SG told me he loves me!

[PoshPrincess]

Hi guys

 

Really don't know what to do. I am SO confused it's untrue. Last night SG (boyfriend of one month) told me he has fallen in love with me. Funnily, when we were in the pub earlier on in the evening I really wanted to say it to him but held back. I want to make sure I'm sober when/if I tell him, for one thing to make sure it isn't just boozy talk, but of course the other problem is the blasted MM! Once SG said it I knew I couldn't tell him I felt the same as it would look like I was saying it because he had, plus do I really feel that way or is it just lust? Am I just flattered by the undivided attention I am getting? I really don't know. The other thing that was stopping me saying it is that I know I still have feelings for MM although it's so long since we have seen each other it could just be memories. Other prob is that I KNOW I am a bit of a commitment-phobe so don't wanna let SG down. I love the buzz of a new relationship but always seem to get bored once things are 'normal'.

 

Ended up speaking to MM this afternoon thinking that in some weird way it might help, but it hasn't of course, and at the end of the day, whether speaking to him/seeing him makes me realise my feelings it makes no diff as he can't be with me anyway.

 

Thing is, I know that I would be really into SG by now if it wasn't for MM. There are SO many things about him that I love and we seem to be really compatible plus I feel like I have met my sexual equal which is brilliant (although I did feel that with MM too - 1st time in my life). Apart from the obvious diff of MM being married the things I like about them both are pretty similar, although intellectually I think SG is more on my wavelength than MM was. Speaking to MM made me realise that he still has the ability to make me laugh plus he is totally gorgeous! Looks wise MM SO does it for me. When MM used to look into my eyes it felt like there was no one else in the room. I just can't look at SG like that (at the moment).

 

Oh, I don't know WHAT I'm doing. I just want to forget MM, fall in love with SG and for everything to be straightforward but I guess it isn't that simple where feelings are involved and I don't help myself by getting in touch with MM. I KNOW he still has feelings for me but, as I said, that makes no diff to our sitch. He wants to take me out for a drink. Funny that, now he knows I'm seeing someone else, whereas before I couldn't pin him down for love nor money.

 

All I know is that at the moment SG is making me SO happy, happier than I have been for months and that's such a great feeling. Oh f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :confused: :confused:

[serial muse]

hi posh. i don't know, this particular board is weird and fraught because it's the OW/OM board, and i worry that (as a former BS) any advice i give is going to be automatically suspect here. but the fact that your ex is a MM seems incidental here, because the real issue is a pretty familiar one, regardless of whether the guy was married or not - basically, you have a great new prospect but you're still hung up on an ex and are worried that a. you're not really emotionally available to the new guy yet, and b. you're not emotionally available in general and therefore prefer jerks or something. so i can totally relate.

 

i'd just say, pleeeeease try to relax. it sounds like things are going well with SG, and that's awesome. i know it takes a long time to remove all lingering traces of someone who monopolized your heart and mind for so long, but everyone ending a bad relationship goes through that, and it sounds like you're well on your way. and of course, i advocate NC in general - whether it's a MM or any other kind of ex - in order to keep your head on straight. talking to any ex is never going to make your feelings for a new person clear. only you can do that. and you're doing fine. let it be.

 

and good luck!

[PoshPrincess]

hi posh. i don't know, this particular board is weird and fraught because it's the OW/OM board, and i worry that (as a former BS) any advice i give is going to be automatically suspect here. but the fact that your ex is a MM seems incidental here, because the real issue is a pretty familiar one, regardless of whether the guy was married or not - basically, you have a great new prospect but you're still hung up on an ex and are worried that a. you're not really emotionally available to the new guy yet, and b. you're not emotionally available in general and therefore prefer jerks or something. so i can totally relate.

 

i'd just say, pleeeeease try to relax. it sounds like things are going well with SG, and that's awesome. i know it takes a long time to remove all lingering traces of someone who monopolized your heart and mind for so long, but everyone ending a bad relationship goes through that, and it sounds like you're well on your way. and of course, i advocate NC in general - whether it's a MM or any other kind of ex - in order to keep your head on straight. talking to any ex is never going to make your feelings for a new person clear. only you can do that. and you're doing fine. let it be.

 

and good luck!

 

Thanks SM. It's good to hear some words of encouragement whether from an OW or BS. All advice helps greatly and I am always willing to hear anyone's opinion. I don't think your advice is suspect unless of course you are my ex-MMs W maybe? Sorry, that joke may be in poor taste!

 

I guess you're right about the irrelevance of my ex being an MM. Thinking back, the only other guy I've ever been in love with kind of had the same effect on me, although not to such a great extent. MM was the big love of my life that I waited 34 years to meet and I suppose I am scared that he will change his mind (as I said, I KNOW he still has feelings for me) and that I will end up either hurting SG or making the wrong decision entirely. In all reality I don't expect that really is going to happen and, even if it does, I will have to cross that bridge when I come to it.

[Art_Critic]

I think that you should only say it if you mean it..

 

If you love the guy tell him..

 

On a sidenote.. maybe you should stop labeling your BF SG.. he is your BF and your MM is now out of your life.. so rejoice in the fact that you no longer need to mention about your MM.

[PoshPrincess]

I think that you should only say it if you mean it..

 

If you love the guy tell him..

 

On a sidenote.. maybe you should stop labeling your BF SG.. he is your BF and your MM is now out of your life.. so rejoice in the fact that you no longer need to mention about your MM.

 

Hey yeah, I guess SG is no longer an SG. BF is cool, even though at my age I always wonder if 'boyfriend' sounds a bit insignificant or school-girl romance-ish, although I don't like the term 'partner' much either. I always referred to my ex-live in partner/boyfriend/whatever as my 'other half'. Not sure I was too keen on that either. Can you call a 40 year old man a 'boyfriend'? I suppose 'boyfriend' is pretty accurate for an early days R anyway. Perhaps a whole new thread on this needs to be started!

 

Thanks!

[PoshPrincess]

PS. I DO feel that I love him but, then again, I think I still love ex-MM and have never believed that you can love two people at the same time, certainly not in the same way. What do you think?

[norajane]

Can you call a 40 year old man a 'boyfriend'?

 

I do!

 

Sometimes I call him my SO, but it's usually BF, especially in real life (as opposed to LS).

Other prob is that I KNOW I am a bit of a commitment-phobe

In my mind, this is the crux of your problem. Because of the phobia, it's going to be harder for you to completely open up to this guy. The fear will make you hold back, whether your feelings for MM are the excuse/reason you tell yourself you're holding back, or whether it's some other excuse/reason.

 

Understanding that it's the fear talking, can help you recognize when you're holding back. Once you start recognizing it, then you can push past it a little at a time until you are well into a trusting, loving relatinship with your BF.

 

Next time you start comparing the two - BF and MM - just STOP. Don't allow yourself to compare them. Tell yourself something like, "there I go again, letting the fear drag me back into the past!" and stop, call a friend, go jogging, clean your garage, whatever - but make yourself deliberately stop thinking about MM.

 

Goes without saying that you should have NC with MM. There's nothing good that can come out of that, except to keep you slightly tied to him at the expense of your future.

[Art_Critic]

PS. I DO feel that I love him but, then again, I think I still love ex-MM

 

Let yourself experience what your BF can give you.. forget about the MM and give yourself to your BF and things will work out just fine..

 

Don't over analyze it.

 

By the way.. I'm 43 and my GF calls me her BF... I just grin when I hear it

[norajane]

PS. I DO feel that I love him but, then again, I think I still love ex-MM and have never believed that you can love two people at the same time, certainly not in the same way. What do you think?

 

You can love two people at the same time, but you can't love them in the same way.

 

You probably do love MM in some way. He was a big part of your life for a while, you took all kinds of risks and went against your better judgment to stay involved with him. That makes a huge impression on a person - an imprint, if you will, that is hard to just erase. It will fade.

 

You probably don't love your BF...yet. A month is not a very long time, and I firmly believe that love is something that can only develop over time - when you get to know a person under all kinds of circumstances, good, bad, and indifferent. When you have his best interests at heart, when you are giving of yourself, you will be on your way to developing love. It grows over time.

 

You might be in love, or are falling in love, with your BF. That's different from love - it's the magical, special, sparkly part of love that helps you open your heart to someone. That can develop into love, but you have to give of yourself in order for it to do so.

[BeenThere22]

Posh, you're in a good place - I can only wish I was there too. I'm still hung up and involved with a MW - a situation I know has little hope of going where I'd like it to go. If I ran across someone available who I had strong feelings for (or who I thought I could develop strong feelings for), I'd distance myself from the MW. Keeping in touch with your MM is only bound to confuse you and keep hope alive where there may be none. His feelings are irrelevant in the face of is actions (or inaction).

 

Give SG your full attention and convince yourself that MM is in your past. Be thankful that you are in a relationship that truly has potential.

[PoshPrincess]

Thanks for all your advice guys. I know I have to cut all contact with MM and I am feeling a lot more positive today. I have decided that if he calls I will tell him that there is no way we can stay in touch. As you have all said (and I know) there is nothing to be gained by speaking to/seeing him whatsoever.

 

I haven't seen my counsellor for a while but have another appointment with her next week so hopefully that will help too.

 

BeenThere22 - you WILL get there. As much as I didn't want to get involved with anyone for a while I really think getting together with my new BF has improved my frame of mind greatly. Even if he doesn't turn out to be 'the one' he has obviously come into my life for a reason. He's taking me away this weekend and I am really looking forward to it. No one has ever treated me so well and I am going to make the most of it. He's LOVELY!

[oyster]

Posh, you're in a good place - I can only wish I was there too. I'm still hung up and involved with a MW - a situation I know has little hope of going where I'd like it to go. If I ran across someone available who I had strong feelings for (or who I thought I could develop strong feelings for), I'd distance myself from the MW. Keeping in touch with your MM is only bound to confuse you and keep hope alive where there may be none. His feelings are irrelevant in the face of is actions (or inaction).

 

Give SG your full attention and convince yourself that MM is in your past. Be thankful that you are in a relationship that truly has potential.

 

thanks I second this opinion. I am the OM with a MW, I will take this advice.

 

Focus 100% of your effort on your new Boyfriend

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I'm so very happy that something "good" is happening. Here is a situation where you can honestly live in the day. Enjoy that. Watch out that you don't sabotage your self while grieving for MM. It's great to hear some good news on OW/M board! Hurray for you, and your upcoming get-a-way!

[puddleofmud]

I am sooooo happy for you! This is so wonderful to hear you sounding so giddy and excited--and who the 'eff cares how "old" you may be!

The fact is that YOU ARE LOVEABLE! Not that you didn't already know that...I am just happy happy happy that someone validated that for you.

And I also understand that you may feel cautious.

I feel it's alright to tell your guy that you "feeeel" that you are falling in love with him, but because you are a cautious individual "by nature" (doesn't mean that this nature started the day you were born or just yesterday) and that you two haven't known each other for very long...

That you would like to give it a little more time before becoming committed to the "L" word. You could soften this by letting him know that you are willing to commit to HIM and no other, tell him (should it be true) that HE is the ONLY one you want, that you can't stop thinking about him, can't wait for him to call, etc. That isn't playing games, but is the truth if that is how you feel! And it is reasonable considering the length of the relationship.

And have FUN, darling! Nothing puts a pretty smile on a woman's face like the one she has when she feels loved and excited about it.

Subsequently, you may find yourself crawled by every male that walks (what a terrible predicament!).

'scuse my spelling...

Hugs!!!

[PoshPrincess]

Thanx Puddle. Last night was a bit of a bad one as I felt in turmoil thinking about MM v BF, if you know what I mean. I told BF I love him on Tuesday which I was (and still am) totally cool about. It's scary but in a good way. I think I had too much time on my hands to think yesterday as my son was ill so I took the day off and spent all day at home with him. Anyhow, today I feel really positive again. I have my work Xmas lunch this afternoon and then off to Amsterdam tomorrow so all good!

 

Bring it on!!!!!

[puddleofmud]

Hope your son is feeling better! Have a lovely time!

 

I am soooo envious...