Slept with me then nothing

[Gala]

One issue I haven't seen come up on this thread is the fact that this guy has gone through a divorce, and mentioned that to the OP. It's not apparent from the information here how recent that is for him, but people in Divorceland are often prone to erratic behavior - sudden changes of heart, conflicting signals, ambivalence, the full 9.

 

Gutted, you need someone who is grounded. This guy may have responded to your requests for "feedback" (if you will) by selecting particular things you did when you went out that were his "reasons" for not asking you out again or contacting you. I wouldn't take those too seriously or literally. After several entreaties from you, he came up with reasons. But I would guess there's a lot going on with him mentally/emotionally that you'll never know about. This is often why people (men and women) want something "casual."

 

Did he send some signals along the way that were not quite in a "casual" vein? Maybe. This may be part of why you're so conflicted.

 

I also think that you need to let go of the idea that this guy's validation will magically resolve your anxiety. Beginning to date after a long break is definitely nervous-making, and getting more comfortable with it is a process. That is where you are at. And that's OK!!!

[so gutted]

I have tried so many times to find someone grounded but they all walk. 5 times i have had the marriage discussion ( twice met the families involved) even dates have been set for a wedding and each time the guys have fled fast. Its a pattern i cant break away from ,hence the need for a casual thing.

 

Ok - so i fell for the guy, because he happened to be nice to me. I do feel led on, because even though i behaved like this, he still ( even when i was drunk) said he would see me again. he also didnt need to even touch me if he was so disgusted by me.but he took what he could and left.

 

he did send signs. told me his schedule for this month and how free he was........how we could visit a certain restaurant etc.......he has hurt me. i havnt chased men i have been in relationships with that have left me yet im chasing him relentlessly...why?

 

i did apologise to the extent of stalking. i got one text back after a few texts, calls and 1 voicemail i sent him. he let me down gently with the text i quoted above ( you were good physically- but u p*ssed me off words to that effect...).

 

About the divorce - i think she took him for his money, well all he said was i have just been throigh a messy divorce.

 

He may have loads of stuff going on, and maybe he wanted a simple fling, but i was all too much...........he didnt want to give me a second chance and i am SLOWLY realising that he wasnt all that - its me - im looking for security anywhere........maybe i thought i could do casual and walk and i fell for him.any more tips on this wider issue would be great.

 

( i did go out tonight - i had the best time ever and he went to the back of my mind..........)

[MOMMIE]

Good for you.....that's better than I'm doing at the moment...

[so gutted]

it still hurts me in the morning though

 

just dont know hoe to DELETE him

[Gala]

A couple of thoughts:

 

- The use of the word "messy" to describe a divorce indicates just that. Divorce is not pleasant even when both parties want to be amicable. And the emotions associated with a divorce that involve a lot of money would usually be pretty intense.

 

One very tricky aspect of dealing with divorced people is that WANT to be OK - they WANT to be functional. They may tell you they're over it, it's managed, whatever. This means little.

 

- Casual/FWB, in reality, presents challenges to both sexes for many reasons. That said, I have had some NSA encounters that were pretty satisfying because expectations were both very clear and very limited -- i.e., one night only. I don't necessarily recommend this route -- and I haven't played this game for a couple of years -- but it is possible. I do live in the Bay Area, which is a pretty progressive place, and people can be more open here to -- ahem -- alternative possibilities. But at the end of the day, human wiring is pretty much the same everywhere.

 

- The occurrence of two abruptly broken engagements/wedding dates is not a trivial detail. And it probably still has something to do with your reaction to this latest rejection. Have you spent any time in therapy about these? This may sound like an obvious question, but I thought it was worth asking.

[so gutted]

thanks gala. yes i have been to therapy. they gave me that positive thinking cr*p.didnt really help,these postings help me more to be honest.

 

i guess neither of us spoke about things before hand apart from about that meeting. during the meeting he did go on about meeting again, but obviosuly didnt carry it through.

 

i cant blame him too much, he went out for a night out, an evening of adult company and he got me. looks like he wanted more then NSA coz he mentioned that the physical side was good but i let him down with what i said etc.....

 

the broken engagements ( one was formal, one wasnt) have taken more of a toll then i thought. i thought the best way over these, after moping around ws to date others but the cycle repeats itself.they all flee, fast.

 

I have tried to resolve myself to be single forever, but it doesnt work. im 30 yrs old for gods sake, how can i go the next 30/40 years like this? lonely and bitter.

[Kamille]

From this thread I get the impression that the one issue you need to tackle above all Sogutted is your fear of being- ending up alone. I am 30 and single too and my last amourous adventure made me realize that sometimes this fear was motivating me to hang on to men who were not into me or not right for me (it pretty much ends being the same, if they're not into you they're obviously not right for you).

 

It would also make me internalize the failures of these mismatch and like you, my response was : 'whatever, I'll just resolve myself to be alone forever". I came to realize this thought was itself motivated by my fear (it was my way of trying to defend myself in a way).

 

So I have been doing a lot of work focusing on the fact that I am far from being alone - I have a very supportive family (which is as quirky as anyone's), a great job, marvelous friends etc etc. On top of that, I've stopped seing past relationships as failures and this has helped me appreciate them - and what I learned from them - a lot more.

 

Nowadays I seriously doubt I'm going to end up alone. Not only that, I now have faith that when I do fall in love again, it will be a very mature and healthy relationship.

 

Anyways, my suggestion: address and do away with this fear. It's incredibly liberating

[D-Lish]

Kamille? You're smart....

 

I'm sorry to be jumping into this thread so late.

I just had to respond to the being alone forever comment...

 

It's not going to happen Gutted. 30 is young, and you have plenty of opportunity to meet someone right for you. I'm a little older than you and am in a similar frame of mind- the wondering if I will meet the right person...

 

Right around the age of 30 I started feeling desperate about settling down and doing what I thought I was supposed to do... ie: get married, have kids. So I panicked and married the wrong guy. Now I'm divorced...

 

I'm realiziing now how important it is to be comfortable with being alone and independant. That's when all the self introspection and confidence building takes place, and I think it makes us ready to make better choices about who we date and who we chose to love.

 

Sometimes the fear of being alone can prompt us to settle, or make poor choices about the men we date. Make things right with yourself, enjoy being independant~ then you'll be ready to recognize the kind of qualities in another person that makes them a good fit for you.

 

The better I feel about myself, the better my judgement has become in picking a partner. You won't end up alone. But it's important to like yourself and who you are before you can be in a healthy relationship.

Nothing wrong with taking a time out from dating and figure things out.

 

D

[so gutted]

wow this is really taking a different turn now.

 

i dont want the race discussion again - but i must point out that the asian community is very very cruel and openly so, about not being married. this adds to the whole scenario.

 

I can stick 2 fingers up to them but the poison is there, planted in my brain.

 

the most disturbing thing is i have even thought that getting divorced is better then being single at 30. in the sense that when divorced they lay off a bit .....as in 'you deserve to be alone now"

 

i had a very very good night out, this helps so much. i think i am healing and best of all i havnt stalked him for 2 days! woooooooooohooooooooooooo!

 

great advice. very helpful.

[so gutted]

He texted me.

 

Happy new year. How are you? Want to meet up tommorow. no champagne - though. Same place. your shout.

 

What do you reckon?

 

Just when u get over them, they come out of the woodwork.

[Gala]

Now...given the agony you went through after this guy criticized and dismissed you, do you want to see him again?

 

It might be worth considering a talk with him on the phone before you agree to any plans.

 

There is no reason, after waiting over a month to hear from him, that you need to jump at a text message. I'm a bit of an old fogey, I know, but really I consider texting a rather barbaric means of communication. Convenient, yes. But reductive.

 

Time is our friend. It helps us be clear and decide things more carefully. Take your time.

 

Lastly, think about what you might expect from interaction with this guy.

[so gutted]

i wont be seeing him again. Time is a great healer. He put my through a lot. Now he is having the new year blues. He probably tried the dating site a few times ( i saw him on there) and it didnt work out or he met some worse then me possibly? There are some mingers on there. In comparison he is thinking i wasnt so bad after all.

 

Well im not doing this to myself. I have gone right off him. To say its my shout - is a bit cheeky, i couldnt pay what he did, we have completly different jobs, yet he must be expecting this....

 

I m not going bankcrupt for the sake of showing him im not a user and can pay my way. Also he knows where i work ( im usually more careful) can he do anything?

 

Just shows wonders never cease.

[Gala]

Well, it sounds like you made a good decision. BTW - what does "your shout" mean? That you'd be expected to pay for dinner? If so, that is really bleeping clueless and stupid of him.

 

Many years ago, my mother acquainted with me the phrase "the pleasure of your company" as justification for why men should pay much of the time. When she said it, I thought she was daft. However, she had a point.

 

Good for you!

[stillafool]

I'm glad you've decided not to see him again. I think it's rude of him to ignore your texts for weeks and then to send you a text saying

"physcially it was good, but you didn't split the cost of the room and drinks!!!!!!!!" Is he crazy? I think a man should pay at least on the first date. If he is that petty forget it!!! You mentioned him having money - well don't expect him to spend any of it on you by what he's said. I agree with Gala if he wants to ask you out he should call you and want to talk to you via phone. Also to want to meet in the same place and probably go back to a room again, forget him. He is showing you no respect. Also if he is just getting out of a divorce he probably wants to meet as many women as possible before he settles into a relationship with someone.

[so gutted]

i think the "your shout" thing may have been in response to my (erm )continued hounding of him, when i pushed him he said "physically it was good, but you didn't split the cost of the room and drinks!!!!!!!!"

 

so he has had a rethink, hasnt pulled anyone else ( he lacks that kind of confidence i think - having been married for so long) and thought "gutted wasnt so bad after all!"

 

yeh im not meeting him.

 

Your shout - means your treat/you pay. I think the man should pay at least on the first date. This way of thinking is fast declining though, as i have had men ask me outright for money and not small amounts either. I find it very rude.

 

Maybe he is testing me to see if i meant what i said ( in my houding period - i said i would have paid half - if you were talking to me at least). Anyway the whole thing would be pointless and its a way for him to feel less screwed by his ex wife who took him to the cleaners and now me... ( for having used him again ...he may think)

[Gala]

I'm assuming that when you refer to a room, you mean at a hotel. Now, my personal line is that the man should pay for that as well. But at the very least, any man grown up enough to be nosing around for FWB situations should also be capable of negotiating a cost split BEFOREHAND - if in fact he doesn't believe he should cover the cost himself. To complain about it after the fact is passive-aggressive and immature.

 

Yeah, people can be just amazingly obtuse sometimes...he may also be doing it to see if he can put this over on you. Also immature...divorce or no divorce.

[so gutted]

he willingly paid himself - now he expects me to match it.Im so stupid. why and how did i get into this? i gotta be more careful this time.

[Gala]

BTW - gave you turned him down? And how did he respond? Just curious. I've never had a man say "you owe me dinner." Cheeky indeed.

[CardPlay3r]

BTW - gave you turned him down? And how did he respond? Just curious. I've never had a man say "you owe me dinner." Cheeky indeed.

 

But is it not cheeky for the woman to say the same thing...or expect for the man to always pay up?

[Gala]

I do think that this is tricky terrain...but in this case the guy withheld communication, and used who was paying as an excuse for not seeing Gutted again, or speaking with her...then essentially said "you owe me." He is clearly ambivalent.

 

This set of questions comes down to values, which are a highly individual matter. I personally take a man's willingness to pay for an activity as an indicator of interest level...and trust me -- I went through quite a few years of very democratically splitting everything. I have also given my share of very generous gifts, dinners, et al. to men I was dating. If one is 23 and struggling, a reluctance to pay is understandable. But if the male is not struggling, and he doesn't want to cover a cost, I instantly wonder if he's really that into the situation. Especially in a new relationship.

[Mezzi]

You said in this thread that you havent slept with him but the thread is entitled "SLEPT with me then nothing"

 

Anyhow, I dont think this man was looking for a relationship rather he was just looking to have fun with someone.

 

In addition, I dont think it helped the matter much that you got drunk on your first date.

 

Next time pay attention to the signs, you initiated everything this guy had little interest in you to begin with.

 

Let it go.

[so gutted]

Yes - i know i shouldnt have got drunk. I think u have seen me regret that on here.

 

His behaviour is far more odd though.

 

Another text yesterday saying - whats your email address i will send you a pic. Im thinking of you.

 

Why did it take a month for him to think of me.

 

I didnt actually sleep with him.I find that less and less men pay nowadays - im not sure its an indicator of anything, apart from todays high priced lifestyle, however he has the means to pay so its a different situation.

 

THis is so petty. I havnt said anything apart from my email address. Im just going to ignore him, like he did to me. It doesnt matter now coz the damage is done and im truly not interested in meeting him now. He shouldnt be asking me to pay and he shouldnt expect me to be around after a months silence.

 

Do you think he will turn up at my workplace? thats my one concern.

 

I added this information to the post - to show everyone ( including myself) that these people can surprise you.

[Gala]

For your own sense of control, you may want to send him a clear, brief message in which you simply tell him that after some thought you have decided you're looking for a another type of situation. You don't need to say anything else, go into hurt feelings, anything - but I think it will help you move on from this.