bonehead Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 My own dad died when I was very young, and my mother never remarried. I have know one of my best friends since second grade. His parents did the " for the kids " and all three of the kids greatly resent them for it. Brian was always coming over to my place when we were in school. He couldnt stand to be around his parents. He was the youngest. Within a week of him graduating high school his mom filed for divorce. Went on to marry a wonderful man. For a long time Brian felt guilty that his mom let so many years pass by " just for the kids "
alphamale Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 Within a week of him graduating high school his mom filed for divorce. Went on to marry a wonderful man. For a long time Brian felt guilty that his mom let so many years pass by " just for the kids " maybe BONEHEAD....but for ever story like yours there is a story where they get divorced and things get even worse for everyone invloved. Divorce is not a panacea. It does not fix everything. Many times it impacts everyone negatively in a number of ways. How would you know that you're not going from the frying pan and into the fire??
bonehead Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 Are doing. I see what damage was done by the way my marriage was for so long. I also see the positives that have occured since my divorce
alphamale Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 Are doing. I see what damage was done by the way my marriage was for so long. I also see the positives that have occured since my divorce but you are not objective. parents gloss over what is really happening to thier kids and tend to accentuate the positive and sweep the negatives under the rug. You are way too emotionally involved with your kids to give objective viewpoints in this area.
bonehead Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 but you are not objective. parents gloss over what is really happening to thier kids and tend to accentuate the positive and sweep the negatives under the rug. You are way too emotionally involved with your kids to give objective viewpoints in this area. I have report cards to back it up. I have attendence records to back it up. Objective, maybe not, but I have hard on paper fact. I have also had my kids THROW it in my face the effects of my marriage lasting as long as it did. Having issues with my oldest letting his current GF treat him like a dog. Limiting who he can and can not talk to. If he talks to someone she has said no to she makes his life hell. His reply to me " you let mom do it to you for HOW MANY YEARS???? " This is a 16 year old
alphamale Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 I have report cards to back it up. I have attendence records to back it up. that means diddley... I have also had my kids THROW it in my face the effects of my marriage lasting as long as it did. yeah and in 20 yrs when all your kids are getting divorced and your grand kids are all messed up they'll have you to blame for setting the bad example. if you got married and had kids then STAY married. Having issues with my oldest letting his current GF treat him like a dog. Limiting who he can and can not talk to. If he talks to someone she has said no to she makes his life hell. His reply to me " you let mom do it to you for HOW MANY YEARS???? " kids from divorced homes have a real tough time and usually repeat what their parents did.
InsanityImpaired Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 There is another clue. He decided he wants an open marriage. That is not something you do in a random moment of thought(lessness, choose which is applicable). But may well be a justification of his actions; he can't cheat if both partners agree that cheating is impossible, and he may see an open marriage as just that. I would do some serious investigations, to figure out the truth. But the impression that he may be cheating is not easily dismissed from what OP has written.
whichwayisup Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 kids from divorced homes have a real tough time and usually repeat what their parents did. ALL kids mimmick what they learn at home, whether or not their folks are together or not. But, what can help and maybe prevent the kids from making the same mistakes is therapy and being very involved in their lives as they grow up, making them feel safe and loved.
puddleofmud Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 but you are not objective. parents gloss over what is really happening to thier kids and tend to accentuate the positive and sweep the negatives under the rug. You are way too emotionally involved with your kids to give objective viewpoints in this area. And, perhaps you may be forcing YOUR subjective values as opposed to being objective? I doubt anyone would be reaching out if they merely tend to "gloss over" or sweep problems "under the rug". I see the opposite. This is a concerned parent who CARES about their children and has every right to be emotional as well as proud of them!!! I read your responses as very emotional so I see no need for one to criticize emotion. Perhaps you may give us some WORKING EXAMPLES about not just how you feel but HOW you have accomplished the values you relate? This way we may receive some valuable advice as opposed to merely one's opinion?
bonehead Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 that means diddley... So IMPROVED proformance in school means diddley????? Since when?
alphamale Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 So IMPROVED proformance in school means diddley????? Since when? if I had a quarter for each straight-A student who went into his school one morning and shot it up with an automatic weapon I'd probably have $10
Trialbyfire Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 yeah and in reality how often does that happen TBF?? all the divorced couples with kids that I know hate each others guts and use the kids as pawns in this bizarre game of emotional chess. And you wonder what it would be like for the children to live day-in and day-out with people like this?
alphamale Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 And you wonder what it would be like for the children to live day-in and day-out with people like this? no, i meant it gets worse post divorce...
bonehead Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 if I had a quarter for each straight-A student who went into his school one morning and shot it up with an automatic weapon I'd probably have $10 lol Do your research on the subject. Eric Hainstock was the shooter in Cazenovia Wisconsin. Was known for bragging about the trouble he got in at school. Had been the target of bullies. Ken Bartley was the shooter in Jacksboro Tenn. Had a history of problems at school. Jeff Weise was the shooter in at Red Lake High School. Had a troubled past. Father commited suicide, mother wasnt around. Held Neo Nazi type beliefs. Was targeted by other kids because of his neo nazi views. My line of work involves this very subject. Want more facts on more shootings?
Trialbyfire Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 no, i meant it gets worse post divorce... When you have volatile people, it gets pretty bad during the marriage. The constant tension, the fighting, usually high decibal vocal and sometimes physical, is not good for children. Overall, neutering and spaying is another solution for people that can't suck it up for the children, whether it's to stay in a marriage or leave it.
alphamale Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 When you have volatile people, it gets pretty bad during the marriage. The constant tension, the fighting, usually high decibal vocal and sometimes physical, is not good for children. but if you ask the kids they'll usually say they'd rather have both parent around no matter what. parents use that excuse because they feel guilty about the divorce and want to justify it for their own peace of mind.
Guest Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 When you have volatile people, it gets pretty bad during the marriage. The constant tension, the fighting, usually high decibal vocal and sometimes physical, is not good for children. Overall, neutering and spaying is another solution for people that can't suck it up for the children, whether it's to stay in a marriage or leave it. This is what has come down today. My husband and I sat down at breakfast and I asked him flat out if he had something to tell me concerning where our marriage goes. He hesitated and finally said he had met a woman in her early 30's and that he could not get her out of his mind. He admitted he is not happy with our marriage and that he would like out. I knew it was coming. He said she brings him "up" in a mental way only. He denies they have been physical. I am ready to grab that laptop and destroy it but at the same time, does anyone have the tech knowledge that his mail to her online can be still in his computer and if so, I could find out the real truth on him and her. I have taken your remarks on here to heart. Thanx.
bonehead Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 they want BOTH parents around. But its not always healthy for it to be togeather as man and wife. Divorce doesnt mean you leave your kids!!!!!!!!!
pureinheart Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 Hey Guest.... Well, my thoughts and prayers are with you. With him stating that he wants an open marriage says that he either wants to have an affair or currently is and wants you to be okay with it. Turning into a detective doesn't help as it causes greater anxiety, it could snowball to the point of obsession or you being his keeper....I know he is acting immature, but don't go into that sinking boat with him. We can't control nor change anyone, he will do what he will do. Take care of you and prepare yourself in the event that he does go into a total self-destruct mode.....
alphamale Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 Divorce doesnt mean you leave your kids!!!!!!!!! you're correct, but what it does mean is that one parent becomes primary and the other becomes secondary. Many times the secondary parent (usually the dad) just becomes a figurehead and has little interaction with the kid(s) becasue he's too busy banging his secretary.
bonehead Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 you're correct, but what it does mean is that one parent becomes primary and the other becomes secondary. Many times the secondary parent (usually the dad) just becomes a figurehead and has little interaction with the kid(s) becasue he's too busy banging his secretary. So mom should stay married while he bangs the secretary?
Moose Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 Unless there is clear evidence that the husband is having a sexual affair with someone, is physically abusing the wife or children, or simply becomes unreachable mentaly, there is NO cause for divorce. All other problems/issues are the resposiblites of the two who agreed upon this covenant. Marriage is an institution. It's best for ALL parties involved to uphold this institution unless it's deemed dysfunctional. This hasn't been proved yet. Unless, this man is cheating, it IS BEST that they remain married for the sake of the children. Overcoming this hurdle will teach them to be problem solvers, and not problem dodgers.
bonehead Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 This is what has come down today. My husband and I sat down at breakfast and I asked him flat out if he had something to tell me concerning where our marriage goes. He hesitated and finally said he had met a woman in her early 30's and that he could not get her out of his mind. He admitted he is not happy with our marriage and that he would like out. I knew it was coming. He said she brings him "up" in a mental way only. He denies they have been physical. I am ready to grab that laptop and destroy it but at the same time, does anyone have the tech knowledge that his mail to her online can be still in his computer and if so, I could find out the real truth on him and her. I have taken your remarks on here to heart. Thanx. Yes it could still be there depending on how he wrote it and what he uses for email.
puddleofmud Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 AM, you continually offer that no parent should leave a marriage . So then what if one parent is unwilling within the marriage? What if a child has been exposed to violence, abused or incest is involved? What if a spouse continues exta-marital exploits? What is your practical advice--not your opinion? And what can you supply (to those who are need) to back up your advice? If you may be unable to do so then it is my opinion that your alpha is not one of leadership where one find solutions for the pack but one of selfishness where one expects the pack to find the solutions. That's called "Beta" btw...
bonehead Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 I have written off what someone says on here. Most of the time I really do try and see everyones point of view, but the comment about the improved school work cinched it.
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