CrossRhodes Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 I became attracted to a co-worker about 2 years ago. It happened while I was separating from my wife of 10 years – we had been estranged for some time. I had the soulmate experience (yes, I know) and the sparks flew between us constantly. A year into it, we started dating but I soon discovered I wasn’t ready for it. So we agreed to stop dating as it wasn’t really working at the time. We stayed good friends and communicated a lot through the work email. We never talked about feelings but we always made each other laugh and generally supported each other. I found myself still in love with her but I could never gauge how she felt because she wouldn’t talk about it. I’ve asked her to lunch a few times, but she knocks me back most times. I have now lost confidence to ask her anymore. Once in a while, she asks me along to grab fast food nearby, and we talk for about half an hour. A few times a week, she asks me to come out and join her in a cigarette break. She never really tells me what is going on in her life. I feel so pathetic because I long for her company and attention so much. I think I do this because I really want her to open up to me again. Once when she knocked back my lunch invitation, I told her that I felt something was missing in our friendship – emotional honesty. She eventually replied that she thought things were fine as they were and that she liked the “space and distance”. I really don’t know what to think of her anymore. I love her dearly and I’m trying hard to preserve the friendship, but she has all the power and it’s taking a terrible toll on me. We swap dozens of emails a day yet the relationship never progresses towards its old heights. It’s like I’m at war with myself. The strong rational part of me says “this is not worth it”, but the little child within me wants her at all costs. I feel like a confused teenager most days instead of a rational thirtysomething. Has anyone here ever experienced this feeling? I feel like I’m in the grip of a disease. It’s destroying me and making me miserable and depressed.
InLimbo2 Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 I think this one is pretty easy. You had a 'soul mate' experience - and I'm assuming she did too. You danced around it a year - then dated a short time - then you bailed out on a romantic involvement with her because you weren't ready for it. Now you want many of the benefits of a relationship - friendship, companionship, emotional closeness and honesty -- when you already withdrew from the relationship. Frankly - I'm amazed she could stay such good friends with you and continue to work with you. Ask yourself - after all that -why shouldn't she keep you at arm's length emotionally?
Author CrossRhodes Posted December 4, 2006 Author Posted December 4, 2006 Yes, she felt like we were soulmates too. I've never actually thought of it in the terms you put - maybe you are right, why should she allow me to get close to her? She was always emotionally pretty guarded. Now it feels like her walls are sky high Midway this year, I did write a letter to her expressing my sorrow at having to ice our brief relationship and asking for her understanding. I said I hoped that we would try again in the future. She never responded and we continued our friendship like I'd never written it. The weird thing for me is that I can't seem to let her go. If I stop writing to her, she writes me and asks me how I am. I hate to think this was our one and only chance at a relationship. I know she's not the only girl I could love but I feel such a strong sense of kinship with her. It feels like I've known her for years ... God it hurts!
InLimbo2 Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 Well - if she was emotionally guarded before - and she let them down and let you get close - and you bailed on the relationship - her walls SHOULD be sky high and extra thick. If you've decided you are truly ready for a relationship and you want one with her - you have to overcome that - and that takes work. Not a letter about a vague future somewhere down the road - and not just chatty emails. How bout a "I know I blew it, I know I have to win your trust and work at those walls cuz they are now twice as high, but I want YOU" - and then DO IT. Yes, she felt like we were soulmates too. I've never actually thought of it in the terms you put - maybe you are right, why should she allow me to get close to her? She was always emotionally pretty guarded. Now it feels like her walls are sky high Midway this year, I did write a letter to her expressing my sorrow at having to ice our brief relationship and asking for her understanding. I said I hoped that we would try again in the future. She never responded and we continued our friendship like I'd never written it. The weird thing for me is that I can't seem to let her go. If I stop writing to her, she writes me and asks me how I am. I hate to think this was our one and only chance at a relationship. I know she's not the only girl I could love but I feel such a strong sense of kinship with her. It feels like I've known her for years ... God it hurts!
Author CrossRhodes Posted December 5, 2006 Author Posted December 5, 2006 You're right! I can really see how I've had this all wrong. I've become all weak and insipid, I can see it in the language I've used with her and in how I talk to myself. I practised writing a letter tonight, one where I took responsibility for breaking her trust. It's also very passionate. It was pretty refreshing trying to view our history through her eyes i.e. through her correspondence. I haven't truly done that before, which makes me feel a bit silly. I guess we get carried away sometimes thinking that our view of the world is objective. I am quite prepared to give her the letter, but am I truly ready for another relationship? In the cold light of day, I don't think I'm ready. I love her too much to break her heart again carelessly, so I'm going to wait. I'll most likely date one or two girls in the meantime and look at this all again next year some time. For now, I'm going to love her as a friend and also look after myself better. If we are meant to be, I don't think a few months will kill us.
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