pricillia Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 I can share him with his friends, his family, his children, work, and the gym...but I am struggling sharing him with another woman. MM and I have not seen eachother since last weekend, we still have talked everyday, I am having a hard time letting go because I guess I just do not want to. I left him a message on Friday eveing to tell him basicly that it is over and to take care and that it is all good. He called me back and left a message and did not even acknowledge the message I left him.. He called me the next morning to say that he was worried about me and that he loves me and to call him when I get the message. I did not call back through out the day, after several messages later he was frantic and said that he was truly worried about me. Today I saw him for a few moments and he asked me if I still love him, and yes I do. I try to let go but for some reason I can not let go. He yet again asked me if I was "talking to someone else and if I was he would back off. He knows that is not the case at all, he feels me pulling away and did not even acknowledge me letting go. None of this is easy, I don't even want to hear that I am hurting OW... I know the reality of this, not even sure if I know the whole story here but he does tell me that he does not think of her in a romantic way. I am inclined to believe him by the way that he acts both when we are together and when we are not, but don't want to be a fool either. Yet again I have a headache. Ps I have been to many movies to keep my mind off of him... didn't work Happy feet was very good, and so was Stranger than fiction...
puddleofmud Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 Sweetie, may I respectfully ask if you are concerned with sharing him with another woman which means his WIFE or another mistress? Either way its all right, you're allowed be upset about either. Leaving is so hard and thoughts will be what they are... I wish you a deep and restful sleep tonight.
Author pricillia Posted December 4, 2006 Author Posted December 4, 2006 Sweetie, may I respectfully ask if you are concerned with sharing him with another woman which means his WIFE or another mistress? Either way its all right, you're allowed be upset about either. Leaving is so hard and thoughts will be what they are... I wish you a deep and restful sleep tonight. His wife ofcourse. Once my headache goes away I will be fine. I am seeing him in a litte while ( just to talk) hopefully we can be open with eachother. I am not upset really, just realizing what I need and what I want. Something I never wanted before.
Jane Doe Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 You will continue hurting and being a mess as long as you don't even want to give him up. Telling him it's over and then meeting him is ruining all credibility for yourself. It lets him know even further than he can use you and play with your emotions in any way and you'll take it. He has no reason to do better or to leave his wife. You're allowing him to have both. How long are you willing to live this way?
Author pricillia Posted December 4, 2006 Author Posted December 4, 2006 You will continue hurting and being a mess as long as you don't even want to give him up. Telling him it's over and then meeting him is ruining all credibility for yourself. It lets him know even further than he can use you and play with your emotions in any way and you'll take it. He has no reason to do better or to leave his wife. You're allowing him to have both. How long are you willing to live this way? Because I know that he can not let it go either. If we talk face to face, then we will understand eachother. No I am not allowing him to have anything right now... right now he has my friendship, and love yes... as he knows he has my heart. Look this is so hard, I want a healthy realationship, I would like it to be with him, don't like how it started... I have been holding things back from him, not expressing my feelings of frustration... after he called me 6 times yesterday because he was worried, I decided to call him back. I know that I have to protect myself and I am trying. But as you all know and no this is not a pattern for me. Before I met current MM(which I did not know at the time that he was a MM) I was seeing another one, i got sucked into that one, he was honestly just a cake eater, and I broke it off. This one is different... I am not being a fool here, I have been synical in the matters of the heart. so what is next.. therapy, moving, changing my number... or should I let this play out for a little while longer to see where it goes... fooling myself, maybe... I have learned alot about myself through this whole thing...
pureinheart Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 I remember the torment all too well.....the very thick journal constructed with my pen trying to figure out the "whys" of my entire mess. MM told me the same things and reacted much like your MM. He would at times ignore my statements of departure, and others, would freak out. Even though I "knew" he was MM, I really didn't want to believe it...he didn't act like he was married.... Seeing MM was like a fix, the guilt and loniness would go away for a short time, but if I didn't get my fix, the down side of the roller coaster would start. I really see in your post that you are on your way out of this....
NearlyThere Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 His wife ofcourse. Once my headache goes away I will be fine. I am seeing him in a litte while ( just to talk) hopefully we can be open with each other. I am not upset really, just realizing what I need and what I want. Something I never wanted before. ... who would tell anyone what to do, as I'm pretty much in the same sitch as you, however I'm into day 3 of NC. Anyway I have been sitting here thinking, its 2am here at the mo, and I remembered an old post I saw when I first came onto LS and it might help you or not depending on what it is that you want to do. I do hope the orig OP wont mind me quoting it, but its a great post, very inspiring for those in NC, or trying to go NC. No doubt some people will remember it, but its worth another read. I know this quote may anger other people on this site but thats not the intention of it, it really resolves the situation, either way, the MM will return to his marriage and concentrate on it with no distractions. If it turns out he is a cake eater, well some other poor soul will fall into what were your shoes, however if you stick to NC they will not be YOUR shoes any more, you can move on with your life still. Anyway heres the post. You know what you must do. You go full NC. That is it. Nada. Nothing. Not only no sex, but no meeting whatsoever, total silence. No answering phones. No "hey, what's up" text messages. No planning a walk around town so that you just might run into him.... The only way you will change your life and bring this situation onto a whole, other, better, advanced level is for you to change--at once--the habits and patterns of your life with regard to him. These habits have kept you spinning uncontrollably in this mental/emotional merry-go-round you are living. Time to jump off. Yes, I was a "patient angel" for some time in my case ...Yes I broke NC twelve zillion times before imposing the big enchilada--the Mother-of-All-NC's. When I went complete Cold Turkey from him, it was because the relationship had built to a point where we could not advance and "grow" anymore as two people in love; where the only "direction" was sidewards or in, like I say above, circular, repetitive patterns; where there was a spat-to-fight going on once a week. But--and this most importantly--I went total NC when I knew that the foundation between was so strong--problems and all--that instinct signaled that it was time, really time, to put things to the ultimate test. No successful OW to W story that I know of--I know three--happened without an ultimatum and a period, often long, of some silence. Mine was three months. Keep this in mind.... Also, when I went total NC I told him, a couple of weeks,then days, prior, that I was going to do so. I announced it as if I were putting an ad in the paper for an apartment rental: just sort of matter-of-fact, no recriminations, no speeches, just "I am going to do this: you will not hear from me, you must decide your life's course of action, and I will be off sailing anyhow". He was not sympathetic, he was desperate, but "intellectually" he knew this course of action was the right one. I think this a proper way to go--in a calm announcement--rather than stomping off or slamming a door. The latter will leave you drained and pining for reconcilation or reassurance; the former sets you on top a bit. It makes you look good, it sets you free. (Notice I say "total NC" because, perhaps like you, earlier NC meant a few days of silence, a telephone call here and there, and then ultimately a meeting. That is not NC. That is whetting the appetite.) With NC you have to go in to Soldier Mode. You simply must. It is a trick, a discipline; it is about calling on reserves you did not think you had. You have to ruled by your Reason, by hard calculation and not your soft-spots; your emotional sympathies. These latter parts of your personality--your accomodation of him, your "bending the rules"--you have shown enough of that. He knows you love him. He has seen your emotional largesse at work for him. Now impress him with your discipline--I assure you, his respect for you will skyrocket... It is not so much about "detachment". You will not detach from a man whom you love, just "like that". It is about training yourselfto act a new way, to think a new way, to control yourself in a new way. It is, as I say, a discipline and it needs routine, daily practice and upkeep. When I went NC, I managed it like someone might manage a disease. Everyday talking myself through a slump, through missing him, easing through it, through the pain by being my own sharpest critic--a kind of mental, private wise-best-friend counseling through it all . PLEASE do not use "substances" (God no), as I have read some OW on here using, which will cover or smother pain, but not heal it authentically. Make your triumph happen the natural way: With a sense of outward focus on life; of self-protection, the ever important Big Picture(and the big picture is the only thing that ever matters) . When I went into NC mode I did not think: Oh, the rest of my life could be completely without him! I thought--"Okay, I will get through this today". Then the next day I'd say the same: "I did that well, now the next day"....and so on. Then it just stuck. I did not want to see him. Soon, you have a pattern of behavior--a new one, to which you have, as I say above, "trained" yourself. This is where you want to get to. If you "slide" back--you only will slide back into the mire. You will have to start all over again. DON'T. Remember why you decided to go NC in the first place. Because you want clarity. And thus, you must live and act in a clear--if brutal--way. Do not worry about missing him. Of course you will! And when you feel that creeping on, identify it, understand why it is happening, and force yourself beyond it. And you will get beyond it. Contacting him is not worth the emotional price that will, as you well know, settle in deeper and more painfully into your system. The ups and downs(or downs and downs!) are a part of the package. They will clear away. Besides, íf you don't have such feelings, then you'd question whether these feelings for him were that strong. So as I said, just manage this as it hits you, will personal calm and personal understanding. Don't feel shock or suprise when your emotional are flying all over the place. It is a catharsis--let it clean out. In my case, to temper missing my then MM I would think about the last-straw incident that really made me think, "Oh enough is enough with this". Its nothing new, a strategy as old as the hills, but an effective one. Reflect upon the frustration of all (not the "bad times" because your mind will race to remember the "good times"--think instead of frustration and exasperation) In my H's case (the "then-MM" !) he was back and forth and back and forth between his sense of guilt, catholicism, a teen-age son, 25 years of marriage...I mean, heavy-duty serious things, for which he went to a psycho-therapist to deal with. So you can imagine that for me going NC was killer because I wanted to "be there" and be sympathetic, nurturing and not to "abadnon" someone going through such a process. But then , "one day" , knowing that I had spent a good year as a nurturer, and then seeing my life too much at risk through the indecisiveness of this person, and after what I knew--and what he knew--was a "reasonable" (let's call it) amount of time together...I simply said: "I love you. But I will not do this anymore". I wrote in my original thread that I then went sailiing. I am a big believer that in a post "break up" situation you add some new talent or refine an old one, to give your life a sense of momentum, of action. It is exceedingly important , in my experience, that this forward-motion view of life never, ever hit a point of inertia. Not for anyone, not for anything. Anyway, it was like that, my last and (successful) NC: Calm, reassuring, confident (I had done all I could to that point, proved all I could)....Most of all, my actions were Clear. This is the key: If you want a clear answer from him, you yourself must act in a consistent, clear manner. Then watch how his actions will mirror yours. If you yo-yo, then so will he. Newton's Third Law: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction! Yes, Nature is wild, folks!: If you go NC, you have a better chance of a total relationship with him. Plain and "simple". NC, bastard devil hell-child that it is, is a win-win situation. If your MM wants to, dreams of, intends to, be with you, it will force him into action, and you will have learned this in an "authentic" manner(i.e. he really means what he says). If not, then you have handled the situation with total dignity, and after a while you will be far away from the situation and in a new pattern of thinking and behaving and will be ultimately able to, yes, detach from him totally. Get thee to Aix, Eyes! Get your provencal air, clean your system out a bit. Committ to NC, and then live that committment. It is your only way out of this. Your only way.
norajane Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 No I am not allowing him to have anything right now... right now he has my friendship, and love yes... as he knows he has my heart. Not allowing him to have anything? Your friendship, your love, your heart...sounds like you are allowing him to have a lot - all the best parts of you.
bonehead Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 He yet again asked me if I was "talking to someone else and if I was he would back off. He knows that is not the case at all, he feels me pulling away and did not even acknowledge me letting go. talking to someone else. You are talking to the person who will most help you make this hard decision. YOURSELF. And I think you hear what your trying to say, just having a hard time following the advice from a voice that has been in your position and knows it as well as you do.
forbidden fruit Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 That quote is the best yet. I was so moved by your words. I finally had a moment of clarity with my mm and the situation. Your quote just help me soldify my committment to NC. I sent a two line e-mail saying I think we both cannot jeopardize what we have since we are both married ,but here is where I went wrong . I said I will always be there for you. Oh well my bad but I am 100% committed and I have broken nc a zillion times, but for once nothing he can say or do will change how I feel. It is all not worth the pain and he has to know I will not budge on not being treated this way anymore. Strung along!!
pureinheart Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 Please forgive me, although am extremely angry due to a triggered memory. The unknown writer in Nearlythere's post is extremely well written, although a cheater is a cheater. This triggered a realization that I had just discovered while being in this forum..... My mother was BW and OW....My father married the OW and she made my life a living hell....Cinderella is my story....evil stepmother and 2 evil stepsisters..... The MM married my mother and when I got into teen years there were many attempted molestations, but I got away everytime...he cheated on my mother also....and I got 2 more evil stepsisters out of the deal. This is just highlights of the hell I went through and the hell I'm trying to overcome.... Am not angry with my parents as that is fruitless, but am angry at the fact that things were soooo bad that I supressed these memories and just now am dealing with it....so much could have been avoided....it was almost too late for my kids, as I didn't start to get help until the age of 32. That was an act of God....I went into a marriage restoration program to fix the stupid marriage, but instead the program was designed to restore the individual back to God....it was then I got a clue. The actions of today can affect all the generations to come....my mom and dad didn't think about that...maybe my grandparents did the same thing.....it passed to me....slightly passed to my kids....
frannie Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 The 'unknown poster' in the quote is Old Europe. If you do a search on her name you will come up with a lot of good advice she gave OW on this board. Particularly regarding NC. She was an OW at one time, and her MM left his W, got divorced and married her. Her posts are well worth reading.
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