notmakingsense Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 Well, I ended it last week. After 3 years of up and down, on and off, the simple offense of her not returning calls one day was all it took for me to flip my internal switch this time. As I was looking down at a $5,000 ring I bought her for Xmas.... and she couldn't even return my phone calls.... I have a long story that will come out over time, but I thought I would start a thread for all of you out there that did the breaking.... now that you did it, do you feel it was the right thing and are sure of yourself? If so, why? If not, why? As for me, I know I made the right choice because I don't feel pain over the loss (believe me, when we've broken before -- I hurt beyond words). Now its different. I don't miss her, I miss the thought of her being in love with me -- which was never really the case. I feel confident and at peace with my decision now, and even a teeny bit excited that I'll find someone better for me. Ok, now your turn.
Freedom Now Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 The thought of breaking up for me was harder than the actual break. My guy was a living nightmare. And, although I think about him from time to time, I am glad I gave him the boot. He wasn't worthy of me. And, I, too, am hopeful for a future with a wonderful man. I know it will happen.
daphne Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 You're feeling ok now, but at some point you will feel pain. Granted, it may be fairly muted because you seem to see the reality of the situation. If you've been with her long enough, you know whether her feelings are solid for you. And if you don't, that's as good a time as any to move on. I hope you can do something about the ring. That's tough. In the past when I've broken up with guys that didn't seem terribly invested in the relationship, it hurt but my pride took over. Someone that pursued me then acted like he could do with or without me wasn't exactly a prize. Especially when I knew I could do better. Ultimately, they tended to hold their heads up for a month or two then wimper about how much they loved me and why was I so heartless. They were rewriting history. Had they been crazy about me to begin with, obviously I wouldn't have felt the need to break up with them. 2 guys that I'm thinking about cried on their friends shoulders then left the state. Expect for her ego to hurt her at some point when she realizes she can't take you for granted anymore. Don't take that for more than her ego hurting. Good luck and I hope you find someone better for you.
Freedom Now Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 Pain is inevitable, but sometimes, the pain is worse IN the relationship than OUT of it. That was my case. Yep. I couldn't have made a better decision. The pain is gone....finally.
Author notmakingsense Posted December 3, 2006 Author Posted December 3, 2006 Thanks for your posts Freedom and Daphne! Freedom, I share your hope! And Daphne, you have great insight.... The biggest issue between us over those three years was her inability to commit to the relationship fully. We broke 9 months ago (no big event, it just slipped away), then just a few months ago -- she made a big play for me when she found out I was starting to date steadily again. I thought that this time, she would change - she made all the right moves. Then, in the last few weeks, she slipped into old habits -- keeping me at arm's length -- not inviting me to her social events and not returning calls when kids or friends were over. I just snapped then. I tried to call, but again no answer -- so I ended it all with a very short e-mail. She responded in anger, but no accusations, so I know she knew I was within my right. Anyway, I'm very sensitive to the fact I may begin re-writing history in my head, so I have taken the time to write a journal that recounts the reasons why she isn't good for me. Whenever I get those feelings of pain and loss, or even wanting -- I read that list over and remind myself why I got out of it.
Freedom Now Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 As Oprah said, (and I don't watch Oprah, BTW) "Doubt means DON'T every time." If you have any doubts about being with this woman (and I think you do)....don't. Everyone deserves that great love and if we aren't getting it, that person isn't the right one for us. Good for you for realizing it. Hang in there. Our first instincts are usually the correct ones.
Author notmakingsense Posted December 3, 2006 Author Posted December 3, 2006 Well seed Freedom! (and Oprah). I think a big mistake I've made over the years is to not trust my instincts and play to my insecurities.... "She's a beautiful, successful, and smart woman -- it must be *you* that's messed up" -- Its all crap -- I'm a great guy who deserves someone great also. It isn't worth settling, no matter how afraid of lonliness I might be feeling from time to time...
Freedom Now Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 You are on the same page as me. The best is yet to come. I, too, am great. Even my schmuck ex told me that he will never love another and that I am "the whole package." Stupid man. Should've thought about that before he gave me no choice but to leave. Oh well. His loss and my gain. Don't ever settle. It is beneath you.
Author notmakingsense Posted December 3, 2006 Author Posted December 3, 2006 That's interesting... I feel the same way about what she did to me, i.e. gave me no choice but to leave.... It adds an interesting twist because we are the one's who end up doing the dumping, but for me at least -- I actually feel like the one who was dumped. This makes it easier to bear the loss, because we were the ones who were wronged even if we might have committed the final act of terminating the relationship. I especially need to keep reminding myself of that fact whenever I think that she was hurt and I should reach out. She new exactly what was going on and why I did it, so if anyone should be trying to crawl back, it should be her -- not me.
Freedom Now Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 Remember: We left with the power. Even though they gave us no choice, we took our power back. I would venture a guess as to that being the reason why we are feeling okay. We left them wanting us. Although we felt dumped in the relationship, we had the self respect to square up our shoulders and tell ourselves that this was beneath us. And (not that it matters), they will respect us for our inherent dignity and self respect. We showed strength and healthy self love to remove ourselves from these substandard relationships. I feel empowered, as should you. Keep your power. She will realize what she has lost. But, too bad, so sad. I would think that if you truly love someone, you won't do anything that would make the other person feel as though he had no other choice than to leave. One would think that she would do everything in her power to ensure that you WON'T leave. But, she didn't do that. Neither did my guy. Not the ones for you or me, IMHO. And, she will reach out to you. You have elevated yourself by standing up for yourself. That is catnip for some people. Strength is a powerful aphrodisiac. Prepare.
daphne Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 Not, I also did the dumping last time, but felt I had no choice. He was trying to string me along while he figured out what his plans were for the future. I didn't sign up for that in the first place, and I surely wasn't going to accept it later on after I realized he was a liar. It hurts. But you'll get over it. I promise. And you'll be damn happy that you got your dignity back and said no mas. There is no future in a relationship with someone who doesn't care for you the same way. They're just passing time until they can find someone they believe will be better for them. What the jackasses don't realize is that the grass is rarely greener. Find a girl who reciprocates. She would love to get that ring. Ok, she'd love to get a different ring but you know what I mean.
Author notmakingsense Posted December 4, 2006 Author Posted December 4, 2006 Awesome post Daphne -- that really helps. She is a jackass, and doesn't get it -- she had so much going for her in a relationship with me. She may never be sure. She had a 17 year marriage before me that ended in her discovery of his cheating and deceipt. Even though it had been a couple of years before meeting me, she still struggles with that. I don't match his material success and extroversion, but I far exceed his integrity and capability to love.... she's torn. But... I do have my power and dignity now. Sometimes it really hurts, but I have calouses from the ups and downs over the last three years. I'll make it intact, and having the folks here, like you, on LS to help me through it is a major part of the reason why....
daphne Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 If she doesn't get it now, she probably won't any time soon, if ever. I used to think material success was important to a relationship until I dated successful men. I could care less now about the money, I want integrity. In fact, I won't marry again unless I get it. Sadly, I have found very few men that have it. And the 2 that may have it I'm not attracted to. There are loads of women who want a guy who has integrity. You just have to feel them out and see if they're drama queens. Run for the hills if they look wishy washy. You've wasted enough time on that.
Author notmakingsense Posted December 5, 2006 Author Posted December 5, 2006 Well put! I have had enough of wishy-washy drama queens... But I beg to differ on one of your points, there is at least 3 of us out there with integrity!
Sadcakesleo Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 Wow man I have to commend you on what you have achieved. I am going through a break up(I was dumped) and I can't let go eventhough she is no good for me and she has really hurt me the past few months.
Author notmakingsense Posted December 5, 2006 Author Posted December 5, 2006 Thanks Sadcakesleo... it wasn't always this straight forward. Over the last 3 years, I figure we've broken it off at least 3 different times, and up until now, it was always very painful for me. It took me this long to admit to myself that she wasn't good for me and that I deserved better. You'll get there, just stick with it.
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