Guest Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 My husband and I are only 4 years different in age. Mid and early 50's. My husband is acting way too strange. He is too happy and walks around with a silly little grin every time he gets off his laptop. Says he is doing work. I suspect he might be having an affair. Wears different clothes, is going to the gym more often and is not focused at all. We don't talk much at all. We have 3 teenagers at home. That is our glue. I have told him I am not going to stand for his acting like a young guy emotionally. We wants an open marriage and I must admit our marriage has been just a show for years now. Any thoughts....
Tony T Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 Staying in a unhappy marriage "for the sake of the children" is absolutely nuts! Those kids are smart enough to know that things aren't right. You ONLY live one time....sure, you may come back as somebody else but right now is what counts. Why should you put yourself through your husbands computer shenanigans and his new style of dress and demeanor. If you like, put a detective on his tail...but more than likely your gut feeling is correct. If you've done everything you can to get your marriage back on track, get out of it. Many relationship books these days more or less state that once the children are of age the marriage has pretty well served its purpose unless the two people are in the rare but advantageous position of enjoying each other's company. You are not alone!
frannie Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 My husband and I are only 4 years different in age. Mid and early 50's. My husband is acting way too strange. He is too happy and walks around with a silly little grin every time he gets off his laptop. Says he is doing work. I suspect he might be having an affair. Wears different clothes, is going to the gym more often and is not focused at all. We don't talk much at all. We have 3 teenagers at home. That is our glue. I have told him I am not going to stand for his acting like a young guy emotionally. We wants an open marriage and I must admit our marriage has been just a show for years now. Any thoughts.... What has he said? What did you say to him? When you say 'we wants an open marriage' did you mean you and him, or him? If the children are your only glue... this could be a difficult situation... he's not behaving very well, and surely that's making you unhappy..? Do you want to reconnect with him?
InsanityImpaired Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 We wants an open marriage and I must admit our marriage has been just a show for years now. Is this a typo? Do you mean "He wants an open marriage"?
Trialbyfire Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 If your kids are teenagers, they're old enough to figure it out. An unhappy marriage where you two can't make it happen anymore together, isn't much of a marriage. He's a prime candidate for mid-life crisis. I agree, put a private detective on his tail. Keep in mind that you'll probably find things out that will shock you. Are you sure you want to know the truth and can handle it? Also, if you really want to track things before committing to a private detective, check his credit card statements and bank accounts for unusual entries.
alphamale Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 Staying in a unhappy marriage "for the sake of the children" is absolutely nuts! Thats not true at all....all studies show that kids that come from a home where both parents were areound (happy or not) fare better in life overall than kids from divorced homes. Plus, if you're gonna get married then stay married no matter what. The kids are #1 no matter what. Parents here in America only give a damn about themselves and not the kids. Hey...YOU GOT MARRIED SO NOW UPHOLD YOUR VOWS!!! FOR BETTER OR WORSE. Damn this pisses me off And plus...how many marriages are truly "happy" anyways?? 2%? 5%?? A marriage is meant for the kids and no one else.
Guest Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 Is this a typo? Do you mean "He wants an open marriage"? Yes, it was a typo. Does anyone know on cell phone statements, if the numbers he has called show up? He takes care of the bills so I never see them. I have observed him taking the laptop almost every evening, same time, into the family room telling me he needs to get work done. He aalso takes his laptop everywhere. Like us women with our purse. Is this odd? It is like he is guarding something. I feel the only reason we won't end this marriage is because he knows he will have to shell out a huge settlement and he guards that also.
Antheia Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 Yes, your husband is sleeping with me. Ooooops, sorry I really didn't mean to hurt anyone but it just happened P.S. Sex is out of this world!!!!1111
Guest Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 Thats not true at all....all studies show that kids that come from a home where both parents were areound (happy or not) fare better in life overall than kids from divorced homes. Cites, please. Of ALL studies.
NearlyThere Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 This was posted by Bonehead on another thread earlier on today I believe, hope you dont mind me copying it Bonehead. Divorce researcher and psychologist Judith Primavera, PhD, says it is clear that children often fare better emotionally when embattled parents divorce. Primavera is a psychology professor at Fairfield University in Connecticut. “It is inescapably harmful to grow up in a highly dysfunctional, two-parent home, particularly one where there is any type of domestic violence going on,” she tells WebMD. She adds that parents who do not fight, but, instead deal with unhappy marriages by having little to do with each other may also cause emotional harm to their children. “It isn’t just conflict,” she says. "If mom and dad lead separate lives and the children see that there is no connection, staying married probably isn’t doing them any favors, either. Children learn about relationships by watching their parents"
puddleofmud Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 I am sorry that you are feeling suspicious and uncomfortable. Perhaps you may wish to consult w/ an attorney as to your financial situation and what may be done as well as enter counseling (for yourself). I feel that since your spouse has already mentioned the idea of an "open marriage" as well as becoming illusive it is high time you learn of the legal realities of your marriage and take hold of your financial situation. Ignorance will not serve you well when you have children and a home to protect! Least of all your well-being and survival. Counseling may help w/ your lack of control in the marriage (why you need to be a participant in your marital financial affairs, etc). Legal consultation may help you understand what you need do further. Please remember that even if your husband is NOT having an affair; YOU are responsible and should be knowlegable about each and every aspect your marital/family affairs. It is also not unusual that when a spouse has plans to leave a marriage; assets may be "hidden", abused or just disappear....you may need to circumvent these possibilities. Take control, know what you are dealing with and if needed, get a plan! Best wishes to you and please protect yourself and your children.
Trialbyfire Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 Bingo!! Kids aren't stupid. They can sense the tension and in many marriages since there's strong emotion involved, many parents argue incessantly. Not a good environment to raise children in. When there's no affection between spouses or complete coldness, what kind of role model are you providing?
alphamale Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 When there's no affection between spouses or complete coldness, what kind of role model are you providing? its still a better role model than living with one parent and being shuffled between two households....not to mention dealing with new lovers of the divorced parents. not to mention the added financial stress. not to mention the mental stress kids go thru with hoping and praying the parents will reconcile one day. not to mention all the other krap they'll have to go thru. if I was a kid I'd much rather live in a house where both my parents are present even though they don't get along that well. the alternative would be worse. Many parents just uses the arguement that kids will be better off after divorce to justify the actual divorce cause they feel very guilty.
Pyro Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 Bingo!! Kids aren't stupid. They can sense the tension and in many marriages since there's strong emotion involved, many parents argue incessantly. Not a good environment to raise children in. When there's no affection between spouses or complete coldness, what kind of role model are you providing? Once my mother and father divorced, things got a whole better for myself and my brother and sister. Money was always an issue, as well as the arguing. Those problems went away as soon as they divorced. If you can't get along with your spouse and are unable to set a good example to the kids, then do get divorced. Kids don't need to see any arguements or physical or mental abuse. That could just give them the wrong ideas on what is acceptable in a marriage and what is not.
Freedom Now Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 Thats not true at all....all studies show that kids that come from a home where both parents were areound (happy or not) fare better in life overall than kids from divorced homes. Plus, if you're gonna get married then stay married no matter what. The kids are #1 no matter what. Parents here in America only give a damn about themselves and not the kids. Hey...YOU GOT MARRIED SO NOW UPHOLD YOUR VOWS!!! FOR BETTER OR WORSE. Damn this pisses me off And plus...how many marriages are truly "happy" anyways?? 2%? 5%?? A marriage is meant for the kids and no one else. I respectfully disagree. My children come from a divorced home and they have none of the maladjustment problems that people so quickly assume they will have. They are not into drugs, drinking, or any of the destructive behaviors that some of their friends who are in two parent homes are doing. They have a fabulous work ethic, go to school and are responsible, strong adults. I am very proud. It is all on how they are raised. One parent or two doesn't make a difference. My kids are living proof of it. Sorry, alpha. We're gonna have to agree to disagree on this one.
Sand&Water Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 RE: Ahh, the unrevolutionary trick of the trade. I suspect he might be having an affair. Wears different clothes, is going to the gym more often and is not focused at all. You suspect. Key word: Suspect. You can't link Subject A with Subject B. Essentially, just as any criminal investigator does, you need hardcore evidence -something substantial. I understand your concern for your husband -you've been married to him for years, afterall, and undoubtably know him better than anyone here. As a result, take the situation into your own stream of play. Children aside [whether they know or not, doesn't change a thing], you should confront him about the misleading information and his general outward behaviour. Don't involve the children. Don't place some of the dysfunction on their behalf. Proceed in an adult-like fashion and keep your emotions in check. Best Wishes. Sand&Water
bonehead Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 A marriage is meant for the kids and no one else. Thats a heavy burdon to put on your kids. Children will base their future relationships on what they have been exposed to. I have already seen it in my oldest. We have had some long talks about how his girlfriend treats him, and he has thrown back at me that " thats how mom treated you and YOU put up with it for a long time. " Just what I want MY kids to go through.
BUTAFLY Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 all studies show that kids that come from a home where both parents were areound (happy or not) fare better in life overall than kids from divorced homes.Information like this is usually spread by religous groups or groups like AFA (American Family Association) who's agenda is religous based. But anyway..... I just wanted to point out how this fourm has been somewhat hijacked by BS. No offense but shouldn't this thread be in the indifility room or even marriage room? You may get more helpful responses from people in your shoes in there.
Trialbyfire Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 Alpha, if both ex-spouses are mature about it, there is no shunting. It's more like having twice the family and twice the caring. I used to believe what you did, that you stay for the kids no matter what, but I've adapted due to assorted exposure through friends, family, etc. When you see the difference in the children when ugly or unhappy marriages dissolve, it's worth it. Riddler, you understand due to personal experience. Dead on.
BARBGURL Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 Thats not true at all....all studies show that kids that come from a home where both parents were areound (happy or not) fare better in life overall than kids from divorced homes. Plus, if you're gonna get married then stay married no matter what. The kids are #1 no matter what. Parents here in America only give a damn about themselves and not the kids. Hey...YOU GOT MARRIED SO NOW UPHOLD YOUR VOWS!!! FOR BETTER OR WORSE. Damn this pisses me off And plus...how many marriages are truly "happy" anyways?? 2%? 5%?? A marriage is meant for the kids and no one else. This is so true. People used to think it was healthier for the kids to be in a "tension-free" home ( or else they just wanted to take the easy way out ). In any case, it is true that children do much better when the family unit remains intact, no matter what. I completely agree with upholding the vows. Sometimes we make mistakes, but we still have to live with them.
Freedom Now Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 I, for one, would much rather have my kids see a healthy one parent home than an unhealthy two parent home. I would be doing them a disservice by staying in an unhealthy relationship and showing them that unhealthy behavior is normal. For, if that is their example, who is to say that they wouldn't perpetuate that cycle in their marriages? THAT, in my opinion, is unhealthy. Kids learn what they see. And, I want my kids to know that it is better to be alone than in a dysfunctional, unhealthy relationship.
Pyro Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 I, for one, would much rather have my kids see a healthy one parent home than an unhealthy two parent home. I would be doing them a disservice by staying in an unhealthy relationship and showing them that unhealthy behavior is normal. For, if that is their example, who is to say that they wouldn't perpetuate that cycle in their marriages? THAT, in my opinion, is unhealthy. Kids learn what they see. And, I want my kids to know that it is better to be alone than in a dysfunctional, unhealthy relationship. This is very true. How do you think that some people become abusers? I would bet that they probably learned it from a parent or both of them.
alphamale Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 Alpha, if both ex-spouses are mature about it, there is no shunting. . yeah and in reality how often does that happen TBF?? all the divorced couples with kids that I know hate each others guts and use the kids as pawns in this bizarre game of emotional chess.
puddleofmud Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 I disagree that child-centered marriages are best for children whether it be one of marriage or divorced parents. Children who integrate they are the center of the universe do not become whole nor healthy adults. It does not teach them to cope w/ the real world which is not about "them". One must learn that one's happiness and emotional state is one's own responsibility and that love and support is about giving as well as taking. Loving one's child is, indeed, about insulating them from pain, creating a safe environment, etc. but I do not feel that it is about negating ones self purely for another. Said children may become adults which EXPECT others to negate themselves for them or who learn to negate themselves. This creates the abuser/abused. Showing respect for one's self as a parent teaches a child to respect themselves and others. As a parent I feel that my children are not just mine, but a gift from God and citizens of the world. In that I am responsible for the way they become participants.
Chapter2 Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 Its an impossible burden. You are setting your kids up for failure. If you stay married only for your children, you WILL end up resenting the very thing you say you are staying for if indeed you aren't staying for YOU. Child abuse in my opinion. And yes, I'm allowed to say so, since it was done to me as a child. Thats a heavy burdon to put on your kids. Children will base their future relationships on what they have been exposed to. I have already seen it in my oldest. We have had some long talks about how his girlfriend treats him, and he has thrown back at me that " thats how mom treated you and YOU put up with it for a long time. " Just what I want MY kids to go through.
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