mav100 Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 My story is a little long, but I would appreciate any advice that can be given. Right now I'm at 1 week of no contact, and I hear she is full on again with her ex-boyfriend... I met Janay last year at work. She was bright, vibrant, funny, and extremely attractive. We flirted for a while, and the flirting abrubtly ended in February of this year when her mother passed away from cancer. Soon after she returned to work, the flirting started again, and we ended up spending time together outside of work and were dating at the end of March. After a couple of months, my lease was coming to an end in my apartment I had with my roommate. My roommate and I did not get along and I was looking for a place. At dinner one night, Janay said "I can't tell you what to do." I looked at her and said "What do you mean?" She asked me to move in with her. I did not agree right away, but after thinking about it, I moved in with her. Right around this time she decided to buy a boat. I told her it was a bad idea, but she chose to do it anyway. I went with her to get her the best deal, and then she refused to tell her father (who basically runs the family) about it. This has continued right up until recently when I let the cat out of the bag to him. Things went fine living together for a while, but then her attitude starting changing. She became very irritable, which was unusual for her. We went out of town to visit some friends, and she did nothing but cry the whole time there about her mom. It seemed things were starting to hit her. I started talking to her about going to councilling. She refused. We had a few big fights (which I attributed to her being so easily irritable after the loss of her mom), and I asked her to go to councilling again. She agreed. She went twice, and both times came back complaining that she didn't like feeling like she had to question everything in her life. They also recommended anti-depressants, which she refused. She refused to go back after the 2nd appointment. Her father decided in October to move to his other house in South Carolina. He asked us to move into his house up here from our apartment. We agreed, and we moved in at the beginning of October. Things were great there for a couple of days. We even started talking about marraige. I mentioned something about it, and her response was "If you asked me to marry you, I'd have to say yes". Suddenly things changed very quickly. One night, the Monday before election day, shortly after her father left for SC, there was a knock on the door. She answered the door, screamed "Go away!", and slammed the door shut. I asked who it was, she didn't answer. I asked again, she wouldn't answer. When she finally told me who it was 4 or 5 minutes later, it was her ex-boyfriend. I immediately went to the door but he was gone. She got really upset that he showed up and started acting like it was the end of the world. I told her it was no big deal, but she refused to calm down, and even told me she was worried I would think something was going on with them. I told her I didn't, but being so upset over it wasn't going to make me feel otherwise. That Wednesday night, I went to my usual dart league. Janay was supposed to come, but didn't. I called her, and she said she'd rather just stay home. I started to get suspicious. When I got home, I checked her cell phone. She had been calling a number in her address book as "X". She called it a couple of times before he showed up, and a couple of times after. I kept the information to myself. I checked the phone again on Thursday, and she had deleted her call log. I had never seen her do that before. I still kept the information to myself. Friday night (and Thursday night) she seemed very distant. I finally asked her what was wrong, and she asked me to move out. She said she needed time in her mothers house by herself, and wanted to take a step back in our relationship. We talked about it for a few hours, and decided we would give it a couple of weeks to see if she felt better. Sunday she went out with her aunt to a candle party, and then met her friends. When she came home, she again asked me to move out. We talked about it again, and thats when I dropped the information about the cell phone calls on her. She got upset that I checked her phone, denied it was her ex, and gave some BS story about who it was. When I countered her story with other facts about the location of the cell phone number (its from the city I am from and he seems to be the only other person she knows from around there), she admitted she called him, but only after he showed up at the door to yell at him. I questioned her about the calls from before that. She denied making them, and asked me to trust her. I told her I would, and the moving out issue went unresolved that night. Monday night we argued about me moving out again when I told her if she asked me to move out it was over. She dropped the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line. After we calmed down, I offered to stay at my mothers for a week starting the next night. She thanked me, and we had a wonderful night for the rest of the night. The following day, I stayed home from work and packed some things. She called me and asked me for my mothers phone number to call me that night (my mother lives about 45 minutes away) and I told her to just call my cell. Again alarm bells went off. I left the house around 4:00 to meet a friend for a beer down the road from the house, and when we left the bar, I saw her driving the other direction towards the house with her ex in her car. I turned the car around and followed her back to the house. I went in the house, and a fight ensued with her ex. My friend came it and got me out of the house. At this point I called her father and apologised for fighting in his house. He asked what happened, and told me he'd call me right back. When he called back, he asked what had been going on. I told him what I knew, and I told him that Janay just didn't seem like herself for a while and I had asked her to go to councilling and she refused after two sessions. He asked how she was acting strangely, and I told him, including the boat. He told me he'd call me the next day. The next day her father called me back, told me he had lost some respect for me for fighting in his house, but he understood my reasons. He said he called Janay, reiterated his disdain for her ex, and told her that he is not allowed in his house. He also then told me that he called the ex and left him a nasty message. Then he moved on to the boat and told me it was all my fault she bought it, and his daughter would never do that. I calmly explained what happenned, and he refused to believe me, told me I should have been "more of a man" and called him sooner about it, and hung up. Janay called a short while later, crying, saying her father asked her to move out and now refused to talk to her. I told her that everything that has happened has been due to her poor decisions. I went over there there the follow Saturday (a few days after all of this happened) to start moving my stuff out, and her and I talked. She said she hadn't talked to the ex in two days (I knew that was a lie, she was out with him the night before). I told her how I felt about her, that I was willing to forgive, and to start over again. I hugged her, and she didn't really return it, and I also kissed her and she barely kissed me back. She told me a "part of her" still loved me, but the rest of her was extremely mad at me since her father isn't speaking to her and her family is mad at her. But we seemed to be in agreement we would start over at square one. When I got home that night, I called her and said I wanted what we were talking about, but it had to be without the ex, and she had to stop all contact with him. She refused to come right out and tell me she would do that, instead she just told me "He won't be a problem" Sunday morning I returned to the house to get the rest of my stuff, and her attitude was again different. She ended up telling me she had talked to her sister, and her sister had told her she had to follow her heart. She then told me her heart says she should be with her ex. I went about my business, moving my stuff. Her father called while I was there. I didn't catch the conversation, but he was obviously talking to her again. When I finished moving my stuff, I talked to her for about half an hour. She said she missed her father, and I told her I loved her, I missed her, and I still wanted to work things out and forgive her. I then asked for a hug before I left, and she said she didn't want to get off the couch. I asked her if I could go over to her and give her one, and she agreed. She once again only partially returned my hug and kiss. I left. I didn't speak to her the following Monday at all. On Tuesday, after re-reading the stop your breakup book, I sent her an email and adressed all of her issues she brought up about our relationship. I told her I was wrong for asking her to go to councilling, and I was sorry I made her feel "psycho". I apologised profusely for everything she said I did, and told her I guess we didn't have what it took to make it. I then also told her that there must be something to the ex if she keeps going back to him, and he must be giving her something she needs, but he also does not provide for all that she needs. I also told her I have a date tomorrow night (half-truth), and I wished her well. I sent this email with a read reciept, and she did not open it that day. A day later at work, I saw she read the email when she got to work that morning. Around 10:30 my cell phone rang and it was her. I didn't answer, and she left no message. She then emailed me back stating she was glad I was doing well, she wished me the best, and I still have a few things left at the house. I called her back when I got the email. We exchanged greetings, and she told me she had to take yesterday off because she is so confused and went to her aunts for dinner and practically cried all night. Again I apologised for the way I made her feel during the relationship, told her I missed her, and she said she misses me too a little when I asked her if she did. She then said she couldn't talk about this any more because she was at work. I asked if she wanted to get together and talk after work, and she said no, but she would call me after work. She called, just as she said she would. We starting talking about normal stuff, and then we broke into the conversation about our relationship. I seemed to be doing most of the talking. Once again, I apologized and took all the blame. She asked my why I couldn't have done that sooner. I told her I didn't know. I told her I was willing to forgive and start over, if she was willing to do the same. She told me she was very mad at me because I involved her father. I told her that I was mad at her too for what she did, but I had to let it go in order to repair our relationship, and she had to as well. I told her we wouldn't be talking if that wasn't what we both wanted. She said she can't do that right now. I asked her about the ex, and she said she was confused about him as well. I knew he had a show last night (he's a musician), and asked if she was going. She said she planned on it, and she didn't want to lie to me. I said ok. We continued the conversation about our relationship, just reiterating everything we talked about. I asked her if she'd like to meet me for dinner before heading to the show, and she said no, shes not ready to do that. I said ok. We talked a little more, she told me she didn't think she felt like going to her ex's show anymore, and she needed to call her sister for advice. I told her ok, I had to call some friends I was to meet later anyway, and I asked her if she wanted me to call her today. She said no, she would be at her aunts and she didn't want them to know she was talking to me. I said ok, how about you call me, and she agreed. We both hung up. She did not call me for 2 days after - I ended up calling her. We talked when I called her for 3 hours. She told me that she has decided she wants to be with her ex, she has had so much fun with him the few times they have been out so far, and she wants nothing to do with me. She told me that she will never forgive me for calling her father and telling him what happened, because as of right now, her father won't talk to her. I told her if I was willing to forgive the cheating thing, she should be willing to forgive me for involving her father. She said she never will. She said her father won't talk to her until she sells her boat. She then told me if I hadn't involved him, things would be different now, and she'd be willing to work on things. I tried to tell her we were both at fault, and I apologized for calling him. I even offered to buy her boat from her or help her sell it to someone to try to make amends for involving her father so she could talk to him again. She said that would not help, and she doesn't love me anymore. I told her of my plans to propose on our trip to SC to visit her family at the end of December, and she had no response. I also asked her why we were on the phone for 3 hours if she doesn't care anymore. She finally ended up hanging up when she started telling me this was all my fault for the umteenth time and I finally told her she is to blame as well. I spoke to a family friend of hers this week that I work with, and she has been in contact with Janay. She told me that she *thinks* that Janay still cares, but she is so angry with me for involving her father that she can't get past that right now and it has pushed her right to her ex. She said I need to give her some space, let her date the ex, etc, and not call her for a while. She also told me that the ex will end up treating her like garbage again very soon in her opinion, as he always has. What am I doing right, and what am I doing wrong? Any advice or suggestions are greatly appreciated, as I really do want her back.
D-Lish Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 How old is this girl that her father still has such control over her life and decisions? I imagine the reaction she had to you talking to her father is somehow tied to her cheating. She did a bad thing by cheating, then you did something she could now deflect blame onto and alleviate her own guilt over the cheating. Remind us, why do you want to be with a girl who cheated on you anyway? That's bordering on the unforgivable if you ask me. You should be the one saying you're done with her...she's chosen to go back to her ex right? That's not cool...
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