Family/upbringing/background differences?

[Star Gazer]

I'm curious to see what your experiences are with dating someone with an incredibly different background than you in one way or another. I'm thinking in extremes here. For example, you grew up wealthy, while your SO grew up dirt poor. Or you grew up in a very religious household, while your SO grew up without any faith. Other things I can think of would include differing backgrounds involving education (ivy league vs. drop out), conservative/liberal, etc. Assuming you are your SO are very similar NOW, does it matter how you were brought up?

[Guest]

my boyfriend and i have completely different views on religion. i believe in it, he doesnt believe in ne of it. i think if u respect and support each other and if u work out how to deal with the difference in the future then i dont think its always a problem. but for some people it is.

 

i think we like to think that all we need is love and everything works but i dont think it works this way. i think if theres big difference in upbringing and views and values then the relationship will probably take more effort and before becoming serious you would have to seriously think bout whether or not you and ur partner can handle the difference

[IpAncA]

I've dated someone with a different political viewpoint then my own and let me tell you, it did NOT work out. We could never talk about political stuff because we would just argue and as you can see that filtered into other things as well. What a liberal views is not the same as what a conservative views and I'm not talking about political stuff.

 

Some people may be able to work it out but IMO, it's better to find someone that shares the same morals, viewpoints, interests, background, and family up bringing.

[serial muse]

I'm curious to see what your experiences are with dating someone with an incredibly different background than you in one way or another. I'm thinking in extremes here. For example, you grew up wealthy, while your SO grew up dirt poor. Or you grew up in a very religious household, while your SO grew up without any faith. Other things I can think of would include differing backgrounds involving education (ivy league vs. drop out), conservative/liberal, etc. Assuming you are your SO are very similar NOW, does it matter how you were brought up?

 

the education one can create ripples of resentment that turn into tidal waves after some time, let me tell you. ugh.

 

but i would imagine fundamental personality also plays a huge role - i.e., even if there's a disparity in education, how two people approach a conversation (open-ended vs. get-to-the-point, abstract vs. concrete, etc.) is key. i think that, if there is a fundamental similarity in outlook, that can make up for other more surficial differences.

 

how that translates to political ideology is another question - i guess it depends on whether a person self-identifies with a particular ideology because their parents and community did, or what...depends on how strongly their own innate values are tied up with it i suppose.

 

i should say, specifically, that i married someone with a different educational background and i found out about five years later he had a lot of resentment about that. but like i said, i think the real problem is that we were fundamentally different in what we wanted from each other, in terms of communication. i thought our differences stemmed from the surface, and from our different backgrounds, but they didn't, really. they were on a more basic level, which i slowly began to understand over the course of our relationship. and ultimately, i think that's why we divorced.

[BareGoddess]

Serial hit the nail on the head with that last paragraph. My husband and I have VERY different backgrounds. I grew up with private schools, maids, etc. He grew up poor. We're of different religious backgrounds too and he was brought up with religion and I wasn't. I'm from one of the biggest cities in the world and he's from a small Southern town with a population of less than 5,000 people. I could go on and on about our differences.

 

So culturally we couldn't be more different.

 

But our values, goals, style of communicating, intelligence levels, temperaments and yes, political views are extremely similar. I think that's what makes the real difference in a succesful relationship.

[moman]

the education one can create ripples of resentment that turn into tidal waves after some time, let me tell you. ugh.

 

I'll concur with this - my ex was a H.S. graduate and I'm working on my Masters degree. It caused severe stress between us because she didn't see the point in me studying, going to conferences for work, and school events. Matter of fact, they were just "events for finding a replacement for her".

 

I try and avoid dating people with less education than I have....and I have recently been dating people with MORE education with is refreshing because it challenges me to work harder.

[riobikini]

re:

 

StarGazer: " I'm curious to see what your experiences are with dating someone with an incredibly different background than you in one way or another. I'm thinking in extremes here. For example, you grew up wealthy, while your SO grew up dirt poor. Or you grew up in a very religious household, while your SO grew up without any faith. Other things I can think of would include differing backgrounds involving education (ivy league vs. drop out), conservative/liberal, etc. Assuming you are your SO are very similar NOW, does it matter how you were brought up?"

 

 

Well (Smile) I grew up dirt poor, I'm afraid.

 

And it took me a few years to get to where I wanted to be.

 

Now, I'm comfortable (Smile).

 

The people I have dated or been married to have had much more affluent backgrounds and lifestyles than my own -but I have never been intimidated or felt "lesser-than", in the least.

 

I most admire those who have come from meager backgrounds and built their lives from almost nothing. (I happen to know what that's like and can relate well to the journey).

 

But it's OK by me, if they come from *any* background -just as long as any problems from thier past have been resolved and the person who's presenting is now living a well-rounded and healthy life.

 

-Rio

[Woggle]

My wife comes from a wealthy background and I grew up poor as hell. So far it has not caused any problems but one day we were in New York and she wanted me to take her to my old neighborhood. I asked her if she was sure about that because where I grew up it is not so nice but she insisted. She was visibly scared while we were driving around, In some ways she is a limousine liberal so she has a condescending attitude towards the poor without even knowing it but I know she has a good heart and she means well so I don't sweat it.

[riobikini]

The way it stacks up for me:

 

First hubby=Very poor when I met him, does very well today; -no silver spoon, had to pay for own edu; still friends to this day.

 

Second hubby=Financially well-off/affluent/educated, was the love of my life (now deceased).

 

Third hubby (divorced)= His life was a series of wealthy today/broke the next, wealthy today/broke the next, etc. etc. -his background was mediocre concerning affluence/money, though he *was* quite educated and such a creative thinker. You never knew what was next with him; I *still* don't.

 

Dates: Mixed bag of backgrounds.

 

-Rio

[electric_sheep]

I think being similiar NOW would be all that's important. Having different backgrounds would simply add texture and interest to the relationship. That's probably why I'm so turned on by women from Europe.

 

They say opposites attract, but I think that's a falacy. At least in it's extreme it is. A similiar worldview about religion, politics, sexuality, and life goals is fairly important. Sometimes people with very different viewpoints can make it work, but usually they are accepting people, and not fanatical.

[che_jesse]

With me I have defiantly noticed certain things that happen when upbringings are different.

 

Finances: My family is comfortable but not "wealthy". Personally other peoples finances do not both me one bit, I have had boyfriends that are dirt poor and live him the ghetto in a house with 10 other family members, and I have had boyfriends whos family's have far far more money than any of us will be able to spend in a lifetime. The ones that have given me crap about finances were the wealthy ones, sometimes they try to buy you with things, like watches, for some reason people feel the need the give me watches, I don't even ware watches...

 

But mostly they have tried to make me feel like I should be making less demands in the relationship because of.. there money I guess. Those always end badly, the ones where the guy comes from a poor family, they have always worked well. I don't wave money in anyones face but I do help people when they need it, I guess people just like to be helped. This is probably more just the sample of guys I have dated then any sort of representative sample.

 

Education: Both of my parents are Ph.D's, I was raised that education is the single most important thing you you in your life, it builds you as a person and takes you above and gives you more then everyone else. I just cant be with someone that does not have that desire to improve themselves.

 

Religion: Oddly enough this has never been a problem from me, I am Jewish and the only men I have had problems with religiously were other Jewish boys, because they always feel the need to point out flaws in my Jewishness, it gets annoying. I have had relationships with Christians, Catholics, Muslims, Buddhists, Wiccians, Taoists, whatever, religion has never been a problem, they would not be with me if it were.

 

Family structure: This is the big one. My parents have been married for 34 years, they were together for 12 years before they even had me, they love each other and I know what love, commitment, and devotion are by looking at my parents. I cannot be with people that come from broken homes. They do not think the same way, they may think they do, they may think that "My parents got divorced, I wont make the same mistakes" but really, just observing them in relationships, they do not, they just don't know how to respect the person they are with and how to work at relationships.

 

I don't mean this as an insult to anyone, and there certainly are people out there that come from divorced parents that function well in relationships, but based on my own personal experience, they approach relationships differently.

 

Maybe its because those of us from family's that have stayed together have had the opportunity to observe what it means to work thorough your problems in a relationship, and that marriage is forever. And those who's parents are divorced have not.

 

Of course it matters what age the parents got divorced at, I don't see it really mattering at the age of 24 or something, but if a child grew up in a home were daddy live in LA, while mommy, you, and step dad #5 live in Boston, well... they just have not observed stable family's. What they have observed is people walking away when they get bored / upset.

 

This more then anything else has ended relationships for me, or its what I see as the driving force in why relationships end they way they do.

[blind_otter]

the differences only matter if in the relationship if they are issues with the people involved.

 

My parents came from vastly different cultures and countries and yet built a strong marriage.

 

I tend to date men who have a lot less formal education than I do but I respect their knowledge, which has a different base than mine does, but IMO is no less valid. We can all learn from each other, don't you think?

[Green]

I doubt I'll ever find a person who comes from a background such as mine to date So I'll never know. but personaly I look for people who know were they want to go in the future and have an optomistic view of the world and the people in it.

[Storyrider]

My husband grew up an army brat in a conservative Catholic family. I grew up in a liberal, culturally Jewish family with no real belief in God. We came to agree on many issues and are still working some things out. I think what helped is we both expected it to be difficult.

 

I agreed to raise our children Catholic b/c his beliefs were stronger than mine. My daughter will have her first communion this year, which will be bittersweet for me. I often wonder what would happen if my husband passed away and how I would continue to raise the kids Catholic when I am a Jew.

 

On a different note, the styles of our family discourse and the way we handled conflict was one of the most difficult things to reconcile. I was used to loud discussions and heated arguments in my family, where any topic was fair game for debate. The classic example was a long discussion/debate between my family members about the difference between a midget and a dwarf. It didn't matter if nothing was accomplished. We just liked to talk.

 

In contrast, his family kept their feelings to themselves. When his dad got laid off from work his mother didn't find out until she saw him still sitting at the breakfast table one morning. He had known for weeks his last day was coming but just couldn't deal with the emotional fall out of telling her. Also, I think he figured there was no point discussing it since it wouldn't solve the problem. Discussions in his family were always purposeful and to the point.

 

These two styles were hard to merge. It used to be I would want to hash things out till they were dead, and he would feel attacked or like it wasn't leading anywhere productive and leave the room. I guess after twelve years we have learned how to communicate pretty well. I have learned that it doesn't help much to talk in circles, and he has gotten more comfortable with expressing anger.

[Guest]

When I was younger I dated a guy for 3 years from Manhattan who graduated from Cornell and Yale. I grew up on a farm and had a high school diploma. I was very intimidated around his friends. He seemed to not care about our differences and said he found me refreshing. I broke up with him because it made me feel too insecure. I regret that now. However, I do wonder if we had stayed together if he would have found it a problem down the line.

 

My dad is a widowed farmer and married a woman who has a Ph.D from UVA and they are happy as can be. I guess when you get in your 70's these things don't matter as much.

[riobikini]

re:

 

Guest: "...when you get in your 70's these things don't matter as much."

 

Good observation.

 

And I think you are right!

 

-Rio

[RecordProducer]

I'm curious to see what your experiences are with dating someone with an incredibly different background than you in one way or another. I'm thinking in extremes here. For example, you grew up wealthy, while your SO grew up dirt poor. Or you grew up in a very religious household, while your SO grew up without any faith. Other things I can think of would include differing backgrounds involving education (ivy league vs. drop out), conservative/liberal, etc. Assuming you are your SO are very similar NOW, does it matter how you were brought up?

I had a long-term BF and an ex-husband who were very different from me in terms of family upbringing, mentality, nationality, and education. These are major differences that greatly influenced both relationships in many negative aspects.

 

I think people CAN be different in some things and still get along. But if you read poetry and your guy curses all the time; if you are emancipated and he was raised with the idea that a woman is less of a human being than a man; if you're an ambitious lawyer and he is a lazy always-in-between-jobs type of person; if you're an outgoing, social person and he is a couch potato; if you always had good grades and he skipped most classes... you will never get along and these gaps will affect everything in the relationship.

[RecordProducer]

I guess when you get in your 70's these things don't matter as much.

Then start dating someone very different when you're 70!

 

My mother-in-law is 70 and she lived with a guy who was not right for her "on paper." He was also 23 years old younger than her. She is a multi-talented, smart woman with a PhD and he is a simple, common carpenter. Their life boiled down to him eating dinner after work then watching TV before going to sleep. She needed more, she needed a challenge, she needed the affection he gave her at the beginning. She asked him to leave her apartment. And he rented a condo near her, he works, and they are still seeing each other. But I think the cultural and cerebral gap between them was wider than the age gap. By the way, she is not wealthy or anything.