Stupid grin on his face

[Trialbyfire]

So mom should stay married while he bangs the secretary?

Best comment yet...

[alphamale]

So mom should stay married while he bangs the secretary?

I meant he started dating his secretary AFTER the divorce and she's now his girlfirend so dad is too busy haveing sexual escapades with a 25 yr old busty blonde to have time for his kids.

[stillhere]

My two cents........................

 

I left my H because i was unhappy, all we did was fight. My daughter would put her hands over our mouths and tell us to please be quiet. I would see the pain in her eyes every time.

 

I dreaded coming home from work (he didn't work) and it got worse daily. Finally i told him enough was enough and asked him to leave.

 

Our daughter spends every other week with me, and the other weeks with her father. We get along better now than we did before. She is much happier, and although she tries to play the game (occasionally) where she says "dad said i can do this, or mom said i can do that" we talk to each other and actually communicate.

 

I did what was best for her, and she is actually doing better, IMO.

[Pyro]

My two cents........................

 

I left my H because i was unhappy, all we did was fight. My daughter would put her hands over our mouths and tell us to please be quiet. I would see the pain in her eyes every time.

 

I dreaded coming home from work (he didn't work) and it got worse daily. Finally i told him enough was enough and asked him to leave.

 

Our daughter spends every other week with me, and the other weeks with her father. We get along better now than we did before. She is much happier, and although she tries to play the game (occasionally) where she says "dad said i can do this, or mom said i can do that" we talk to each other and actually communicate.

 

I did what was best for her, and she is actually doing better, IMO.

 

Thats exactly how my GF's parents are. They fought all the time while being together and drove each other nuts. Now after divorce, they actually get along and do act civil toward one another.

[Guest]

Staying because of kids is wrong. Divorcing "well" because of the kids is right.

The focus both my ex and I have in our lives is our kids. He spends lots of time with them and lives close by. We go to the school 'things' together and we talk all the time.

 

If I have done anything wrong, it is trying to attribute every problem that arises as being related to the divorce rather than the normal growing up, testing boundaries issues.

 

Neither my ex nor I have introduced another person into their lives yet, but they do ask if I am dating. (I am, but until I know it is something special, it remains none of their business).

 

The best we can do is to be there for our kids. Help them on to the right path and help them stay on it! Give them all our love and always remember that no matter what problems my ex and I might have, we did love each other enough at one point to bring these kids into this world. They are our responsibility but if we aren't happy, how can we possibly do right for them?

 

bonehead - way to go! Improved marks say it all!!

[pureinheart]

This is what has come down today. My husband and I sat down at breakfast and I asked him flat out if he had something to tell me concerning where our marriage goes.

 

He hesitated and finally said he had met a woman in her early 30's and that he could not get her out of his mind. He admitted he is not happy with our marriage and that he would like out. I knew it was coming.

 

He said she brings him "up" in a mental way only. He denies they have been physical.

 

I am ready to grab that laptop and destroy it but at the same time, does anyone have the tech knowledge that his mail to her online can be still in his computer and if so, I could find out the real truth on him and her.

 

I have taken your remarks on here to heart. Thanx.

 

Wow guest, not too much in this world hurts worse than that.....what do you want....in the first post you said the marriage was for looks? If I am not being too personal, is it lack of communication or is there abuse on one or both parts?

[Ladyjane14]

This is what has come down today. My husband and I sat down at breakfast and I asked him flat out if he had something to tell me concerning where our marriage goes.

 

He hesitated and finally said he had met a woman in her early 30's and that he could not get her out of his mind. He admitted he is not happy with our marriage and that he would like out. I knew it was coming.

 

He said she brings him "up" in a mental way only. He denies they have been physical.

 

I am ready to grab that laptop and destroy it but at the same time, does anyone have the tech knowledge that his mail to her online can be still in his computer and if so, I could find out the real truth on him and her.

 

I have taken your remarks on here to heart. Thanx.

 

Guest,

 

I would say your best bet would probably be to engage an attorney at this point. S/He should be able to refer you to a reputable private investigator. Unfortunately, you're unlikely to get the whole truth out of your husband.

 

Meeting with an attorney does NOT mean that you will necessarily decide to file for divorce at this time, but you CAN start taking steps that will help you to prevent the loss of your assets. Sometimes, a guy/gal who's already bent on divorce will start moving the money around. You need to have a full accounting of your assets in case that starts happening.

 

There are ways that you can do quite a bit of investigating on your own. If you're uncomfortable doing that... I think a PI would be best. If you're okay with it, you'll start by contacting your cell phone company either by phone or by email and requesting a full 'detail report' on your cell phone numbers.

 

Also.... contact your bank and credit card companies and again... request detailed reports. Affairs aren't cheap (at least in fiscal terms), so the married person will most often use CASH. That said, the cash would be unaccounted for in your bank records. And... there's always the possiblility too that a cheater will get sloppy. One charge to a gas station out of town, on a day when s/he shouldn't have been out of town... tells you something.

 

If you find these records impossible to get your hands on, you may need your attorney's help in order to subpoena them, in which case you'll most likely be required to 'file'. We've had quite a few discussions here at LS lately about the ethics behind accepting money and gifts from a married person. These are most often taken from joint marital assets and are largely recoverable at settlement. I should think that it's possible, depending on where you live, you might even bring a civil suit against the OW in order to recover your damages.

 

The email and computer records are STILL in his PC... even if he deletes them until the memory is overwritten. An expert can usually find them. The PI can probably hook you up with the right people.

 

If that isn't an option for you, passwords and whatnot are usually jotted down where the cheater can get to them. Search for them. Also, the cheater will usually remember to clear his/her history... but they often forget to clear the cookies. You can at least find out what sites and programs he's accessing.

 

My advice to you is to BE SMART. Keep your investigation COVERT. If your husband is cheating (and it sounds like he is)... it's not like he's being honest and forthcoming with you. So don't feel bad about returning the favor.

 

Tipping him off to the fact that you're suspicious will drive the affair further underground and make it more difficult to catch him.

And "catching him" is important. A cheater will lie 'til you rub the truth on his nose due to the addictive quality of the affair. He's going to protect his affair first and foremost so he can keep getting his 'fix'.

 

You can't fight what you can't SEE. And it's unlikely that your husband is going to tell you the truth... so get in the game and protect yourself and your family.

 

Meantime.... read these two books. Do it ASAP. Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley and Divorce Busting by Michelle Weiner Davis. Both these authors have websites which you should definately peruse. You'll find them by utilizing your browser.

 

What you'll learn from the books are ways to fight the affair. By using these methods... you can sometimes put an OW or OM completely out of business.

 

Again.... I think a COVERT study might be best. It wouldn't do for your husband to have access to your tools.

 

While you're doing all this, give some thought to the question of whether you even WANT to attempt reconcilliation at all. It's difficult work, and it's emotionally painful. Depending on your relationship.... you might be happier to just dump his ass out of hand.

[Ladyjane14]

You might want to post again in the Infidelity or Separation/Divorce sections. You might get some additional input there.

 

If you've read extensively in THIS section, you'll know that there is often some planning going on behind the betrayed spouse's back.

 

It's time for YOU to get a "plan" as well.

[Chapter2]

Alphamale, have you ever read about what a child does when faced with leaving a physically or sexually abusive home? They fight to stay with the abuser. OF COURSE, kids will "say" they'd rather have both parents around no matter what! Thay have no idea that the future with their parents apart could possibly be better. Just like people in a lousy marriage...most stay for way too long only because they're afraid of the unknown.

 

but if you ask the kids they'll usually say they'd rather have both parent around no matter what. parents use that excuse because they feel guilty about the divorce and want to justify it for their own peace of mind.

[bonehead]

Even abuse is stable.

 

C2. Check your PMs

[herenow]

All this talk about staying for the kids. If you believe the statistics ( and I'm not sure I do) about divorce, then you have to believe that people leave unhappy marriages all the time. I still think the "staying for the kids" is an excuse that some people use to get what they want. Now, I know that there are always exceptions to everything, but if you look at the facts, divorce is a road that is taken quite often kids or no kids.

[Chapter2]

I agree, people do leave unhappy marriages and people do stay in unhappy marriages. This subject matter is far too fluid to come down to any "right" answer. No circumstance is the same just as no too snowflakes are the same. We won't know what the truth of each relationship is until we're on the other side of it and then we still believe what we need to in order to cope. Human nature.

 

All this talk about staying for the kids. If you believe the statistics ( and I'm not sure I do) about divorce, then you have to believe that people leave unhappy marriages all the time. I still think the "staying for the kids" is an excuse that some people use to get what they want. Now, I know that there are always exceptions to everything, but if you look at the facts, divorce is a road that is taken quite often kids or no kids.

[herenow]

I agree, people do leave unhappy marriages and people do stay in unhappy marriages. This subject matter is far too fluid to come down to any "right" answer. No circumstance is the same just as no too snowflakes are the same. We won't know what the truth of each relationship is until we're on the other side of it and then we still believe what we need to in order to cope. Human nature.

 

Yes, yes, yes, we believe what we need to in order to cope. That is indeed human nature.

[typical]

Dearest Guest:

 

What difference would this make:

does anyone have the tech knowledge that his mail to her online can be still in his computer and if so, I could find out the real truth on him and her.

 

 

When he has already told you this:

He hesitated and finally said he had met a woman in her early 30's and that he could not get her out of his mind. He admitted he is not happy with our marriage and that he would like out. I knew it was coming.

 

Knowing the rest is adding insult to injury, wouldnt you say? He already admitted to meeting a woman that he is infatuated with and he wants out of the marriage.

 

I use the word "infatuated" because I think that thats all it is. Your best revenge at this point is granting him that divorce swiftly, and with regal grace. Later on, after the dust settles down and his "infatuation" wears off, and the reality of life sets in, he will come groveling back to you. But it will be too late.

 

Think about it. Regardless if you dont want to because of the children or any other excuse, do you really want to live with someone who doesnt want to be with you??? Would you actually feel content at nite knowing that you are pressuring and/or forcing someone to stay with you?

 

Laying in your bed at nite, nite after nite next to him knowing that the only reason he is staying is because of the "we have children" excuse???

 

That is like dying a slow death each and every day. I wouldnt put yourself and him through that. Best to sever ties quickly and disspassionately for ALL involved.

 

Should you stay, you are bound to suffer the worst kinds of humiliation, which undoubtedly will cause you to react in certain ways which of course the children will pick up on.

 

You already know damn well, that if he is forced to stay, he wont stop seeing her. He already told you how he felt. If you stay in a relationship with him, he will see no other reason to stop seeing her. His excuse will be "but I already told you how I felt, and I thought you would accept it because you chose to stay with me"

 

Edit to add:

 

also, do you really think, if you were to stay with him throughout all of this, that your mind will be focused on the children? Hell no, consider endless nites of screaming matches and hurtling dishes and echos of "where were you, with that slut again"? hurtling through the air.