Wanting more with my ex

[IrishLad]

Here goes;

 

About 9 months ago, I broke up with my bf of two years. We had a pretty good relationship, I wouldn't say perfect, but it was good. We were affectionate with each other, the sex was good, we shared a lot of interests and clicked intellectually and emotionally. He broke up with me about a year into the relationship, saying that while he really cared for me, and enjoyed the time we spent together, he didn't know if it was love. He got back with me a few weeks after that.

 

The second time around it was a bit different; we started to talk a lot more with each other, spend more time together, and do things together that interested both of us.

 

After a year of being together, he broke it off again, saying that he wasn't sure if what we had together was love, and that he was really confused about where it was going. He said that he didn't feel it was fair to me if he wasn't 100% sure about it. (I don't know if it was an excuse to mask other things, but he seemed genuinely confused about it all). We both cried some, and we went our seperate ways.

 

Didn't really talk to each other much for a few months, but after a while we started to do things as friends; meeting up, going out together just as friends. This has continued 'till now. We're both with other people now (mine isn't exclusive, though I haven't taken advantage of that), and we have a pretty good friendship.

 

But I still think about him regularly, I miss being together and particularly the intellectual and emotional bond we shared. I think he does too, he occasionally tells me that he thinks about when we were together, and the connection we had. I've met his bf a few times, but whenever I hang out with him, he never wants to bring his bf along, or doesn't pass along the invitation.

 

I get the feeling its going to come to a head; I've invited him to a xmas party I'm having in a few weeks, and we will both probably be in that state of mind. I'm also seeing a movie with him on Tuesday, just us. I don't know if I'm just reading into things too much, but he always wants just us to hang out, rather than with our mutual buds.

 

What should I do? I don't want to make a move while he's in a committed relationship, at the same time I would really regret it if he did want something more and I didn't act on it. (btw, I'm gay, if you didn't catch that in the post, sorry for its lengthy nature)

[BannaBee57]

Well, as long as this other guy is in the picture I think it's going to be difficult for you.

 

Is he really serious with this guy or do they have an open relationship too?

 

I would say to keep up with what you are doing for a while. Perhaps he will realise that he really misses that emotional bond he had with you and open up to you more about what he's feeling. Maybe if he is giving you a lot of signs that he's into you again then you could ask him how he feels about giving you guys another try.

 

However, if it continues on just a friends basis and it's hurting you to be around him then I would suggest not seeing him anymore as it will only continue to upset you.

 

Good luck!

[IrishLad]

Thanks bee.

 

It doesn't hurt me to be around him per se; we have a great friendship and really enjoy hanging out. I don't think I'm still in love with him, its been so long, but I'm regularly thinking about how much I care for him and how I'd love to give it a second shot. I'm always comparing my current bf to what I had with him, and it just doesn't feel kosher. Somehow, I can't imagine having with anyone else what we shared.

 

Re: open relationship; I know that they've both been with other people. I don't know if that could be a reason that he broke with me, that we were monogamous and he wanted something more open. Does it mean they aren't serious?

 

Sometimes he says things like he can't talk to his bf about the things he talks to me about, I can't work out whether he just means as a friend or hinting at something more. I don't want to read too much into something, so I'm circumspect about showing all my cards.

 

Its kinda frustrating that I haven't met anyone like him since, no-one ever seems to measure up. I'm only 20, I know there's plenty of time, but it feels like the longer we're apart, the less likely it is that we'll have a second chance. If he's not inclined to have another go, will it push him away if I tell him how I feel?

 

IrishLad

[BannaBee57]

I would have to say that an open relationship indicates that they aren't that serious, but I also know that it is very common in gay relationships, so I'm not sure.

I have gay friends on both ends of the spectrum...some want only one man with the whole house, kids, dog, and minnie van thing. Others want to screw around with everyone they meet, but still want someone to call their "boyfriend". So, I guess only he knows how serious they are.

 

Yes, you are only 20 and there will probably be quite a few more men in your life. You will find someone who is perfect for you. It is very common to think that you "will never find anyone as good as him". This might be because you guys spend so much time together and you never got the chance to get him out of your system. Maybe you should take a breather from him for a few months and then see if you really think he's all that. You might be suprised to find that he isn't as great as you thought he was. I also suggest that if you don't have strong feeling for this other guy then you might want to just let him go. I think having him in your life at this point is only adding more pressure to you. If he's not right for you then you should try moving on and dating others. Who knows who you will find!

 

I don't think that the longer you're apart the less chance there is of a second chance. You never know when he could have enough of dating other guys and realise that he really did have the best connection with you. However, you shouldn't hold on to this thought. It's only keeping you from moving on. I do think that if he isn't interested in another chance when you ask him things will be ackward when he says no. Maybe, if he does say no this will be your sign to just let go and maybe stop the friendship so that you can get yourself back together. After all, you've got to look out for yourself first!

 

Good luck