efini Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 Hi all, My ex gf broke up with me around 7-8 months ago, previously we were in a 3.5 yrs relationship together and was happy with each other. But since I have started a new job a year ago, I was consistently stressed up and was creating distance between myself and her. I'm currently 25 and she's 24 yrs old. Basically in the recent past 6 months before our breakup, we argued a lot and I didn't want to give in often to her requests and we were both really stressed up. And then finally she mentioned that she wanted some space and I felt like she was pulling away and one day I confronted her, we argued and then she mentioned that she wanted to break up. For the first few months I have been trying to get her back and admitted all my mistakes, I have never cheated on her but I admitted that I have taken her for granted, but I never meant to hurt her and wanted her to give me another chance. But to no avail, she mentioned that she's just too afraid to give me another chance and she's lost the confidence in me and doesn't feel like before anymore. Then I decided to not actively contact her anymore. And then she started to call me again after me not calling her for a while, then we started to go out again on friendly terms. Nonetheless, whenever I brought up being back togehter, she mentioned that she needs time and wanted us to be frens first. that really kills me. and in turn i became really depressed and i guess this turn her off and she became colder to me. then finally i found out that she started seeing other guy (that was 2 months ago, 6 months after our breakup) and i was heart broken and told her to not contact me anymore. she was really upset and after a few days she finally mention to me that she's not seeing the other guy but would appreciate that we still be frens. Then we started talking on the phone again (mainly she calls) but because of this mixed signals I feel like I won't be able to move on. I begin to respond to her less, sometimes no picking up her calls and not replying to her sms. And as a consequent, she's stopped calling and smsing me... I understand that it was partly my fault that she left, I have taken her for granted, not giving in to her as much as she wants. All this I guess have slowly changed her feelings towards me. It's been about 1 month since we have not contacted each other. But yet, I'm still feeling down whenver I think of her.. not sure why is it like that. Any advise from anyone here? Thanks in advance
P1xie Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 The sad thing about break ups is even though you don't really want the person back you want them to want you. By you not calling, you were a challenge again. You boosted her ego. Now it's time to let things go and move on. It's going to be painful but in time you will feel better. I know that isn't much consolation but that is how it goes.
alphamale Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 this relationship is basically over. don't be friends with her under any circumstance. move on and find another woman. it is the only way young jedi.
Pyro Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 There's nothing that you can do to change her mind. Salvage what dignity you have and move on. You will see in the long run that it is better this way.
Sand&Water Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 RE: 3 and a half year relationship. Pleasant surprise! Give yourself a warm hand of applause for making it thus far. Many young adults in your position, stay together for 1 year til they realize they've fried their brains out due to boredom. She is ony 24 years old. A young woman, progressing through life and changing with the tides. The fact that she smoothly transitioned to another man within a few months, indicates that she is content with her way of life. Moreso, I don't think she really fathomed you -and your character. When a man starts to fall apart into selfish and cold dismay, it is then that you realize the true structure and nature of the relationship. You didn't recover from the aftershock. You let it slide. This marks the end for everything. Be an acquaintance -a friend of her, if you like. Nothing more. Move on. There are other 20-something year olds. Good Luck. Sand&Water
alphamale Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 Be an acquaintance -a friend of her, if you like. Bad advice S&W....you may as well tell him to stick hot pokers in his eyes
Sand&Water Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 RE: Bad advice S&W....you may as well tell him to stick hot pokers in his eyes No. Good advice, Sand&Water. I said a simple acquaintance. A friend, IF he wants. But an acquaintance is fine. He doesn't have to be some cruel, evil scumbag. Balance, baby! Sand&Water
alphamale Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 I said a simple acquaintance. A friend, IF he wants. But an acquaintance is fine. what's the point? what would he get out of that?? she'll just keep him from moving on.
JCD Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 I agree with alphamale. He needs to forget about her in order to move on. Her being around would give him false hopes, not to mention she telling him about her adventures with other men would kill him. It's good that he discovered how she is because now he realizes that he needs someone who hangs around in bad times not only in good times.
Pyro Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 RE: No. Good advice, Sand&Water. I said a simple acquaintance. A friend, IF he wants. But an acquaintance is fine. He doesn't have to be some cruel, evil scumbag. Balance, baby! Sand&Water People can be friends or a simple acquaintance with their ex, but its not for everyone and I don't think that its for the OP either. Its too soon. Maybe down the road sometime.
Trialbyfire Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 Break ups always feel like nagging unfinished business. Don't look back at all the good times because even if you did get back together, it will never be the same. Time to move on and stop beating yourself up about it.
Author efini Posted December 2, 2006 Author Posted December 2, 2006 Thanks everyone for your insight and input. actually she didn't tell me that she went out with another guy before, when I realised that she was colder to me and having calls when we go out. I suspected she has someone pursuing, so when I asked her she denies it. But then a mutual friend told me that that's a guy pursuing her and she's been out with him for a few times. She basically lied to me. when i confronted her and asked why did she lie to me she mentioned that she didn't want me to be hurt. I dont know, she used to love me so much. So much so I got careless and took her for granted. I never thought I would lose her. And she's a really really nice person. I still think of her sometimes, one part of me still misses the memory we were together, we spent so much time together, almost everyday for the 3.5 yrs long relationship but another part of me is so angry and dissapointed that she's not willing to give me a second chance. Sometimes I'm just so confused... I guess for women, when their feelings changed, it's permanent..? Do you think NC will work for me to move on? Should I not be contacting her anymore?? I'm just afraid that since I have been neglecting her needs during our reln she may think I'm never going to change if I continue to not keep in contact... hope you guys can give some invaluable insights again in this. Thanks
AriaIncognito Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 I guess for women, when their feelings changed, it's permanent..? Thanks This isn't a gender specific thing. It's a person specific thing. When a relationship is over for you, you know it. And there's nothing anyone can say that can change that. People change, and sometimes, it's not for the better for the relationship. I know it's not what you want to hear, but you're also very young, and probably have many more loves to go before you settle down, so try not to get too hung up over this one. I was with someone for 4 years from age 23-27...and I know the heartbreak that goes along with people changing and growing apart. He and I are now friends, but we didn't start out that way. He's also VERY happily married with a child and one on the way. Anyway, chin up. It's not easy, most of us here know that and can share our experiences. However, you will find love again, and when you do, you'll wonder why you pined over this one for so long.
Author efini Posted December 3, 2006 Author Posted December 3, 2006 Thanks. each day is really difficult as I keep remembering the good things that we shared. I really am doubtful if I am able to find another gal like her again. Even when I fell sick after we have broken up last time, she still came and take care of me but she didn't mention that she wanted to return. I sometimes just got so confused of all this mixed signals. and now.. I really am lost.... I really don't undertand how one can just change the feelings and give up on a LTR. She's not my first gf but she's the only one I really fell in love with. And falling out of love at its greatest height... it just really hurts so much. Not sure if I would have the courage to love again.. sigh..
ultimon Posted December 4, 2006 Posted December 4, 2006 Thanks. each day is really difficult as I keep remembering the good things that we shared. I really am doubtful if I am able to find another gal like her again. Even when I fell sick after we have broken up last time, she still came and take care of me but she didn't mention that she wanted to return. I sometimes just got so confused of all this mixed signals. and now.. I really am lost.... I really don't undertand how one can just change the feelings and give up on a LTR. She's not my first gf but she's the only one I really fell in love with. And falling out of love at its greatest height... it just really hurts so much. Not sure if I would have the courage to love again.. sigh.. Its very normal to feel this way after a long term breakup. My first relationship lasted 3 years, and similarly, I took her for granted and she left me for another guy. We continued to talk on the phone once in a while for months until I got fed up and decided to do NO CONTACT and just focus on my life. It was probably the best thing I could've done for myself. There is no comfort in trying to talk to her ex again. Just appreciate what you've learn in this relationship. Time WILL heal your wounds.
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