jenniferlm Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 I've been dating someone for a couple of months now. At first he seemed really great. But now as I've gotten to know him I don't think so anymore. I think he has issues as far as an ex-girlfriend and also with his Mother, both of whom treated him badly. He's also complained of feeling a bit depressed lately (during our last phone conversation a couple days ago). So...I'm thinking that this isn't the time for him to be dating anyone, and frankly, I'm not attracted to someone who has issues and problems this soon into the relationship. My problem is this. How do I break up with him? I'm a huge fan of being honest with people, and he's said that he is too. Is it okay for me to be honest about my reasons for not wanting to see him anymore? Or will it seem catty and mean? I'm working out of town for two more weeks. I'd like to get this over with as soon as possible. So I don't have this feeling of deadweight over me anymore. Is it okay to break up with him over the phone or via email since we've only been seeing eachother a couple months?
alphamale Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 I'm working out of town for two more weeks. I'd like to get this over with as soon as possible. So I don't have this feeling of deadweight over me anymore. Is it okay to break up with him over the phone or via email since we've only been seeing eachother a couple months? Yea...just tell him that you think you two aren't compatible and that you'd like to date others or have to work a lot. Whatever, make something up. You don't need to go into detail or give explanations or whatnot. Just say that things aren't working out from your end. But be firm and be straight with him. And don't say anthing about his mom or his small penis or his medical issues.
Author jenniferlm Posted December 3, 2006 Author Posted December 3, 2006 Yeah, I was thinking about leaving out the mom part...but I do feel as though he needs to know that the ex gf issues are something he needs to work on before he dates again and wastes two months of someone else's life. And...since he's feeling depressed I guess I should let him know that I understand that now isn't a good time for him to be dating? I don't want to make something up. I wouldn't want anyone to do that to me. I would want to know the real reason why. But maybe that is just me?
alphamale Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 I don't want to make something up. I wouldn't want anyone to do that to me. I would want to know the real reason why. But maybe that is just me? well you can give real reason but you'll need to sugar coat it since he's not doing well right now.
HeadlessZebra Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 Here's what I said to the guy when I was in the same situation last year: "Listen, I like being with you a lot, but right now I don't think it's fair of me to distract you with a relationship when you have other problems that need attention. I wish I could help you, but the fact is I'm not a professional, so I'm not qualified to help you in the way that you need. You should be focusing on working your life problems out before getting sidetracked in a relationship with me or anyone else, and I'm doing you a disservice here. I really care about you and that's why I'm doing the right thing." Then I stood by it no matter what he said to try to dissuade me. "But I can work it out... but I need you to be here or else I'll just be more depressed... I promise I'll stop being this way... etc., etc." I simply said, "No, I've thought about this long and hard, and what I'm doing is for the best." Case closed, left no room for argument, didn't let him try to convince me, and walked away. I think this is a good approach because it's honest, and may help him in the long run by giving him the push he needs to get his mental health on track. And you don't end up being the bad guy, or leaving him more hurt and wondering where he went wrong.
someone2 Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 HeadlessZebra's routine looks very nice to me I will add that you will find yourself probably wanting to say "I am so sorry". DON'T DO IT. Don't be apologetic at all. Be completely assertive, and don't give any backdoors like "Who knows what will happen in the future, life is long", or any of that crap. Make it clear that it really IS over Best of luck to you
Rooster_DAR Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 Are you kidding? You need to put all your effort in rescuing and helping this guy. Drop your life and feelings and help him out of his rut, you are responsible for his well being.
BareGoddess Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 Not telling you what you should do or anything but if you're looking for someone with NO issues, good luck. Everyone has issues and I'd count yourself lucky to find out about them at the two month mark instead of much later on when you've really invested your time and emotions. Two months is nothing.
someone2 Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 Not telling you what you should do or anything but if you're looking for someone with NO issues, good luck. Everyone has issues and I'd count yourself lucky to find out about them at the two month mark instead of much later on when you've really invested your time and emotions. Two months is nothing. I agree that everyone has issues. But it boils down to whether you want to accept those specific issues in this specific person or not. Some people react differently to different issues. Some people truly can't stand shy people. Some people truly can't stand Players. Some people truly can't stand show-offs... So, it boils down to... Can you accept him for those flaws or not. If not, you shouldn't force yourself to. Simple as that.
BareGoddess Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 I agree that everyone has issues. But it boils down to whether you want to accept those specific issues in this specific person or not. Some people react differently to different issues. Some people truly can't stand shy people. Some people truly can't stand Players. Some people truly can't stand show-offs... So, it boils down to... Can you accept him for those flaws or not. If not, you shouldn't force yourself to. Simple as that. Of course. I agree with that. I just wonder if the OP is being realistic in her expectations of a person. I don't know because there's not enough info to tell but sure I agree with you. We all have to decide for ourselves what we can comfortably accept and what we can't or won't.
Rooster_DAR Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 Perhaps he brought his issues into the relationship soon, if you want to call two months a relationship. I think that it's a death knell to do something like this early on. Perhaps that's what's concerning her the most.
Pyro Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 I've been dating someone for a couple of months now. At first he seemed really great. But now as I've gotten to know him I don't think so anymore. I think he has issues as far as an ex-girlfriend and also with his Mother, both of whom treated him badly. He's also complained of feeling a bit depressed lately (during our last phone conversation a couple days ago). So...I'm thinking that this isn't the time for him to be dating anyone, and frankly, I'm not attracted to someone who has issues and problems this soon into the relationship. My problem is this. How do I break up with him? I'm a huge fan of being honest with people, and he's said that he is too. Is it okay for me to be honest about my reasons for not wanting to see him anymore? Or will it seem catty and mean? I'm working out of town for two more weeks. I'd like to get this over with as soon as possible. So I don't have this feeling of deadweight over me anymore. Is it okay to break up with him over the phone or via email since we've only been seeing eachother a couple months? Just tell him that you aren't feeling the chemistry anymore between you two and you should mention how his depression and problems have pushed you away. Wouldn't you want the truth be told to you if a guy were breaking up with you? You could do this in addition. Tell him that you think he is not ready for a relationship right now and that he should wait until his problems are taken care of before getting involved with someone else, kind of like some helpful tips for him for the future.
electric_sheep Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 And...since he's feeling depressed I guess I should let him know that I understand that now isn't a good time for him to be dating? That's not necessarily true. I think it depends on if you mean he suffers from "clinical depression" or you simply mean he seems to be temporaily depressed about certain issues. Some people who are clinically/medically depressed may suffer from depression on and off there entire lives. You can't possibly expect them to simply stay single over it. I can understand you not wanting to date someone with depression, sure, but someone out there might... particularly if he has other good qualities.
electric_sheep Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 Anyway, from what you've said you certainly do need to break up with him. Breaking up is hard to do, and feelings get hurt, but you clearly are not really feeling sparks here, and it's much more cruel to simply let something like that drag on without informing the other person where you stand.
SmoochieFace Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 Just tell him that you aren't feeling the chemistry anymore between you two and you should mention how his depression and problems have pushed you away. Wouldn't you want the truth be told to you if a guy were breaking up with you? You could do this in addition. Tell him that you think he is not ready for a relationship right now and that he should wait until his problems are taken care of before getting involved with someone else, kind of like some helpful tips for him for the future. For me, the truth always is better than lies. Lies are told by cowards.
Vertex Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 I think sugarcoating is stupid. It's just covering up truth with attempts to lessen the blow. I think it is rare that someone breaks up with another because of the dumpee's inability to have a relationship -- it's because the dumper doesn't want to deal with whatever problems exist. Otherwise, any serious attempt to fix such problems by the dumpee should be considered and not just disregarded.
Author jenniferlm Posted December 4, 2006 Author Posted December 4, 2006 well here is what I ended up sending him. I hope everyone thinks this is okay... You know I've been thinking just now of our past IM conversation. I like being with you a lot, but right now I don't think it's fair of me to distract you by dating you when you have so many things that need attention. I feel that it may be too soon after your recent relationship perhaps, and you mentioned that you were feeling a bit depressed lately. You should be focusing on your work, and on you feeling better before getting sidetracked in any kind of relationship with me or anyone else, and I'm doing you a disservice here. I value our friendship however, and that is why I feel that it would be best if we remained just that for now. :-))
Author jenniferlm Posted December 4, 2006 Author Posted December 4, 2006 and yeah, I guess I dont want to deal w/ the particular issues that he has. I realize that all of us have issues but I think that ex gf and depression issues are two things that I should stay away from right now. I have enough going on in my own life.
Author jenniferlm Posted December 5, 2006 Author Posted December 5, 2006 well crap. a guy friend of mine told me that my email was too vague, and wasn't direct enough. he also said I was giving this guy hope??? And I think he may be right because the dumpee just emailed saying he'd like to call me tomorrow? Ugh.
the ss man Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 you didnt stress being freinds even close to enough i dont think id get that as a "your *** is dumped, stop talking to me" either be more direct and straight up with him: look, the problems you have right now are just affecting you too much for a healthy relationship. this isnt going to work. then you can slap on some comments about how you would like to be a freind and help him out with his problems or that his problems are even too much for that to happen.
Mary3 Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 Yea...just tell him that you think you two aren't compatible and that you'd like to date others or have to work a lot. Whatever, make something up. You don't need to go into detail or give explanations or whatnot. Just say that things aren't working out from your end. But be firm and be straight with him. And don't say anthing about his mom or his small penis or his medical issues. LOL ! She should be able to say she can't hang with his 4 inch penis any longer...
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