Is it really about unmet needs!

[Mz. Pixie]

I believe affairs can start because of unmet needs but in reality at one time or another we all have needs that aren't met 100% of the time and not everyone is unfaithful. So it is more of an excuse for the cheater to use to justify his or her behavior. We all have unmet needs it is how we deal with them that matters.

 

This is partly true, but what about when the person cannot live happily without that need being met??? That does happen. Every single person has the one need that they simply cannot be happy forever not having it met. When that one thing isn't met then that is when it begins to be hard to continue to go on in the relationship without changes- positive or negative.

 

For men, it may be sex- for some women it's affection. Heck, yours could be that you require a spouse that has a JOB- whatever it is that is your basic core need.

[Mz. Pixie]

Later, when he is found cheating and mired to the neck in an affair, he is condemed to near death for his infidelity.

 

 

I am intimately aware of this. Everyone in my life knew my husband wasn't living as he should be living and making his family and marriage a priority. Somehow that was all forgotten when I had an affair. I think that's ridiculous just because sex was involved.

 

In my case, I did everything I could do in my opinion. I tried talking, crying, yelling, withholding, articles, books, begging for counseling and then at the end just telling him I'd leave him or have an affair if he didn't start working on his marriage.

 

Only for him to look at me and tell me "He didn't have time to work on his marriage"

 

At the time I said it, I had no one in mind to cheat with, and it was really a bluff. Only later did I end up getting too close with a family friend and it led to a brief affair.

[Mz. Pixie]

MS,

 

I've asked this question many times. All I can gather is that she thinks everything is ok. Except she does complain that I don't fix things around the house as much as she'd like me to. I try, but I HATE it and I'm no good at it. So I generally just hire a guy to do it.

 

I understand how you feel Scriv.

 

My fears for you are-

 

1. You get caught. Believe me, this is not a pretty picture. It's about 100 times worse than you actually fear it will be.

 

2. Your wife tells your kids. Then you lose honor in their eyes- which is what you wanted to avoid in the first place.

 

3. You fall in love with OW and she presses you to leave your wife or causes a scene. Or worse gets pregnant.

 

Why not just sit your wife down and tell her you're not willing to live with things the way they are and that you're contemplating exploring your options if things do not change??? You don't have to tell her what those options are, just that you are exploring them. Put it to her that you are not happy and that you refuse to live like that anymore. Ask her if would be okay for you to take a mistress to meet those "pesky unmet needs that she refuses to acknowledge".

 

I just do not get it. I do not get it how either spouse can sit there and ignore the other persons needs and expect them to tolerate it. Especially when those needs are normal and not perverse.

 

I've been where you are Scriv- and it sucks. I had to get out or literally end up in the mental ward. So, for my kids to have a healthy mom, I figured it would be better for them to have her part time and healthy, than never because she was in the mental ward. So I gave up everything I'd worked for for 13 years, split custody with my ex, and sought some life while I still could have one. My biggest regret is giving up part of my time with my kids.

 

But I have a life now that I didn't have before. A spouse who loves to spend time with me and desires to meet my needs. One who goes out of his way for me and puts me first. I think it's healthy for my children to see me although divorced but happier than I've ever been in my life, than to see me in the mental ward.

 

Seriously, you don't want your kids to think you're a cheater- and that's what will happen when/if you get caught.

[NoIDidn't]

Great posts MzP and Rio.

 

I know that I am coming off as writing off the WS, but the thing is my needs were going unmet too. But I didn't cheat. I didn't have the opportunity. My H simply didn't bother telling me anything. He is that much of a conflict avoider. He is getting better, but not much. Old habits die hard.

 

Unmet needs will get more attention when I know about them. I told him my needs on a regular basis. It went ignored. I considered the consequences of getting them met in other ways, including a "special friend", but didn't want to do that to my family (all of it).

 

I just feel the time spent thinking about another person possibly meeting those needs, is better spent with the person you have vowed to let meet those needs trying to show them how.

 

Rooster, I completely agree with the backing off thing. I don't understand why it seems that men keep trying the one thing that a woman is pushing them not to do. As for the abuse issue - that probably had a lot to do with it. Speaking from personal experience. You can PM if you want to.

[Guest]

Just some stuff I've come across:

 

 

Several marriage therapists use a simple analogy to illustrate this loss of romantic love. They call it the love, or the emotional, bank. Every day, we make various size deposits in the love bank when we do something to meet our spouse’s needs. When we do something that hurts our mate emotionally, or fail to meet his or her needs, it’s considered a withdrawal from the love bank. During the dating and early marriage stages, the banks are full, we are in love. Over time, the negatives begin to pile up and the withdrawals can deplete the “love bank.”

 

When you do nice things for your spouse/SO, you are making a deposit. When your spouse does something nice for you, then your spouse is making a deposit. When you give your spouse a sincere compliment, you are making a deposit. When you come home late from a night out with your friends and your spouse is upset, you are making a withdrawal.

 

What are those “little things” that can drain the love bank, and destroy romantic love?

 

Angry outbursts

Disrespectful judgements

Annoying behaviors

Selfish demands

Dishonesty

 

Which of these apply to you and your personality? **

[riobikini]

Scrivdog, I'm hoping you can see that -above all- you have a host of people here in this thread who are actually rooting for you.

 

But it's just the following excerpts from the dialogue that causes me to suspect that *real* clarifying communication between you and your wife is terribly lacking.

 

Take another look at the following:

 

Scrivdog: "....some of guys do need the emotional connection and we also need not to get yelled at every day because the spouse happens to feel angry for something we had nothing to do with."

 

Mustang Sally: " What, if you please, does your wife tell you are her issues/unmet needs? "

 

Scrivdog: " I've asked this question many times. All I can gather is that she thinks everything is ok."

 

By choosing the very words you use in the first excerpt, and the way you link them together to convey that particular situation, it implies a strong overriding tone of helplessness (on your part) in the way you seem to be *wanting* to understand *why* she has just shut you out -and certainly that you want to understand the *real* reason why she harbors such anger towards you.

 

It makes me wonder, too, what underlying reasons she has for the (obvious) anger that comes out (towards you) in trivial matters.

 

So what's under there? Why is she so distant? Why is she so angry?

 

In the second excerpt, MustangSally is basically asking a question that has more potential than anything else, to reveal whether or not *you* have actually *boldly* confronted these problems, spilling out and truly emptying yourself of all these pent-up questions, feelings, and frustrations in an attempt to change these damaging behavior patterns that you've allowed to develop between you.

 

But in the third excerpt, your phrase " All I can gather..." in regards to her response was enough to cause me to wonder if your attempt was dissuaded by fear and whether or not you didn't quite make your feelings, questions, and position with the whole matter as clear as you possibly could have, and opted out of the "hot seat" of the confrontation to get your answer from her -and subsequently wound up empty-handed just to "save the peace".

 

But what "peace"? and at what cost to your marriage?

 

There could be other reasons, of course, for your choice of words -perhaps, her response was so confused and rambling that it made no sense to you.

 

No matter what the reason -it is not surprising that the real problem here, seems to be (again) mainly *communication*.

 

Not being able to communicate well can cause frustration.

 

It can cause hurt feelings, resentment, feelings of abandonment, alienation, loneliness, despair, unforgiveness, bitterness, and as many other "bad" emotions as you can think of that usually derive from not being in harmony with the heart, soul, and mind of someone you love (or not having it reciprocated) through good, positive communication -and it can be "good" , sometimes, even if it provokes your partner to respond.

 

It's always astounding to me -but never surprising- the many people who shut down the main arteries of communication once they become hurt by something of varying degrees of significance at some point in a relationship -and never tell their partner what it is that they are hurt over.

 

In time, those "secret hurts" become compounded and confused with other issues.

 

It's obvious, Scrivdog, that *you* are hurting -but I wonder what your wife is hurting over that may have caused her emotional "shutdown".

 

Both of you have become like oysters focusing on a grain of sand in your shell, closest to your most sensitive parts -but you are creating anything but a pearl.

 

As with any post submitted dealing with all the "unknowns" and the many different details in individual circumstances, no one really knows your circumstances better than you. Only you have the "inside" info that sheds the most light, and by which you are led to your best answer and outcome.

 

Remember, too, that with all I have said, it was spoken in utter kindness and thoughfulness in regards to your situation.

 

No matter how you choose to deal with your situation, I wish you *happiness* -longlasting, fulfilling, and complete.

 

(Smile)

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[riobikini]

Good morning! (Smile)

 

Rooster -didn't mean to take over your thread- just one more post on this partner estrangement and miscommunication issue that happens so often.

 

Just thought that the following might be helpful to someone. As you read, try to spot any "windows of opportunity" you see that might be a turning point to avoid the kind of situation(s) that are being discussed in this thread: the lack of communication thing, especially.

 

I agree that it does sound a little corny, at first, but I think that some might see an outline of the downward progression of their own relationship in the following.

 

And it might be good food for thought for anyone who is beginning to feel a "chill" in their relationship.

 

Here it is:

 

Dating/Falling-in-Love Couple: Wow! We really hit it off! I can't stop thinking about you. I think you're the greatest! And this is sex I've ever had! All I want to do is be around you -be with you, see more of you. We connect so perfectly! I think I'm falling in love with you. I think you're "the one".

 

Newlywed Couple-Phase#1: Even better! Still can't get enough of you! Crazy about you! Want to miss work to be with you.

 

Newlywed Couple-Phase#2: Let's make a baby!

 

Newlywed Couple-Phase#3: Standing in the afterglow of becoming new parents. This is perfection -this is how it's always going to be with us: perfect.

 

Beginning of Parenthood: Every little thing is a wonder to behold. But there's less sex...less time for "us"....and I can't miss any work now -we need the money...overtime, extra cash is important.

 

 

By Kindergarten: Our lives are so routine. Sex is so routine. We never talk anymore, I don't feel as close, anymore -as if we haven't connected for ages. I'm missing the spark we had when we began.

 

A few more years: I don't know who you are, anymore; I know what you do -but not who you are. You are not the you I used to know and fell in love with. I need someone to recognize me...someone to think I'm sexy, exciting, interesting, and appealing...someone who wants me...someone who makes me feel alive again. You don't seem to want any of those things anymore.

 

Closest to the End: I tried to get your attention...I told you how I feel...you didn't listen. You haven't listened for a long time. I miss the way we were -the way we began. I gave it all I had...you didn't even try. I still love you....if I only knew you wanted this to work again, I'd stay. But I don't see that. By the way, there's someone else...she/he makes me feel good about myself...like I'm special...like they care about me....like *you* used to....we connect....and I feel alive, again.

 

The End: We were so good together in the beginning -what went wrong?

 

So what *did* go wrong? What's going wrong in *your* own relationship right now? Recognize any of this?

 

And did you see any of those "windows of opportunity" that might have turned this kind of situation around?

 

-Rio

[Mz. Pixie]

I know that I am coming off as writing off the WS' date=' but the thing is my needs were going unmet too. But I didn't cheat. I didn't have the opportunity. My H simply didn't bother telling me anything. He is that much of a conflict avoider. He is getting better, but not much. Old habits die hard [/quote']

 

I understand where you're coming from. I do. You stated above that you didn't have the opportunity. It has to do with whether or not the particular need that wasn't getting met is one that you can live without or not. Obviously you could because you did. You were probably too busy to think about cheating- running the house and taking care of the kids.

 

Unmet needs will get more attention when I know about them. I told him my needs on a regular basis. It went ignored. I considered the consequences of getting them met in other ways, including a "special friend", but didn't want to do that to my family (all of it).

 

Good for you that you didn't fall to temptation.

 

I just feel the time spent thinking about another person possibly meeting those needs, is better spent with the person you have vowed to let meet those needs trying to show them how

 

I agree, however when you continue to tell the person and they don't listen or won't invest in the marriage then you build up resentment. You certainly know what I'm talking about judging by your post.

 

[NoIDidn't]

Good for you that you didn't fall to temptation.

 

Its not at all that I am not continually tempted. I still think about it. I do.

 

But here is the problem for me: its not so much "unmet needs" as it is "inappropriate wants".

 

If I can acknowledge this in myself, I don't see why some of the waywards can't. This isn't a judgment, its a question. I think I am just too scared of the consequences of actually cheating to actually do it. I mean, I don't want a divorce - I don't think most that do cheat clearly want one either (at least not 100%).

 

I don't know, got a lot my mind today and not *communicating* it very well. Where is that coffee!!!

[riobikini]

re:

 

NoIDidn't: "...here is the problem for me: its not so much "unmet needs" as it is "inappropriate wants"."

 

 

I think you pegged it with that statement!!!

 

And the opportunity to act on those "inappropriate wants" (no matter what prompted them to develop) is most likely what is really being said when a potential cheater says, " My needs are not being met".

 

-Rio

[Rooster_DAR]

re:

 

 

 

 

I think you pegged it with that statement!!!

 

And the opportunity to act on those "inappropriate wants" (no matter what prompted them to develop) is most likely what is really being said when a potential cheater says, " My needs are not being met".

 

-Rio

 

An absolutely brilliant observation!!! Rio, I think I said it before but you would do great in the field of psychiatry or human relations.

 

Excellent!

[cranium]

But here is the problem for me: its not so much "unmet needs" as it is "inappropriate wants".

 

I think you pegged it with that statement!!!

 

And the opportunity to act on those "inappropriate wants" (no matter what prompted them to develop) is most likely what is really being said when a potential cheater says, " My needs are not being met".

 

What constitutes an "inappropriate want"? Maybe we're dealing with "unmet wants" instead of "unmet needs".

 

I may not "need" monkey sex (ee ee ee) or oral sex or lingerie or a little light when we're intimate, but is it inappropriate to "want" these things? Absolutely not.

I also don't believe it is inappropriate to have expectations that some of these "wants" be fulfilled every once in awhile. It's easy to say don't ever have any expectations (I preach it all the time); tougher to practice.

 

 

Not being able to communicate well can cause frustration.

 

It can cause hurt feelings, resentment, feelings of abandonment, alienation, loneliness, despair, unforgiveness, bitterness, and as many other "bad" emotions as you can think of that usually derive from not being in harmony with the heart, soul, and mind of someone you love (or not having it reciprocated) through good, positive communication -and it can be "good" , sometimes, even if it provokes your partner to respond.

 

Needs and/or wants that have been communicated and continue to go unmet, ignored, whatever for long periods of time will cause these feeling also. So, then we progress to -

 

I tried to get your attention...I told you how I feel...you didn't listen. You haven't listened for a long time. I miss the way we were -the way we began. I gave it all I had...you didn't even try. I still love you....if I only knew you wanted this to work again, I'd stay. But I don't see that. By the way, there's someone else...she/he makes me feel good about myself...like I'm special...like they care about me....like *you* used to....we connect....and I feel alive, again.

 

Additionally, this someone else isn't unwilling to take a look at some of my "wants" that you have deemed "inappropriate". I've requested the opportunity to act on these "wants" with you, but you have continuously declined for X # of years.

[NoIDidn't]

What constitutes an "inappropriate want"? Maybe we're dealing with "unmet wants" instead of "unmet needs".

 

What I meant by that was this:

 

I may have unmet needs, but when I start accepting thoughts of having someone other than my spouse to meet them they become "inappropriate wants". Inappropriate because I have promised exclusivity to my spouse and must deal with it with my spouse and no one else.

 

That's it.

[cranium]

What I meant by that was this:

 

I may have unmet needs, but when I start accepting thoughts of having someone other than my spouse to meet them they become "inappropriate wants". Inappropriate because I have promised exclusivity to my spouse and must deal with it with my spouse and no one else.

 

We all want to be desired and attractions to other people are normal. I've had thoughts before of having someone other than my spouse and even acted upon those thoughts. My thoughts may have been "inappropriate" and my actions most definitely were b/c I too had promised exclusivity to my spouse, but not my "wants".

[Mz. Pixie]

What I meant by that was this:

 

I may have unmet needs, but when I start accepting thoughts of having someone other than my spouse to meet them they become "inappropriate wants". Inappropriate because I have promised exclusivity to my spouse and must deal with it with my spouse and no one else.

 

That's it.

 

Yes, I get this, because I did it myself for many many years. Yet the right set of emotional circumstances leading up to my affair made me more vulnerable than in the past. I'd had plenty of opportunity but had always had enough morals to stop the situation before I started enjoying the contact with the other person.

 

Once you start interacting with this person and it feels good that they give you attention when your spouse doesn't, then that is where the trouble lies. You don't want to stop because it feels good, you think it's harmless etc.

 

Before long you're so addicted to getting what you can't get from your spouse that you'll do anything to keep it going. It's an addiction to that rush of endorphins.

 

That's what happened in my case anyway.

 

Has your H ever expressed to you what his unmet needs were?? Has he ever asked you for more sex or something along those lines that he didn't receive??

 

I'm not accusing you of anything, just trying to get to what his thought process probably was at the time...........

[Mustang Sally]

Once you start interacting with this person and it feels good that they give you attention when your spouse doesn't, then that is where the trouble lies. You don't want to stop because it feels good, you think it's harmless etc.

 

Before long you're so addicted to getting what you can't get from your spouse that you'll do anything to keep it going. It's an addiction to that rush of endorphins.

 

Boy, you've got that right, sister! For me it was attention from a person that I had long felt attracted to, but never thought about much beyond recognition of that (rather banal) fact. Then he started sending me vibes and the timing was, shall I say, right on because of other things that have been going on in M.

 

It hasn't gone beyond vibes back and forth, but I have had some weaker moments where I have thought much about that possibility.

[riobikini]

I really think MustangSally, MzPixie, and NoIDidn't are onto something, here!

 

In just the last few posts you've all made it crystal clear what the driving force is (and I think, for many) that's often behind the statement, " You aren't meeting my needs."

 

It's like the poster said -it's those "inappropriate wants" that are really pulling the wagon.

 

And the more time you spend focusing and daydreaming on all the excitement and fantastical possibilities of your new interest, it causes your interest in your partner to fade -he/she just can't compete!

 

You begin to feed off the daydreams and it just emphasizes all your partner *isn't*, or *doesn't have*, or *can't do* for you that you imagine your secret new interest can do.

 

Suddenly, your partner is like a half-empty can of Coke that's been sitting on the coffee table all night: you've already had some of that -and what's left has lost it's fizz.

 

So, in order to justify your "inappropriate want" and continue to feed your excitement, you have to *allow* yourself to keep thinking of all the differences between your partner and the new guy/girl and comparing the two: one who excites you -and the other who, in comparison, is dull and boring.

 

Your partner doesn't really have a snowball's chance to win in this as long as you are doing the comparison using your present runaway emotions.

 

You're not giving him/her credit for the time spent in the relationship going through the normal ups and downs, you're not looking at any of the positive qualities he/she might have -you're only focusing on what he/she isn't.

 

Any excuse then, to keep your exciting new interest at the top of your "A" list -automatically is used to disqualify your partner from his/her position as the person you want most to be with.

 

It becomes all about the new interest and what he/she can do for you; how they make you feel.

 

Even if you secretly feel a bit sorry for your partner at times, you quickly get over it by focusing on the new person and how they make you feel.

 

But I think most affairs are usually based on desires and emotions that wind up being very shallow and superficial, after all, and normally can't stand the true test of time as far as having a meaningful relationship goes.

 

Affairs, although, a lot of thought goes into the daydreaming and fantasizing- are usually not really well thought out, at all, in respect to the realism of long-term futures of anyone involved.

 

They can mislead you, wreck your life, cause tremendous pain and loss, just because the marriage (or other committed partnership) grew somewhat dull over time and created a door for this kind of mistake to happen.

 

-Rio

[Rooster_DAR]

I don't think the spurned spouse can compete with an affair. Unless the affair is brought out into the open, and the person having the affair can somehow agree to try to stop it by going to therapy, then there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. It will have to die a natural death, and usually by that time the marriage/commitment is too far gone to go back.

 

The chances get a little better if the affair is exposed, but it still very chancy. When an affair is exposed, some of the secrecy that drives the attraction is taken away, and at this point there is some fighting chance and a possible window of oppurtunity to save the relationship. Do you really want to save it? Lot's of people at this point will see the demise of the relationship and move on, that's where I'm at right now.

 

Regards,

[Mz. Pixie]

I don't think the spurned spouse can compete with an affair. Unless the affair is brought out into the open, and the person having the affair can somehow agree to try to stop it by going to therapy, then there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. It will have to die a natural death, and usually by that time the marriage/commitment is too far gone to go back.

 

The chances get a little better if the affair is exposed, but it still very chancy. When an affair is exposed, some of the secrecy that drives the attraction is taken away, and at this point there is some fighting chance and a possible window of oppurtunity to save the relationship. Do you really want to save it? Lot's of people at this point will see the demise of the relationship and move on, that's where I'm at right now.

 

Regards,

 

I think one can stop an affair. By gathering evidence and going with exposure as marriage builders advocates. You call the Om's wife or the OW's husband! Once the affair is brought to light it's not as much fun.

[Rooster_DAR]

I think one can stop an affair. By gathering evidence and going with exposure as marriage builders advocates. You call the Om's wife or the OW's husband! Once the affair is brought to light it's not as much fun.

 

One can stop an affair, but it takes exposure first. But the longer the affair continues without intervention, the harder/less likely it will be to fix the problem.

[riobikini]

I agree with you, Rooster, about the "excitement" being a driving catalyst in an affair.

 

With those involved in having an affair, I think it *does* add an extra side-dish of excitement (an adrenaline rush, sometimes?) in regards to sneaking around: throwing in a little of the James Bond drama-thing kind of goes along with the kind of over-the-top type of sex you're duped into believing you're actually having with your fellow cheater.

 

Without the 007 stuff going I doubt the sex would be as good.

 

I think with a lot of affairs it's all about fulfilling an old fantasy rather than any *real* need that may have existed -and certainly none that couldn't have involved your very own partner.

 

It's like grasping for the last straws of your fleeting youth, your freedom, your single-hood, your no-strings-attached status *before* you were pinned down to this relationship which -as it turns out- is just no darn fun!

 

You believe that it's about getting something you think you've been cheated out of, or missing out on -a way of rectifying a "mistake" you made with your life when you committed to a partnership.

 

You wonder if you were wrong when you believed your partner was "the one".

 

And the affair you are having just seems to gain strength in confirming your thoughts.

 

It makes you feel alive, it provides loads of excitement and drama, it can be bittersweet, extremely fulfilling during the brief times you are together, it can be *all that* and then some -but most affairs have the most creatively convincing methods of causing you to lie to yourself about the harm and damage you're doing to all the lives around you that will, inevitably, be touched by the wrongfulness of the affair.

 

Affairs usually come from the panting, misled perceptions of a bored *mind* -not wrought from the deep of the *heart*.

 

-Rio

[riobikini]

Oh -and by the way, Cranium: regarding the following...

 

Cranium: " What constitutes an "inappropriate want"? Maybe we're dealing with "unmet wants" instead of "unmet needs".

 

I may not "need" monkey sex (ee ee ee) or oral sex or lingerie or a little light when we're intimate, but is it inappropriate to "want" these things? Absolutely not."

 

 

For the sake of clarification, in part, you are correct.

 

An "inappropriate want", though, is wanting to sleep with that guy or that gal -even though you already have a partner -and to the point where you devote so much time thinking about another person that you create fantasies that interfere with your present reality.

 

Then you *act* upon them and allow them to rob you of time, money, family, and create all manner of potential loss in the end.

 

An "unmet want" would be more like you describe: something you want but your marriage or partnership wouldn't necessarily die without having.

 

Some call it the "spice" in a relationship.

 

It's actually the "icing" in the relationship that's just so sticky sweet that you probably couldn't tolerate everyday, anyway!

 

Partner #1: I don't feel as if you are as sexually attracted to me, as before.

 

Partner#2: I didn't realize you were feeling that way...and I want to change how you feel. Suggestions?

 

So Partner#1 begins the conversation defining those "wants" that weren't getting met.

 

An " unmet need" is something absolutely essential to the realtionship, and is very similar to the "wants", above -except that these should happen more often, or on a daily basis.

 

You need respect, displays of affection, kind words, understanding, physical touch, and all those things that bind two people together and assure each other that they will be there, day after day, and that their love, caring and true heart will always be available to each other.

 

These are the things that are most likely to keep the door *closed* to potential affairs.

 

-Rio

 

 

 

 

 

Partner#1: Can we

[Rooster_DAR]

Oh -and by the way, Cranium: regarding the following...

 

 

 

 

For the sake of clarification, in part, you are correct.

 

An "inappropriate want", though, is wanting to sleep with that guy or that gal -even though you already have a partner -and to the point where you devote so much time thinking about another person that you create fantasies that interfere with your present reality.

 

Then you *act* upon them and allow them to rob you of time, money, family, and create all manner of potential loss in the end.

 

An "unmet want" would be more like you describe: something you want but your marriage or partnership wouldn't necessarily die without having.

 

Some call it the "spice" in a relationship.

 

It's actually the "icing" in the relationship that's just so sticky sweet that you probably couldn't tolerate everyday, anyway!

 

Partner #1: I don't feel as if you are as sexually attracted to me, as before.

 

Partner#2: I didn't realize you were feeling that way...and I want to change how you feel. Suggestions?

 

So Partner#1 begins the conversation defining those "wants" that weren't getting met.

 

An " unmet need" is something absolutely essential to the realtionship, and is very similar to the "wants", above -except that these should happen more often, or on a daily basis.

 

You need respect, displays of affection, kind words, understanding, physical touch, and all those things that bind two people together and assure each other that they will be there, day after day, and that their love, caring and true heart will always be available to each other.

 

These are the things that are most likely to keep the door *closed* to potential affairs.

 

-Rio

 

 

 

 

 

Partner#1: Can we

 

Yes, very true. The problem is, most or many people don't have the tools to do this, including myself. It's easy to say these things need to be done, but without practice it's going to be failure. Hopefully we can all take this hearbreak and use these wise words and ideas to build the next relationship even stronger, providing the current one is finished that is.

 

Thanks Rio.

[riobikini]

re:

 

RoosterDAR: " The problem is, most or many people don't have the tools to do this, including myself. It's easy to say these things need to be done, but without practice it's going to be failure. Hopefully we can all take this hearbreak and use these wise words and ideas to build the next relationship even stronger, providing the current one is finished that is."

 

Your last eight words made me smile.

 

It also made me think of someone I know well, who was a self-professed home improvement guy who just could seem to *finish* any of his projects.

 

One after another he'd start these elaborately detailed projects -a three level deck, a cobblestone patio, a huge landscaping project- but *none* of them made it to the *finished* phase. (Smile)

 

Yet, he kept beginning new projects.

 

Just as with this home improvement guy, I think we "want it all" when it comes to relationships, but like you state, sometimes, we just don't stay long enough with the "project" to finish it.

 

We become disillusioned, distracted, frustrated, and feel defeated by our lack of skill, knowledge, and poorly-formed methods, so we give up.

 

I think we all need to expect at least some failure with something as complicated as a relationship -especially, if we're looking for one that will last a lifetime.

 

However, fear of failure gets the best of us far too many times -and keeping in the "building" theme, here, I think that, with more effort and determination (dogged stick-to-it-iveness) we can beat statistical odds and wind up building a relationship that's strong enough to produce generations (children and grandchildren) who might just one day use your example as a blueprint to construct their own lives.

 

But one project at a time, please.

 

(Smile)

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[Rooster_DAR]

re:

 

 

 

Your last eight words made me smile.

 

It also made me think of someone I know well, who was a self-professed home improvement guy who just could seem to *finish* any of his projects.

 

One after another he'd start these elaborately detailed projects -a three level deck, a cobblestone patio, a huge landscaping project- but *none* of them made it to the *finished* phase. (Smile)

 

Yet, he kept beginning new projects.

 

Just as with this home improvement guy, I think we "want it all" when it comes to relationships, but like you state, sometimes, we just don't stay long enough with the "project" to finish it.

 

We become disillusioned, distracted, frustrated, and feel defeated by our lack of skill, knowledge, and poorly-formed methods, so we give up.

 

I think we all need to expect at least some failure with something as complicated as a relationship -especially, if we're looking for one that will last a lifetime.

 

However, fear of failure gets the best of us far too many times -and keeping in the "building" theme, here, I think that, with more effort and determination (dogged stick-to-it-iveness) we can beat statistical odds and wind up building a relationship that's strong enough to produce generations (children and grandchildren) who might just one day use your example as a blueprint to construct their own lives.

 

But one project at a time, please.

 

(Smile)

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

 

This goes back to what you were talking about when I chatted with you long ago when I first joined LS. You were also saying, and what I was driving at, is that the gap between women and men has gone from one extreme to the other, and at some point it will snap back like a rubber band. Except hopefully this time, we can stop it at the pivot point of equality where both genders understand all of this, and can finally come to a sort of "sanction if you will" and humans can start gaining healthier relationships.

 

Cheers!