mav100 Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 ...and I sent her an email after a week of NC. I just couldn't bear the thought of the last thing I said to her being "I never want to speak to you again!" The text is below. Janay, Not talking to you this week has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I realize that there are alot of things I could have done differently. Somehow I keep finding myself thinking about everything that has gone on, and not just over the past few weeks. I keep finding myself thinking about all of the good times we had, and we certainly had our share of those too. I remember laughing our asses off at the comedy club, even when the comedians were horrible. I always felt nostalgic going there since Fresno's was where we first figured out we were attracted to each other and where we first kissed. I remember going to camp and just staring out over the water with you in my arms, not caring about anyone else around us. I remember how awesome it was when we went to the Great Escape with Jacob, finally feeling like I may have finally found the woman I wanted to start a family with. More recently, I remember going to Brooks & Dunn and freezing to death, but being happy that you were there and keeping my arm around you and holding you tight to keep you warm, and just how much my heart broke for you when they played "I Believe" and you broke down and cried. I remember that so vividly because I felt so frustrated that there was nothing I could do in that moment to make you feel better. I remember when I finally broke down and went to Rafferty's with you and I actually got up the courage to dance, and seeing the light in your eye that you got because you were having so much fun. There are so many awesome memories that I shared with you that I'm afraid if I listed them all, I'd be writing a book... Even after what has happened, you are still the first thing on my mind in the morning when I wake up, and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. Every time I close my eyes, I see everything about you again and again - your gorgeous face, your hair, your smile, your lips, every part of you. I keep hearing your voice in my head saying "I love you Jer" while staring into my eyes with yours, and you busting my chops for calling you "cute". I hear all of your little phrases that I always thought were so cute like "Nothing nothing nothing..." or "G2" and even "I'll denut you in 2.5". I feel my hands on your shoulders rubbing them the way I used to when you got upset. It certainly feels odd now not getting that lunch time phone call, not getting that big hug and kiss when I get home, not having you on my lap while on the couch. I really meant what I said to you before Janay. I had every intention of asking you to marry me when we went to SC for Christmas. That's why I was feeling you out about it after we moved into the house. I was looking forward to that so much. I really hope that I still have a place in your heart Janay. You were the best thing that ever happened to me - I was always happy being with you, even when all we were doing was just lying on the couch watching TV together while you laid on my chest - its the little moments like that I treasure the most. I realize that we had a few arguments, but they seem to fade away in comparison to all the little moments we have shared. Even the more recent stuff that has happened, as much as it has hurt me seems to fade away when I think about all of those warm memories I have of you. I'll always cherish all of the time we spent together regardless of what happens in the future. It's hard to believe that it was 3 weeks ago today we were together last. All those memories I have make me feel like it was only yesterday. I'm not sure how things ended up this way, but I do know there are alot of things I'd love to go back and change for the better. The times we did argue, I wish I'd have just kept quiet instead. In retrospect I'd rather lose an argument or just agree with you than to make you unhappy, because you being happy was something that made me happy. Seeing a smile on your face always made my heart melt. I'm moving forward without you, but I still miss you very much, and I'd give anything to fix all of this. For now, I guess I have to think of you like the old cliche "the one who got away". I love you with all my heart Janay.
HopefulOne Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 After reading your other thread and this one... Why are you so into blaming yourself? She cheated on you, she decieved you, she lied to you and you keep telling her your sorry for what you did to her.... I realize you love this woman and I understand that you didn't want to part with harsh words but I don't think you should have sent this email. Do you feel better now that you have sent it ? Did it give you some closure? Do you want to move on with your life?
Author mav100 Posted December 4, 2006 Author Posted December 4, 2006 After reading your other thread and this one... Why are you so into blaming yourself? She cheated on you, she decieved you, she lied to you and you keep telling her your sorry for what you did to her.... I realize you love this woman and I understand that you didn't want to part with harsh words but I don't think you should have sent this email. Do you feel better now that you have sent it ? Did it give you some closure? Do you want to move on with your life? Well, I certainly could have done a better job of not arguing with her. I'm sure the arguments we had are what drove her to contact her ex. Not that it's an excuse of course. However, sometimes the arguments did get heated and both of us would say things that would have been better off unsaid. I do not feel better that I sent it - NC is my only hope at this point. Hoping that she sees that I treated her a helluva lot better than this clown ever did. I know in order for that to happen I have to let things take their course. As far as moving on - I'm not sure I'm ready yet. I thought I was going to marry this woman, and I never expected this. I'm still in shock at this point.
norajane Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 Well, I certainly could have done a better job of not arguing with her. I'm sure the arguments we had are what drove her to contact her ex. Not that it's an excuse of course. However, sometimes the arguments did get heated and both of us would say things that would have been better off unsaid. Yeah, but those arguments didn't drive YOU to cheat! She made a CHOICE to cheat on you instead of either dealing with your issues together, or breaking up with you. A deceitful person does not deserve your apologies. She should be apologizing to you.
Author mav100 Posted December 5, 2006 Author Posted December 5, 2006 Yeah, but those arguments didn't drive YOU to cheat! She made a CHOICE to cheat on you instead of either dealing with your issues together, or breaking up with you. A deceitful person does not deserve your apologies. She should be apologizing to you. That thought had crossed my mind - had I handled things differently, not charged in and punched her ex, not called her father, and just told her to get lost, it's very possible she'd be in my position now. However, I did not think the night I caught her, and she holds it all against me now. I suppose it makes her feel better about her decision to be able to be mad at me.
Recommended Posts