jessie james Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 [FONT=Arial][FONT=Arial]I met my wife in May 1982 and it was love at first sight. She had just turned 17 and I was 20. She was my first true love. We bought or first house in December 1984 and married in October 1985. After getting married, my wife was rarely openly affctionate, she always rejected my advances and many months would often pass between a period when she would initiate any intamate relations.[/FONT][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][FONT=Arial] [/FONT][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][FONT=Arial]We had two children, born in 1989 and 1991. In 1994, another pregnancy was aborted, as my wife agreed that we did not want only more children. We agreed never to discuss this again with anybody, including ourselves. We continued with what I thought was a happy marriage, with no apparent problems. In July 1998, at her request for an old rambling house, we moved into her dream home. A 200 year old country cottage, complete with extensive gardens and log fires in the winter. For Christmas 2003, I bought an eternity ring. However, in May 2004, her mother suddenly died and my wife withdrew into herself, containing all her grief. My wife began secretly smoking cigarettes and on Sunday 6th June 2004, my daughter confronted her. In the ensuing argument, I said asked why you are keeping this from me, what else are you hiding? [/FONT][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][FONT=Arial] [/FONT][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][FONT=Arial]When I come home from work on the Monday evening, a short note was left on the table with her wedding and engagement rings. The note read “Sorry for everything”. Nobody knew where she or the children were and I had to contact the police to find her. The police said that she and the children were safe, but requested me not to make any contact, as her father was grieving. On the Wednesday, she went to see a solicitor and a letter was received on the Friday, saying that the marriage had irretrievably broken down and I would be subsequently served court papers. My wife did all the home administration, but I later found that she had spent £8.5K on the credit card and we were overdrawn in the bank @ £1.5K. I was in a complete state of shock and started selling anything and everything I could to clear the debt. [/FONT][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][FONT=Arial] [/FONT][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][FONT=Arial]During the following week, my wife telephoned me and said that she could not live with me anymore, that I was lazy and the love and respect that she had for me was lost when I took her for the abortion. She wished that she had stood up to me and not gone through with it and I should not have left her. During the next two months, my wife and the children increasingly continued to visit home. Then she returned permanently. We agreed to work harder on our marriage and go out together as a couple at least once a week. I thought that we were reconciled and we started some long awaited major house refurbishments. For the next 27 months, I occasionally felt that I was walking on egg-shells, but that was a small consideration as I do really love her and worked very hard to make things work. I did all the home DIY, administration, gardening, cooking and she did the washing and ironing. [/FONT][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][FONT=Arial] [/FONT][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][FONT=Arial]My wife works for a major supermarket and in March 2006 she gained a promotion as a management trainee. I continued to give her all possible encouragement and support. However, this meant that she began working extremly long and irregular hours and we began to spend much less time together. I saw that this was putting a strain on our marriage and I asked her work less, but she said that she had to, because it was something that she wanted to do and to shown the managers what she was capable of. Due to the extra money from selling my boat and motorcycle, we had a good lifesytle and went on holiday to Spain in August 2004, Greece October 2005, and Spain in August 2006.[/FONT][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][FONT=Arial] [/FONT][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][FONT=Arial]However, six weeks after our last holiday, unexpectedly, my wife calmly announced that she was going to pack her case and would be separating from me, staying with her father some 18 miles away. She said that she did not love me anymore, she hates feeling guilty all the time, that she should not have come back after the last time, they all said that she was stupid to do so, but she was glad that she did as it made her realise that this was not the life that she wanted anymore. My wife said to the children that she would call home to see them whenever she could. I cried like a baby, said that I loved her and pleaded for her to stay, all to no avail. She said that there was nobody else involved, but it was something that she had to do and requested me not to make any contact with her and if I loved her, I would let her go.[/FONT][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][FONT=Arial] [/FONT][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][FONT=Arial]The following weekend, she went to London with some work colleagues, seeing a show and shopping in Harrods. She has continued to maintain daily contact with me and the children and her demineour is much better than even the months before she left. She comes to the house unannounced and whenever she likes, at all times of the day or evening. After the first week, my wife said we must stop hugging as it would make it harder for us both and said that I must not carry any false hopes, she was not coming back this time. [/FONT][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][FONT=Arial] [/FONT][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][FONT=Arial]The following Friday when we were alone in the house, she told me that she wants a divorce, but she was not in any rush and I could divorce her if she wanted. A week later, she was not wearing any rings and said again that she does not love me and it is not fair on me not to have the love and affection that I deserve and that I would be a good catch for someone. She wants me to meet someone, to have sex with them and for me to be happy. She said that she will be happy on her own and what nice person would be left for her at her age. I said you are only 41 years old, sytlish and absolutely beautyful. I said that she was sex on legs and that I will always love her. She then said that I was embarrassing her and she was getting confused.[/FONT][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][FONT=Arial] [/FONT][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][FONT=Arial]She continually says that the children are her only concern. But why then was she able to leave me, the children and two dogs? However, sometimes when she visits, the children are aften not there, but she still stays whilst cook meals for her. Then we go into the lounge with mugs of tea and sit on the sofa in front of a log fire. She then excitedly tells me all about what she is doing at work, how the stores sales revenues are up. Then she will say, I have to go now to do some more work on my portfolio. [/FONT][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][FONT=Arial] [/FONT][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][FONT=Arial]Whilst I am at work, she regualry visits home with shopping, to see the dogs and to do some of our laundry and ironing. She often works nights and visits in the evening before work and visits the next morning with croissants. When she visits, I have tried to be strong and try not be openly upset, but I am not eating or sleeping and am completely emotionally drained. I am confused by her behaviour, but I am trying to behave amicably towards her, with honesty, love and sincerity. However, my friends, family and even my Daughter say that I am letting her walk all over me and I must stand up to her. [/FONT][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][FONT=Arial] [/FONT][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][FONT=Arial]I would really appreciate any help and advise. I am trying to follow the advice posted on many forums:[/FONT][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][FONT=Arial] [/FONT][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][COLOR=black][sIZE=3]Quote:[/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=black]Michele Weiner-Davis, re: DivorceBusting[/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=black][/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=black]1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or[/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=black]implore![/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=black]2. No frequent phone calls[/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=black]3. Do not point out good points in marriage[/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=black]4. Do not follow her around the house[/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=black]5. Do not encourage talk about the future[/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=black]6. Do not ask for help from family members[/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=black]7. Do not ask for reassurances[/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=black]8. Do not buy gifts[/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=black]9. Do not schedule dates together[/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=black]10. Do not spy on spouse[/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=black]11. Do not say "I Love You"[/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=black]12. Act as if you are moving on with your life[/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=black]13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive[/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=black]14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get[/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=black]busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends,[/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=black]etc.[/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=black]15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start[/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=black]the conversation) be scarce or short on words[/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=black]16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his[/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=black]whereabouts, ASK NOTHING[/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=black]17. You need to make your partner think that you have[/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=black]had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you[/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=black]are going to move on with your life, with or without[/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=black]your spouse[/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=black]18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull[/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=black]back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more[/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=black]important, realize what she will be missing[/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=black]19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show[/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=black]your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her[/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=black]someone she would want to be around.[/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=black]20. All questions about marriage should be put on[/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=black]hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which[/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=black]may be a while)[/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=black]21. Never lose your cool[/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=black]22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic[/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=black]23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes[/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=black]their feelings stronger)[/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=black]24. Be patient[/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=black]25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying[/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=black][/sIZE][/COLOR][FONT=Arial] [/FONT][/FONT]
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