Guest Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 This board is a godsend -where esle could we discuss this topic! I find many people are very understanding here. Now the premise of my thread is that NO children are involved (either the marriage produced no children or children are adults even married perhaps). I think someone who is in a loveless marriage with a a spouse who never quarrels with you, is generally kind, but is extremely boring and totally incapable of passions, and, to make things worse, is to a large degree dependent on you (for example ill health, aging, low income) -I think the person trapped in such a marriage is in a sense the most wretched soul, because your marriage appears so amicable and trouble-free, both from an outsider's eyes and inside your home, that you don't even seem to have an excuse to initiate a divorce. Your spouse wouldn't even understand that there is a problem in your marriage, even though presumably your haven't been intimate for a long time. Furthermore, if you lack determination or are too soft hearted, you would not even have the courage to tell your spouse that you want a divorce. I've seen quite a few such better-than-death marriages, in which one spouse is bored to death and longs for true love, passion, intimacy, while the other one is more than content about the status quo and has no clue about the other spouse's misery. Anyone has similar observations or experiences? Now what if the miserable spouse has met someone, and the two find each other a soul-mate and are in deep love? Naturally you desperately hope to be free from the present marriage in order to marry your beloved. But is that possible? Perhaps you will never be able to be free, like being imposed a life sentence, or perhaps the best outcome is an eventual divorce (perhaps 5 years later!) and you end up with huge alimony and losing 3/4 of your savings and pension. Now you'll be free, happy ... and poor (and 5 years older). I wonder if anyone is interested in this topic. Any feedback is welcome!
pureinheart Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 This is a most interesting senerio....the one S sounds like a passive/agressive personality and the dependancy is a game, a means for control, the other would be co-dependant....quite disfunctional!
Guest Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 the one S sounds like a passive/agressive personality and the dependancy is a game, a means for control Pureinheart, but no, maybe the actual effect is control, but the fact is, that boring spouse is totally unaware of what's going on in the other's mind, thus has NO intention to control at all, and that, I think, is where the true tragic sense lies: you have a spouse who doesn't love you, but nor hates you; (s)he bores you to death, but does all other things a spouse is expected to do for you. In other words (s)he is being "INNOCENT" in all your sufferings. This is someone you can't even communicate with regarding emotional needs. You can't have resentment, for the other may be quite a gentle soul. You are simply BORED TO DEATH without being able to make the other party be aware or understand it. Isn't that worse than death. (In my original post I typed "better-than-death" when I meant "worse-than-death")
Meaplus3 Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 This board is a godsend -where esle could we discuss this topic! I find many people are very understanding here. Now the premise of my thread is that NO children are involved (either the marriage produced no children or children are adults even married perhaps). I think someone who is in a loveless marriage with a a spouse who never quarrels with you, is generally kind, but is extremely boring and totally incapable of passions, and, to make things worse, is to a large degree dependent on you (for example ill health, aging, low income) -I think the person trapped in such a marriage is in a sense the most wretched soul, because your marriage appears so amicable and trouble-free, both from an outsider's eyes and inside your home, that you don't even seem to have an excuse to initiate a divorce. Your spouse wouldn't even understand that there is a problem in your marriage, even though presumably your haven't been intimate for a long time. Furthermore, if you lack determination or are too soft hearted, you would not even have the courage to tell your spouse that you want a divorce. I've seen quite a few such better-than-death marriages, in which one spouse is bored to death and longs for true love, passion, intimacy, while the other one is more than content about the status quo and has no clue about the other spouse's misery. Anyone has similar observations or experiences? Now what if the miserable spouse has met someone, and the two find each other a soul-mate and are in deep love? Naturally you desperately hope to be free from the present marriage in order to marry your beloved. But is that possible? Perhaps you will never be able to be free, like being imposed a life sentence, or perhaps the best outcome is an eventual divorce (perhaps 5 years later!) and you end up with huge alimony and losing 3/4 of your savings and pension. Now you'll be free, happy ... and poor (and 5 years older). I wonder if anyone is interested in this topic. Any feedback is welcome! I would agree with you there about the one spouse that is kind hearted not to say anything and seems very comfy! I think comfy and poor communication spell trouble. We all need to lash out in our marriage's from time to time, I know that is healthy. In my marriage it's the opposite. To much arguing, very loveless. If you are unhappy you might want to consider a divorce. What is it that you need the most from a marriage? AP
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