NoIDidn't Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 Its coming up and the roller coaster is off and running. I remember what was going on during this time and I am very angry. Very hurt. Just.....I don't know. I am not really looking for evaluations of my M, or to hear whether or not I should stay or go. Just want someone to talk about it with. Don't get me wrong in this, but I am not a weak person. Our M is better than it has been in while, but this thing has really thrown me for a loop. I can't stop analyzing things. I can't stop obsessing. I don't really trust him much these days. Issues from my past make restoring trust really difficult for me. I want to, but don't know how. I have so many emotions to contend with. And don't even know where to start. Thanks for listening. If I said anything at all. All the coffee I drank, I still sound incoherent.
amaysngrace Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 Just want someone to talk about it with. Have you considered speaking to your Husband about what's going on? I am not sure if you are the one who cheated or he is, but you obviously harbor negative feelings toward it all. I would suggest you go for counseling of some sort, either couples or indivual. You need to have what happened to you and the feelings you're left with heard. You can't keep them bottled up, especially if it's leaving you confused. You are absolutely right to feel the feelings you have. Don't let anybody convince you otherwise.
Romeo Must Die Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 Running to go get a cup of coffee - Romeo kept coming back and kept coming back. I never really would have truely healed if he did that to me, if he left me. You know what I'm saying, NID? I have forgiven and forgotten about alot of things over the years, but THAT I would be the one thing I know in my heart that I would never forgive him for. One of the little things that bothers me about R with FWS is his indifference towards xOW. No regrets. No feelings at all. Just absolute nothing, as though she were a stranger. One minute she is OW and the next minute nothing. He shut her out again and again and that was his actions. Love I can understand, even hate I can understand. One way or the other I could understand what it is, empathize with that emotion and deal with it, but how do you deal with indifference? This "WS" thing confuses me and the more I learn about it, the less I really understand it. Especially if you ever survived the narcissistic "fog" stage and his misplaced anger phase or his incredibly selfish prick phase, then you know my exasperations with WS/FWS. Still, it was OW that did the most damage (demonizing, manipulating, etc) because she tried to manipulate me, and my life, through my own little kids. She wrote a letter saying I abuse my kids to have them taken from me. I have other issues with this OW. I never messed with her kids. I have never been in her home. I never went through her things and her photo albums. Meanwhile I cant stand her being in my head, all the things she did after d-day, laughing at me & saying, "haha I slept with your husband last night and again after school, go ask him!" like it was some kind of sick competition to fight for my own marriage, or give up the title. During the discovery process, I learned more about OW than I knew about my best friend. Her last two serious relationships both ended soon after a domestic dispute in court. Its on the internet, she cant hide that about her past. The only thing is, I'm not laughing at all. I'm dead serious. When I see her in town (not hard to do when she plops her size fourteen ass across the seat from me at the clinic as of two weeks ago) I feel like Im dreaming and feeling like I'm free falling whenever she is too close. It is still an issue, but there is nothing I can do about it, just like in the dream of falling. If she persues MM half as aggressively as she has gone after me I can see why it happened. I can also see why she never had anybody for seventeen years. I can even see how she expected him to leave me, but that is never going to happen.
LakesideDream Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 Sounds like this OW is still dominating your life. My suggestion is to "Wall her off". Just forget about her. You have plenty on your mind right now. Take your solice from knowing she will be plopping her "size 14" ass down in front of the TV and eating a Budget Gormet, fresh from the microwave tonight.
Guest Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 Hi Everyone I could feel the pain that in your writting. my husband had a long term affair for 2 years after the birth of my second child he admits everything to me. six months past and there is not one day that i do not think about it and still feel a lot of pain. not only he cheated on me but he also broke my heart, i now feel insecure about myself, look at people and life a lot differently. i do not trust him at all and i don't believe when he said he loves me. he destroid what took us so long to build! i stay because of my 2 small children and because i don't think i will ever trust someone again. How can you live a double life like that? i'm so hurt and don't know how to deal with it!!! just venting , sorry
Romeo Must Die Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 Something that might also help cheer you up (other than girl talk) is that the WS doesnt feel loved & wanted right, we established that, but they dont feel like BS could love them after the affair. My husband said he didnt think I would ever want him back again. It was like some sort of test, but you hold the cards, NID. You always have! Anyway, got to run but as for OW dominating my life, it's more like the other way around. Otherwise, you cant help how you feel around somebody who would try to take your babies away from you after you lost a son. Much easier said than done, my friend. Certian lines you dont ever cross and messing with a ladys kids is one of them.
Author NoIDidn't Posted December 5, 2006 Author Posted December 5, 2006 I appreciate the responses. I really don't know WHAT it is that I feel. I thank the Lord that I don't have to deal with a vengeful OW. I do talk to my husband, but I am not real good about telling him EXACTLY what I feel. He shuts down if the feelings seem too intense. He is much better about it now, since we have been in MC most of this year (about twice a month). The problem is I have a tendency to catastrophize (is that a word???). When he is working late or doesn't answer his phone right away, I think the worst. I think a big part of our problems is my thought process. I have been working on it BIG TIME, but old habits die hard. For example, he left me a VM today about me trusting him, and that if I didn't he wanted to know. I assumed he wanted to know so that he could tell me a negative course of action. When I talked to him, he just told me he wanted to know where he stood so he could take action from there. It was a relief to hear that was all, but I had myself so worked up that it almost didn't get through. We discussed that we are both having a hard time getting through this time of year. My birthday comes up soon, and it too is a HUGE trigger. I don't want to bring it up most of the time because he keeps apologizing and telling me how sorry he is that he did this to me. He did a better job on D-day, when he just held me as the realization that he was cheating on me started to sink in. My emotions really are all over the place. Good thing I have a session with my therapist tonight.
outofdarkness Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 I don't know either about the double life thing...I mean how they can do it...But they do, and they get away with it...In my situation, my H has the remarkable capacity to compartmentalize better then anyone I have every known...Hope that helps..Good luck.
norajane Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 Is there any way you and your H could get away for a vacation? Since this time of year is bad, maybe if you go somewhere else, you'll create fun new memories and the bad ones will seem further away.
Author NoIDidn't Posted December 7, 2006 Author Posted December 7, 2006 Nora, We've discussed doing that, but nothing is finalized. We have an event coming up where we will likely see "her" but I am not phased. I am planning on having a good time, socializing and dancing. I am feeling much better. The counselling session helped some. It just feels like I am out of phase with everything else going on in my life right now. I am planning to make some big changes and am very apprehensive about it. I plan to create some new memories, but at a realistic pace so that I don't burn out. To everyone - I really appreciate the fact that my M and its state hasn't been brought up. I love my H and our family. And it just gets too easy to blame the M for problems that really reside within me. H is doing many of the things that I always wanted and from a place of sincerity too. And thanks for the encouraging PMs.
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