ratingsguy Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 Hi everyone, I was looking for some opinions on a fairly common situation. I know a woman who's been married for 21 years. Her husband is very cold and has been this way for their entire marriage. He's not a bad guy, in fact he's supports his family quite well and is not abusive in any way. He's just extremely stoic and doesn't express love to his wife. It has gotten to the point where she will end up in tears feeling so trapped in her marriage. After 21 years, the wife can't take it anymore and has informed her husband that she wants a divorce. They have a 16 year old and an 18 year old, both being your average teenage kid. The wife and her husband both agreed that they should wait until the kids are grown (basically 2 years until the 16 year old is 18). Now she is having second thoughts about waiting. She is contemplating being up-front with her kids (they don't know that their parents discussed divorce, but they can clearly see this marriage is a cold one) and seeing what their reactions are to their parents filing for divorce. Is that wise? What do you think the best course of action is? Should she wait those 2 years and be unhappy or just start the ball rolling now? Are the kids old enough to handle this? Thanks for your help.
EnigmaXOXO Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 I should apologize in advance if my personal perspective on all this doesn't help to reinforce any irrational thinking on your part or the part of this married woman's. But you gotta remember … I'm standing on the outside looking in without all the heartstrings, emotions, and wishful thinking attached. And that's exactly why it may all come off rather analytical and antiseptic to you. FIRST: You don't need the "go-ahead" from your spouse to file for a divorce or legal separation IF that's what you really want. All she needs to do is have an attorney draft the paperwork. In the worst case scenario … her husband may refuse to sign … or stall the process while his own attorney hashes out the details with her attorney. If things get too ugly, she wouldn't even have to remain in the marital home. You say she is already financially independent, so there's no reason she couldn't afford to move out into her own place … IF she is as unhappy with her home situation as she claims. As a matter of fact, it would make it easier for the two of you to spend more real time together getting to know each other as a 'genuine couple' instead of the occasional visit and email exchange. IF a future with you is something she desires more than the lifestyle and relationship she already has … than there is absolutely nothing preventing her from having that. SECOND: If what she says is true … and her older children are already aware of how unhappy the marriage is … than now would be a better time than later for both of them to gather the family together and discuss what will be happening within this "two year" time period she claims they have set. Certainly easier to explain the situation now before anyone discovers that Mommy already has another man. Particularly since there are no custody, visitation, and/or child support issues to hash out. The sixteen-year-old is certainly old enough to decide for himself which parent he wishes to reside with. Wouldn't make any difference breaking the bad news to them now than it would if she waited until they were fifty. THIRD: If this woman already has a substantial income of her own … then certainly there can be no reason why she would want to keep your friendship a secret to better her chances of qualifying for spousal support. There would be an equal split of marital/property assets in either event. Unless she was hoping to walk away from this marriage with more than 'you' and her fair share of $$$$. So … if money isn't the issue. If negotiating custody, visitation and/or long-term child support isn't an issue. If wanting to spend the rest of her life with you instead of her husband isn't an issue … then I'm at a loss for any other reason as to why she would be stalling. Can you? :confused: Is that wise? What do you think the best course of action is? Should she wait those 2 years and be unhappy or just start the ball rolling now? Are the kids old enough to handle this? Only she and her husband can answer this. You, me and the rest of us outsiders can only speculate.
Ssheena Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 Hi Ratingsguy. Are you involved with this woman or is she just a friend of yours? I didn't get anything from your posting that hinted that you wanted to be with her so I'm going to approach it from a different perspective (as I am divorced and have two teenagers although they were 5 and 6 when we split up). 1) the kids are going to take it badly at first anyway, anytime. Even if both parents sit down and tell them 100 million times it doesn't have anything to do with them and both of them love them, they still will have a hard time at first. 2) the good thing is they are old enought to both see and understand and hopefully, be able to communicate what is going on for them. 3) I don't think she should wait. The thing is you only get one life and if she has been unhappy for so long, why stay in the same situation for 2 more years? I always thought during/after my marriage and divorce that it would be and it is better for me to be alone and have the opportunity to meet and be in a great relationship so my kids could see what a GOOD relationship looks like. What kind of example are her and her husband giving the kids? Would you want to have that kind of loveless marriage and grow up knowing only that to base your "what married life is like" on? I do think it is best she discusses this with a lawyer and with her husband and they sit down together with the children and tell them together. It's not an easy place to be but I give kudos to her for realizing that she needs to get out of her marriage.
Author ratingsguy Posted December 3, 2006 Author Posted December 3, 2006 Thank you both for the advice. Yes, I am involved with this woman that I speak of (see the OW/OM message board). It bothers me that I got into this situation, and I would really like to see her get a divorce. Not only because I want to be with her legitimately, but also because I'm not proud about the fact that I'm in love with a MW. It sounds like you both think that now is the time for her to sit down the H to get him to agree to a divorce, and then sit down the kids and explain what's going on. I tend to agree, and I also agree with another poster on the OW/OM board that the waiting 2 years could be a stall tactic on the part of the H. The thing is though that she does recognize that he's a good person, just not for her. So she's not going to file divorce without his agreement... she wants to keep it amicable. Her exact words were "he's like a brother to me, not a husband". So she still likes the guy, just doesn't want to be with him. I figure a 16 and 18 year old can handle this better than kids say 6 and 8. Plus it's going to happen anyway. I've never been through a divorce, so I can't speak with any authority. However, I have to imagine that to someone who's been married 21 years this is all somewhat intimidating. So now the question becomes how do I bring up the topic of her getting a divorce now (as opposed to later) without being perceived as being too pushy? It's a pretty delicate topic, so how should I go about it?
Trialbyfire Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 Her kids are old enough to be able to handle a divorce, if both parents are sufficiently mature enough to not use them as the battleground. Good for you to push her forward to make an honest relationship between the two of you. I can get behind this.
bonehead Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 will do no one any good. Be prepared though for it to go nowhere. Remember some things from your OW/OM posts
Ssheena Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 Ok, I read the posting over on the OW/OM thread. I wonder if she has met other guys before you and not told them she was married until after they met. Are you the first guy she has been with in 21 years besides her husband? Are you sure? Also, if you know there is no future with her, why are you wasting your time with her? I know you are in love with her but she is cheating on her husband and stringing you along. She's got it really good. A nice younger man to have fun with and no responsibilites - no day to day kids, house, money etc - of course, she must like this. She can play and have her real life as well. Why get divorced when she can have little semi-relationships like this? There are right now no consequences to her behavior and I'm betting if you said, either get a divorce or you can't be with me anymore, she would just let you go or fix you up with a friend. I can see it now, hey anybody know anyone who is looking for a nice boyfriend? He's pretty good in the sack but doesn't have a lot of money. I was having an affair with him but he told me he wouldn't continue with me unless I got a divorce and there is no way I'm giving up my lifestyle to be with him. Why does it even matter to you if she gets a divorce or not? If she is soooo unhappy and cries, then she should deal with it. I hate it when people just bitch and bitch and bitch about things and never do anything about it. Either poop or get off the can. I personally, would never ever ever (and I've been in the situation where I could have) be with someone who was currently in a relationship. You wanna be with me, then break up with who you are with first. She didn't even give you the chance to make that decision as she didn't tell you she was married from the get go. What kind of woman does that? Bad scene.
Billiefire Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 I could be that woman...so let me share what she could be contending with and why it may seem that she is slow to act...there are two sides to every story. She loves her children and suffers from thinking she will hurt them greatly...she has problems with her self esteem all relating back to her current marriage...she could be contending with state divorce laws (i.e. She may not be able to purchase a house without his signature or can't leave the state with children or maybe can't get approved for a loan.) Perhaps her money situation is not letting her get out... It is not true that all women are out to hurt the man. Some men just stay in denial forever and do nothing to better the relationship. Obviously something was lacking in this relationship and she was not feeling what was needed and knew that she needed to move on.
Billiefire Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 ssheena- Your "Poop or get off the can!" tickled me. I might make that my new slogan here as that is exactly what I have been working on and I don't want to be constipated anymore!!
whichwayisup Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 I guess I just can't see ending a marriage and jumping into another relationship so quickly working out. Be prepared for alot of bumps, emotions and problems with their kids. It won't be an easy transition. And not only that, but he is always going to be around, so IF they do end it I really hope it's done respectfully and not done in a bad way.
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