kismat Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 so my LD bf and i broke up about a month and a half ago.. we really cared for each other, it was pretty serious, and i really loved him.. but we were really struggling with the long distance, and started getting into petty and stupid fights because of it. He did most of the travel and due to family stuff, was having a harder time that usual in the last part of our relationship to make it down to see me, and in the end we decided to go our own ways... anyway, this was my first real break up.. and for some reason i took everyone's advice of not calling him and telling him how i felt... in terms of missing him, and wishing it could have worked out.. i just acted tough about it... (even though it was a mutual break-up, i was always upset b/c i felt that he had given up on us - even though i guess i did too) so basically we had very minimal contact since... just a phone call or two... i called once, he called once... and thats been it. to the real problem: in the past i had issues with an ex-gf who he was still good friends with and maintained regular contact with (i've posted about it before).... he always assured me that there was nothing and that they dated like 7 years ago, and were just friends... i just found out that he went away to Chicago this weekend, and she met up with him there... i found out by chance, and really wish i hadn't!!!! now i feel like i'm experiencing the break up all over again.. in the beginnings, it was helpful for me to know that he missed me too, and that this just had to be done, but now i'm wondering if he really did miss me at all. If he did, how could he go away on vacation with this "friend" so soon after we broke up?!?!? has anyone ever been in a similar situation... i just found out last night, and couldn't sleep a wink, and i could really use some perspectives...
Ssheena Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 Hi Kismat, Bummer. How did you find out? If you were to write an email to your x, would you sign it "love"? If he wrote one to you, do you think he would sign it "love, mwah" to you? My guess is either he or her still are in love with the other person. Sometimes after a break up, people will try and reconnect with the previous partner to at least see what might be. I know and understand how you feel and why you couldn't sleep and why you feel like you are experiencing the break up all over again. I hate that feeling. I had a dream last night that I got to work today and there was an email from my x and even though I didn't open it or get to read the title in my dream, I experienced heartache/nervousness/sadness in my dream. I'm sorry you are feeling bad but if you two aren't together, he can do whatever he wants as can you. Please do your best NOT to find out what is going on in his life. I would be crushed if I knew my x was going out with someone else, it's better not to know. Believe me, I don't know how people can move on so fast after a break up especially when they claim that they love us so much. Maybe just a coping mechanism. LS is my coping mechanism. So sorry you are feeling bad.
Author kismat Posted December 3, 2006 Author Posted December 3, 2006 Hi Kismat, Bummer. How did you find out? If you were to write an email to your x, would you sign it "love"? If he wrote one to you, do you think he would sign it "love, mwah" to you? My guess is either he or her still are in love with the other person. Sometimes after a break up, people will try and reconnect with the previous partner to at least see what might be. I know and understand how you feel and why you couldn't sleep and why you feel like you are experiencing the break up all over again. I hate that feeling. I had a dream last night that I got to work today and there was an email from my x and even though I didn't open it or get to read the title in my dream, I experienced heartache/nervousness/sadness in my dream. I'm sorry you are feeling bad but if you two aren't together, he can do whatever he wants as can you. Please do your best NOT to find out what is going on in his life. I would be crushed if I knew my x was going out with someone else, it's better not to know. Believe me, I don't know how people can move on so fast after a break up especially when they claim that they love us so much. Maybe just a coping mechanism. LS is my coping mechanism. So sorry you are feeling bad. thanks so much for the reply!! thats exactly it, i don't understand how he could just go away with her SO SOON after the break up!!! He was the one who wanted this relationship, i was hesitant from the beginning, but he was so persistent.. he had liked me back in undergrad, and pursued me, but i wasn't interested, and then he came back last year and pursued me even harder... so then how can he claim to love me SO much, and claim that this is so hard for him.. but be vacationing with his ex so soon after? I think the hardest part of this for me is accepting that it is with her, and not just some random new girl.. this is the girl that he knew i was uncomfortable with... i guess i should have just trusted my gut. you're right about the "love you" "mwah".. i knew right away that that was not normal.. if there wasn't something with him and his ex, then they wouldn't have been communicating that way, but i let him convince me otherwise. Its hard for me to believe because i honestly thought that i got one of the "good guys" when we became involved... i really thought he was a keeper.. and even though i had my doubts... i never doubted his love for me... and maybe i should have! *sigh.. thanks for the perspective... i don't want to know whats going on in his life, and will do my best to avoid hearing anything!! i just wish i didn't have to go through this all over...
bluescreenlife Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 LDRs are really tough and my last one (first real relationship) fell apart too. He probably foresaw the end of your relationship, whether he initiated it or not, and worked towards having a backup. That could be codependency more than a real desire for his ex. I think when the one who initiates the breakup is able to move on really fast, it's because they've been preparing for a while. Not sure if that applies to you, but breakups are always more of a shock to the dumpee. It sounds like you're handling this really well - I'd keep up the NC and keep enjoying the other aspects of your life. Best of luck...
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