Author goodmom Posted December 10, 2006 Author Posted December 10, 2006 I wrote in a previous post that WS was pressuring me to get a full-time job. I made the decision today to stay right where I am--if for the only reason that I feel comfortable and safe there. I certainly can't say that about my own house.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 You should keep the job you like. Plus that, you'll get more at settlement if you have a history of part-time work should you eventually decide to proceed with divorce. I don't know what state that you are in but I left my XH (he was gay) after I had been working only 6 weeks and had been a stay-at-home mom for the rest of our M (5.5 years) and that b****** got ALIMONY! Check with your attorney first...length of time differs in different states... Just food for thought...
Ladyjane14 Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 I don't know what state that you are in but I left my XH (he was gay) after I had been working only 6 weeks and had been a stay-at-home mom for the rest of our M (5.5 years) and that b****** got ALIMONY! Even though you had only been working for 6 weeks... you were working at the time of the hearing, right? I'm not an attorney, but from what I can gather, the facts at the time of the hearing are the ones the court will use in deciding settlement issues. If that's the case, I think Goodmom is making the best decision to continue on in her part-time capacity.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 Even though you had only been working for 6 weeks... you were working at the time of the hearing, right? I'm not an attorney, but from what I can gather, the facts at the time of the hearing are the ones the court will use in deciding settlement issues. If that's the case, I think Goodmom is making the best decision to continue on in her part-time capacity. I agree with you LJ...My point was that laws may be different in different states and whether you're P/T for most of the M, your status at the time of the D is maybe what counts...what I meant was to use caution because if she goes to F/T, then that is probably what the court would base alimony on...not on her previous P/T status...
veronese Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 My heart goes out to you goodmom, it really does. You've received some wonderful advice already, especially from LadyJane who has been through something similar and has exceptional insight. People would pay good money to be told what she has said on this thread alone. Like you, I found out my husband wasn't who I thought he was two and a half years ago and the shock of the discovery left me bereft and confused. I didn't find Loveshack until three months later when my first thread post shows I was clearly still very confused and distraught. In fact I think a great deal of my posts that followed continued to show how powerful the impact was on me. Goodmom, don't cling on to your husband if you can help it. Give him permission to go but equally don't necessarily encourage him to do so, unless you are in the mindset to do so of course. He needs to hold on to you now because right now he isn't looking quite as attractive as he used to. Don't stifle your emotions or battle to keep them under wraps. They are an important part of the recovery process and shouldn't be denied. Don't apologize for your feelings or feel ashamed of them. If he doesn't like the mad, basket case of a woman you've no doubt turned into then tough titty mate. You don't much like the sleazy, low down, sorry-arsed wanker of a husband he's turned into either! Please insist on having access to any and all of his personal mail, phone accounts etc. Insist on seeing anything and everything you wish to see. Ask to see his old phone bills, get him to request copies from his service provider if he’s destroyed them,Get him to cut off his current cell phone account and get a new number. He may well decide to get a second, secret cell phone but if he's serious about wanting your marriage to survive blocking the OW’s access to him is sensible so she can’t contact him at those weak moments she will inevitably have. And listen, him telling you to tell you to think about someone other than yourself is truly arrogant, what did he think you would do if you found out about his affair? He probably imagined you’d dump him pretty quickly. If he doesn’t like how you are now then tell him to he’s free to leave if he wants. He can’t bully you into feeling things you are don’t feel. He may be an accomplished actor but you’re not and shouldn’t have to be. He’s great at lying but you haven’t had the practice he’s been putting in! You’re feeling like a pile of poop and that feeling aint going to change any time soon I’m afraid. The immediate future isn’t going to be easy for either of you traveling on the ‘rollercoaster’ ride you definitely didn’t want to go on but find yourself trapped in evertheless. DEMAND answers if you have questions. Stipulate your terms as they stand now in your mind. What you want and won’t compromise on. Make no promises and take things day by day. He has to realize how hugely he’s cocked up and has to be determined to do what he can to repair the damage with you. Don’t take anymore of his bollocks and make sure he knows you won’t as well. Check on him as much as you like but be prepared to enter a dark place of madness and obsession. Because if and when you do dig deeper into his world you may find out additional, unsavory details about him; information you’d love not to be true but have to confront nevertheless. Don’t accept anything you’re not comfortable with. Don’t be scared about losing him. Don’t spend too long on looking at where you went wrong and focus a bit more on where he did. When you look back in hindsight you’ll probably recognize a whole array of incidents where you tolerated or excused his behavior or attitude when in truth, maybe you shouldn’t have. Your future is an unknown quantity now, and your past has been erased in the form that you’d believed it was. You’re going to grieve the loss of a life that you’re now beginning to see for what it was…. I remember how I felt GM but can’t begin to describe it in depth because the depth was way too deep to describe here. Put as simply as I can though I felt shocked, horrified, devastated, traumatized, lost, and alone. I felt foolish, naïve and very gullible. I’d believed my husband and like you again, was aware that my life wasn’t perfect and maybe could be improved on, but I appreciated what I had and valued my marriage enormously. Despite being culpable for problems in our relationship, I was also the only one who constantly focused and nurtured it. I loved him, trusted him. Honestly thought he was one of the ‘special’ guys. Not infallible by any means, but precious and exceptional and not to be taken for granted. A few weeks after DDay I told him that I couldn’t believe he’d turned out to be a bastard like so many other men. He insisted that no, he was in fact, a nice guy. I argued that nice guys didn’t lie to and cheat on their wives so no, he wasn’t nice, he was a bastard. His reply? I guess I’m a nice bastard then! Un-bloody-believable! We’re still together. I still don’t know if we will stay together indefinitely or not. I’ve told him to leave many times when I’ve got to the ‘melt down’ moments when I’ve been so exhausted and drained by living without trust and security I figured the alternative had to be better. He has never agreed to go which had I been in his shoes I would have done and run for the hills to flee the madness! I don’t know how you’re coping not sharing this with your friends and loved ones but I understand your reasons not to do so. If you change your mind be circumspect about who you inform, affairs in marriages have strange effects on those who are observing. I was hurt unimaginably by the reactions of some people which exacerbated the overwhelming sense of loss I already felt. Come here whenever you need to and God willing you will receive the support and understanding you may not be able to get anywhere else. Brace yourself though for the predictable tossers who delight in dumping their nastiness and vitriol on you to compensate for whatever issues and personal problems (and genetically flawed makeup) they are experiencing. People can be incredibly impatient and insensitive towards others in pain and have been known to express their testiness when BWs (betrayed wives) don’t come to terms with their predicaments quickly. You’ll find that most BWs slip away from Loveshack and stop posting a few months down the line because they anticipate the backlash other BWs have gone through before them from posters here. It’s hard for some to grasp how long and drawn out the process can be of recovering after discovering you’re married to a stranger and one you don’t particularly like! So don’t be embarrassed hun. You’re not going mad, well not permanently anyway. Some of us DO understand. Thinking of you, big hugs veronese
Author goodmom Posted December 11, 2006 Author Posted December 11, 2006 Thank you, Veronese. Like I said before, I am overwhelmed by the support I have found here.
FlyingHigh Posted December 17, 2006 Posted December 17, 2006 Goodmom, I've been where you are. Even though we didn't have kids, the hurt and pain of betrayal is just the same. My stbx had a 2+ year affair out of our 3 yr marriage. We knew and lived together the 3 years prior so I NEVER had a clue. Husband was the kind of cheater who had a stellar, pristine image personally and professionally. He played the "perfect" husband to both sides of the family. He came across sensitive and conscientious to everyone. But he was nothing more than a dirty, sneaky wolf in a sheep skin. I think this how the saying go? LJ has provided you great advice and wisdom. Whether or not kids are 8 or in their teens, they know something is up and not right. The fact that your kids ARE in their teens and if they don't know what's going on with their Dad chasing a bunny tail, let them know. Include them in the family conflict. By ignoring them, it sends the message that: 1) Mom is too weak to challenge Dad. 2) Dad is stepping all over Mom and she's letting him. It comes down to self-respect. Alligning with LJ, you have to decide at what point will be enough. Like you, I gave xtb a lot of chances. I even forgave the bastard as way to start the healing process. We went to MC and he to IC. He lied to both counselors and continued his contact w/OW. Finally caught him red handed and he still lied. He even swore on his dying mother's life that he wasn't lying. But the the bastard kept lying. His poor Mom has since passed away. How any son who claims to love his Mom could turn around and leverage her life just to protect him is just beyond human. On 9/11/06 he would utter his LAST and FINAL lie. With him calling 911, it backfired on him. He was escorted by cops. And I was done! Now, I look back on all the months I have tried hard to create the "safe, soft spot" for him to fall back on, but he never once glanced at it as an opportunity to become part of the solution in rebuilding our marriage. BUT, he did what your hubby has been doing --- turning the table on you to make you out to be the bad person just to justify his affair. In the end, all it did was it enhanced his "harem mentality" of having two women. Only you will know when it's over. After you've given all that you had to give and be able to look at the end of your marriage WITHOUT any regrets. It took me seven months to get there. D-day was 2/1/06. The end of the worst times of my life and a new beginning was 9/11/06. I'm also 25 pounds lighter! That was the best part!!! Divorce is in progess. Started to retain my maiden last name and can't wait to get rid of his last name from my identity for good! Hang in there. Either way, it does get better and you will become a better person because of it.
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