skimmy Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 Hi everyone, The man I love is separated from his wife and has two little children. Are there any resources out there that can help me understand what he's going through? I want to be there for him, and I want to know how to help him however I can. We're pretty serious, and I know the road ahead will be difficult, but he's worth it.
oyster Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 Hi everyone, The man I love is separated from his wife and has two little children. Are there any resources out there that can help me understand what he's going through? I want to be there for him, and I want to know how to help him however I can. We're pretty serious, and I know the road ahead will be difficult, but he's worth it. just make sure he gets divorced, seperation does not mean much.
dgiirl Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 just make sure he gets divorced, seperation does not mean much. Unfortunately, in some places, it does take a while for people to get officially divorced. I live in the same province as you oyster, and it's ALMOST 2 years, and I think the decision finally became final like this month. I'm still waiting for my certificate in the mail. The courts take forever, and this was a case where my ex and i agreed pretty easily on everything and had all the paper work done right away. But in Canada, it takes a year before you can even file the papers with the court, and now it's taken 10 months for them to finally accept everything. Rather than making sure he's divorced, i'd pay attention to how long they've been separated and what are the reasons they're still separated. In my case, I cant really speed up the courts.
oyster Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 Unfortunately, in some places, it does take a while for people to get officially divorced. I live in the same province as you oyster, and it's ALMOST 2 years, and I think the decision finally became final like this month. I'm still waiting for my certificate in the mail. The courts take forever, and this was a case where my ex and i agreed pretty easily on everything and had all the paper work done right away. But in Canada, it takes a year before you can even file the papers with the court, and now it's taken 10 months for them to finally accept everything. Rather than making sure he's divorced, i'd pay attention to how long they've been separated and what are the reasons they're still separated. In my case, I cant really speed up the courts. besides the legal view, make sure no more feeling left, that the spouse has let go. just make sure he is emotionally available and mentally to. people tend to hang on. I met a woman who was not legally seperated (live 1 year seperate life), they talk about divorce and consulted lawyers. He can't let go and begging for her to give him a second chance. What a waste of time. Back and forth triangle.
Author skimmy Posted December 5, 2006 Author Posted December 5, 2006 What I'm actually asking for is if anyone knows any books/articles/websites that deal with dating a divorcee, what to expect, how I can support him, what issues may come up, how do other people deal with it, etc. I'm not sure I want to tell details about his life right now.
josy Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 What I'm actually asking for is if anyone knows any books/articles/websites that deal with dating a divorcee, what to expect, how I can support him, what issues may come up, how do other people deal with it, etc. I'm not sure I want to tell details about his life right now. I might be helpful, as I am divorced for just a little over a year, and I have two children, albeit not so little (6.5 and 12), but still, two. Whoever said "wait till he is divorced; separation means nothing" has an important point. It isn't over until the papers are signed. You may feel those wonderful loving+supporting+protecting feelings towards him, that make you think you want to be there on his side while he gets divorced. Well, that might wind you up getting into a whole lot of trouble. The tension and hard feelings all surface up the closer they get to signing the papers. They might behave in a very civilized manner on one hand, or they might let agression all out at once on the other, but in any case it is a very emotionally draining process to go through, especially with children, especially with little children, who can make you cry with their questions, and their ever-so-naive attempts to hold them together. I know you can't give advice to people who are in love, for the simple reason that they anyway will follow their hearts. However, you should be aware of the many possibilities here. Talk a lot to people who have gone through similar stuff - that's my best advice. May love guard you from within.
smot0011 Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 A book that I found to be very helpful is called 'Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends'. I went through a divorce earlier this year and though this book is more for some going through the process, it will give you a perspective of what your guy is going through.
Krytellan Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 I am also in a similar situation. I am going through a divorce but am also in a serious relationship. My divorce is one month from being final and we have not come to a poperty settlement yet. However, I moved 2500 miles away from my ex so I think my girlfriend feels good about that, and the fact that divorce was filed before we met. Anyway, if you have specific questions, I might be able to help.
Author skimmy Posted December 6, 2006 Author Posted December 6, 2006 Krytellan, is there a way I can private message you? I don't want to put details of my man's life here.
Gala Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 Skimmy - I recommend How to Survive Your Boyfriend's Divorce. True to the title, it presents the perspective of the Girlfriend -- while also discussing the trials and tribulations of divorce. The author repeatedly points out that at any point in the relationship you have 3 options - 1) continue, 2) slow down/take a break, or 3) walk away. Good luck - G
Art_Critic Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 Whoever said "wait till he is divorced; separation means nothing" has an important point. It isn't over until the papers are signed. You may feel those wonderful loving+supporting+protecting feelings towards him, that make you think you want to be there on his side while he gets divorced. Well, that might wind you up getting into a whole lot of trouble. The tension and hard feelings all surface up the closer they get to signing the papers. They might behave in a very civilized manner on one hand, or they might let agression all out at once on the other, but in any case it is a very emotionally draining process to go through, especially with children, especially with little children, who can make you cry with their questions, and their ever-so-naive attempts to hold them together. I think this is a great post.. and very true.. It took me 6-12 months to be dateable after my divorce.. Sure I could date and have sex with women.. but emotionally I was wiped.. and I divorced her.. I think it has more to do with the experience of going thru something life changing.. you have to figure out who you are all over again and also put together a new life without a marriage partner in the picture
distant__nebulae Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 I think this is a great post.. and very true.. It took me 6-12 months to be dateable after my divorce.. Sure I could date and have sex with women.. but emotionally I was wiped.. and I divorced her.. I think it has more to do with the experience of going thru something life changing.. you have to figure out who you are all over again and also put together a new life without a marriage partner in the picture This has my vote too, as I speak from experience. I will NEVER date a separated woman again. Bottom line, suck it up - be single for a few months (I know that must be difficult for you) and find a man who does not have that drama. There are many, many successful, attractive and single men out there who you would never date.
SmoochieFace Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 I think this is a great post.. and very true.. It took me 6-12 months to be dateable after my divorce.. Sure I could date and have sex with women.. but emotionally I was wiped.. and I divorced her.. I think it has more to do with the experience of going thru something life changing.. you have to figure out who you are all over again and also put together a new life without a marriage partner in the picture Once again, there is no set 'rule' on this. Each person is different and their timetables are different. Some people bounce back quicker than others. Nothing inherently 'good' or 'bad' about it... that's just the way it is.
Author skimmy Posted December 6, 2006 Author Posted December 6, 2006 Skimmy - I recommend How to Survive Your Boyfriend's Divorce. True to the title, it presents the perspective of the Girlfriend -- while also discussing the trials and tribulations of divorce. The author repeatedly points out that at any point in the relationship you have 3 options - 1) continue, 2) slow down/take a break, or 3) walk away. Good luck - G Thanks! that's exactly the kind of thing I'm looking for.
Author skimmy Posted December 6, 2006 Author Posted December 6, 2006 This has my vote too, as I speak from experience. I will NEVER date a separated woman again. Bottom line, suck it up - be single for a few months (I know that must be difficult for you) and find a man who does not have that drama. There are many, many successful, attractive and single men out there who you would never date. That's the easy way out. I think I want to hear about people's experience taking the road less traveled. BTW, a little about myself: I'm not afraid of drama, I'm not afraid of complicated situations. They only build character. I just want to know what I'm up against before I go up against it. As one woman said recently, "I don't scare easily."
Teacher's Pet Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 As one woman said recently, "I don't scare easily." Yeah, but you've never seen me naked. Seriously..... I don't know much about J's past, but I've spent enough time with both of you to know how much you guys care about each other. Obviously, if I knew J's situation more, I could give more concrete advice, but I know this might unpopular to say...but... ...follow your heart. You guys have something great going. Love ya. -tp jealous of J.
Art_Critic Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 That's the easy way out. I think I want to hear about people's experience taking the road less traveled. I think at one time or another someone who has dated a separated or recently divorced person was taking the road less traveled.. The problem is that the road is full of potholes.. You mention the easy way out... The people posting aren't talking about taking the easy way out.. they are saying that they tried the hard way first.. then realized it can be a hard road not worth the price.. Good Luck...and keep the faith.. that is a good positive attitude you have
Author skimmy Posted December 6, 2006 Author Posted December 6, 2006 Good Luck...and keep the faith.. that is a good positive attitude you have Thank you, that's very sweet.
Guest Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 That's the easy way out. Nope, it's the most difficult one, because it means you have to be patient and single.
distant__nebulae Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 That's the easy way out. I think I want to hear about people's experience taking the road less traveled. Nope, that would be the hard way out, because that means you would have to be patient and single. And it would be the road less traveled, as far as women are concerned. Drama queen. You deserve what you'll get, trust me.
Guest Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 Just remember he has children, so you won't be the priority in his life. He may never want to remarry or have children again.
AriaIncognito Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 I think i differ on the "you wont be a priority in his life because he has children" post. I too know these 2 personally, and he is very accomodating of both his 2 precious children, and his girlfriend. I think the approach Skimmy is taking to this is very good. She knows it won't be easy, she's looking to educate herself and keeping a positive attitude. You can't get better than her, in my opinion :-)
norajane Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 Careful you don't fall into the trap of "nursing" him back to health, only to get ripped off like a used band-aid once he's healed and ready to give his heart to someone. He may end up associating you with all the bad feelings he had to get over during his divorce, and won't want the reminder, preferring to start fresh with someone else. Meaning, be there for him if he needs you, but don't allow all your time together to be focused on his sadness, or whatever feelings he's going through. Make sure you're spending a majority of your time together doing fun, relationship development stuff, and a minority soothing him.
guin_girl Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 I have the book "How to Survive Your Boyfriend's Divorce" and have found it to be very helpful. Even though we have moved back to "friends" now, it's helping me to be a better friend to him as well.
Star Gazer Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 I will NEVER date another divorcee who is anything less than one year from the date the divorce was FINAL. Period. My ex and his ex had broken up YEARS before we started dating... then they initiated the divorce process, fought back and forth over property (there weren't even kids involved), and the day it was final he was a completely different, bitter, angry person. It's now been 2 years, and I cannot even begin to tell you how much I wish I had met him NOW rather than back then...
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