Guest Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 I have been exhausted constantly mourning the end of what I thought (we all thought) was forever with my girlfriend. I myself am a woman as well. We were together for a year and a half. From the moment i met her I immediately fell for her. Whether we were in love instantaneously or not, we were drawn to eachother and we went with it. I moved closer to where she lived, started work over there, moved out of my house and into my own apartment. I was 21 and she was 28 at the time. I always wanted to move to the city anyways and I felt why not do it sooner then later. Within one month of being together we booked our flight to England to meet her family for Christmas. Granted it was something we had to book months in advance she was very eager for me to meet them and i did not feel one ounce of doubt or rushing. I wanted it as much as she did. Through the course of our relationship we went on one vacation every 3 months..... England to meet her family,paris for new years, California for a music festival, Barbadoes as a surprise get away for our one year anniversary she took me away there, and recently this past September we went to Canada for her friends wedding. Through this whole year things may have been great with us to a certain extent. I was a bit depressed due to a few sexual harassment incidents in the work environments, so for 7 months i had a confidence issue amongst not being able to trust and keep a job for fear something would happen. She is an amazing woman, i know everyone says this about the person they are with but when i tell you, her heart is pure i mean it from the bottom of mine. This was one of many reasons i pictured marrying her. But me living with her so soon, havinbg an emotional break down, going on vacations when i was trying to sort out my life..... her not dealing with her past, it all was bad timing. But we worked through it. we rarely fought. It wasnt until the beginning of October where her and I got into a huge fight and I moved out. I was so angry and upset. But I never thought her and I would completely end things. I knew we needed our space. (we lived in a 400 Sq ft studio)...... up until mid november we were giving it another go. Things were great until the last week. She was trying to figure out why she was being moody, why we were slacking off sexually, why she would get irritated. I know i needed to work on certain issues within myself but i never thought it was something that would second guess our relationship . Apparently it did. She said she couldnt do this to me anymore (the typical line) she didnt know what happened, she lost her "Spark", our realtionship became blah..... all these things that stabbed me repeatedly in the heart, i never dreamed of hearing, especially from her. One thing you should know is that she was with a woman for 3 years prior to me, raising two children and deaing with a hell of alot between court battles and lawyers,we started dating 6 months after they broke up. Her ex started dating a man (still together). About 3 months ago i came across old pictures of her with her ex and the kids that she didnt put away compeltely they were buried on top of the refrigerator. When i confronted her she told me she forgot they werent there. But then came ut and told me she just fount out that her ex was having an affair with someone towards the end of there relationship........ I think part of this really emotionally ****ed her up and shut her down to trust me anymore. She hasnt dealt with it properly. I know she doesnt want her back but im sure anyone would be upset if they found this out a while later. If i told you everything about our relationship you would understand how this is a 180...... im trying to make sense of it now. Did something happen she is not telling me? I dont know She isnt happy within herself and i know that could affect anyones judgement on even considering giving themselves to another person. Eversince we broke up, ive had my improvements financially, im moving back out on my own shortly. Im trying to cope with everything but I feel so mixed about her and I. Just last week we saw eachother and that was when she told me about her change of heart and that she coulsnt do this to me. Sitting in the park next to eachother, listening to this. We both cried, hugged eachother and went back to her apt (formerly OUR apt)watched a movie, and still managed to cuddle, nothing more. After the movie was over she was tired before work and wanted to nap, i was going to leave when she asked me to lay with her and nap, that was when she put her arms around me, her head in my chest and said "Im sorry" ............ I said nothing, i caressed her hair until she fell asleep but couldnt help constantly repeating "Tell me you dont really love me if you can do this?" in my head. I woke up before her and left. I know she cares for my well being, and i know she misses me...... the question is in what way??? strictly platonic now? It doesnt make it easier that i work Part time at her Full time job but different positions. I am learning to seperate it, we dont see eachother there unless one chooses to. This past week, she called me twice, she texted me, short messages, nothing about our relationship. Only was it our last phone call she told me "the apartment is quiet without you, Im not used to sleeping alone" and also asking if i wanted to get hot chocolate next week and do something. I am the Queen of NC. Once you push me away and tell me to leave you alone I am gone like the wind and probably wont hear from me unless you plan to contact me...... so all this time shes been contacting me here and there and i try to be civil. I cant hate her for not loving the same way she used to. But, i dont think her saying that was 100% true. I want to be with her, I;ve followed my gut for this long. Definitely space for a while is the best thing. I just dont know her motives. I was supposed to go back to england with her this year....... i backed out. Shes leaving january for 2 weeks. Not a day goes by where I dont miss her....... i love her in every sense of the word. If she doesnt feel as strongly then I will learn to accept it and not lose her from my life completely....... for the first time i can truely say about an ex is that I want nothing but happiness for her..... i wanted to be part of the cause of her happiness. If anyone can give me some guidance or understanding to organize my thoughts i would be greatful.
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