Guest Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 Hello, I guess this is a question about lacking social circles (or networks) rather than individual friends or acquaintances, and it's about me and long, so sorry! I'm a 33 yr old guy. Back in high school I had a network of friends. There was my little circle of friends from same school plus countless others (friends of friends, etc).. After hs I think all my internal fears and insecurities came bursting out and I crawled into my shell. I had two choices, either stay the same route with my group of friends, or become one of them college people.. But I was all shy and uncomfortable w/ myself, so both choices were no good. My friends were stoners and pretty typical guys, as in hooking up with chicks, partying, etc.. You gotta understand too, it was the early 90's in a city outside Los Angeles, so everybody I knew was in some way a little roughed up, like my group consisted of mostly guys from broken homes and definitely not college guys.. so lots of drugs, weed, and (from my perspective) wanna be ghetto gangster guys.. although some of them actually were gangsters, there was a mix because most weren't, but because there were a few "real" ones in the crowd I think it kinda boosted their ego so they thought they were the real deal too.. Anyway I finally realized how pathetic it was, so I left that crowd. But then I was afraid of going the college route too, cause I imagined them to be outgoing yet fully mature and aware of things, so at least if I hung out with the druggy crowd they'd be too dumb to notice my social problems. But the college crowd, they'd notice easily, and I knew it, so that scared me. I was afraid of young cool people who had it together and weren't in a constant haze from drugs, IOW, concious people who would notice my flaws... So I took classes here and there at the local community college instead. Then worked part-time at the airport. I loved that life because although I was kinda a loner, I still felt like it was a respectable way of living. My airport job allowed me to embrace my "manhood", and I did have work friends to occasionally go out drinking with after work or something. And then go school the rest of the time. But that's where my problem was. I knew I could be a part of a normal, young, cool group of friends. I mean, I look like I'd belong for one thing. And I have a normal family, and I had the personality to know what's up and act cool and funny and fit in. I just didn't have the confidence tho, cause I hated myself. I mean, that's why I hung out with the loser stoners, cause I hated myself. I hated how I looked, how I talked, and I hated being from a family of mostly women who all seemed to be like a bunch of Oprah's surrounding me constantly. Everytime I'd run into some potential friends, I would feel so beneath them socially. Everyone seemed to be part of a larger circle, so everytime I'd meet someone, it was me who was this unknown stranger trying to join in the larger group. It was hard finding individual friends who were unattached, especially since this is L.A. and I am a minority. It's like, you gotta be part of a crowd unfortunately, at least that's the way I saw things. Anyway, I eventually started dating, luckily, (overcoming my shyness with women probably saved my life or I'd be dead now).. so these girls I dated was what I had to accept as being my social life.. which was fine with me! But years passed and I realized something wasn't right. Not having friends, but mostly, a group of friends, seems like I can't be the kind of person I know I'm capable of. It's just not the same with individual friends cause I admit I'm not that interesting to have a fulfilling relationship unless it's with more than one person. So now I'm in my early thirties and I work professionally, yet everyday is just the same routine of going to work then coming home. I'm not dating anyone now so that part of my life is nonexistent right now. And I don't know if dating is the end-all solution anymore cause I'm really becoming effected by my lack of a true group of friends, so I think I'm becoming more boring and just not that fun of a guy to be around unfortunately.. and I still suffer from these feelings of hating myself.. Arite, well I know that was too much info for a bunch of strangers to care, but hopefully, maybe someone out there will read this and say.. hey I can relate. And give me some info, what you did about it, maybe just something to help me see the light.. anything.. arite thanks a lot!
Ersatzteile Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 Everytime I'd run into some potential friends, I would feel so beneath them socially. Everyone seemed to be part of a larger circle, so everytime I'd meet someone, it was me who was this unknown stranger trying to join in the larger group. It was hard finding individual friends who were unattached, especially since this is L.A. and I am a minority. It's like, you gotta be part of a crowd unfortunately, at least that's the way I saw things. I know how you feel. I have been there. You are right. It's important for you to have non-dating relationships and friendships. I have always had the same problem with feeling unable to join an established group. When I sense that two people know each other really well, it makes me feel like there's no way I could possibly be one of their crowd. But other people manage this just fine, so... Something disheartening you do learn as you get older is that most people are really not interested in making new friends. I mean -- REALLY going outside of their own experience and making new friends. Most people just spend their entire lives sliding really rather comfortably and effortlessly from social circle to social circle. High school buddies, college friends, co-workers, other mommies with toddlers, church... etc etc. They don't really make friends so much as they wind up in the same situation as others and be friendly with the people they meet. Which is fine. But most people really do not want to make an effort to get to know someone outside of their circle. However, the good news is that there ARE people out there who are more inquisitive and curious about people than that. (and no, they're not all psycho) It's just that they are few and far between. Maybe you feel this pain more acutely because you are one of those kinds of people and you're finding most people AREN'T. You obviously are someone who is looking for something more than just sliding from group to group, or else you wouldn't have wanted to break away from the "stoners." When you find your group of ideal friends, what would you be interested in doing with them? Are you just looking to go out drinking with "cool" people who aren't stoners, or do you want to change the world, or maybe just something in between?
che_jesse Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 Go to a bar, start a dart game, make some friends. My bf and I sort of have totally different takes on this issue, I am the type of person that wants to spend her time with her family, the rest of the time... meh... if I go out and have tea with someone from PTA meetings then ok, whatever, thats fine, but really I'm just not interested in people that are not very close to me. I have hobbies, and people I know and do hobby stuff with from those hobbies, like my scuba diving, my guy does not dive, but after doing it for years I know plenty of people that do, I go dive with them and all that stuff. But I really would not call those types of people "friends" more like... acquaintances or "scuba pals" or... something... My guy on the other hand will invite you to our condo for drinks 10 minuets after meeting you at the gas station. He does not really get all that close to these people either but there is always this stupid mass of people around him, calling him, wanting to go out, whatever. We find a middle ground somewhere in between, every other weekend or so well go out and do something with people. But my whole point in telling all this is this: If you want a massive group of people around you, go out and meet people. But there is NOTHING wrong with not having people around you like that all the time. For some of us they are just not a priority.
Guest Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 Something disheartening you do learn as you get older is that most people are really not interested in making new friends. I mean -- REALLY going outside of their own experience and making new friends. Most people just spend their entire lives sliding really rather comfortably and effortlessly from social circle to social circle. High school buddies, college friends, co-workers, other mommies with toddlers, church... etc etc. They don't really make friends so much as they wind up in the same situation as others and be friendly with the people they meet. Which is fine. But most people really do not want to make an effort to get to know someone outside of their circle. ... When you find your group of ideal friends, what would you be interested in doing with them? Are you just looking to go out drinking with "cool" people who aren't stoners, or do you want to change the world, or maybe just something in between? Yeah you're right, and that's understandable since I was once there myself. When you're part of a group already there's no reason to go looking elsewhere. I'm not looking to change the world. hehe. I am perfectly fine tucked away in the corners of society, but it's just I'd rather be tucked away along with a few other people too. And it's good to know you have a "base" camp somewhere else you can always go back to for those occasional nights you when you're feeling a bit more sociable.
anna13 Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 But there is NOTHING wrong with not having people around you like that all the time. For some of us they are just not a priority. I totally agree with that , I used to be envious of people who had "clicks" but now I hate clicks , and it doesn't bother me if i have only one or two people I know. Life is better simple I say . Everytime I'd run into some potential friends, I would feel so beneath them socially. Everyone seemed to be part of a larger circle, so everytime I'd meet someone, it was me who was this unknown stranger trying to join in the larger group. It was hard finding individual friends who were unattached, especially since this is L.A. and I am a minority. It's like, you gotta be part of a crowd unfortunately, at least that's the way I saw things. I know what you mean , but i have discovered that I am a happier person just being friendly to people and saying hello instead of trying to hang out with people or with their groups. the truth is there are people out there who want to make friends, not just you , and not just me. I find that if I am friendly to people and we get along we chat together and enjoy each others company when we have it , and even though I know that I am not a part of that person's click , that's ok , because I am just happy that I am myself , and i don't have to change myself to fit into any group of people. you know what i mean?
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