Arguing

[yousaveme]

I really cant seem to stop arguing with him. We both want it to stop, but I just seem to always be at him. We talked today about a pretty serious issue and we just seemed to yell mostly..

 

I love him and I know he loves me. But sometimes we can really battle and say things that we immediately feel guilty about. I am wondering how much of this is my hormone levels or me not letting go of the past.

 

Can hormones really do this to someone this bad?

 

I really want to make up for all the arguing and I just want to get past all this hen pecking im doing.

[BareGoddess]

Hormones? Or could it have something to do with the fact that he's married being that this is in the OW/OM forum?

 

Sorry don't know your history but it seems hormones wouldn't have that much to do with the arguing in this type of situation.

[herenow]

I really cant seem to stop arguing with him. We both want it to stop, but I just seem to always be at him. We talked today about a pretty serious issue and we just seemed to yell mostly..

 

I love him and I know he loves me. But sometimes we can really battle and say things that we immediately feel guilty about. I am wondering how much of this is my hormone levels or me not letting go of the past.

 

Can hormones really do this to someone this bad?

 

I really want to make up for all the arguing and I just want to get past all this hen pecking im doing.

 

Hi yousaveme. Are you able to fix the problem that you are arguing about? If not, then you are giving too much of yourself to something you can't solve. Focus on the good.

 

BTW, I have PM now.

[noforgiveness]

oh god you're not pregnant are you?

I never believed in hormones affecting ersonality till i was pegnant but it was insane.

 

It's good you're arguing. It means you are taking a stand and sticking up for you and you're feelings. You need to take care of you.

[herenow]

oh god you're not pregnant are you?

I never believed in hormones affecting ersonality till i was pegnant but it was insane.

 

It's good you're arguing. It means you are taking a stand and sticking up for you and you're feelings. You need to take care of you.

 

HI noforgiveness, did you get your PM working?

[noforgiveness]

HI noforgiveness, did you get your PM working?

 

Yes all set.

[yousaveme]

Hi yousaveme. Are you able to fix the problem that you are arguing about? If not, then you are giving too much of yourself to something you can't solve. Focus on the good.

 

BTW, I have PM now.

 

Ah, I owe you a story dont I?

 

I would like to focus on the good. I guess that is why i wrote the thread. The problem isnt something that I or we can really fix. I guess im trying to be level headed and stop something I think could do more harm then good.

 

But I am starting to think my hormone levels are causing alot of these issues. I cant seem to let go of the past and look beyond it.

[yousaveme]

oh god you're not pregnant are you?

I never believed in hormones affecting ersonality till i was pegnant but it was insane.

 

It's good you're arguing. It means you are taking a stand and sticking up for you and you're feelings. You need to take care of you.

 

 

As for being pregnant. NO I CANT HAVE CHILDREN. I really want them , and have always wanted them I just cant have them anymore.

 

As for the argument. Im trying to stop something that I think will just make matters worse. And I also am trying to let go of the past.

[How I ended up Here]

Speaking from personal experience the arguing has a deeper seated issue than the topics at hand that you are arguning about. I bet if you look at what you are arguing about it could be anything and everything and it can be big or insignificant but the one common denominator is that it is often. I know it all too well, because I was the instigator of most if not all arguments, and for me it was the general dissatisfaction in the relationship I was having with my MM. Until I got him all to myself the arguing would not go away.

 

He has left his wife for good, living on his own and is seperated working on the divorce. We are dating slowly to be friends again before I even get physically involved, and we are like best friends again. It's amazing how well we get a long now that he is a free man and I will soon have him all to myself.

 

I know this man TRULY loves me because the horrible things I have said to him in arguments (which I instigated) was enough to chase the most forgiving and spiritually understanding person away. Yet he stuck it out, understood the underlying nature of our arguments and my angry hurtful words towards him and proved to me that I was the one he wanted to be with.

 

Until he can prove to you that you are the only one, the arguments will not go away, unless of course you are fine with being the OW and it works for you. It did not work for me to be the OW.

[yousaveme]

Speaking from personal experience the arguing has a deeper seated issue than the topics at hand that you are arguning about. I bet if you look at what you are arguing about it could be anything and everything and it can be big or insignificant but the one common denominator is that it is often. I know it all too well, because I was the instigator of most if not all arguments, and for me it was the general dissatisfaction in the relationship I was having with my MM. Until I got him all to myself the arguing would not go away.

 

He has left his wife for good, living on his own and is seperated working on the divorce. We are dating slowly to be friends again before I even get physically involved, and we are like best friends again. It's amazing how well we get a long now that he is a free man and I will soon have him all to myself.

 

I know this man TRULY loves me because the horrible things I have said to him in arguments (which I instigated) was enough to chase the most forgiving and spiritually understanding person away. Yet he stuck it out, understood the underlying nature of our arguments and my angry hurtful words towards him and proved to me that I was the one he wanted to be with.

 

Until he can prove to you that you are the only one, the arguments will not go away, unless of course you are fine with being the OW and it works for you. It did not work for me to be the OW.

 

 

He has proven alot to me..Most people would have ran for the hills with some of the arguments we have had. I know that they are deep seeded and I have to let go of them. I also know the other reason. And I sure that will be something that will be over with soon.

 

I have said some really horrid things. And he still is there. And he still takes it. Sometimes I need to staple my mouth shut before it opens...

[How I ended up Here]

He has proven alot to me..

 

 

what has he proven exactly? is he not with his wife still?

 

of course he is going to stick around now and put up with all the nasty things you say to him because he wants you to be his OW, it's to his benefit to have you. you fill in all the voids he has at home...and he does not need to mobalize his home life for you.

 

 

there are really two options, you either grin and bare it and trust that you will get what you need from him eventually (just won't happen if you continue being the OW) or just end it.

 

I ended it, he moved out... a month later he contacted me to tell me he was out for good. he is getting divorced. Staying in the rel with him and saying hurtful things to (as I was in the last month before did NC) was going to be destructive both for us and my own sanity. who needs all that drama?

[yousaveme]

He has proven alot to me..

 

 

what has he proven exactly? is he not with his wife still?

 

of course he is going to stick around now and put up with all the nasty things you say to him because he wants you to be his OW, it's to his benefit to have you. you fill in all the voids he has at home...and he does not need to mobalize his home life for you.

 

 

there are really two options, you either grin and bare it and trust that you will get what you need from him eventually (just won't happen if you continue being the OW) or just end it.

 

I ended it, he moved out... a month later he contacted me to tell me he was out for good. he is getting divorced. Staying in the rel with him and saying hurtful things to (as I was in the last month before did NC) was going to be destructive both for us and my own sanity. who needs all that drama?

 

 

Your right I dont need that added drama...Yes he is home but for some important reasons.( His kids).

 

What we have been arguing about isnt about his home life. I know about that.

 

I guess its my hormone levels and some past issues and both of us being so hard headed.

[norajane]

I think blaming things on hormone levels is a cop out. Sure, your hormones might - might - be making you feel your emotions more deeply, but your emotions and bad feelings would still be there even if your hormone levels were perfectly normal. Whatever it is you are arguing about, would still be bothering you. You have to face those underlying issues and look at them head-on.

[How I ended up Here]

you seemed to have missed the point or I have missed your question:

 

Are you happy being the OW? If you are then my points do not pertain to you and I misundertood your query.

 

If you are NOT happy being the OW. THAT is the reason for all the arguing. It is the fact that you are not getting your needs met, you are frustrated for being with someone who will only give you half of what he can give you and you are lashing out in arguments because of this.

 

Look deep inside and figure out why you are extra angry at him lately, the answer is always within. ;-)

[Buttaflyy]

Maybe it's resentment on both parts. For whatever reasons?

[yousaveme]

I think blaming things on hormone levels is a cop out. Sure, your hormones might - might - be making you feel your emotions more deeply, but your emotions and bad feelings would still be there even if your hormone levels were perfectly normal. Whatever it is you are arguing about, would still be bothering you. You have to face those underlying issues and look at them head-on.

 

 

Its me not forgetting and letting go of the past. I want answers that maybe i will never get i guess. He gives me answers , he lets me talk. I still cry and I can still feel all those horrible feelings.

[yousaveme]

you seemed to have missed the point or I have missed your question:

 

Are you happy being the OW? If you are then my points do not pertain to you and I misundertood your query.

 

If you are NOT happy being the OW. THAT is the reason for all the arguing. It is the fact that you are not getting your needs met, you are frustrated for being with someone who will only give you half of what he can give you and you are lashing out in arguments because of this.

 

Look deep inside and figure out why you are extra angry at him lately, the answer is always within. ;-)

 

No im not happy being the OW...I know that time will end. As for looking deep down inside. Sure I get upset with certain things that come with being the OW for the time being.

 

But i know it has to do with the past. As for the hormones sometimes I think that is it or brings in the extra fuel because it seems to happen certain times. And i still cry about it...

[yousaveme]

Maybe it's resentment on both parts. For whatever reasons?

 

 

I just need to stop this feeling I cant let go of...Why cant I just look at the now...And what that is...

[Buttaflyy]

I just need to stop this feeling I cant let go of...Why cant I just look at the now...And what that is...

 

Because that's what resentment is all about. It's that feeling of being stuck in a place of unforgiveness (only word that comes to mind right now), I guess. You don't mean it, but you look toward the resented person with a sort of disdain for the way things are. I think you resent the fact that your situation is the way it is. I think you resent the fact that you can't just be with him exclusivley.

 

When you think about resentment (if you do infact think this is it), what reasons come to your mind? Can they be changed or are they part of the deal with you guys being together? Are they things you should except or not?

[Buttaflyy]

Why cant I just look at the now...And what that is...

 

Also, maybe you are unhappy with the now and that's why you can't let it go. You know what you deserve and what you have. Are they all wrapped up into one? Maybe you don't want to accept the "now" the "way it is".

[yousaveme]

Because that's what resentment is all about. It's that feeling of being stuck in a place of unforgiveness (only word that comes to mind right now), I guess. You don't mean it, but you look toward the resented person with a sort of disdain for the way things are. I think you resent the fact that your situation is the way it is. I think you resent the fact that you can't just be with him exclusivley.

 

When you think about resentment (if you do infact think this is it), what reasons come to your mind? Can they be changed or are they part of the deal with you guys being together? Are they things you should except or not?

 

I think im stuck in the break up...I am stuck with that pain. I cant change any of it. It happened. I think about what i said , what he said. I think about every little thing... I come here and read all these stories, from both sides...And I think. And when I try and apply it to here. It doesnt fit. And I get confused . I have no choice but to accept what happened it happened...Its not part of the deal with being together. He has tried to make me look past it.. He tries to work with me about it all the time.

[yousaveme]

Also, maybe you are unhappy with the now and that's why you can't let it go. You know what you deserve and what you have. Are they all wrapped up into one? Maybe you don't want to accept the "now" the "way it is".

 

 

maybe i do overanaylze things

[NearlyThere]

I just need to stop this feeling I cant let go of...Why cant I just look at the now...And what that is...

 

I tried to look at the now only, but it just doesn't seem to work. The trouble is what it comes down to is you want to be with him full-time and you know really really deep down inside yourself that the chances of this happening are practically zilch. So all the time you want a full-time partner, then your mind is going to think into the future.

 

As to thinking its your hormones causing the problem. I dont know about that but I will say that its very time consuming being the OW, it fills your thoughts morning, noon and night, I would say that it rises tensions in your body which reflects into emotional outburst, whether it be crying or arguing. People at work keep saying to me I've become really stroppy.

 

If I get the rose coloured tints on, I think what that would be like in reality either for me or him or his family. The reality of what we would like to happen is going to be bleak and unpleasant for at least a few people. That makes my blood run cold.

 

If you've read any of my posts you know i'm an OW, well nearly exOW, as well, so i'm not having a go at you or trying to make "one size fit all", its just I seem to see alot of the things I have felt reflected in your posts. I wish I could tell you it gets better, but it doesn't. It will probably take just one minor incident to become your final straw, which is what normally seems to happen. Hope I havent spoken out of turn or misinterpreted anything.

[noforgiveness]

I think im stuck in the break up...I am stuck with that pain. I cant change any of it. It happened. I think about what i said , what he said. I think about every little thing... I come here and read all these stories, from both sides...And I think. And when I try and apply it to here. It doesnt fit. And I get confused . I have no choice but to accept what happened it happened...Its not part of the deal with being together. He has tried to make me look past it.. He tries to work with me about it all the time.

 

 

that's because you know in your heart that after the break up you were not to betray yourself by seeing him again unless he left his wife. You didn't and he got his way and has his cake. I'm sorry but i think you know this.

[Buttaflyy]

I'm sorry you're feeling bad yousaveme, but I get this too. I think you are beyond him now. I think you've been hurt more than you may like to admit and that's why you're resentful. I think you know and feel that you shouldn't have gone back.