kittery75 Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 HI All: I am new to this forum and just want to start by saying I found this site this morning as I woke up with the realization that I want to quit being miserable in my life. I thought perhaps I could find something on the internet to relate with and couldn't believe the stories and thoughts that I have seen on this board. Your writings have hit home and hit home hard. It is a breath of air to know that there are others out there going through the same thing I am. We all think at one time or another that we are "the only ones out there" or if there are other people they couldn't possibly feel the same way I do, but after reading these boards, I understand that there are a lot of women out there, strong, intelligent, beautiful women out there, that are in the same or similiar position as I. I am hoping that what I am going through right now it cathartic, and no one gets frustrated with my long post but this has been a long time coming. I have been the OW for close to five years now. He was 8 mos from getting married when we develop our relationship at work. It started as an intimate friendship with him asking the age old question of how do you know if someone is the one. I knew right there I was in trouble. He was handsome, a gentleman, intelligent, challenging, and above all things, someone who looked into my soul who wanted to know the real me. Within 3 mos, the relationship turned physical. It was the most amazing physical relationship I had yet to experience. I fell in love with him and fell quick. It was difficult, because we worked closely with one another, but for a long time we were able to maintain the professional relationship in the office, with our personal relationship remaining a secret to only us. He told me on many occassions, who I share this with is my business. He would never ask me to keep quiet about anything but trusted me enough to always use my head. It was like he wanted to get caught in a sense. There were only a handful of times that he would ask "Do you think I should get married?" On the outside I wanted to scream, "Absolutely not." But knew the politically correct answer to give was "Only you know what's best for you." He did get married and after that our professional relationship got rough. I thought that he would turn me on and turn me off like a light. I realize now it was probably my anger over his marriage that made me see things this way. I swore to myself that if he did in fact get married, I would not continue with the relationship. On the day of his wedding, I imagined he would fly home, run to my doorstep and profess his love to me. It never happened. It took about two months after he was married for us to heat up again. Surprisingly enough, he soon after left our organization and I again thought, this will be the end of this. Again, it was not. I spent the next year pining over a man who never told me he was interested in leaving his wife for me (never told me he wouldn't either) but I NEVER once asked. Maybe it was a matter of knowing the answer, maybe it was a matter of "waiting it out" as if he truly felt the way I felt for him, and I believe he did, he would make the decision when the time was right. The relationship over the past five years consisted of emails, NEVER phone calls, so for the most part the relationship was electronic. But we became even closer as friends through these exchanges. We would see each other once a month, if lucky, two to three times a month. I was in love, but after a while it became habit. Something I needed to do, but realized every time I left him, as much as I loved him, felt guilty and evil, and awful. Then I told myself, if he has children I am out. That will be my time. He has had more than one. I am still here. His wife knows. There are many things that have happened over the years. However, she chooses not to acknowledge them, or he talks her through them. I spent the previous year, I thought, really working myself mentally out of this situation. We would see each other, less frequently, not converse as much as we once used to. And I convinced myself when we did see each other, that the guilt was no longer worth it. However, this year, we started talking a lot more, seeing each other a lot more, and he has confided in me that the relationship with his wife has taken a turn for the worse. He is concerned about his children and for that reason is questioning whether or not he should leave. They have both spent the last 6 mos. in and out of their home. I have had a hard time holding down a job this past year because of depression. I am an attractive, intelligent, 6 figure salary woman and I can not stand waking up in the morning. All I think about is him and whether or not the day will come that he will want to be mine. We have had multiple conversations that range from "How could we ever be in a relationship? How would you ever trust me?" to "If my marriage ends I need to take some time to figure out what will make me happy." Yet over the past five years he very rarely told me he loved me, and over the past two months he has told me on numerous occassions that he does indeed love me. I don't want to wake up every day wondering, is today the day he will finally tell me 'I want to be with you.' I love him, he is my best friend in the world. I want to end this, however I truly believe he is a soul mate. But, I want to find someone who when I wake up in the morning, will be beside me telling me I want to be with you instead of me wondering every day. Give me strength to know whats right. I hope and pray I make the right decision nad don't lose my best friend over this decision.
Green Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 Uve got alot on your plate. I say escape from reality with a funny movie or something and then rethink things. I sugest the movie "Just Friends" if you havent seen it yet... PS I think you know what you need to do, I know u got what it takes
Author kittery75 Posted December 4, 2006 Author Posted December 4, 2006 You are right. I do know what to do. Thing is I have known between right and wrong for sometime now and just having a hard time finding the right way out. I love him. I know that the same rhetoric heard from everyone and I am no different. just need to find a way to be strong and better than this situation. And I have actually watched Just Friends a zillion times over the past few months. Good flick. Thanks for the tip.
whichwayisup Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 Find a therapist that you can trust and talk to. This will help you gain the strength you need to end it. This relationship is killing you! It's so unhealthy, even though you love him and he's your bestfriend. The thing is, if he was your bf, soulmate and all, he would have not married the woman he's married to now, he'd be with you, only. Yet he isn't and he's being very selfish by stringing you along. HE knows what to say, and when to keep you inline and interested in him. I do hope someday soon you're able to completely move on and find happiness with someone else.
pureinheart Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 Wow, your post reminded me of my "doorstep hope", and was always disappointed....also you felt he wanted to get caught, I felt the same way with exMM, but in my mind felt that he didn't care about getting caught because he loved me soooo much....not the case, he knew how to talk his way out, as W has taken him back everytime (he was caught several times before). The exMM also had an A shortly after his marriage and has continued them ever since. Would you really want him anyway knowing of his ability to sucessfully cheat....and one thing I thought about with exMM, the M wouldn't work with him as I know all the tricks....he wouldn't want me either because it would be harder to continue his games. Please read past posts also, they are filled with valuable info....
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 HI All: I woke up with the realization that I want to quit being miserable in my life. What are you willing to do to rid your life of misery? If you want to see exactly what your worth is to this man, there is only one way to do that. Tell him that you love him, but that you cannot function under these conditions any more. Tell him that you do not want any more contact from him. All interactions at work have to be strictly professional. Tell him that when he is divorced, then you will be more than happy to share your life with him. Until then, he is not allowed into your life in any way, shape or form. Then... follow through. One of two things will happen. If he loves you and wants to be with you, he will take the steps to make that happen. He will divorce and come to you ready for a real relationship. If not, he will simply continue on in his marriage and probably go looking for another OW to take your place. It all depends on what you think you are worth - which OW are you worth? Are you worth being the only woman, or are you only worth settling for being the other woman?
PoshPrincess Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 You are right. I do know what to do. Thing is I have known between right and wrong for sometime now and just having a hard time finding the right way out. I love him. I know that the same rhetoric heard from everyone and I am no different. just need to find a way to be strong and better than this situation. And I have actually watched Just Friends a zillion times over the past few months. Good flick. Thanks for the tip. I totally understand how you are feeling but you need to give him up for your own sanity. By all means give him an ultimatum. I should have done that rather than let my R with MM drag on for so long but at the time I didn't want to put pressure on him and I supposed, in all honesty, I was scared of his answer! Mind you, be prepared that he may give you the classic 'I do want to be with you but it can't happen yet.....can't leave the kids 'at the moment'..blah blah blah...." If that's the case, tell him, "Yes, I love you and want to be with you but don't want to continue a R with you until you do leave. When you do, let me know" or something along those lines, otherwise he is just having his cake and eating it and let's face it, what man would give that up unless he really loves you exclusively. It is REALLY REALLY hard but you can do it. As WWIU said, try and get some counselling to help you through it. I have found that has helped me a fair bit. I feel a bit stronger now and although I am still finding NC extremely hard (I have relented a couple of times) I am in a better place than I was 2 months ago without a doubt. I know there is no point staying in touch with MM as it's not good for my mental well-being - the same goes for you! Good luck
Green Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 go watch "Kangeroo Jack" if youve never seen it, it deals with a guy who has to face his demons and finaly change the way he's lived his life and relise what hes really greatful for. Its kind of a kids movie but I think it might give you the strength your looking for so watch the movie and be ready to take action when its over
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