blind_otter Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 Hmmm....and here I thought that's what alpha has been doing in many threads! hyjack much? start your own thread, dude. And lead by example, don't sink to lower levels to justify bad behavior.
RecordProducer Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 I can understand why you feel bad. You think this guy has the wrong idea of you and that if he knew the real you, you guys would be going out again. But, like everyone is saying, don't sweat it. Next time don't drink more than 2 drinks. A lot of people don't trust someone who gets drunk so easily. They think the person might be an alcoholic, or have other problems they don't want to deal with. It's okay to get drunk when you are well-established in a relationship. There is trust, and a history together. But not when you first meet someone. They don't know you yet, and assume the worst... Very good post, Nicki. I told my husband about this post and he said it was definitely because she got drunk why his interest went down. I recalled how I got drunk on a first (and last date) once. When I called the guy later, he told me that it wouldn't work out cuz I got drunk and spent the most of the night crying. But we did have sex. The truth behind it was that I totally didn't take this guy seriously and didn't care about what he thought of me or how things would develop. So I didn't watch my behavior. My getting drunk on the first date was in fact showing disrespect toward him, although he thought that I was just a girl with issues. We don't like people who pretend to be something else, but keeping in mind that we all have faults, we don't want to see them right away, because then we get to see the bad before the good. So instead of leaving the impression "She/he is a great person, but I am sure she/he has some faults like everyone else," the impression is: "She/he is so full of faults, I don't think I want to know him/her."
RecordProducer Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 A good heart is no good without the finance to back it up. Its just not practical. Generally a good job/money is one of the strong factors that attract me to someone. May sound shallow but its probably true for 99.9% of women. We want providers. I don't think we want guys with money as much as WE DON'T WANT GUYS WITH NO MONEY. It speaks of many personality traits (lack of ambition, education, self-confidence, self-organization, intelligence...) and it creates problems in a marriage when you have to struggle for every penny you make and you are deprived from many things in life. Between sitting on a bench in a park with a wonderful guy and taking a cruise with a face I can't look at, of course I would choose the former. But how about a cruise with the wonderful guy? We have the opportunity to choose so we tend to use it.
Author so gutted Posted December 5, 2006 Author Posted December 5, 2006 hmmm thats really awful, wot a punishment, his interest went down coz i got drunk. yet he ordered the alcohol. surely it was to loosen the mood? we discussed wot we going to do anyway, so he cant hold that agaisnt me. great now i leave a first and last impression of being a drunk floooozy.............yet im not..........im completly the opposite. the lastdrink i had was 2 years ago. I just got nervous and the only option to get rid of the nerves was to drink.
nicki Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 Of course it was a case of nerves, and you drank to quell them. We've all done that before . Now you know it's not the best idea to drink too much when nervous (except for one or two drinks, then it works.) Re-read RecordProducer's post. She explains it well. The guy didn't want to see the bad before the good. He doesn't know you, and only has your behavior to go by. You might not be a drunken floozy, but you certainly acted like one to someone who doesn't know you. Stop being mad at this guy and take some responsibility for your actions. He had the right to not ask you out again. I seriously doubt he is trying punishing you in any way. Send him a message if you want explaining what happened about your nerves and the subsequent drinking....then forgive yourself and move on. You made a mistake we have all made before...like I said before, from now on learn what your limits are and stick to them. You are actually very lucky that he didn't turn out to be a predator guy and take advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Author so gutted Posted December 5, 2006 Author Posted December 5, 2006 thanks - i may email him ( less intrusive) to explain that i didnt mean to say a few things ( personal) like why did she leave u ? why are you meeting me? etc........and that i dont normally drink. i dont want him to forcefully contact me - i just want to let on that im cringed out and dont think badly of me, im big enough to apologize.........
Author so gutted Posted December 8, 2006 Author Posted December 8, 2006 i did it. i texted him yesterday.i said : "hi how r u, hope your well. I just wanted to say i am really sorry for my behaviour that day. i do not usually drink. Just wanted to re emphasize that point when sober" he didnt reply. i m not sure why i did this, self destruction, waiting around for an answer?..........it was obvious he didnt want to speak to me and now i have made myself look pathetic - again. i STILL keep expecting a text from him. even if he said - no worries or something vague. i guess i didnt expect him not to respond. I wish this cycle would end and that i would start hating him. instead i am PINING like a 18 yr old. what do i do? i nearly called him just now....why am i willing to make myself look so stupid. this whole text was triggered by a receipt i found in my draw at work of the room he paid for. he seemed so nice and mentioend a few times that he would see me again. I have lot my last chance and now he will see me as desperate. Is there anything i can do? i am not getting over this at all. Life is so weird sometimes.I have walked out of longer real relationships more easily then this. what is wromg with me.
whichwayisup Posted December 8, 2006 Posted December 8, 2006 hi how r u, hope your well. I just wanted to say i am really sorry for my behaviour that day. i do not usually drink. Just wanted to re emphasize that point when sober" he didnt reply. What an a@@hole! Forget him!! He obviously is a big jerk-off and isn't worthy of your time.
Author so gutted Posted December 8, 2006 Author Posted December 8, 2006 thanks - your right i know that deep down. but how and when will i learn that. i am still hurting even though he treated me like this. i had the courtesy to apologize and he didnt even acknowledge it. i feel awful. I acted completly out of character and only did all of this because the week before i had a TERRIBLE experience, the worst of my life. I spent days in limbo. then this man came along and maybe i thought he could "help" me out of this/ take my mind of it, just be meeting someone new that seemed to like me and was paying me attention. If i was so dam awful why did he do anything with me at all. why cant he just close it off. i feel led on and stupid.
nicki Posted December 9, 2006 Posted December 9, 2006 Hey, you did a stand-up thing by texting him. And that was something that you did for YOU. Now, you can move on knowing you set the record straight about who you are. I agree he could have texted you back and said "I understand. Thanks for your message. Good luck!" But, he didn't, and that shows you what kind of guy he is...he's not like you in your thoughtfulness. So forget him. Delete his phone number from your phone. That way you won't be tempted. And, you know what happened to me while I was out last night at a bar? A guy spent over an hour hanging out next to me waiting to talk to me. When we finally started talking, he seemed so into me -- until he found out I was older than he is and I have children. He has children, too, but I guess he didn't like that I did because he took off sooo fast! It was like Road Runner...*poof* I thought, "Ouch," but then I shook it off. What a loser. The guy you went out with is a loser, too! (In fact, any guy who doesn't see how wonderful we are falls into this category ) So, delete his number now and don't think about him anymore.
consternation Posted December 9, 2006 Posted December 9, 2006 What a fuss about nothing. The real issue here is not why he didnt call... that much is obvious - it was just a casual thing, it didnt work out, so why bother chasing it? The issue is why gutted is obsessing about it. Anyone who cares how much money a man has.. when it's supposed to be a no strings casual thing .. is in denial about her ability to handle a casual relationship.. This was only going to end badly for gutted no matter what because the reality is she wants more. If you truly are after a no strings relationship, go have some sweaty sex with a young stud. Who cares about money or what his job is? Sheesh.
Author so gutted Posted December 9, 2006 Author Posted December 9, 2006 thanks nikki. im just not getting intimate again, i get too close and spend 2 weeks in limbo like this. i cant believe your guy had that attitude considering he had kids himself. what a hypocrite. you would expect someone in a similar position to understand. i guess this highlights how sensitive i am. it all makes me feel lonlier then before. im making a pact to have nights in/out with friends only until new year, i have booked them in so i dont get tmepted again!
nicki Posted December 9, 2006 Posted December 9, 2006 I get you on the whole "being sensitive" thing. I am the same way! And I seem to be getting worse...but then maybe again I'm just having expectations (when I used to have none!) Hanging out with friends sounds like a great idea. You can get your head clear and start the new year fresh. I'm going to do the same thing, with a few holiday cocktails along the way. Have a merry christmas/happy holiday....
Author so gutted Posted December 13, 2006 Author Posted December 13, 2006 and said that it was good physically but some of the things i said (when drunk ) put him off..........he also siad that i didnt offer to split the bill even though he wouldnt accept, it was the thought....... in return i said: i did pay - for the drink...i apologized many many many times, because i felt guilty about the amount spent. I also said that if i didnt offer to split because i didnt wnat to offend and that i DID apologize and i did check if the bill was paid. why did he say this? was it to make me feel bad. i texted him 3/4 times and called him a few times, he didnt answer. how could i explain if he didnt want to talk to me. i had the decency to apologize, because i knew that he could have used me when drunk, he could have been more angry...shouldnt my persistence to apologize and the fact that i checked that the bill was paid ( when i could have walked out) count for anything?
insomnie Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 I really think it's time to let all of this go. First impressions play a huge role in relationships and unfortunately he was not impressed by yours. Whether or not his opinion of you is based on who you really are or on a series of unfortunate events and misunderstandings doens't really matter. You won't be able to convince him to like you or to think any differently of you with argument. The only way to do that would be by spending more time with him, but I doubt your arguemtns will even get you a second-chance date. There's just no reason for one. You are looking for different things, you already started off on a bad foot...why continue the interaction? Lucky for you you can go your whole life without ever seeing him again. What he thinks of you doesn't really matter. Next time, know your limit.
Author so gutted Posted December 13, 2006 Author Posted December 13, 2006 yes but how do i let it go? any tips? the only way i can think of getting him out of my system is by seeing someone else, going through the whole process again. why did he bother to text at all then?
pureinheart Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 Most men don't respect the sex thing....meaning the woman they take home to "mom" usually isn't the woman that had sex with them right away....let this one go..... If it is possible, don't have sex with them, and trust me, they will call and be quite interested because you have earned their respect.... Most people think men are all about sex and that is a way to ensure a future with them....nope quite the opposite....
MOMMIE Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 so did you sleep with him or not? did you throw up or anything? I would be embarrassed too...I hope he calls at least to tell you what you did do...Thank God he was a nice guy and not a rapist or murderer...please be careful......
crazy_grl Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 the only relevence of me mentioning of me being asian was to give u the full picture, i.e that im not a white chav, regular clubbing pubbing binge drinker. Maybe before you start worrying about whether some guy who's not showing interest is going to call, you should work on your racist tendencies. FYI, I know a lot of asians who party like crazy and make me look like a nun. Being asian doesn't mean you're innocent and reserved and being a partying binge drinker doesn't mean you're white. I'm sure he knew you weren't white, so I don't think you had to worry about giving him that impression.
insomnie Posted December 13, 2006 Posted December 13, 2006 yes but how do i let it go? any tips? the only way i can think of getting him out of my system is by seeing someone else, going through the whole process again. why did he bother to text at all then? What is there to let go of, gutted? Where can you see this progressing? He told you he didn't want a relationship to begin with. He met up with you for some no strings attached companionship/ intimacy. It is obvious from this post that you're not the kind of perosn who can handle no strings attached anything, and that is ok. That's called having standards in whom you choose to hang out with, being selective about surrounding yourself withht people who actually LIKE you and care about you and vice versa, not just people to fill the emptiness of time or a lonely heart. It's totally ok.... really. But what exactly do you want from this guy? Even if what had happened didn't happen on your "date", chances are he would NOT have been what you're looking for. You two want completely different things...and as "great" as he seemed to you (and how can you even know that from the little intoxicated time you guys spent togehter? He's not so great for avoiding your calls now, is he?) your different desires woudl have ended up a dealbreaker anyway. Let it go. Tell yourself you have absolutely no control over his feelings and desires (becuase you DON'T) and that the only thing you can try to do is stop thinking about all this mess. And you CAN do that. It's called willpower. Keep yourself busy, keep your mind busy with other thoughts. Every time you feel thoughts of him creeping in, tell yourself to stop. And it's completley untrue that you will have to go through the "same thing" again with someone to get over this. Next time just pick someone more compatible with you. If a man tells you he wants a one-night stand, and you don't, DON'T GO OUT WITH HIM. And of course, don't get so drunk. Then it won't be the same thing at all, but "dating" and perhaps the start of something beautiful.
Author so gutted Posted December 14, 2006 Author Posted December 14, 2006 thanks that was so much more helpful. i used to have this will power and dignity and now i have turned into a stalker. its really degrading that im doing this to someone. I really do need all the help i can get. He isnt interested and he isnt that great. Crazy girl - your right. we are such hypocrites i know.we club, we see men, but dont forget we have to do all this in hiding. i didnt realize about how this came across. I know all white girls are not trash/chav. I work with some very classy selective ones.Apologies for that remark. I have got into a cycle of negativity. I go from one extreme to another. I have dated men for marraige only and then realised that although they said they wanted this, they didnt - they wanted a girlfriend/sex and as usual they marry mummys choice ( the complete opposite). I have then gone for this type of encounter - just for the thrill of it. It completely backfired. I enjoyed it at the time. ( No we didnt have sex). It made me feel so good. But then afterwards ( when he didnt call) I have felt the worst ever and I have started this strange search to get answers out of this poor innocent man. I HAVE GOT TO STOP HOUNDING HIM. ME MAY CALL THE POLICE? And no - i didnt throw up. i just spoke rubbish and he remembered it. He was so GIVING - then so unforgiving. I definetly cannot take this deal again.
MOMMIE Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 Oh, and I'm glad you didn't throw up either:p
crazy_grl Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 Crazy girl - your right. we are such hypocrites i know.we club, we see men, but dont forget we have to do all this in hiding. i didnt realize about how this came across. I know all white girls are not trash/chav. I work with some very classy selective ones.Apologies for that remark. You're forgiven. Forget about this guy. He may be a great guy, but you two want different things, so there's no way it'll work. He wants casual, no strings and that's clearly not for you. Better to be done with this guy now than to draw it out, develop feelings for him, and end up back here posting a thread about how you're in love with your FWB and he's acting like he's not interested. That situation would be a lot more painful. Just be glad of what you learned from the experience. Now you know no strings 'relationships' aren't for you.
DanielMadr Posted December 15, 2006 Posted December 15, 2006 He was clearly a gentleman. We love not to take advantage But we also dont think drunken lady is big catch. Ask him for a date. Say sorry but dont let the situatin be akward...just apologize. He will then know that you did that because you wanted to be taken advantage of and not because you are alcoholic
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