Hoping this will add some insight

[HennyPenny]

I've been lurking and reading the battles here recently and I'm finding it hard to take sides. I know if I were married and my H had an OW I'd be almost homicidal. When I was married I knew that if this happened that my H would bear the brunt of my wrath, rage and hatred. I would never be able to look him in the eye again and certainly could never sleep with him again.

 

I'm not going deny I would have felt rage toward the OW as well. Sometimes women would pursue him and I couldn't imagine what kind of skank would pursue a MM. I still can't. I wanted to rip their hair out. One of them was married and I dashed off a nasty note to her husband and enclosed the dirty letter my H found on his desk from her. I also partially blamed my H - was he encouraging this attention somehow? To his credit, he never cheated and would end any friendship with a female if she started showing too much interest and/or I became uncomfortable, but it still makes me wonder if this was all for my benefit somehow...

 

Sorry, I'm rambling a little. But as a woman who is being pursued by a MM I feel that many wives here could benefit from hearing my story and I want them to know I completely understand their anger.

 

This is a man I work with. We have been friends for years. I had no romantic feelings for him at first. For one thing, he's not my type. For another, he's far too good-looking normally for me. This statement says a lot. I have very low self-esteem. I don't understand how a man like him could find me attractive. Since I've been losing weight more men are finding me attractive, but he started looking at me That Way long ago. Weight loss or no, I look in the mirror and see a woman who looks at least ten years older than she is, who desperately needs about every kind of cosmetic surgery invented, who for various reasons could never attract a man with any character or quality.

 

Why do I feel this way? Many, many reasons. I'm started to see the light a little. It's taken me years of being alone. That's right, I've not been with a man in years. 8 years. For most of those years I was suffering from a hormone imbalance which was affecting my appearance, my libido, my mental state. Now those issues are being resolved. I have this libido that has basically taken over my brain at times. I'm scared to have a relationship, but I have all this repressed sexuality. This, among other things, makes me vulnerable. Luckily I realize this.

 

I realize that it's wrong of me to be flattered by the attentions of a MM. I know that if I were a weaker person, I would be in a PA right now with him. I hate that half the time I'm taken in by his "woe-is-me" stance on his marriage. I honestly don't know what his motives are. Is he grooming me? Are his feelings sincere? He seems so innocent to me somehow, but I still do not trust him. However, I feel weak when he does all the nice things he does for me, compliments me, tells me I'm beautiful, tells me I'm fascinating, says stuff in front of other people like "Isn't she adorable? Isn't she hilarious? She says the coolest things" the list goes on.

 

He's absolutely gorgeous and knows how to use his eyes. He looks at me like I'm the most glorious, unique, beautiful creature he's ever seen. He's looks at me with affection, with love. If I return his gaze I feel locked in somehow, so I try my very best not to. He's tricky, though. And unfortunately, no man has ever looked at me this way - or, no man I've known ever had such beautiful eyes and was such an expert at eye contact. I don't know. All I know is it makes me feel weak, loved, adored, guilty, and tortured all at the same time. And I hate myself for feeling somehow honored that a man like him is looking at me at all.

 

I'm not going to lie. I am very attracted to him. His touch send shivers up my spine. I'm very good about keeping space between us, but all he has to do is run his hand over my back. It doesn't take much, and he's very physical, affectionate person. He is openly hurt sometimes when I back away from his embrace, etc. This makes things even worse. Is it me? Am I a cold person? Did I hurt his feelings? Am I making something innocent into something dirty?

 

I put myself in his wife's shoes all the time and I think this is what saves me. Rotten self-esteem or not, I'm a very strong person. If I weren't, I know what would be happening. If there's one thing I'm confident about it's my strength. I'm stronger than most people I know. I wonder why he doesn't find a softer nut to crack. It wouldn't be difficult, considering what the man has to work with.

 

In a nutshell, I can see how it could happen. I want to hate him because I suspect he may be working on me, grooming me, what have you. But I'm just weak enough to be flattered by his attention. and yes, I do have strong feelings for him. As I've said - we've been friends for years. But I can't help but be a little appalled at how he's behaving toward me. After all - he's married. He's a father. He gives most people the impression that he's the model husband/father. What would his wife think of his behavior?

 

Hopefully this can shed some light here. I'm not making any moves. I'm trying desperately not to give out any signals. I know I'm not perfect, but I know I'm not evil. I'm not pursuing anyone.

[pureinheart]

Hey Henny Penny,

 

My old situation had some very distinct simularities.....for one, he is "breaking you down slowly", and he knows it's working because he can read your signals no matter how faint they are....

 

I lacked compassion for OW....so when it happened to me, I gained understanding and compassion....

 

To the BW's out there....I hate what happened (emotional affair), and hated me for a very long time, no one could have hated me as much as me.....

 

MM and me knew each other for some yrs and he chased me then....we ended up working together....I looked like crap....MM showered me with everything....now I look good....now I am full of myself.....

 

You said you feel like he is molding you, this could be true. Now I am MM's trophy (coined from another post) ....well what does one do with trophies, they are put on the shelf , only to be taken down when one want's to build themselves up and remember past accomplishments.

 

After pride comes the fall, and I fell hard.

 

We feel this is a possitive thing because some things improve behind the attention that they give....the relationship in the beginning "appears" possitive and that is how we maintain the lie with them.

 

These relationships are anything but possitive, they are extremely destructive to all parties involved.

 

My life was a mess behind my parents affairs, and I didn't realize it until now....generations of nothing but destruction....and now am turning it all around.

[pureinheart]

You know what really cracks me up....after working with mainly guys all my life, they flirt, say nice things, although when you see them in the "real world" out with their families, they act like they don't know you.

[bonehead]

You know what really cracks me up....after working with mainly guys all my life, they flirt, say nice things, although when you see them in the "real world" out with their families, they act like they don't know you.

 

 

Woman do the same. lol

[pureinheart]

Woman do the same. lol

 

 

No doubt Bonehead....and don't you just hate phoney no matter what sex!!!!!

 

Hey, quick question....how do you "quote" a partial quote on this site....like if you just want to quote a sentance or two? I have played with this and tried to find the answers through the site itself and can't find it

[LucreziaBorgia]

I usually quote the whole thing and just delete what I don't need.

[pureinheart]

Thanks LB....knew it was something simple

[bonehead]

[Hey, quick question....how do you "quote" a partial quote on this site....like if you just want to quote a sentance or two? I have played with this and tried to find the answers through the site itself and can't find it/QUOTE]

 

You mean like that??

[NoIDidn't]

I realize that it's wrong of me to be flattered by the attentions of a MM.

 

I don't think that's wrong at all. Anyone would be flattered at such attention. The trick is not letting it go any further by firmly telling the MM that you are flattered but not interested. That's the hard part, because. like you said, usually its a friend and you don't want to come off like you are misinterpretting things.

 

Good luck warding him off. Does sound like he is grooming you though. If he is successful, you will fall HARD.

[HennyPenny]

Thank you pureinheart and NoIDidnt. I know I'm fairly new and don't post all that much, but you have no idea how much this helps me. I have a hard time being assertive with him because I have very strong feelings for him and he seems very fragile when I do so. A few weeks ago he became very open about his feelings for me and I did not disclose the extent of my feelings for him. He was coming on very strong and talked of leaving his marriage, etc.

 

I was at least assertive enough to let him know I wasn't real comfortable with the level of physical affection, etc. he was showing me because of his marital status. He acted devastated by this for a while and he has taken it down a notch, but I still get the lovesick gazes, compliments, and small gifts and favors.

 

I feel like some of the cheated-on spouses here feel like their spouses are the more innocent parties in all this. I initiated nothing, and though maybe he could feel my attraction for him, I've given him no encouragement. It's all him.

 

If he ever left his wife of course I'd be all over him. But if we engaged in a PA now, who would most likely get most of the blame?

[noforgiveness]

If he ever left his wife of course I'd be all over him. But if we engaged in a PA now, who would most likely get most of the blame?

 

 

hennypenny the difference is you are not going for it. You are saying you are married so are off limits to me. You are sticking to your morals and not giving in to his advances unless he leaves his marriage. I do think an emotional affair can be just as devistating to the wife.

[NoIDidn't]

hennypenny the difference is you are not going for it. You are saying you are married so are off limits to me. You are sticking to your morals and not giving in to his advances unless he leaves his marriage. I do think an emotional affair can be just as devistating to the wife.

 

They really are just as bad. And hennypenny is not really submitting to one......yet.

 

Hen,

 

Ignore the sad eyes and pitiful looks. Who would want someone that acts so needy? I find that rather unattractive.

[bonehead]

hennypenny the difference is you are not going for it. You are saying you are married so are off limits to me. You are sticking to your morals and not giving in to his advances unless he leaves his marriage. I do think an emotional affair can be just as devistating to the wife.

 

Makes a HUGE difference.

 

As far as an emotional affair being just as devistating.

 

I think in some ways it would be more so. When a man is looking to someone else for emotional support it builds a relationship that actually has meaning. Its harder for him to pull away from.

 

Ignore the sad eyes and pitiful looks. Who would want someone that acts so needy? I find that rather unattractive.

 

Does a woman want to be needed or desired?

[NoIDidn't]

Does a woman want to be needed or desired?

 

Both!!!

 

But when a man makes you feel like he needs you to make it through the day, that to me is very unattractive. I don't do co-dependents. I don't want to feel like I am rescuing a lost pet.

 

In the beginning, I want to be desired, madly. And after he gets to really know me, I want to be needed AND still desired. Need should come after desire.

 

Maybe this guy has already made her feel desired and now he is trying to show her that he needs her. I don't know. But I still find the pleading looks unattractive.

[bonehead]

But when a man makes you feel like he needs you to make it through the day, that to me is very unattractive. I don't do co-dependents. I don't want to feel like I am rescuing a lost pet.

I dont understand why a man WOULD want a woman to feel he needs her to make it through the day. If I cant do it on my own, why would she want anything to do with me?

 

Looks weak and immature.

[NoIDidn't]

I dont understand why a man WOULD want a woman to feel he needs her to make it through the day. If I cant do it on my own, why would she want anything to do with me?

 

Looks weak and immature.

 

That's exactly what I am saying.

 

Are you reading my mind today?

[bonehead]

Wouldnt you like to know.

 

Actually have a hard time reading my own. lol