insomnie Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 My boyfriend and I are broken up now, but we still hang out. We don't have sex but do cuddle etc. We always seem to have a much better time than we did when we were together, and it's initiated about 50/50 by him and me. I defintiely want to get back together, but I want HIM to want to. That is, I don't want to exert any kind of pressure on him to make the decision. My question: is being friends a good idea? I think that by being better friends he will come to realize he likes spending time with me. This wasn't really the case for the end part of our 2.5 year relationship. We had jumped into it too quickly and never in all that time established things we both enjoyed doing together. That is important to both of us and something I feel like we're defintiely improving on now, in the "off" time. On the other hand, I've thought about it and I can't think of a single reason why, with the way things are, he would WANT to be in a relationship with me. I mean right now he gets to see me but can do whatever he wants, there's no expectation on him to treat me correctly. There's just no incentive. Or is there? I'm not really worried about cake thing because he said he wasn't itnerested in seeing other girls, and I believe him. If this ever chagnes I will deal with it then, but for now it's a non-issue. How should I proceed?
silentcharon Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 I defintiely want to get back together, but I want HIM to want to. He gets to see me but can do whatever he wants, there's no expectation on him to treat me correctly. There's just no incentive. Or is there? Think of this this way: Why would he want to get back together with you, when he already has you where he wants you to be? Think about it, you said it yourself, there's no incentive when he already has you. The only difference is that you guys aren't sleeping together, and he isn't in a commited relationship with you. You're already there, therefore he doesn't have to commit. I'm not really worried about cake thing because he said he wasn't itnerested in seeing other girls, and I believe him. If this ever chagnes I will deal with it then, but for now it's a non-issue. You might believe him now, but what about when it happens? Of course, it's not an issue right now, but when it happens, it will become a very big issue for you. You will feel betrayed, "But you said you weren't interested in seeing other girls!" And his defense? "It just happened!" Which most often happens, people just happen to fall in love, or sleep with each other, it often isn't a planned thing. Trust me, I've been there before and it just doesn't work. Your best bet is to stop being friends with him, because it is obvious you still have feelings for him. You can't be friends with him if you still want him to come back. You have to give him a chance to actually miss you, it's not too late- you've already shown him how fun it is still to be with you, so now is a good time to leave. He has to realize how much he values your friendship, and it won't happen if you're there all the time, which you are. You also should go into NC to re evaluate what it is you want for yourself, and to heal. How old are you guys? I'm guessing you're probably around 20.
norajane Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 If you want to get back together, you have to step back some so he can miss you. Right now, you're around when he wants some closeness, even if it doesn't include sex. I'm most concerned about you regarding the other woman thing. He could be out tonight and meet someone who knocks his socks off, and then you will be left out in the cold, hanging on to a friendship that slowly dwindles away while you get increasingly frustrated and depressed. For that reason alone - you KNOW how much you'd hate to hear that he has started seeing someone or is pining after someone else - you need to back off the friendship. If you didn't care about getting back together, I'd say stick around and be friends - although stop the CUDDLING. But since you want to get back together, you have to step back.
Author insomnie Posted December 3, 2006 Author Posted December 3, 2006 Thanks guy! I think both of you have stated wht I knew but was afraid to believe. Tomorrow is his Bday and I have already promised him that I'll go see him. But after that, I'm going to attempt to put some distance between us. It's so hard to do, because already I miss him so much. But necessary, I realize that.
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