Author tinktronik Posted December 16, 2006 Author Posted December 16, 2006 This guy is a bit older than you right? How much longer do you think you can go before you make up your mind what to do? Oh... How much older is he than you Tink ? He's 42 . 14 almost 15 years older than me . I think tops 6 more weeks and then i make a stand on finding a place or him finding a place .
Author tinktronik Posted December 16, 2006 Author Posted December 16, 2006 This hurts. Married or not, this is the root of why things are the way they are now. To not feel needed, or important enough to the one you love sucks and he's acting selfish by making you low on his priority list. WTF. AC and PG are right. Start living for YOU, and let him see how things could be like for him if you two did split up...I think he's taken advantage of you and has forgotten what brought you two together...Yes I agree , I will get out and do things more often . Things exploded last night . At lunch time he had me come pick up his paycheck to go drop it in the bank before the close of biz hours . I went to his work with a friend , his bank is about an hour from here so I made a trip of it . While we were at his work , he told me " Hey , take the evening off work , lets all get together and go out tonight. " I was amazed because he doesn't ever seem to want to spend time with me and to tell me to take the night off work much less to go do something is almost unheard of . So me and some of our friends decide to make a night of it . I get home from the bank and call around , I found a play at the theatre last night and a group of friends wanting to go too . . So plans are set . He gets home from work , happy . Says he has to run by a guy he works withs house , go ahead meet my friends for dinner , he will be back by the time dinner is done, and to come back to the house and pick him up . So I went ahead with dinner with friends , had fun , and decided to go get him . So everyone else goes ahead to meet us , I go back to the house to get him . He's not home yet . So I checked the phone , no call from him. Hours go by ; at midnight he finnally walks in 5 hours after he left . Im like WTF ???? We had plans . He gets mad and goes on about never spending time with his friends , that he just got started playing music and was having fun so he stayed ; all the while claiming that Im just jealous he's spending time with friends . He says that what he was doing was fun because Im a downer , blah blah blah . He claims to not have realized we had set plans . That it should be justified because he never spends time with friends . I was just so excited that he wanted to go out and do something with me , I made plans and then basically got stood up . And it was like the first time in three years that he'd been like "hey lets go do something together ."
johan Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 I think the age difference is going to play a part in this. It may be part of the reason for the distance you are feeling from him.
Author tinktronik Posted December 16, 2006 Author Posted December 16, 2006 I think the age difference is going to play a part in this. It may be part of the reason for the distance you are feeling from him. Perhaps it plays a part . Once upon a time we were very very good friends ; we were the couple people would ask how we do it . but over time things have just gotten all blah.
Porn_Guy Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 I think the age difference is going to play a part in this. It may be part of the reason for the distance you are feeling from him. yea...esp when she's listening to Nelly Furtado and he's listening to The Stones.
Author tinktronik Posted December 16, 2006 Author Posted December 16, 2006 yea...esp when she's listening to Nelly Furtado and he's listening to The Stones.Aparently , Alpha ...er I mean porn guy , youre listening to both .
whichwayisup Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 What an inconsiderate JERK! Tink, I feel for you on this and all I can say is sooner or later you may have to actually spell it out for him - Not in an "ultimatium" kind of way, but enough that he knows if he doesn't start working on fixing things with you and putting in effort, he's going to lose you. Consquences...Until he feels it and realizes it (meaning, it affects him deeply) he won't change.
Author tinktronik Posted December 16, 2006 Author Posted December 16, 2006 What an inconsiderate JERK! Tink, I feel for you on this and all I can say is sooner or later you may have to actually spell it out for him - Not in an "ultimatium" kind of way, but enough that he knows if he doesn't start working on fixing things with you and putting in effort, he's going to lose you. Consquences...Until he feels it and realizes it (meaning, it affects him deeply) he won't change. I have set down a time line , if things do not start atleast getting better in the next six weeks . It's time to divide up the "stuff" and count my losses.
alphamale Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 I have set down a time line , if things do not start atleast getting better in the next six weeks . It's time to divide up the "stuff" and count my losses. Things aren't going to magically get better TINK...cut your losses now. Relationships either get better over time or they get worse over time. Yours is the latter scenario.
Rooster_DAR Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 Perhaps it plays a part . Once upon a time we were very very good friends ; we were the couple people would ask how we do it . but over time things have just gotten all blah. Yup, I said the same thing about my EX. I thought we were the exception to all the crappy relationships out there today. Anyone who thinks this can't happen, is in for a gross wake up call. Cheers!
Porn_Guy Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 Yup, I said the same thing about my EX. I thought we were the exception to all the crappy relationships out there today. Anyone who thinks this can't happen, is in for a gross wake up call. yep, the old "it won't happen to me" style of thinking. well you know what folks?!! IT HAPPENS TO EVERYONE
Rooster_DAR Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 yep, the old "it won't happen to me" style of thinking. well you know what folks?!! IT HAPPENS TO EVERYONE Damaging to one's pride as well I must admit. i.e. How could someone do this to me!!! Oh not me!!!! Oh no they didn't! LOL
Author tinktronik Posted December 16, 2006 Author Posted December 16, 2006 Damaging to one's pride as well I must admit. i.e. How could someone do this to me!!! Oh not me!!!! Oh no they didn't! LOL What exactly is the point of this statement? I never said it wouldn't happen to me or poor poor me.
johan Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 I think you must be glad you didn't have a kid with him. Nothing against you, but he was 36 and you were 21 when you got together. That's so risky. I'm sure you're really sweet and good to him. I'm 36, and I can't imagine going after a 21 year old. Maybe for a fling of some sort, but I don't see how I could really connect with someone so much younger and then get into a long-term relationship. Of course, if she were really gorgeous and sweet, then I'm sure my judgment would be twisted and I'd give it some serious thought. But I think I might be pretty worried about our future. And what's going on with you is what I'd be afraid would happen. But I do hope that you and he can put it back on track and be happy together. That would be nice to see for a change. It seems like people only ever break up.
Author tinktronik Posted December 16, 2006 Author Posted December 16, 2006 I think you must be glad you didn't have a kid with him. Nothing against you, but he was 36 and you were 21 when you got together. That's so risky. I'm sure you're really sweet and good to him. I'm 36, and I can't imagine going after a 21 year old. Maybe for a fling of some sort, but I don't see how I could really connect with someone so much younger and then get into a long-term relationship. Of course, if she were really gorgeous and sweet, then I'm sure my judgment would be twisted and I'd give it some serious thought. But I think I might be pretty worried about our future. And what's going on with you is what I'd be afraid would happen. But I do hope that you and he can put it back on track and be happy together. That would be nice to see for a change. It seems like people only ever break up. Actually Johan , you have made some very astute observations. At the end of 21 I was comming out the other end of a nasty divorce and with 3 very young sons . There was no way in hell I was going to even consider dating in my own age range , that would have been the worst option , dating a bunch of guys that want to drink and party for atleast 6 more years before even thinking about settling down . So I dated up into the 30's . It made sense at the time at least. The age difference did not seem and still does not seem to me to have a whole lot of conflict itself , other than perhaps the activly cultivating things he loves into his life . I'd always thought of the obsessive interest in what he was doing was an artist thing , not an older guy thing . It just seems to get worse and build more resentment over time. We have not talked , I will most likely approach the subject of couples counciling after things cool and try to talk things out with him . If theres an active cultivation of some changes for the better , thats great but if not , Im done.
Rooster_DAR Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 What exactly is the point of this statement? I never said it wouldn't happen to me or poor poor me. Sorry this wasn't directed to you, it was for Porn_Guy. Please ignore. Regards,
Author tinktronik Posted December 18, 2006 Author Posted December 18, 2006 Well, weve decided to go to see a therapist . We start tomorrow . We sat down and talked about some of our issues late saturday and I think a big component of our argument is bordom , believe it or not , that and the taking advantage of each other bit . So we are trying ....... Ill keep posted.
Art_Critic Posted December 18, 2006 Posted December 18, 2006 Well, weve decided to go to see a therapist . We start tomorrow . We sat down and talked about some of our issues late saturday and This is a good thing !!! --- Things are going to looking up for you guys...
Author tinktronik Posted December 18, 2006 Author Posted December 18, 2006 This is a good thing !!! --- Things are going to looking up for you guys...Thanks for the encouragement AC.
blind_otter Posted December 18, 2006 Posted December 18, 2006 I'm glad that you are seeking couples counseling. Just be really picky about which therapist that you choose. The one I had at the end of my marriage so totally took sides and made our arguments even worse. Sometimes having someone else meddle in your business is a bad thing. If you don't do your homework on therapists and make sure your philosophies jive, this could be a good or a bad thing. Therapy is not a panacea, and not all therapists were created equal. I actually had damage done to me in the past from shyttie therapists. Just be careful. I wish you luck.
PandorasBox Posted December 18, 2006 Posted December 18, 2006 Well, weve decided to go to see a therapist . We start tomorrow . We sat down and talked about some of our issues late saturday and I think a big component of our argument is bordom , believe it or not , that and the taking advantage of each other bit . So we are trying ....... Ill keep posted. Its good you all have chosen to seek some help with this. So many people these days are just ready to give up or throw in the towel before trying everything they feel they can to try to help possibly save a situation. You never know till you try, and even if it doesn't work out, at least you will know you tried about all you could. Hope things go well for you all.
dgiirl Posted December 18, 2006 Posted December 18, 2006 It's a great sign that he's willing to go to counselling. It means he's atleast worried and commited to this relationship to try. Yes, therapists are not the be all and end all. After all, they're just like everyone else, and _you_ hire them to help you. So at the end of the day, you are still boss and decide what works and what doesnt work for you. Dont ignore your own judgement in place of their's. But atleast going and talking to an unbiased third party who's seen many relationship problems on a daily basis is probably better equipped than anyone else to give you guys suggestions on how to resolve the boredom and problems. But like bo said, shop around for one that works for you. Good luck!
hotgurl Posted December 18, 2006 Posted December 18, 2006 good luck tink, I don't think it is the age gap because my BF is 19 years older than me and we don't have that problem. Well a little bit. We can take each other for granted or get so caught up in the everyday that we forget about us. What has helped is for us to have a set date night. It used to be every Friday now it's more like one day a month. And also we do a family thing together one weekend day. And the other weekend day we do our own thing. And a lot of times after we put the kiddo to bed we have a glass of wine in front of the fire a chat. Basically we make time for us. if we didn't we would be just roomates. We have been dating for 6 years and live together . He is in his late 40's and I'm 28.
Author tinktronik Posted January 3, 2007 Author Posted January 3, 2007 Well , things are going . I have moved back into the bedroom . I think maybe thats a good sign. We have some simple suggestions from the therapist as to things to do to improve our lives together . I guess maybe I am having a down day , so Im kind of pesemistic about the whole thing . Ill get more into detail later I guess , I don't really have the energy right now .
blind_otter Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 Well at least you're back in the bedroom. That's a start. I hope things look up for you.
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