Crazy Cutie Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 My issue could definitely be that I am crazy and I am thinking it over at we speak... My boyfriend just happens to be the most wonderful human being in the free world. He is loving, considerate, thoughtful, tells me I am beautiful, and we get along great. We were friends a long time before we got together but, I have some issues with my situation that unfortunately I can't ignore and I need some advice from random unbias strangers. Keep in mind I love this man, we live together, and yes I am nuts. He isn't aggressive in any area. This isn't to say that he isn't ambitious because that isn't the case. I initiate all the activities from going out and doing things to when and if we have sex. I feel like a vacation planner. He has no real opinion about our activities so I can't even bounce ideas off of him. We have a very affectionate relationship. We are always giving each other pecks, hugging each other, and telling each other that we love each other. Despite that it feels like our relationship lacks a distinct amount of intensity or urgency to be more or do more. Am I wrong to want my boyfriend to want to bend me over the couch all unprovoked or at least want to look up at him lick my lips and wish that he would?! I'm not having those feelings and just the other day I initiated some sex and somewhere in the middle wished that I hadn't. I am well loved and really kinda bored. As I've mentioned this is a wonderful man with wonderful traits who I love very much. We've been together for almost two years and I would hate to just not be all that into him anymore. We've talked in part about my concerns. I feel like such a terrible person for even bringing it up. He gives so much of himself to me and our relationship that asking for any more seems cruel and I don't want to ask him to be someone other than he is because it would be devaluing the person that he is. I don't want to end up being a "bad" or "shallow" person as a result of all this.
freckles73 Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 OMG! You are so selfish. Get over yourself.
InsanityImpaired Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 What is a man without a passion, an interest or opinion? That is the way he comes across. Has he a hard time disagreeing with anything, for instance the plans you make? And yes, I'd be very wary to continue such a relationship.
Guest Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 This isn't to say that he isn't ambitious because that isn't the case. I initiate all the activities from going out and doing things to when and if we have sex. I feel like a vacation planner. He has no real opinion about our activities so I can't even bounce ideas off of him. Does he have opinions about other things? Is the conversation good? Has your friendship been based on doing things together or on talking together and getting to know each other and enjoying each other that way? Despite that it feels like our relationship lacks a distinct amount of intensity or urgency to be more or do more. Am I wrong to want my boyfriend to want to bend me over the couch all unprovoked or at least want to look up at him lick my lips and wish that he would?! If he isn't passionate about anything, it would be out of character for him to be passionate about you. It sounds like he's a low-key guy. When you spoke about the issue, what did he say?
norajane Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 Why don't you try injecting a little passion and flirtation into your lives? I don't mean initiating sex directly - which you tried. I mean doing those little, playful things that keep the fire at a low burn all the time. Call him in the middle of the day and tell him you were just thinking about him naked. Write out a fantasy of something you'd like to try together and give it to him to read one night when you're hanging out at home listening to music and drinking a little wine. When you're out at dinner, flirt with him like he's a new guy you just met and would like to date/f*ck. When you're at a party, whisper into his ear how you can't wait to get home and do a little lap dance for him. Basically, be playful and flirtatious with him as you would in a new relationship. Be open about your sexuality, and explore it with him. He'll start to respond to this new you - even the most milktoast guy has sexual urges - he's just been bred to believe he shouldn't express them openly for fear of offending.
Star Gazer Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 OMG! You are so selfish. Get over yourself. How is she selfish? Is wanting excitement and passion out of your currently boring relationship selfish?
Crazy Cutie Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 <b>Insanity Impaired</b> -That's the weird thing about it. This man prides himself on going against the grain on most situations and he is very opinated about a lot of different things. He's a sports fan but, notoriously low key. <b>Guest</b> - Our relationship was primarily based on just hanging out and a shared love of boy humor. We have good conversations sometimes but, mostly we have a really strong friendship. I feel as though I know a lot about him though because we know each other so well. He is passionate about me in very low key caring way. He makes sure that I have everything that I need and checks on me when he's out to make sure that no one is bothering me. We've spoken about the issue and mostly he says, "we will work on it" and sometimes we do and sometimes it's kinda blow off. We end up talking about it over and over. I don't doubt his sincerity I just don't think that he has in him the things that I want ultimately and he actually thinks that it can be worked through. <b>norajane</b> - <i>Basically, be playful and flirtatious with him as you would in a new relationship. Be open about your sexuality, and explore it with him. He'll start to respond to this new you - even the most milktoast guy has sexual urges - he's just been bred to believe he shouldn't express them openly for fear of offending.</i> I don't have hang ups about sex as far as it concerns myself and a person that I truly care about. If we are having a relationship that I feel emotionally safe in then anything goes or at least can be put on the table. Our sex isn't phenominal but, the flirting would make it so much better. Their doesn't really seem to be anything that can stir him up to bring about an unwarranted reaction. I wore a tank top last summer that you could see my nipples through and that worked once. I put a small underwear fashion show of new panties I bought and they were, "sexy". I gave him a candle light warm baby oil rub down and I got, "That's nice babe." He comes up behind me several times a day and squeezes my breasts but, not in a way that any woman would really enjoy and doesn't really have an agenda when he does it. I walk around mostly in panties and t-shirts, and he constantly has erections but, no real desire for sex. In short their is no lusty man on button. The same man who say, "How's your day going gorgeous?"
Crazy Cutie Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 This is my sad bunny. I have another post coming through that answers every quote individually but, since I just got an official name I am going to see if it will post faster... -My boyfriend is a very opinated person about a lot of other different things. He's particular about sports, music, and a host of other things. I can tell that he tries not to argue about things that don't matter but, he doesn't have a hard time telling me no about a variety of things. -Our relationship is basically based from the very good friendship that we already have. We've known each other for over five years and know each other pretty well. -He's passionate in a differen't way. He wants to make sure that no one bothers me and that I am okay but, not passionate really sexually or sexually aggressive in any way. -When I spoke to him about the issue he normally says basically, we will work it out. Sometimes he tries to take immediate measures for whatever that is and other times we don't do anything about it at all. We end up talking about it over and over whenever I am unsatistfied with it to no avail. NORAJANE, I have tried to talk to him about what would really get him or what he really likes and he doesn't really know. I have tried a couple of things to see if I could and I haven't gotten the response that I would like. I had talked to him about sending him sexy texts and he said that he wouldn't like. I gave him a small underwear fashion show and he said it was sexy and not much else. I gave him a candle lit baby oil rub down and he said, "Oh that was nice babe." I would love to have that low burn because I am a very sexual person. He's not really in touch with himself sexually and it takes so much to draw out his sexual personality that I don't know if it worth it. I love him and I am bored with it and ashamed that I am not just happy to be really well loved.
BARBGURL Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 I apologize if you already said this and I missed it, but has he always been this way in the relationship or did it begin differently? Don't feel guilty. Obviously you care very much for him, but if you are not getting something that you need, you will be discontent. You can't help that - it's human nature.
HeadlessZebra Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 How is she selfish? Is wanting excitement and passion out of your currently boring relationship selfish? Some people honestly believe that anyone who's not willing to pity-love or settle for almost-good-enough is selfish. It's usually those who have to bottom-feed who feel this way.
Crazy Cutie Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 I apologize if you already said this and I missed it, but has he always been this way in the relationship or did it begin differently? Don't feel guilty. Obviously you care very much for him, but if you are not getting something that you need, you will be discontent. You can't help that - it's human nature. :bunny:I love the bunny. It was different and things were a lot more fun and spontaneous. We used to make out different places, talk, watch tv, and make out some more. I think that was before we had a whole big thing about our sex not being great by any stretch of the imagination. While our sex has improved some I often felt like I was being pawed in the back of a small foreign car and he didn't understand that he needed to get me off some time in there either before during or after. (I love the freedom of aninimity!) :(I do feel terrible. I love this man a great deal and he loves me a great deal. We have been together for almost two years and I can't commit to not being physically satisfied by a man that satistfies me fully emotionally. I feel guilty for not being bigger than that and wonder if I had a better idea of what a healthy relationship looked like I'd be happy. I've caught myself looking at other guys in passing...
BARBGURL Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 :bunny:I love the bunny. It was different and things were a lot more fun and spontaneous. We used to make out different places, talk, watch tv, and make out some more. I think that was before we had a whole big thing about our sex not being great by any stretch of the imagination. While our sex has improved some I often felt like I was being pawed in the back of a small foreign car and he didn't understand that he needed to get me off some time in there either before during or after. (I love the freedom of aninimity!) :(I do feel terrible. I love this man a great deal and he loves me a great deal. We have been together for almost two years and I can't commit to not being physically satisfied by a man that satistfies me fully emotionally. I feel guilty for not being bigger than that and wonder if I had a better idea of what a healthy relationship looked like I'd be happy. I've caught myself looking at other guys in passing... Can you pinpoint a specific catalyst for the change in behavior? As human beings we are sexual ( well most of us, there are exceptions to everything ). More specifically, men are very visual creatures as well. You mentioned a lingerie show etc. with little reaction. That's odd. Let me throw out a few questions: 1) Does he feel inadequate in the bedroom and is looking for major validation from you? 2) Could there be someone else? I ask this because a man who is very attentive without a hearty sexual appetite seems to be classic behavior for this. 3) Could he be confused about his sexuality? I want to say that you need to have a serious discussion with him - with resolution. If he is not a talker and you can't draw him out with your actions, then it seems like a dead end. I said this before and I'll say it again, if you are not getting something from the relationship that you need, you are destined to be unhappy. Of course you are looking at other men. Soon it will be more than just in passing.
skimmy Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 Hi crazy cutie, I can relate to your situation I think. I'm also a very sexual person, and for a short while I was dating a really nice guy, treated me well, we had fun together, but kind of a plain guy...along the way I met another guy who rivals my sexuality, and I realized that the first guy I was dating wasn't really right for me, and I wasn't really right for him. I didn't really want to break up with him because he really didn't do anything "wrong," in fact he was always great. I felt guilty too. But one of my friends one day told me that maybe he wasn't the right man for me. That bothered me for awhile...then when my feelings for the second guy were getting stronger, I realized 2 things: the first guy and I really weren't a great fit for each other, and the second guy and I seemed like we were made for each other. Not just sexually, but emotionally, spiritually, and so many other ways. With the first guy, there was a comfort level, and companionship, but no passion. With the second guy, there was (and still is) a lot of passion and excitement as well as love and companionship and fulfillment...as hard as it is for you and your man, don't let guilt keep you in a relationship that isn't totally right for either of you. Maybe he needs to find someone else that lights that fire in him, and it's not you. Maybe you need someone who challenges you in all different ways. You may love him as a friend and companion, but maybe you're not IN LOVE with him. Don't listen to anyone who tells you you're shallow for this, because you're not. You need a lot, and this man can't give it to you.
Crazy Cutie Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 Skimmy, I'm really scared. I have never really had a single period and I really love this guy dispite our disfunction. I know that it's completely anti-femenist but, I am already wondering what I would do without him because he is so loving and so supportive. I haven't spent a month without at guy since I have been seriously dating. I wish that I could make this situation exactly what I want... Bunny! We are living together and I don't know if I could do it. My mother is basically telling me that this is safe and you should do this. I am concerned that I won't find better...
skimmy Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 One thing I've learned is that you can't change a person, you can only change yourself. You can't make your situation more than it is, so as painful as it is, you have 2 choices: stay with him, and accept him for who he is and don't expect anything more, or, 2. dare to get out on your own. If that is the choice you take, it takes courage. Don't let fear of the unknown keep you from finding complete happiness. It's a risk, but do you really want to live the rest of your life thinking "What if?" Do you really want to stay with what's "safe and predictable" when there could be something really truly fantastic out there? I don't know about you, but I don't want to get old and look back on my life and think, "I could have done such and such, but didn't because of fear." I know I'll have regrets, but I'd rather have regrets for mistakes I've made rather than not taking risks. Because once time is gone, it's gone.
Krytellan Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 My my my... here we have the ultimate hypocracy. I can relate to this topic and let me tell you why. I consider myself a nice guy. And yes, I have paid the price for that more than I care to mention. I am considerate of her needs (sexually and emotionally), I am emotional and prefer to talk about feelings, I am caring, I "take care" of my girlfriend; whether it's making dinner or whatnot, and I'm romantic for the sake of it, not just for sex. Now, fortunately, I am dating my equal in that department... she's supernice, sweet, even a little innocent. The cold hard truth? We are both sweet people. And we both LOVE it dirty. She wants to be "attacked" as much as I do. I like to pull hair and such, and she wants me to be aggressive at times. Being nice doesn't mean you dont like excitement and like to be kinky. There is NOTHING wrong with wanting more from your man than simply passionate love-making. For some people the, sexual life can be very important. So you do need to decide if you can handle one (nice guy) at the expense of the other (sexually aggressive), since he does not have both. I would be willing to bet that the "safe" side of his nature will become annoying to you as the years pass. Just a hunch.
distant__nebulae Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 Some people honestly believe that anyone who's not willing to pity-love or settle for almost-good-enough is selfish. It's usually those who have to bottom-feed who feel this way. The most ignorant statement of the year (and I have heard a lot). This is totally wrong. This has nothing to do with pity love and yes, she is a bit selfish, although more naive than selfish. She has been in this relationship 2 years. She needs to realize that relationships change and mature. You are living in a fairy tale world if you think there will always be great passion, etc. You will never find that, EVER! You need to be realistic and prepare yourself for your life ahead of you. I mean what will you do when you have kids? Do you think the level of passion will be the same then? Get a grip, get real and then you will find happiness. One other thing - happiness comes from within you not from someone else.
Crazy Cutie Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 She has been in this relationship 2 years. She needs to realize that relationships change and mature. You are living in a fairy tale world if you think there will always be great passion, etc. You will never find that, EVER! You need to be realistic and prepare yourself for your life ahead of you. I mean what will you do when you have kids? Do you think the level of passion will be the same then? Get a grip, get real and then you will find happiness. One other thing - happiness comes from within you not from someone else. Maybe a little selfish but not naive. Relationships do grow and mature but, only to some extent. You wouldn't bury an egg and wait for a sunflower to grow from it. Their are changes of course but, to what extent. If you start out with a lot of passion and you have a child with someone of course that will die down because your focus is different. If you start with low passion when you experience that kind of change the flame could go out entirely. :bunny:I like nice guys that are good to me and I don't want to ruin this one. At the same time I don't want to end up marrying this one and ending up A-sexual.
distant__nebulae Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 :bunny:I like nice guys that are good to me and I don't want to ruin this one. At the same time I don't want to end up marrying this one and ending up A-sexual. Then you need to figure out where your priorities lie. Relationships grow and change. If you can't handle a little lack of nookie now, then I can't wait to see what happens when you are paying a mortgage. All I am trying to do is show you how closed minded you are being. I had a girl cheat over essentially the same reason. You will move onto the next guy, it will be exciting at first, and then you're back on loveshack again. Do you see the pattern? Life isn't a fairly tale. Relationships take work. I suggest you put forth the effort to get what you want from it AND realize it is never going to be perfect.
Crazy Cutie Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 Then you need to figure out where your priorities lie. Relationships grow and change. If you can't handle a little lack of nookie now, then I can't wait to see what happens when you are paying a mortgage. All I am trying to do is show you how closed minded you are being. I had a girl cheat over essentially the same reason. You will move onto the next guy, it will be exciting at first, and then you're back on loveshack again. Do you see the pattern? Life isn't a fairly tale. Relationships take work. I suggest you put forth the effort to get what you want from it AND realize it is never going to be perfect. Did this happen recently because you seem to have a lot of anger about what this chick did to you. That being said... This isn't a pattern as this has never happened to me before. Also, the issue isn't really the lack of nookie at all. I can only assume that if you use the words, "life isn't a fairy tale" as much as you've already... no nevermind... have a very good evening
Trialbyfire Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 Since I don't know how long your relationship has been going on, it's difficult to provide a decent response, although if you're only b/f and g/f and you're already having this difficulty, I'm not certain what 20 years of marriage will do to you. In the first year of any relationship, it should be a situation where you can't keep your hands off each other, full of fire and passion. It settles down a little after that but it shouldn't ever settle to the point where you're the vacation planner and he's the lazy couch potato. Overall, he doesn't sound like a very high energy guy. Don't play it safe if that's all you're doing. You both deserve more out of life than to settle.
skimmy Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 Don't play it safe if that's all you're doing. You both deserve more out of life than to settle. I wholeheartedly agree! Life is too short!
distant__nebulae Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 I can only assume that if you use the words, "life isn't a fairy tale" as much as you've already... no nevermind... have a very good evening Sorry if I ruined your happily ever after. Just a dose of reality in your land of make believe.
SmoochieFace Posted December 7, 2006 Posted December 7, 2006 Sorry if I ruined your happily ever after. Just a dose of reality in your land of make believe. Well, D_N, lots of women live in the 'land of make believe'. What else would explain their tenacious addiction to soap operas? Purty sad, actually. *shakes head*
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