The girlfriend Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 I've been dating a guy now for 9 months. He divorced his wife 1 year ago. His divorce was amicable. So amicable that she spent Thanksgiving dinner with us. Now, Christmas is around the corner and she bought my bf a gift. He now feels compelled to buy her one. As a compromise, he wants the gift to be from the both of us. His explanation for all of this is that it's best for the kid's sake. (ages 12 & 14). He will also visit with her and the kids at her house on Christmas day to watch the kids open gifts. I am having a difficult time accepting all of this. Am I wrong to feel that way or does anyone find this inappropriate?
whichwayisup Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 I can understand you not liking it, but honestly, you have no choice in the matter. Their kids are LUCKY that they have parents who get along and can spend time together on various holidays! Try to put your personal feelings aside and know that it's best for the kids. It's not inappropriate at all, so somehow you're going to have to deal with her being part of your lives for a long time. She isn't going anywhere seeing as she's the mom of their children. I suggest you get to know her, because if you ARE staying in his life, you'll be step-mom to the kids. Don't feel threatened, they are divorced.
Guest Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 I've been dating a guy now for 9 months. He divorced his wife 1 year ago. His divorce was amicable. So amicable that she spent Thanksgiving dinner with us. Now, Christmas is around the corner and she bought my bf a gift. He now feels compelled to buy her one. As a compromise, he wants the gift to be from the both of us. His explanation for all of this is that it's best for the kid's sake. (ages 12 & 14). He will also visit with her and the kids at her house on Christmas day to watch the kids open gifts. I am having a difficult time accepting all of this. Am I wrong to feel that way or does anyone find this inappropriate? Boy, does this sound framilur. I also went into a realashionship where I indeed did trust my so. Until a year later the truth finally came out. When she told me they had sex that day. However, not all men are pigs he may mean well, so for now trust him and go with him when he goes there to do the present thing I mean she was at your house for Thanksgiving wasn't she lol =) But, remember sometimes to much is exactly that to much always go with your gut instinct typically it's right!
CardPlay3r Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 I am having a difficult time accepting all of this. Am I wrong to feel that way or does anyone find this inappropriate? Yes, you are wrong in my opinion...he has the right to be friends with whomever he wants to, and so do you or everyone else
blind_otter Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 I am having a difficult time accepting all of this. Am I wrong to feel that way or does anyone find this inappropriate? You not wrong to feel any way but feeling this way will only cause you stress and anger. It is necessary for your boyfriend to remain friends with the ex-wife because of the children. It helps them co-parent effectively without having to stay in a relationship, so everybody wins. Somehow you need to come to terms with this and if you can't, don't take it out on your boyfriend. He's only trying to parent his children.
BareGoddess Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 We spend almost every holiday with my H's ex and her H. And no, I don't have a problem with it. Why should you? It says a lot about your b/f's character. And afterall, he's with YOU isn't he? If he had something to hide, would he be so open about it all?
The girlfriend Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 There's more to it than just the holidays....I just didn't go into it all...I guess the holiday's is what bothers me the most. They speak/email nearly everyday. My bf lives w/his mother and his ex visits with her for hours at a time. He lives in the house they shared together. She has the code to get into the house and lets herself in whenever she desires. (I have asked that she call us before coming over so I'm not shocked when she comes walking through the door. She has obliged) She helps herself to things out of cabinets and drawers as she is familiar with where everything is. They eat dinner together occasionally...sometimes without me. They had considered going on a traditional yearly trip together...I would be included as well...but that would have just make me uncomfortable. As it turned out, she had surgery and couldn't go. My bf's mother lives with him and she offered assistance to the ex as she was recovering from surgery. She stayed overnight in his house with his kids for a week. While decorating his tree, his daughter found my BF's and his ex's "First Christmas" ornament and put it on the tree. He hasn't removed it because he doesn't want to make it any harder on the children. I would have been okay with a token gift at Christmas, something not too expensive or personal. The gift she got him is $75 - $100. We now have to reciprocate. I'm not fearful they will get back together again. But it all is just a little hard for me to handle. I was a little disappointed about the holidays as it was our first holiday together and I had to share it with the ex as well. I realize I need to accept and respect the ex as the mother of my bf's children and I do. We get along well. I just feel that a lot is being asked of me to accept all of this. I also think it's giving a confusing message to the kids who still expect everything to remain the same as they were when they were married. I am somewhat of a jealous (but usually rational) person....so I just need to know if I am overly sensitive or if other women would have an issue with a situation like this.
whichwayisup Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 I've been dating a guy now for 9 months. He divorced his wife 1 year ago Is it possible that you just dont' feel secure in the relationship? I just noticed the time frame, a divorce and then you two started a relationship less than 3 months after they split up...Are you thinking that he wants her back? Even though they are divorced?
whichwayisup Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 I realize I need to accept and respect the ex as the mother of my bf's children and I do. We get along well. I just feel that a lot is being asked of me to accept all of this. I also think it's giving a confusing message to the kids who still expect everything to remain the same as they were when they were married. I am somewhat of a jealous (but usually rational) person....so I just need to know if I am overly sensitive or if other women would have an issue with a situation like this. But this is how it is, so you either have to accept it or not. I'm sure it is hard to deal with but at the same time, it seems she's done nothing mean to you, or given you any indication that she is doing something sneaky... You have to get over your jealously and insecurities, with rational thinking, trusting your boyfriend and not reading into every part of the why's she's around. To be honest, this is a great senario for their kids - They're showing the kids that two people care about eachother, respect eachother enough to put personal feelings aside and work hard to keep the peace and happiness for them! How are the kids with you? Be a friend to them, someone they can talk to and trust. Make sure they know you aren't trying to replace their mom, but you ARE a part of their father's life too.
bab Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 I know it's hard, but when there are kids involved, it is never simple. As hard as it is for you, think how much harder it is for the kids. You had a choice to involve yourself with a man that was newly divorced with kids, but the kids didn't have a choice in the matter of their family splitting up. This divorce is still new and they are doing the best they can for the kids not to lose their sense of family. Unfortuantely, you need to learn to accept it the way it is.
CardPlay3r Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 There's more to it than just the holidays....I just didn't go into it all...I guess the holiday's is what bothers me the most. They speak/email nearly everyday. My bf lives w/his mother and his ex visits with her for hours at a time. He lives in the house they shared together. She has the code to get into the house and lets herself in whenever she desires. (I have asked that she call us before coming over so I'm not shocked when she comes walking through the door. She has obliged) She helps herself to things out of cabinets and drawers as she is familiar with where everything is. They eat dinner together occasionally...sometimes without me. They had considered going on a traditional yearly trip together...I would be included as well...but that would have just make me uncomfortable. As it turned out, she had surgery and couldn't go. My bf's mother lives with him and she offered assistance to the ex as she was recovering from surgery. She stayed overnight in his house with his kids for a week. While decorating his tree, his daughter found my BF's and his ex's "First Christmas" ornament and put it on the tree. He hasn't removed it because he doesn't want to make it any harder on the children. I would have been okay with a token gift at Christmas, something not too expensive or personal. The gift she got him is $75 - $100. We now have to reciprocate. I'm not fearful they will get back together again. But it all is just a little hard for me to handle. I was a little disappointed about the holidays as it was our first holiday together and I had to share it with the ex as well. I realize I need to accept and respect the ex as the mother of my bf's children and I do. We get along well. I just feel that a lot is being asked of me to accept all of this. I also think it's giving a confusing message to the kids who still expect everything to remain the same as they were when they were married. I am somewhat of a jealous (but usually rational) person....so I just need to know if I am overly sensitive or if other women would have an issue with a situation like this. Ok... I could find nothing wrong in all of this. He is his ex wife, the mother of his children. They are good friends, good for them, are you saying he shouldn't have good female friends?
dgiirl Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 I realize I need to accept and respect the ex as the mother of my bf's children and I do. We get along well. I just feel that a lot is being asked of me to accept all of this. Perhaps you are asking too much of yourself. You are totally entitled to your feelings. But you also consciously got involved with a divorced man with kids, and this seems to be part of HIS package. I dont think it's appropriate to expect a divorced father to change his family dynamics just because you entered into his life. So you either accept the situation, or you find another relationship that makes you more comfortable. Neither is right nor wrong, just how it is and what will make you ultimately happy. I also think it's giving a confusing message to the kids who still expect everything to remain the same as they were when they were married. No offense, but these are not your kids so I dont think it's your right to decide what is appropriate and what is not appropriate for their kids. Simply put, this is none of your business. I can see why you feel uncomfortable with their relationship, but dont drag the kids into the mess to validate your feelings. Own up to your feelings and simply acknowledge that their relationship makes you feel uncomfortable. Kids, no kids, makes zero difference. I am somewhat of a jealous (but usually rational) person....so I just need to know if I am overly sensitive or if other women would have an issue with a situation like this. Does it really matter what other women would feel comfortable or uncomfortable with? You are feeling uncomfortable. You are entitled to your feelings. Why look for outside validation for your feelings? Give yourself the validation you need. It's ok to feel upset. What you need to focus more on is what to do about those feelings.
blind_otter Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 I agree with dg - you may be asking too much of yourself. If you feel uncomfortable with the situation, set boundaries in the future for what type of man you would be more comfortable dating. Perhaps it would be better to date someone who doesn't come with all the excess baggage. I'm not saying break up with him, but this is the reality that you have to live with and yes, it is asking a lot to accept all this -- but what choice do you have? If you demand that she come over less you end up looking like a selfish and jealous girlfriend.
BareGoddess Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 I've said this a million times but this scenario is NOT for everyone. In fact, I recommend AGAINST it in most cases. I completely understand the way you feel because I thought my H and his ex had a little bit of an innapropriate relationship in that she used to call ALL the time about stuff that had NOTHING to do with their son. I did have to put a stop to that because sorry, but I don't agree that it was appropriate. Is he doing that? What is she calling and emailing about? Is it about the kids only? Did you mention whether she has a b/f or not? (Sorry, can't remember.) If there's a lot of contact that has nothing to do with the kids then I'm with you on that one. Have you talked to him about that? I mean it sounds like you're standing up for yourself and she's complying and not doing stuff that makes you uncomfortable. Otherwise, if the contact is all about the kids then there's not a damn thing you can do. These relationships are really hard and that's why I recommend against them. I almost gave on it myself many times. But I did work through it. I hope you can too.
CardPlay3r Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 Ok bare...why would is it inappropiate for them to be good friends too?
BareGoddess Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 Ok bare...why would is it inappropiate for them to be good friends too? Ok, I knew you'd be calling me on that. Why? Because it makes her uncomfortable. And if it makes her uncomfortable then it's wrong on his part. Look, I know what you're saying but the fact of the matter is that they DID used to have a relationship. It's not like they were ALWAYS just friends. Do you see what I'm saying? Contact regarding the kids is fine but beyond that if she doesn't like it, he should respect that. Period and end of story. He can continue the friendship but he risks losing his girlfriend. If it's worth it to do that then so be it. She may as well find that out now. What if you had a g/f whom you thought spent too much time or was getting too close to an ex. Wouldn't it bother you if you asked her to back off and she didn't?
norajane Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 Ok, I knew you'd be calling me on that. Why? Because it makes her uncomfortable. And if it makes her uncomfortable then it's wrong on his part. She's posted the same thread in another forum...I think I can see why she's uncomfortable now, even though she's not specifically citing this as the reason she's uncomfortable: They actually aren't divorced yet....they will remain married for another 4 years....too long and hard to explain. It was just easier to say they divorced. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t105958/
BareGoddess Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 She's posted the same thread in another forum...I think I can see why she's uncomfortable now, even though she's not specifically citing this as the reason she's uncomfortable: Ok, I'm really confused now...
CardPlay3r Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 Ok, I knew you'd be calling me on that. Why? Because it makes her uncomfortable. And if it makes her uncomfortable then it's wrong on his part. I'm sorry...but to me that's only valid if the thing that makes her uncomfortable is within reason...and deciding who HIS friends are is controlling. By that logic...say she gets uncomfortable if he drives a car, eats cereal instead of bacon for breakfast etc...does it mean he should just stop driving and eating cereal? Look bare...the thing is, if he wanted to cheat on her, there are a milion opportunities for that out there...seeing or not seeing his ex makes no difference there. To me it comes out as controlling on the OP's part...
BareGoddess Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 I'm sorry...but to me that's only valid if the thing that makes her uncomfortable is within reason...and deciding who HIS friends are is controlling. By that logic...say she gets uncomfortable if he drives a car, eats cereal instead of bacon for breakfast etc...does it mean he should just stop driving and eating cereal? Look bare...the thing is, if he wanted to cheat on her, there are a milion opportunities for that out there...seeing or not seeing his ex makes no difference there. To me it comes out as controlling on the OP's part... Bad analogy there. He can be friends with other people. There are many other people in the world to be friends with. And maybe later on, when they're relationship is more secure and more solid, it would be ok for him to be friends with the ex. It might just be a little too soon now. That's the way it worked anyway in my life. Oh and you can call me Goddess instead of "bare.";)
CardPlay3r Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 But I like bare better....sends a better image to my head Well thing is he was already friends or best friends with his ex when he met her...so renouncing his friendship with her would be really unfair to the ex and probably hurt her...I strongly believe people shouldn't change who they are or who their friends are when entering a relationship. I mean, recently a female friend of mine said she didn't want me to contact her when her boyfriend of 7 months arrived in town to stay for about 2 months so she wouldn't give him any "reasons for concern"...and that if I couldn't 'respect' that she wouldn't talk to me again Meh that was so messed up, totally unfair to me...to pretend like I didn't exist, no thx. So I guess that's ip...the OP gets to choose between our opposing points of view...
OceanBlue Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 I qualify as the ex wife...my ex and I talk frequently - and not always about the kids. We do everything in our power to ensure that the kids know that we still like each other and love them. We still exchange gifts although we haven't done the dinners. We usually talk every day, although there are occasions where we go a couple of days without communicating. I still call when I have questions about the car and he will call when he is trying to cook. It works for us and it works for our kids. In my situation, there is no way that we would reconcile.
whichwayisup Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 In my situation, there is no way that we would reconcile. And maybe this is just what the girlfriend needs to hear from him. That just because he is still in contact with his ex, that doesn't mean they're going to get back together.
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