tommyk Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]I need some guidance because I have become confused over the years. I am 56 years old and in a relationship with a woman I love very deeply and it’s been over 5 years now. We were both married (troubled marriages) when we met and were friends for a year before the relationship started. Later we were both separated from our marriages and I got divorced and she remained separated. [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana][/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]We have always lived in separate houses and don’t see each other much anymore. In fact it is down to less than 8 hours a week now. She is currently going through her divorce and it is now close to an end. When we met we quickly were attracted and became very close and in love with each other. Our relationship was very intimate, not just sex, but very close intimacy in many ways. For the first time in my life I felt loved and very close to someone. She showed me what intimacy was and it was truly something I never had in a relationship before. As time has passed she has become distant from intimacy. She still says she loves me (sometimes) but the intimacy has slowly disappeared completely over the years with very little left. There really is nothing left at this point intimacy wise, just mostly phone conversations. Each day is a new day to her it seems when we talk, even though I have cried or begged for change the night before. The next day is like nothing happed the night before. Most of the boundaries of our relationship have always been set by her, and I agreed to them loving her so much. Her soon to be X husband is still a major stress factor for her as well as her children whom I also love. I still love her very deeply and have allowed this to happen over the years. I am there for her when she wants and always listen about her troubles and do all she asks of me. But if I try and talk about us I always get shut down. I end up literally begging even for a kiss and she says “no” most of the time. We still make love, but it has been about 4 times in this last year. This was never a problem in the past. But one horrible day when her husband found out about us years ago she slowly started to shut down after that. [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana][/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]When she has talked the few times, her answer is “I am not comfortable with myself right now.” I can understand this answer and try to understand, but this is going on 3 years now with this behavior. I don’t know how to fix this. If I ask or even beg by saying “Please” for contact she says I am demanding. Am I too demanding now after all these years without intimacy? [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]We still very much enjoy each others company when we are together but when I try to get close she says “no.” I have tried to leave a few times and even tried to date others. But being in love with her I end up leaving quickly and go back to her, mostly because I wanted too and I was looking for her in others which was a terrible mistake on my part and terribly unfair to the other women. [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana][/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]Am I just wrong about this relationship? She seems like she still cares some times. Should I wait it out? She still sometimes says she loves me. Should I let go even though I love her so much? Am I just surviving on my own hope?[/FONT][/COLOR]
notmakingsense Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 This post may get more responses in the divorce section, but I'll weigh in.... It sounds to me like this woman never really got a chance to be on her own. That is, she was married, then she was with you. No time in between to be single and just figure out what life is to her, on her own terms. She may feel pressured to become close again, and this in turn is causing her to shut down and put up more barriers. How did she react when you started dating others? If that didn't cause her to get emotional, then in my opinion, things are *very* distant between you two, and you may want to consider writing this one off. I know you love her, and this is tough, but you should consider focusing on yourself and your own needs now. She knows you love her, and she'll come after you if she's not willinig to lose you for good.
Recommended Posts