure to eat, but ironically, I ended up benefitting from my loss of appetite when I broke up with my exgf last time -- I lost some weight and ended up looking better! Now the challenge is to keep it off!

[J80]

Yeah, I'm trying really hard to not contact her. I haven't spoken to her since Monday when she called me. I mentioned the bald tire thing so she wouldn't think I was just staying home to see her. She knows I need new tired, they're $100 a pop...she knows my finances. I carried our relationship, money-wise, and I'd hate to think that money would be a reason for her leaving.

 

I've only let her hear my cry once the day this happened. Since then I've tried to at least be calm and not like I'm breaking down...but it's very hard and she KNOWS how I feel. She knows how important she is to me, and she knows that this is hurting me. If I see her, I'm going to make every effort to be as upbeat as I can. I hope I don't see her.

 

Yeah, I'm already seeing some weight loss...not a lot, but enough to concern me. I don't want to lose a lot of weight from being unhealthy. I want to trim up, but not from starving myself...I'll never keep that up.

[J80]

Hmm. It seems like I tend to feel a lot worse in the mornings. I feel a little better again. I mean, when I think of her I still get all tingly and burn inside...but it's not as bad.

 

I managed to put some ceral down...that helped.

 

I think waking up to an empty bed, and not getting to snuggle her before I leave is what's really killing me. That and I know when I get home tonight the place will be ever more empy and more void of her influence. It will help in the long run, but it feels so final.

[notmakingsense]

Mornings were the worst for me also. Don't know why. Whenever you feel yourself starting to think about her, just try to do something or think of something to distract you. It will get easier over time -- I promise.

[J80]

Good lord, she just called me. She might not be coming down tonight to get things. She's going out with some people from her old job tomorrow so she might stop in then. I tried very hard to sound happy and upbeat. It wasn't a long conversation or anything.

 

I can't believe how much I miss her.

[notmakingsense]

Quit answering the phone right away! Let it go to voice mail! You are busy and occupied, right?

[notmakingsense]

And I just thought of something -- does she have a friend /family member in town that you can just drop her stuff off with? This whole back-and-forth about when she is going to stop by and how you are going to act must be killing you! Just figure some other sort of arrangement out.

[J80]

She doesn't have any friends that she's really close with around here. I'm not entirely sure what she wants anyway, I can't imagine she'll have room wherever she's staying to keep everything. I'd rather just be away when she's here and not have to think too much about what she's taking.

 

I told her that I'd be "out" tonight if she decided to come by and get some things.

[J80]

Well she came last night and got some things by herself it would seem. I was out, but there she had been there. She took some things off the walls and some clothes. It seems like I just can't get this out of my head. Every time I think I feel better, I get down again.