Is it supposed to be like this?

[basket]

Hi guys.

Hear me out for a while. I'm at the darkest point in my life yet.

Its been 8 months since my gf found out i cheated on her. The whole affair lasted some 3 months. There was no sex just kissing and going out etc.

 

At first my gf said she'd forgive me and things seemd to be ok, but i knew it was too good to be true. Things just fell apart when the reality began to sink in.

 

She broke off with me 2 months after the whole ordeal but allowed me to stay with her.

She said she still loved me. Soon, her attitude to me began to change. She cut off all affection(i cant even hold her hand now), and she started developing this hate towards me. Naturally, she said she didnt love me anymore. We quarell almost every few days and its not because of some big issue but minor issues like me waking up late or me not wanting to follow her parents go on a trip. Most of the time, she ends up calling me names and insulting me. Recently, shes declared that i am a nobody to her and if the right person came along, shed leave in an instant and that the only reason shes with me is because of me supporting her. I know this couldnt be her talking cause i know her too well but recently, im not so sure.

 

Now, keep in mind that i have been nothing but transparent and always have been catering to her needs and wants spoiling her even before the whole affair started. You could say that i treated her like a princess. The affair however made a major hole in our life. We've been together for 4 years prior to that and our friendship has lasted more than 10 years.

 

Everytime we quarell, she'll say something like "It's your fault I'm like this. If you hadn't done what you did, it wouldnt be like this now".

 

Its really taxing me. Imagine every 2 days you have to beg for forgiveness and console her. I'm not complaining and i have never showed any unhappiness to her. It'll just explode to something bigger.

 

I see big things for us together. I love her so much and i can feel that we're meant to be together.

 

I know that something in her wants us to be okay because at times she'll let her guard down and will show me the slightest bit of affection or she'll talk to me about a future with me. These moments are rare but it is the only thing keeping my faith strong.

 

My question is is the long road to recovery meant to be like this? Is it this hard? I know it takes time but everyday is taking a lot out of me. I dont know what else to do. She wont listen to reason and blames me for everything. I accept my responsibility in all this, but can someone tell me its supposed to be like this.

[P1xie]

You betrayed her. She's hurt. There is probably so much pain for her right now.

 

I don't think she has really forgiven you, but loves you and that is why she stays. Time may help but I bet that it will always be a thorn in her side.

[CardPlay3r]

1) Don't make excuses for your cheating, treating her like a princess does NOT compensate for it.

 

2) Every time she sees you now the cheating memories come back to her. She clearly has trauma over it...a delayed reaction, so best thing would be to take a break from living together.

 

3) Both of you should get counselling...perhaps couples' counselling...

[basket]

hello.

 

1) please read carefully. Ive never made any excuses for cheating. In fact, i accept all the blame. I'm a cheater, i admit but that doesnt mean that I'm a scumbag. My point about the princess was to show that ive never treated her like **** and will always treat her well. I hope that i am on the right track by at least making her know that i'm here to care for her and love her. Im not looking to make it up to her by buying her gifts and what not. I understand it doesnt work that way. In fact, anyone who thinks he can buy himself out of an affair, is surely a fool.

 

2) Yeah. She clearly is traumatised about it. I dont know about the time apart thing. Its a double edged sword. One, she may heal better without me and we can start off all over again or she may just sink into depression again at the sight of me after a long time.

Maybe being together and fighting the feelings together may help. Im not sure on this.

 

3) I dont think shes the type that would listen to reason. We have to see how it pans out from here.

 

Maybe my post was out of sheer frustration due to the stress i get sometimes from trying to make it work. Its tough when only one party is willing.

 

All this has just taught me how terrible cheating can be. It's a lesson noone should have to learn..

[whichwayisup]

All you can do is reassure her of your love, and do all that it takes to gain her love and trust in you again. Do that not only in words, but in actions too. BE an open book with her, always let her know who you're with and what you're doing.

 

The affair however made a major hole in our life. We've been together for 4 years prior to that and our friendship has lasted more than 10 years.

 

Ofcourse it is! You threw away a 4 year relationship with history by choosing to cheat on her with another woman for 3 months.

 

GO to couples therapy together and maybe you need to consider going on your own to figure out why you felt the need to cheat on her. She didn't make you cheat, you did that on your own.

 

It is good that you're taking responsibility for your actions, so be patient with her. Let her go through the emotions of dealing with the fallout. Again, keep reassuring her that you love her.

[reservoirdog1]

The recovery time from being betrayed by somebody you love is measured in years, not months. You say you treated her wonderfully before you cheated-- which is part of why this is hitting her so hard. It's incomprehensible to her that somebody who treated her so well would betray her. She's questioning everything she thought she knew about you and about the two of you.

 

Of course she won't listen to reason. Reason has nothing to do with any of this. "Reason" is at odds with you having cheated on her when you supposedly loved her.

 

The best thing I can suggest is couples counselling, and time.

[che_jesse]

So if you love her like you say you do, why did you cheat on her?

 

Be happy shes even staying with your looser ass, if it were me I would have left the second I found out about this. You just pissed all over 4 years trust, its gonna take longer then a few months for her to "get over it".

 

Go to couples therapy.

[My Fair Katie]

 

1) please read carefully. Ive never made any excuses for cheating. In fact, i accept all the blame. I'm a cheater, i admit but that doesnt mean that I'm a scumbag. My point about the princess was to show that ive never treated her like **** and will always treat her well.

 

Umm, well you weren't treating her very well by betraying her trust. That's treating her like a whole army of asteriks man.

 

2) Yeah. She clearly is traumatised about it. I dont know about the time apart thing. Its a double edged sword. One, she may heal better without me and we can start off all over again or she may just sink into depression again at the sight of me after a long time.

Maybe being together and fighting the feelings together may help. Im not sure on this.

 

You may not have meant it that way, but you come across very, um, egotistical. Wow.

 

3) I dont think shes the type that would listen to reason. We have to see how it pans out from here.

 

 

*She* is acting unreasonable? Dude, you betrayed her. That's not treating her like a princess, heck, that's not even respecting her. You need to back off, you need to let her figure out her feelings without any influence from you. You need to not take it so personally when she snaps at you for not wanting to follow her parents around or whatever. You're not being reasonable here, you expect her to just snap out of it? To go back to trusting you because except those three months you've always been faithful? That's not how it works in real life.

 

Obviously you have NOT been transperant if you felt the need to go outside the relationship for affection. Why didn't you talk to you girlfriend, let her fill whatever void you thougth there was? For THREE months you snuck around.

 

Maybe my post was out of sheer frustration due to the stress i get sometimes from trying to make it work. Its tough when only one party is willing.

[\QUOTE]

 

Sorry I'm being a hard@$$, but seriously dude, it's tough when only one party is willing? ONE PARTY decided to stray. SHE was the willing party throughout your relationship. Those three months you were kissing another girl she ONLY kissed you. SHE was willing to make it work, and YOU messed it up. Stop playing the victim, it's silly. Sorry, you just don't get to take the high road here.

 

I've got a lot of sympathy for people who stray because I think monogamy is tough, but you don't get to play the victim when your mess up creates tension in a relationship. You have to decide whether you're willing to continue to treat her like a princess knowing that right now she can't appreciate because she can't get past the hurt right away. If you can, good, then TRY, if you can't for goodness sake let the girl find someone else to love.

 

And on a nicer note, seriously, good luck, it's obvious you still love her and I do hope you are both able to come to terms and figure out where you want to go from here.

[basket]

Hello all

 

i dont blame all of you for flaming me. Its not easy for me to accept what ive done. I betrayed her and alot of myself because i went against all my beliefs and morals. I never thought i had the capacity to cheat and swear on my life it will never happen again.

 

To those who think im trying to look for sympathy or for someone to make me feel better for my foolishness, im not. Im just experiencing the harshness of it all and am looking for fellow cheaters to share their experiences with me because in reality, this is infact very new to me; the repercussions and all. And most of you dont get that i understand it will take time. Im not asking her to snap out of it. Letting you know its been 8 months was just part of the story and not something that underlines how i feel about the whole situation. I understand it requires hard work, patience and time.

 

My Fair Katie, ive known her for more than 10 years and listening to reason is not what she does. Shes a very stubborn girl and was even before the whole mess. I did not mean reason as in im reasoning to her why it was ok for me to cheat, but rather reasoning to her that im really not outside with someone else being untruthful to her. Please dont think im trying to cover my ass with sweet talk and charm. I know it doesnt work that way and fully accept all blame and responsibility. I've been a very open book with her even before it started and have become so transparent and "open" since it happened. Perhaps sometimes i get frustrated that im really telling the truth, and somehow we get into an arguement about it which by the way, i dont argue back because i feel that she has every right to question my whereabouts and who im with. This is where i understand about how important trust really is. To everyone, please dont ever break your gf's trust.

 

You dont have to rub salt on my wound. I know that cheating on her was the worst thing i could have done to her and definitely not treating her well. I made a horrible mistake and am truly sorry for it.

I dont get the part about me being egotistical.

What i meant was that after i leave and maybe come back for her, she may have moved on and lost all feelings for me and my presence would just ruin it all for her. Its very selfish of me but i just cant lose her, but if need be, then ill do anything for her happiness.

I just felt that maybe it could work out if we stayed together and got through this together. I know shes not obligated, but i pray that she wants to be with me.

 

To che_jesse,

you can ask that question to cheaters everywhere who are remorseful and regretful, and most of them will say they don't know and it just happened even though they love their partners so much.

 

For me, it all was such a blur. Im not making any excuses. I should never have let it happen in the first place. I was weak and let someone else into my life and i singlehandedly ruined it. Its a lesson that i will never forget.

 

Thanks all for the replies. I'd like to make it clear that im not playing the victim or asking for sympathy. It's a living nightmare right now for me and i just wanted to know whether its normal to be like this. After all it is my first and last time. It's a nightmare i willingly live in to get back my dream.

[whichwayisup]

All you can then is try your best to get her trust again, and hope that she is willing to give you a real chance of proving yourself to her. If she isn't capable of this or at some point feels she can't get over it, then together you two make a decision. Until then, keep going, and definately go to therapy, together and apart. Maybe if she sees how hard you're working on yourself too, she'll relax and start trusting you bit by bit again.

 

Good luck.

[basket]

All you can then is try your best to get her trust again, and hope that she is willing to give you a real chance of proving yourself to her. If she isn't capable of this or at some point feels she can't get over it, then together you two make a decision. Until then, keep going, and definately go to therapy, together and apart. Maybe if she sees how hard you're working on yourself too, she'll relax and start trusting you bit by bit again.

 

Good luck.

 

Thank you. I know its up to me to show her and i have faith that one day that we will work out.

[norajane]

you can ask that question to cheaters everywhere who are remorseful and regretful, and most of them will say they don't know and it just happened even though they love their partners so much.

 

See, that's her major problem. If you "don't know" and it "just happened" once, what reassurance does she have that it won't "just happen" again? You can talk until you're blue in the face, but it's not going to erase her fears and feelings.

 

Time will help. You have to give her as much time as she needs to move beyond this. One day she will realize she doesn't want to carry around all this hurt anymore. That's when she'll either finally forgive you and the healing can begin, or she'll break up with you and the healing can begin. Until then, you just have to wait.

[basket]

See, that's her major problem. If you "don't know" and it "just happened" once, what reassurance does she have that it won't "just happen" again? You can talk until you're blue in the face, but it's not going to erase her fears and feelings.

 

Time will help. You have to give her as much time as she needs to move beyond this. One day she will realize she doesn't want to carry around all this hurt anymore. That's when she'll either finally forgive you and the healing can begin, or she'll break up with you and the healing can begin. Until then, you just have to wait.

 

 

Yeah. Its difficult almost impossible for her to be reassured it wont happen. Ive learnt a whole lot about trust from all this. All im doing now is reassuring her everyday that im true.

 

Actually, shes already broken up with me and we're together as friends who behave like a couple minus the affection. I think our friendship is also key to us still fighting through. I hope she forgives me though, but if its necessary for her to find her own way, then maybe in the near future we'll meet again.

 

Thank you for your kind words.

[CardPlay3r]

Hmm...this might be a silly idea, but maybe you could take a lie detector test with her present in a private company that offers that service...then if it shows truth to you wanting to change and regretting it etc. maybe she can trust you more...

[NewBeginning]

Hi guys.

I see big things for us together. I love her so much and i can feel that we're meant to be together.

 

I know that something in her wants us to be okay because at times she'll let her guard down and will show me the slightest bit of affection or she'll talk to me about a future with me. These moments are rare but it is the only thing keeping my faith strong.

 

My question is is the long road to recovery meant to be like this? Is it this hard? I know it takes time but everyday is taking a lot out of me. I dont know what else to do.

 

My husband of 12 years cheated on me in year 9 (and I only recently found out)...I can offer you the one thing that helped us get back on track. It's a lot of work...and it is 'religious' in nature, but the advice is sound and you can ignore the bible-ish stuff if you are not Christian. The information will fix things 100% ... it is the only thing that helped me and my husband (and we tried everything...counselors, books, name it). It is a DVD set called 'Marriage on the Rock' and it basically discusses the laws of marriage and relationships (priority, pursuit, and about 8 others) and gives details on what goes wrong and how to fix it and keep it that way. Over the years we have had communication problems and I have tried all kinds of different approaches, but this...and also we now write about 4 letters each week to each other....just detailing how we feel and the positive things we see in each other and our hopes and dreams and goals...the letters and the DVD set have changed our whole marriage. If we would have known then what we know now, our life would have been different, but it has improved to the point that we don't even see us as being that same couple.

I don't get paid a dime for saying a thing...and I'll warn you the DVD set is pricey..$99!! (if you get digital cable, try looking up the show 'Marriage Today' with Jimmy and Karen Evans...that's who does the DVD set and we started by watching the free shows. Not everyone gets the channel it's on, though.)

Hope it helps!

[BeenAround_N_Back]

basket, good luck to you. The road back is a long and difficult one. The thing is, when she found out you cheated, she had the rug pulled out from under her. Everything that she believed and trusted is gone - forever. you gotta start from scratch again. And the relationship you will have will be different, a more honest and sincere one I hope. Sometimes you have to tear everything down including the foundation and build the house from the ground up all over again. Good luck

[Guest]

I am in the same poition as your g/f. I found out my b/f cheated 8 months ago too. I love him, I am still with him, but forgiving is hard. I try hard not to make snide comments and to push him away, but to be honest, sometimes I look at him and I am so damn angrythat he put me through so much and hut me. I still have a cry, I still wonder if she is on the scene (god help them both if she is!!) and I still need lots of reassurance. Because I love him so much. Hang on in there, it will get better. I have resolved to start the new year the way I mean to go on... NEVER mentioning her.