Do you think he slept with her?

[kellytheidiot]

I am trying to figure out if my bf slept with a woman he lied to me about. He told me that he never stopped at her house before but his son outed him and told me that yes they've been there (he's 7 and no reason to lie) and my bf admitted that yes, he did hang out with her and take his son over there. and yes, she liked him and wanted to have a relationship with him. But my bf says that he wasn't attracted to her, would never do anything with her. She was pregnant at the time they started hanging out and had her baby in sept. He says he's been stopping at her house about once every two weeks for the last four months behind my back. When i asked him why he didnt' even tell me of her existence he says beacuse he thought I would get jealous and mad and not want to be with him. He says I was "never supposed to find out". he swears up and down he never slept with her and says he understands why i wouldnt' trust him and that he's sorry and knows words alone can't make it up to me. He says it was totally innocent and he never had any feelings for her that he just needed someone to talk to about his problems with me. He says thats all they did is talk about stuff. He said he even met her boyfriend recently when he stopped at her house.

 

I am so angry at him right now, if it were just him I"d leave in a heartbeat. but I'm very attached to his son and vice versa and his son's mother abandoned him (sees him twice a year if that) and I don't want to do the same. We've been "together" for 2 years and I dont want to throw it away if nothing actually happened. If he did sleep with her then thats a deal breaker and I 'll never speak to him again. He says I can talk to this girl (he gave me her # but it is disconnected because she has no job), and he showed me where she lived if I want to stop and talk to her. If she really does/did like him I think she would tell me they did have sex just so I"ll leave him and she can have him. So I dont think she would lie and say they didnt' have sex if they really did (to protect him) because then he wouldn't be with her. he says they were just friends although his son said that he saw his dad kiss her on the cheek and that they laid down on her bed together looking at pictures. I am so upset and just want answers.

[Kathleen2260]

This is a tough one- being that he lied to you already about important things, you can't trust what he tells you. I would probably confront the other woman (well confront isnt' really a good word) and see what she has to say. If she was having an affair or even had strong feelings for him she will probably tell you the truth (if she did have sex with him) so you will leave him and she can start a relationship with him. Again, its hard to know what to believe. I've been there, you have to look back at everything your boyfriend did and try to see if he was acting differently around the time he was seeing her. Did you have sex less or more frequently? Was he as attentive or more attentive than normal? Did he behave differently or was sex any different between the two of you? Those are some clues.

[norajane]

Take the high road. Invite her and her boyfriend over for dinner. Or, if she can't get away with the baby, suggest that you and your bf and his son go over to her place for dinner with her and her bf. Bring take out and make it a couples night.

 

If he's willing to have you meet her and talk with her, it's probably not an affair.

[Kathleen2260]

norajane, while i agree in some cases this is a good idea, if her boyfriend hid the fact that he even talked to this girl I doubt he is going to invite her to meet his girlfriend. Or he might have already talked to her and told her what to say to his girlfriend if she asks. I know that when my boyfriend was having an emotional affair with his married ex, at my suggestion I told him to invite her and her husband to dinner. We all went out, seemed to have a good time, and i felt more comfortable but found out much later that her husband was never even told that my boyfriend and his wife used to date (she told him she and I were friends when it was maybe the 2nd time i'd talked to her) also when I expressed concerns to my boyfriend about this he berated me for not trying to be friends with her. Meanwhile he was writing letters to her about how he thought about her all the time and wanted to be with her! so just becaue they are willing to meet doesnt' mean all is well. Although I agree the poster should talk to this girl because often a woman scorned will be more than happy to spill the details if there are any.

[alphamale]

yep he banged her...

[Ladyjane14]

He says he's been stopping at her house about once every two weeks for the last four months behind my back. When i asked him why he didnt' even tell me of her existence he says beacuse he thought I would get jealous and mad and not want to be with him. He says I was "never supposed to find out". he swears up and down he never slept with her and says he understands why i wouldnt' trust him and that he's sorry and knows words alone can't make it up to me. He says it was totally innocent and he never had any feelings for her that he just needed someone to talk to about his problems with me.

 

Tough call on if there was actual sex or not. Personally, if it was me... I'd get tested for STD's.

If you're a young woman, and you want kids of your own someday... don't risk your future fertility on a 'maybe'... let alone your actual life.

 

At the absolute minimum... the relationship was inappropriate if he's supposedly committed to you. And he KNEW it was inappropriate all along... otherwise he wouldn't have felt the need to keep it a secret.

 

Your best bet is to treat it like an affair. Your choices are to abandon the relationship, or to repair it. If you elect to stay in... you'll need to set some boundaries.

 

You might, for example, insist on couples counseling. Lord knows, the boy doesn't have a leg to stand on in avoiding it, since his communication skills are apparently so very poor as to require another whole person's presence in the relationship.

Also, as recommended by many experts, you might insist on NO CONTACT with the OW.... ever.

 

Realistically, you can set any boundaries you like. My advice to you would be to limit them to your absolute deal-breakers, and then negotiate on everything else.

 

It's possible that you might NEVER know to what extent this affair has gone. So, you need to think about how you really feel about that, and if you can find a way to put it behind you and move on.

 

There's utterly no point in asking the OW though. She's just as likely to lie to you on his behalf as to tell you the truth. It's a 50/50 proposition at best.

 

OW's have to walk a fairly narrow path if you think about it. If she disappoints the married/committed man... she risks the loss of the entire relationship. It's VERY common for a betrayed wife to pick up the phone, call the OW, and then hear the "we're just good friends" story.

[LakesideDream]

Hey, you describe him as your BF. Your dating right? Maybe shacking up? There is a reason you are not a married couple.

 

Now's the time to pull the plug. You have no investment you cannot afford to discard. If he's a good guy, maybe he will work to straighten out the problems the two of you have. If he's fooling around... so be it.

[kellytheidiot]

Well I saw my bf (ex as of right now) last night because I missed his son. We met at a public place and talked about the situation. Well it started off with him yelling at me because HE is upset about something I did a year and a half ago that I just now told him about. In an effort to let him see that I am not perfect or maybe it was just in the hopes of hurting him I told him something I'd lied to him about- on one of our breaks a year and a half ago I told him my ex and I were going to the mall, instead my ex and I stayed at my apartment and watched a movie. Nothing happened. I deliberately told my bf this because I didn't want him stopping at my apartment and starting trouble with my ex.

 

Yes, it was a lie but he KNEW about my ex, knows we're still friends and I told him back then that my ex had been to my apartment before. So it was a one time thing and it was with someoen my bf had met and talked with. but right now he is FURIOUS at me because I LIED TO HIM. what a hypocrite huh!! He thinks what I did is just as bad if not worse than what he did. I beg to differ- he didnt' even tell me of this girl's existence (I call her a girl because she is ten years younger than him-19) He never ONCE mentioned her name to me, told me that he talked to her and in the last week that I"ve found out about her he's continuously LIED to me. First by telling me it was his friend's wife on the phone (he had a whole story on that one) when in fact it was this girl.

 

Then he told me he'd NEVER been to her house, they just talked on the phone, that he didnt' even know where she lived. When in fact he has stopped at her house quite often in the last few months!!!! and he even brought his son with him. He claims they were just friends and poor him (boo hoo) I am so mean because I don't understand that and I am trying to control him (even though he is the one who volunteered to end all contact with her) He wants me to visit her and find out for myself that nothing happened as he claims. He says he's met her bf and they get along and that he just needed her to talk to (about his problems with me). He then "threatened" me that if he is in a bad mood it is my fault because I won't let him talk to her and that is his stress relief when he has problems with me. He said he is upset right now because he has no one (except his guy friends at work) to talk to about our problems. Well too bad. HE is the one who caused this mess and if he even wants to remain friends with me then she is out of the picture.

 

If he had told me about her in the first place I"d have no problem with him seeing her once in awhile to chat. But this is ridiculous!! They live in the same town and I live about a half hour away and he tells me they "run into" each other in town a lot. That she was in line behind him at the gas station and so they pulled over to the side and talked for a while (a few weeks before I found out).

 

I wrote down a list of my questions about what happened between them and told him I want the answers in writing (so he can't change his story) I don't know what I'll do next. I know I should never talk to him again and if it weren't for his son thats exactly what I"d do. I know I"ll never trust him again. I just don't understand if she was just a friend and it was so innocent why in the h*ll would he hide this whole part of his life from me?? His excuse was that I would get mad/jealous/suspect something was going on. Its so ironic that my bf, who is insecure from being cheated on in the past and who practically demands to know every single guy I talk to, would hide/lie to me about another woman.

[whichwayisup]

HE has cheated. His reactions and the way he is yelling at you is probably a reflection of what he is doing now.

[crazy_grl]

Get him to write out how she means nothing to him and how much he wants you back. Then go over and talk to her. If she denies anything happened say, "Oh, good. That's what he wrote to me in this letter, but I wasn't sure I could believe it all." Then let her read it. If she is sleeping with him, seeing that he wrote she doesn't mean anything may convince her that he's not worth lying over. Better yet, record him saying it, that way she knows for certain that it's coming from him.

 

Ooops, I think I've been watching too much TV.

 

You should probably just let him stay dumped and move on. There's no reason or excuse for lying about this even if he wasn't sleeping with her.

[BeenAround_N_Back]

Yup, if he is lying to you about little things than I am pretty sure he is lying to you about the bigger stuff.... I don't think you need an 8 ball to tell you that... but your judgement is clouded at the moment, i can understand that.

[kellytheidiot]

Well my ex and I have been talking and trying to work things out- he has answered any questions I have-sometimes he gets impatient. He wrote down the answers to all of my questions as I asked so I can see if he changes his story (he doesnt know thats why I asked him to do it) He also has had no contact with the OW or whatever I should call her. He still says he didn't tell me he was talking to her or that he stopped at her house because he thought I'd get jealous and jump to the conclusion that he was sleeping with her.

 

He said he needed a female friend to talk to. I still dont' agree with that and think something bad was going on. I have this note he wrote in which he says bad things about the OW (that she's ugly, that she's too heavy for her age and height, that he thinks it's gross that I think he would have sex with her, that he thought she was psycho and told her she needed to get help. He also says that he didn't know she had a boyfriend until he stopped over one day and her boyfriend was there.

 

He said the boyfriend was very nice nad they all hung out together for a few hours. He said he thought she might have a boyfriend because there would be times she and my ex would be talking on the phone and someone would show up at her house and she'd get off the phone.

 

I want to believe that he didn't sleep with her- I mean if I showed this girl this note he wrote me, and the parts that badmouth her I think if they did do anythign she woudl be happy to rub that in my face just to spite him. I want to believe him (not sure why after he obviously lied to me so many times) I"ve told him that if I ever find out he had sex with her (and I find out from someone else) that I will never speak to him or see his son again. So that its better to just tell me know (and not hurt his son) than us getting along or becoming friends again or even a couple and then I find out and leave for good. So far he hasn't budged and still says its ridiculous to think that he slept with her.

 

The things that dont' make sense to me are 1) he didn't tell me about her adn when she called he lied and lied and lied about who she was. So I was NEVER meant to find out about her.

 

2) his son says she got upset/mad at my ex when the son started talking about me (she knew about me,but didn't know at first that my ex and I were dating and the son spilled the beans.

 

3) he's offered to take me to meet her, let me call her (phone is disconnected) and I don't see why he'd offer to do this especially now that I have all the horrible things he's said about her in writing that I could easily show her. I would think if there were something to hide he wouldnt' want me to have any contact with her.

 

4) I should be really upset with him and never forgive him for lying to me, but because of his son I don't have as many bad feelings toward him anymore.

[Kathleen2260]

The things that dont' make sense to me are 1) he didn't tell me about her adn when she called he lied and lied and lied about who she was. So I was NEVER meant to find out about her.

 

 

 

Ok so it sounds like you are still on the fence as whether or not you are through with this guy. I'll tell you, I have male friends and my boyfriend has either met them or knows of them. I can see no reason that your guy would have a female friend who you have never met or heard of unless there is something to hide. I can't tell you that he did have sex with this woman because only your boyfriend and this woman know the answer to this. But the fact that he continued to lie to you about things even after he was exposed shows that he probably isn't being totally honest now. It seems like some cheaters need the proof rubbed in their faces before they will admit to anything. My boyfriend had an emotional thing going with his ex and he swore up and down that "nothing" was going on, that he didn't have ANY feelings for her, that she was a just a friend. I found out about eight months later, when I found a draft of a note he'd written to her about how he couldn't stop thinking about her and wanted to see her. Up unti I found this proof he lied his ass off to protect himself. I suspect your boyfriend is doing the same.

 

If having sex with another women while in a relationship iwth you is a deal breaker, i suggest you call it quits because you will probably never know. Even if you ask his little girlfriend, she may lie to protect him or may lie to hurt him depending on how the situation ended. So can you be with him not knowing the truth and knowing he's capable (very easily it sounds like) of being dishonest with you?

[Mz. Pixie]

HE has cheated. His reactions and the way he is yelling at you is probably a reflection of what he is doing now.

 

AMEN!

 

He gets impatient when you ask him questions??

 

Let's get this straight. The burden of recovery from this is on his plate, not yours. He should answer questions until the end of time if you need that. The fact that he gets irritated and doesn't want to doesn't bode well.

 

I seriously do not believe that any man visits a woman that often and are not having sex with them. My H has two or three female friends that he has known for up to 18 years but he doesn't visit them every two weeks. If he did and lied about it, that would be a deal breaker in our relationship.

 

Wake up here hon and smell the coffee. He's been having an affair.

[kellytheidiot]

AMEN!

 

He gets impatient when you ask him questions??

 

Let's get this straight. The burden of recovery from this is on his plate, not yours. He should answer questions until the end of time if you need that. The fact that he gets irritated and doesn't want to doesn't bode well.

 

I seriously do not believe that any man visits a woman that often and are not having sex with them. My H has two or three female friends that he has known for up to 18 years but he doesn't visit them every two weeks. If he did and lied about it, that would be a deal breaker in our relationship.

 

Wake up here hon and smell the coffee. He's been having an affair.

 

 

 

I know I am probably in denial. I just don't want to believe that I"ve wasted a few years of my life getting to know him and his son. I'm almost like a 2nd mother to his son as his real mother wants nothing to do with him. If it were just the guy I'd cut and run. But all the females in his son's life have abandoned him at one time or another. Even his aunt used to see him every other weekend and when she started dating someone she would tell the boy she would be there to pick him up and not show up.

 

But enough about that- yes I would agree that a guy stopping at a females house that often normally means they are up to something. But she was pregnant for two of the months (her eight and nine month is when he started talking to her) and I"m not sure as I"ve never been pregnant but I would think sex wouldn't be a top priority at that time) and he's talked to her for two months after she gave birth to her daughter. Also his son has gone with him to visit her almost every time (because his son is with him 90% of the time) and he admits he was there once or twice (which I say double that) by himself which is what I worry about.

 

I really can't figure out what to do until I talk to this girl. I'm thinking of taking this note he wrote (in which he says some pretty crappy things about her appearance and her personality and how he was not attracted to her at all.) I think that if someone I slept with had those things to say about me I"d be pretty mad and I"m hoping she will blow his cover if he is hiding anything.

[crazy_grl]

But she was pregnant for two of the months (her eight and nine month is when he started talking to her) and I"m not sure as I"ve never been pregnant but I would think sex wouldn't be a top priority at that time)

 

Just an FYI. From what I've heard, many women have increased sex drive during pregnancy. Google it and you'll see what I'm talking about. That doesn't mean he was sleeping with her, but just because she was pregnant doesn't mean he wasn't.

[Porn_Guy]

come on! get real...of course he was doing her

[crazy_grl]

I really can't figure out what to do until I talk to this girl. I'm thinking of taking this note he wrote (in which he says some pretty crappy things about her appearance and her personality and how he was not attracted to her at all.) I think that if someone I slept with had those things to say about me I"d be pretty mad and I"m hoping she will blow his cover if he is hiding anything.

 

If you go talk to her, please keep in mind that she's a person with feelings and even if she slept with your bf, it was his choice to make. Being that she's 19 and he's 10 years older than her, he's probably doing some heavy duty manipulation. 19 year old girls are usually easily influenced by older men.

 

Unless she acts like a complete biotch, have some compassion for her.

[kellytheidiot]

If you go talk to her, please keep in mind that she's a person with feelings and even if she slept with your bf, it was his choice to make. Being that she's 19 and he's 10 years older than her, he's probably doing some heavy duty manipulation. 19 year old girls are usually easily influenced by older men.

 

Unless she acts like a complete biotch, have some compassion for her.

 

I don't have a problem with the girl- it's not like she knew he was taken and went after him. If he did sleep with her HE is the one who is at fault, and he is the one who is going to receive the brunt of my anger, not her. I want to talk to her because he tries to make her out to be this crazy, psycho, unstable person and sorry I think that is a bunch of bull because if she was so unpleasant to be around then why would he visit her?

 

I actually feel bad for her because she was pregnant and in an abusive situation and my boyfriend helped her get out of that situation and then she was all alone and pregnant and to this day has no contact with the baby's father, she doesn't even get child support, she has no job and she lives in a crappy little trailer by herself (and baby).

 

The only reason I want to show her the note my boyfriend (ex) wrote answering my questions is because he bad mouthed her (called her ugly, psycho, said the idea of having sex with her was totally gross and that her body is disgusting and not attractive to him at all.) I know this is harsh but according to him, he is not worried about her finding this out because he says she already knows he feels this way about her.

 

I think that if she doesn't know, she will be upset by his thoughts and she may tell me what really happened to get even with him. Or if she does know she may just laugh it off and tell me nothing happened. But I think if she ever had feelings for him she will be angry at him and more than willing to confess what happened.

 

I talked to him last night and he said he wants me to talk to her ASAP so "we can get over this" because he says I'm not going to find out anything bad. I'm not buying the whole 'she's ugly, not attractive, too fat, I'd never sleep with her' story because I have a guy friend (and we've been friends forever so I don't judge him) who is FWB with this 250 lb woman he works with.

 

He has no problem having sex with her but refuses to be seen with her in public and if anyone where they both work found out about this arrangement he would just die. He refuses to take her anywhere in public and even tells her that he doesn't find her attractive. I know, I know he's an idiot. But just proves my point that my bf doesn't have to find someone attractive to have sex with her.