Don't understand, maybe you will.

[beautifulearth83]

I've been seeing a girl for about 1 and 1/2 to 2 years.

 

We have become close and gone through quite a bit, but a lot about the situation hasn't changed.

 

When we first met I had a really hard time feeling good enough for her and I felt that she had me on a backburner. She was seeing somebody else when we met and maybe she didn't want to be a player. I respect that.

 

Well the time finally came and I gave up. I said I don't need to try to get this girl anymore because there is somebody out there who appreciates me. I can't feel this way anymore.

 

She presents herself as somebody who is flawless. She is beautiful and always seems secure. Knows all the hot spots in the city and has all the coolest friends. Which is great for her.

 

Well anyway when I stopped trying to get her, about a month later she started coming to me. Which was different for me. I'm so used to the chase.

 

Well from the beginning I've grown these feeling of inadequecy with her. I have her on a pedestal way up high. I made her my goddess.

 

I always compliment her. Hold her like she's an angel. I've shared a lot of personal things with her. Opened up some of the dark and light things. Yet I never really feel much of a response. I don't feel encouraged or complimented by her.

 

I know you shouldn't just depend on somebody else for validation. But both people are supposed to lift eachother right?

 

She wants to be mysterious(as she's said). She stylish and knows all the newest best music. In fact it's odd because I feel like she has gained a lot of the traits that I was thankful for about myself before I met her.

 

It's like I've mirrored everything that I love in this world into her. Which some people would say is..LOVE. And I do love her as a human being, but there's been a growing lack of my sense of self through it all.

 

Sometimes it's like I'm just not there. It's only her. I find it hard to get her excited with the things that I do for her. If I ask her if she wants something to drink or to make her food it's always NO and it just seems like bad timing.

 

I've gotten so insecure in this relationship when before I always saw the light at the end of the tunnel. This has been kind of blinding. I don't really see it getting any better.

 

But I have this thing in my head that tells me it would be wrong to break up with her. Because then I'd somehow magically become the heartbreaker that I've always been against. I would be become that girl in high school that drove me nuts. Sometimes I wish she would dump me, in some weird way. Is that just obsessive thinking?

 

I just know that sometimes this relationship isn't healthy. I don't know what It's completely due to, but it all scares the **** out of me.

 

Thank you for any comments you may have <3

[Spinderella]

Well. Nobodys perfect, you seem to be idealising this woman way too much, as you know. Perhaps you should concentrate on your own life abit more, rather than constantly comparing yourself to her, or trying to please her.

[stillafool]

I remember my dating days (before marriage) and falling in love with a guy who made me feel like your girlfriend does you. Now I know I was loving a fantasy and not a person. I was so blinded by the perfection I saw in him that I could not see his true character. This girl you love seems to be in with the "in crowd" and you fine that appealing. I agree with Spinderalla, you should start concentrating on your own life more and ways of making it more fun and productive. She probably senses that you are giving her all your energy and you should stop it. I would pull back some if I were you and let her start making the effort to be with you. If she doesn't just move on because there are loads of beautiful girls who are down to earth and open and giving.

[Walk]

I might be off base here.

 

For some reason you seem to have lost your way. You've been sucked in to an alter reality where cool bars, hip friends, and hot clothes are the it and the all. Flawless, really? Interesting... You aren't touching beneath her surface. That's my guess. My experienced view on this... she's not as cooly confident as you think. She's working really hard at keeping up a persona. Needs the validation of being the coolest, most hip, whatever, inorder to feel she's someone special. I think under her hard exterior is someone just as insecure as you are feeling.

 

People I know who are sincerely confident are not putting all their effort into "fitting" in. It's not a priority to them. I think you're girl is trying very hard to be one of the popular.

 

She's probably scared to death you'll leave her if you find out she's not as confident and "flawless" as you believe her to be. She probably thinks thats why you love her. I think she'll be shocked if you leave because she thinks she's givign you what you want.

 

Might be why things feel so wrong to you. She isn't being true to herself, or to you. Causes discord in a relationship.

 

I might be wrong too. But someone who puts a lot of effort into presenting a certain image is usually attempting to cover up for feeling inadequate inside.

 

Also, you said she's mirroring you. Sounds like she doesn't have a well defined sense of self, and she's taking on your traits. Which also leads me to believe she isn't very confident in who she is.

 

I don't know if I said any of this very clearly, but basically, I think your gf is trying to hide her insecurity too. She's just a lot better at it then you are.

 

And I think it would do you a great deal of good to start focusing on how to improve how you feel about yourself. Your partner is supposed to "help lift you", but not when it comes to self-esteem. They can't do that for you.

 

It's that horrible catch 22. If you buy something you've always wanted with money you had to work hard to earn, then what you bought brings you pride. If you bought something with money someone handed to you.. that pride in knowing you earned it isn't there. She can't give you self-esteem. You have to earn it. That's one problem in your thinking. She can't "life you up" because you feel you didn't earn it.

 

Any ideas on how you could increase your self-confidence and prove to yourself that you are worthy of someone's love?

[beautifulearth83]

thank you for your replies. I think you're right about many of those things. I would agree that she has insecurities and she is better at hiding them than I am. it's just that i like to be open sometimes..to clear the air...but i'm learning that sometimes it's best to take the time to work it out.....i'm generally a happy, thankful and optimistic person....but there has been a lot of overwhelming over-thinking.

 

i think it would be a good idea to stay productive. that is when i feel my best. when i feel like i am progressing. i'm hoping to go to a music school soon and i think that may be fun. i thirst for more enlightenment and clarity....i don't want to lose it....i don't want to grow into a regretful and bitter adult.

 

life is too beautiful. all i can do is learn to be more honest and give myself and other people more credit.

 

thanks again.

love.

[beautifulearth83]

"That's one problem in your thinking. She can't "life you up" because you feel you didn't earn it."

 

That's a good point.

[notmakingsense]

There is so much of how I used to be in your posts, that I thought I should reply.

 

I too built an ex of mine up so much, that all I could think about was how *I* was struggling to live up to her expectations. She was the successful, beautiful, and confident one. I was the guy who was extremely lucky to have received a crumb of her attention.

 

If your situation is playing out to be the same as mine was, chances are that she has subconsciously learned that you have low self-esteem, and the only reason you are around is because she can boost her ego because of your actions. Note that she isn't doing this on purpose, it is a subconscious response to enabling actions from both of you.

 

Once time has marched on a ways, she will grow bored or find someone who is a challenge, and you will be increasingly frustrated until things self-destruct.

 

The best advice I can offer is to live life on your terms. Show her, and yourself, that you can be independant and confident on your own. Never, ever come across as if you "need" to be in a relationship with her or anyone. Do not put up with her lack of attention.

 

I am confident that if you don't put up with her sh*t, she will start coming after you more for a change.

 

Also, you don't need to be a jerk to her. Always have a light, fun, and teasing attitude about it all. Don't become angry with her, just give her a smart-alecky remark and show her with your actions that you've got better things to do. She'll get the idea without having to have some deep serious conversation. Trust me -- lightness and humor are far more effective than seriousness!

 

I'm rambling, but here are a few more randomly placed thoughts:

 

1. Quit opening up so much to her until you have a solid intimate relationship. Be a mystery yourself. If she asks you something personal, try coming back with an evasive joke once in a while.... that technique works magic!

 

2. Live your own life! Make sure you are doing your own thing, with your own friends from time to time. Make sure she understands that you are meeting other people that are just as "flawless" as her.

 

3. Playfully make fun of her from time to time. Not in a mean way, just in a teasing kind of way. Did she happen to wake up one morning with a zit? Try looking at her face with wide eyes and a smirk. This is all designed to show her that you know that everyone is human. (oh, and *stop* complimenting her so much. once or twice in an evening is enough)

 

4. If your relationship with her is not exclusive, please, please, please start dating other women. Don't be scared that this will have the wrong effect. This will both boost your confidence and make you more attractive to her. The minute she gets wind that there are other fish in the sea, her attitude will change. And if it doesn't -- then she doesn't want you bad enough -- you deserve better!

 

5. Don't be super-available and always trying to contact her. Do you always drop everything when she calls or says she wants to see you? Cut that out. Try not answerinig phone calls or e-mails for a day.

 

 

Finally, don't worry if you can't get this one right. There ARE plenty fish in the sea. Look at this as a learning experience. Take some risks and see if they work. What to you have to loose? The worst thing that can happen is that you will be available for a woman much better than her!

[beautifulearth83]

Great reply and thank you. You're right about so much of that.

 

I have definately calmed down on chasing her and it seems like she comes to me more. I see so much beauty in her and I know that much of the way I feel is because of me. But I believe it may be chemistry.

 

Sometimes it feels like this competition to see who is the better person, the good person. It's quite frustrating and I've found that in the last year or so I've tended to drift away from the things I love doing the most. It's hard to do them with clarity and conviction, because there is a voice in my head that doubts me. And I think that comes from the lack of self-esteem reflected from my actions.

 

Then I get angry inside, it bottles up and I don't want to take it out on other people, but then I feel like other people can sense it in my silence and eye-contact, or lack there-of. I feel that a great amount of soul-searching needs to go on and that I need to get back in touch with my muses, being that I've made her everything that I depend on.

 

I need that sense of accomplishment and progress and pride and creativity and enlightenment in activities whether it's including a relationship or not. A relationship shouldn't be this big responsibility, but it feels like one....it feels like a car that keeps breaking down and I need to figure what the problem is all over again, yet I fear letting go of the car because of the memories and it's natural broken down beauty.

 

I need to work on myself, but I'm really trying harder to make other people happy and feel more involved as a positive part of society. I know that is off the tangent, but stability in the things that keep me moving follow through into everything else. Hope that makes sense and I hope it's real. Love to all who take the time to read.