forbidden fruit Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 Would the best way to end affair. I have tried NC that does not work. I am thinking a short to the point e-mail and then try to be as civil as possible. I do not want to get into a long debate with him. My mm has a way of pushing my buttons and then I am right back in. I know I cannot continue on by deceiving everyone I care about. I know it is eating him up also. Any solutions?
kymberann Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 Would the best way to end affair. I have tried NC that does not work. I am thinking a short to the point e-mail and then try to be as civil as possible. I do not want to get into a long debate with him. My mm has a way of pushing my buttons and then I am right back in. I know I cannot continue on by deceiving everyone I care about. I know it is eating him up also. Any solutions? I think you need to know what all of your buttons are so that you won't "get right back in". So don't get into the debate! NC is NC. Nothing is up for debate. You need your sanity! I know this is hard for you. You need to make NC work for you. we will be here! Best.
frannie Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 Would the best way to end affair. I have tried NC that does not work. I am thinking a short to the point e-mail and then try to be as civil as possible. I do not want to get into a long debate with him. My mm has a way of pushing my buttons and then I am right back in. I know I cannot continue on by deceiving everyone I care about. I know it is eating him up also. Any solutions? What do you mean NC 'didn't work'? Did he keep contacting you, or did you let him, or did you contact him? From what you wrote it sounds like you didn't do the right things at the beginning of NC. You need to tell him it's over, that you don't want to hear from him again, and that he is not to contact you under any circumstance. If he can't agree to that, then put him on block: NC is NC. Block his emails, and his calls, and don't pick up or respond in any way. If you don't know how to block emails and calls ask someone and they will explain it to you. If you need to use 'caller ID' for a while if starts calling from other numbers, then do that. If he won't respect your right to end it, then you warn him off and say you will involve the police if he doesn't back off. There is no way 'NC doesn't work'.
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 Tell him the next time he contacts you, his wife will get a call from you exposing the affair. That should take care of it.
Guest Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 The buttons that your MM are pushing are all touching your emotions -- by him doing this, you subconsciously feel -- maybe there is something there for him, why else would he pursue me?? Or maybe it's the "I don't want him angry at me" feeling when you end it. Who cares?? He can be angry.. your decision to end it is, is YOUR decision and he should respect that. I'm in agreement with Frannie, "If he won't respect your right to end it, then you warn him off and say you will involve the police if he doesn't back off." He may think you're a crazy female, but if this is what it's going to take and your serious about it, then stick to it. Any wavering in the plan and he's right back in. And he just keeps on playing with your emotions
Chapter2 Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 What worked for me is moving to another state with no forwarding address, changing my home number and my cell number, he has no access to email and doesn't even know my email address. That pretty much secured NC...and...it hurts like hell. Still the best decision I could have made though. You'll do it when you've had enough pain.
kymberann Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 You'll do it when you've had enough pain. That is a very valid point. I think that is also a sign of wanting to move on regardless of how painful the process will be to heal as well.
Spinderella Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 It doesnt matter so much how, it's the following through that is important.
puddleofmud Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 What worked for me is moving to another state with no forwarding address, changing my home number and my cell number, he has no access to email and doesn't even know my email address. That pretty much secured NC...and...it hurts like hell. Still the best decision I could have made though. You'll do it when you've had enough pain. Wow! Ch2, that took a lot of energy & guts! You go girl! I agree w/ everyone about NC--there is no way it doesn't work if ya stick to it...
Freedom Now Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 I tried instituting NC kindly and with dignity. He wouldn't honor my request(continued to email me and call me and even offer to see me again), so I had to be cruel and forthright. I had to literally spell it out that WE WERE OVER. He finally got the message. Haven't heard a peep since. Some of these MM are thick skulled and won't take no for an answer. YOU must force the NC cause he won't. Take it from me. Best of luck.
Guest Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 I agree. You can't institute N/C with an email that ends with "I will always love you" or with anything nice whatsoever in the body of the message. "Never contact me again" is all you can say and then don't respond and block all of his emails and phone calls so you'll never know if he tried to break the rules. You cant break-up while leaving that little window of hope "just in case he does get sick of his wife and become available...." It works when he hurts you or disappoints you enough to stand up for yourself. They have weak egos deep down, so blunt and to the point will be all you can do to make them stop trying. And, I have made it 3 weeks, and I have a sneaking suspicion he's found another OW to boost his ego- this silent period has made me see what he and "us" (blah!) really were. I am obviously still on these boards so he hasn't left my mind, but believe me, I tried many times, and didn't stick too it. Now I am, I have a cheering squad of friends that are behind me (like it's a stop smoking party or something!) and I am getting back to God. One day at a time but I truly believe I will NEVER talk to him again. You can do it!!! When it hurts badly enough you will find the strength to stick to it.
Meaplus3 Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 Tell him the next time he contacts you, his wife will get a call from you exposing the affair. That should take care of it. GREAT idea! I am sure that this would work!
Chapter2 Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 Please don't credit me with guts... it feels really undeserved. Energy...maybe...lol. When are you getting your private message access POM? Written in one paragraph it looks like I just severed everything immediately and it was actually a three month period from the time I moved away to the time I changed my cell number; etc. My cell was the final door to close. Long boring story to most but agonizing for me. It has been a battle against what my heart wants and what my brain knows is the right thing to do every long step of the way. There are some days I still think I won't make it...but then....I do;) The alternate pain is far worse than the present pain and I have the hope for something better someday. Right Freedom Now? Wow! Ch2, that took a lot of energy & guts! You go girl! I agree w/ everyone about NC--there is no way it doesn't work if ya stick to it...
NearlyThere Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 It has been a battle against what my heart wants and what my brain knows is the right thing to do every long step of the way. There are some days I still think I won't make it...but then....I do;) This is exactly it, my heart is telling me, oh just carry on, everything will be ok, my brain is telling me, use your intelligence and get out now before you crack up. I'm sure those of you who have been here know what I mean right now.
Freedom Now Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 Please don't credit me with guts... it feels really undeserved. Energy...maybe...lol. When are you getting your private message access POM? Written in one paragraph it looks like I just severed everything immediately and it was actually a three month period from the time I moved away to the time I changed my cell number; etc. My cell was the final door to close. Long boring story to most but agonizing for me. It has been a battle against what my heart wants and what my brain knows is the right thing to do every long step of the way. There are some days I still think I won't make it...but then....I do;) The alternate pain is far worse than the present pain and I have the hope for something better someday. Right Freedom Now? You got it baby! I am with you every step of the way.
puddleofmud Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 I agree with both of you that as much as we wish it would; intellectual knowlege may not immediately equal emotional reaction. This is one reason why we should do our best to be patient with others who are struggling. It takes a very long time to integrate one with the other. But please accept my admiration, just the same. I do agree that realising that one's energy is finite may be a great blessing. One becomes tired of oneself being !mardy!
NearlyThere Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 I agree with both of you that as much as we wish it would; intellectual knowlege may not immediately equal emotional reaction. This is one reason why we should do our best to be patient with others who are struggling. It takes a very long time to integrate one with the other. But please accept my admiration, just the same. I do agree that realising that one's energy is finite may be a great blessing. One becomes tired of oneself being !mardy! Eh Up POM Mardy!!!! lol, lol, lol, that made me smile thru my tears. You got it right on there. I'm chuffed that you remembered it. Tarra
puddleofmud Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 Am having a tearful eve, myself but am really sad that you are not feeling your best--so go ahead and feel as mardy as you please, darling! And when you have a moment do let me know what "chuff" means? As for my elemental environment: it's "colder than a witchs' titty"! I have only lived in very warm places next to the ocean, surfed for may years, and I did say I would share some surf slang! Let me cheer you w/ some funny words! "Pounded" : comes from the wave falling into the ocean, driving you under and pushing you down to the ocean floor" with a thud. Pounding is dangerous and only one's teeth are lost if they are lucky. Good surfers have great dentists! We say, "man, I am feeling so pounded" when we feel that we are in a tenuous situation. "Tubed" : Nervana! Any one can catch a great wave but when one rides and is embraced by a great wave one is "tubed'. The wave closes and one is inside. The pressure of the wave is so strong that one's ear drums may collapse. That pressure pushes you OUT of the tube when the wave begins to collapse. The force is amazing. We say that we are "so tubed" when we encounter amazing things. It is like flying. It is heavenly. "Glass": waves with no foam are the most beautiful but the most deceptive because they move so fast that they aren't breaking any time soon, thus the force and power feeds. They reflect the sun and seem gentle but they are the most dangerous. The largest wave is usually the most glassy and appears so gentle. We love glass and often say "that looks glassy" which is sarcastic as in all that glitters is not gold! "Ride" : reference to each unique wave and the kind of ride we get from it. Long, short, playful, dangerous, mundane, unexpected. This is nature and we accept the ride. We say "that ride was this or that" depending on each wave. Or a ride in life could be so many things. Ride and get some tube, girl! Beware glass and don't get pounded unless its the good kind! Hugs!
pureinheart Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 What do you mean NC 'didn't work'? Did he keep contacting you, or did you let him, or did you contact him? From what you wrote it sounds like you didn't do the right things at the beginning of NC. You need to tell him it's over, that you don't want to hear from him again, and that he is not to contact you under any circumstance. If he can't agree to that, then put him on block: NC is NC. Block his emails, and his calls, and don't pick up or respond in any way. If you don't know how to block emails and calls ask someone and they will explain it to you. If you need to use 'caller ID' for a while if starts calling from other numbers, then do that. If he won't respect your right to end it, then you warn him off and say you will involve the police if he doesn't back off. There is no way 'NC doesn't work'. Totally agree Frannie....many times when wanting MM out of my life I attempted "NC" ....failed miserably. Why? I let him slim his way back in....now ForbiddenFruit has a different situation if I remember correctly....MM lives close by and the kids play together....this is a much harder situation. Even with that, NC, when one is totally serious about it, does work. MM still blows up my phone, and I want so bad to write him to tell him to stop, maybe even threaten if need be, but that will break the NC so haven't done it.
NearlyThere Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 Am having a tearful eve, myself but am really sad that you are not feeling your best--so go ahead and feel as mardy as you please, darling! And when you have a moment do let me know what "chuff" means? As for my elemental environment: it's "colder than a witchs' titty"! I have only lived in very warm places next to the ocean, surfed for may years, and I did say I would share some surf slang! Let me cheer you w/ some funny words! "Pounded" : comes from the wave falling into the ocean, driving you under and pushing you down to the ocean floor" with a thud. Pounding is dangerous and only one's teeth are lost if they are lucky. Good surfers have great dentists! We say, "man, I am feeling so pounded" when we feel that we are in a tenuous situation. "Tubed" : Nervana! Any one can catch a great wave but when one rides and is embraced by a great wave one is "tubed'. The wave closes and one is inside. The pressure of the wave is so strong that one's ear drums may collapse. That pressure pushes you OUT of the tube when the wave begins to collapse. The force is amazing. We say that we are "so tubed" when we encounter amazing things. It is like flying. It is heavenly. "Glass": waves with no foam are the most beautiful but the most deceptive because they move so fast that they aren't breaking any time soon, thus the force and power feeds. They reflect the sun and seem gentle but they are the most dangerous. The largest wave is usually the most glassy and appears so gentle. We love glass and often say "that looks glassy" which is sarcastic as in all that glitters is not gold! "Ride" : reference to each unique wave and the kind of ride we get from it. Long, short, playful, dangerous, mundane, unexpected. This is nature and we accept the ride. We say "that ride was this or that" depending on each wave. Or a ride in life could be so many things. Ride and get some tube, girl! Beware glass and don't get pounded unless its the good kind! Hugs! Thanks for your thoughts and hugs, means alot tonight. Having a really hard time, I hate being Mardy and stroppy, having a "monk on", all meaning the same thing really, lol. I have got to be strong though, because I know it would not take much for me to be under the spell again. Chuffed, in the context I used it means, pleased, also can be used as a ref to happy, excited. Thanks for the surf speak, so descriptive, I could almost imagine what it feels like, also like you have your own language. I used live in a completely different area of the UK, East Anglia in a little town, right on the coast, used to go to sleep listening to the sea, loved walking on the beach. I really miss it, especially when I feel down, love walking along the sea front, spray in your face, hair whipping in your face, the waves crashing, smell of the sea salt, walking around a big city is not quite the same. lol. People used to come to this town to surf quite a bit, used to love watching them. Hugs to you as well as your feeling a bit down as well. Lets all say it together and to each other for support. "We will get through this".
puddleofmud Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 I must get ready for bed now but I give my word that I will get out on the shore in the morning and know you are on the other side. I will send you a sweet little wave that winks just for you. Nighty, precious!
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