I Need All The Response I Can Get

[vluna00]

I am confused with what is being said. I didn't say they were redneck bigots, and I don't have a problem with his parents because they don't visit anyone ever. I have issues with his needy, selfish siblings who feel that him marrying me has changed their relationship. I love my husband and if I didn't I wouldn't be dealing with his family. I haven't even scratch the service of all the stuff that they have done but I have been giving them the benefit of the doubt. After a while you wonder whether or not they are doing things out of ignorance or mere spite. But I wouldn't say they are redneck bigots eating opossum or what ever because that isn't who I am. That would be the same as if they said I just washed off shore and am trying to be civilized... not cool.

[vluna00]

Call your SIL and tell her that you feel that since the two of you are family that you want to be close to her. Tell her that it bothers you that she calls your H to ask questions of you. Ask her it just the two of you can get together and do something.

 

BAB this is the person I usually am. Don't you have days where you feel you don't want to go this route. That you are too tired to fix stuff? I just feel I need space even if it is the holidays. Somedays you just don't feel like being the better person. Today doesn't look good, maybe tomorrow will be better.

 

Thanks for the advice I'll keep it in mind

[Lennox]

First of all, I would never use the term "white trash". I used the term "trailer trash". The behavior of the siblings towards the OP is indicative of trashy behavior. She's not nuts nor is being unreasonable regarding this situation. They have shown her, repeatedly, that they think less of her. They thank her husband for "sending" her over but don't even acknowledge her in the process personally? Would they have done the same thing to someone of a different race? Why do they act so harshly when her husband chose to marry HER? Whether it's because of her race, which is the more likely scenario, or because they simply don't like her, doesn't really matter! Another telling thing is that one of them is crying now and accusing her, in a very cowardly way, of pre-judging them. That's the first thing someone that is prejudiced does, is accuse the other person of being prejudiced without any indicators of past behavior that would lead to that assumption. It's a coward's way of dealing with things, and bigots are cowards by nature.

 

If the OP is anything like the traditional latina girl, she came into the marriage expecting for these people to become her family in all ways. His mom and dad become her mom and dad, his brothers and sisters become her brothers and sisters, and so on. What she found was a very rude awakening. She can't give them carte blanche to come over at any time because they'll abuse it. She may have to deal with little reminders in her hubby that he came from that background from time to time, but it doesn't mean he's a bad guy nor a fish that she should throw back.

 

Luna, I'm glad I could make you laugh. I don't think these people REALLY roast oppossum. But their behavior towards you is pretty trashy. I hope that you can educate them enough so they start to accept you as a person. I don't think that anyone here can KNOW that race isn't playing a factor in your situation. Unfortunately, racism still exists today just as strong as it's ever existed. The particular circumstances in your case lead me to believe that it is a factor. You can't fix a problem unless you analyze it and determine what it's root cause is.

 

Does your side of the family accept him and treat him well? Hopefully they do so he can want and demand the same acceptance for you from his side.

[blind_otter]

Good luck with that.

 

Personally, I think you had an opportunity to truly 'take the high road', and as unfortunate as it may be... I think you'll more than likely have YEARS to regret that you didn't.

 

I find it odd that you can say you love this man, and yet not find anything whatsoever endearing about the people who raised him to manhood. If they're all insufferable "rednecks", how is it that he managed to arrive at adulthood unscathed and worth marrying?

 

Yeah... I can see how your in-law's are real "white trash" a*holes. What with all that 'reaching out with the olive branch' bullsh*t.

 

I've been reading and I agree with LJ.

 

Let me tell you a story. My sister (and I) are of mixed race, asian and white. When my sister became engaged to her husband, her H's racist family disowned him and prayed for them to divorce, etc. at their church. They called her names, tried to split them up, and were openly hostile to her and my family in general. My BIL's uncle even threatened to show up at the wedding with a gun to take down all the "chinks."

 

When my sister gave birth to their first child, the family suddenly wanted to see the boy. There are always thinly veild insults toward my sister, but she is a class act. She deals with them gracefully and always extends hospitality. She attends family events, and vents afterward to me or my other sister. She is the epitome of niceness to these hostile people.

 

Her kindness and graciousness only serve to make her look better than they do. They are slowly coming around and have been nicer to her and the family as well.

 

Her classiness, her failure to stoop to their level, makes her even more endearing in her husband's eyes and he loves her very much and sides with her a lot more often.

 

You would do well to act like the better woman in this situation.

[Lennox]

Classiness does not equate being a doormat. Your sister is being a doormat. Why should anyone put up with thinly veiled insults, especially when children that can be influenced by them are nearby? What a lesson to teach a child. Mom is a doormat and it's ok to insult her. Yeah, sounds like a class act to me.

[bab]

BAB this is the person I usually am. Don't you have days where you feel you don't want to go this route. That you are too tired to fix stuff? I just feel I need space even if it is the holidays. Somedays you just don't feel like being the better person. Today doesn't look good, maybe tomorrow will be better.

 

Thanks for the advice I'll keep it in mind

 

Absolutely I get days when I don't feel like it. But the thing is, putting in a lot of effort in the beginning can reap so many rewards later. Assuming you took your marriage vows seriously, they are going to be your family for the rest of your life. It sucks that they aren't putting in the effort to be close to you, but if you want it, go after it. You don't get to trade them in.

 

I'm kind of in the opposite situation as you. My new family are very close with each other, and very social and are including me in that. My family and I aren't as close, so it seems odd to me for the family to be as involved in my H and I's life as they are. They are all very nice people, and I'm warming up to including them more in a variety of aspects of my life, but it's still unnatural to me and it takes effort on my part.

 

Which is why I think it's maybe similar for your H's family. My siblings and parents rarely talk to my H. They like him just fine, but when they call, they call to talk to me. I do the same thing with my sister's H. When I call I do they Hey, how are you, is my sister home? I like him just fine, but we just aren't close.

[Ladyjane14]

First of all, I would never use the term "white trash". I used the term "trailer trash".

 

My baby niece lives in a mobile home... a trailer, if you will. So, do you think my baby niece is "trash" then, Lennox???

 

The behavior of the siblings towards the OP is indicative of trashy behavior.

 

Well, you might think so, but that doesn't necessarily make it true. I haven't seen a thing here that doesn't go on in thousands... no, millions... of extended families throughout the world. People are people. Sometimes they do the right thing, and sometimes they do the wrong thing. Folks are naturally going to annoy each other from time to time, particularly during the 'getting aquainted' phase.

 

She's not nuts nor is being unreasonable regarding this situation.

 

Nobody said she's "nuts". But IMHO... she is being somewhat unreasonable. Because in the end, the marital relationship becomes strained.

 

 

They have shown her, repeatedly, that they think less of her. They thank her husband for "sending" her over but don't even acknowledge her in the process personally? Would they have done the same thing to someone of a different race? Why do they act so harshly when her husband chose to marry HER? Whether it's because of her race, which is the more likely scenario, or because they simply don't like her, doesn't really matter! Another telling thing is that one of them is crying now and accusing her, in a very cowardly way, of pre-judging them. That's the first thing someone that is prejudiced does, is accuse the other person of being prejudiced without any indicators of past behavior that would lead to that assumption. It's a coward's way of dealing with things, and bigots are cowards by nature.

 

These are your assumptions. Again, there's no basis in fact posted here by the OP for jumping to these conclusions. Why would they fail to thank her in person because of her race? That doesn't even make sense. Couldn't it just as easily be that they overlooked the appropriate etiquette?

 

If the OP is anything like the traditional latina girl, she came into the marriage expecting for these people to become her family in all ways. His mom and dad become her mom and dad, his brothers and sisters become her brothers and sisters, and so on. What she found was a very rude awakening.

 

What kind of extended family do YOU have, Lennox? 'Cause damn... must be sweet not to have brothers and sisters, parents and aunts, who never put their foot in their mouth and piss you off.

 

I know that's not how it is in MY family.

And I'm not talking in-laws here. I'm talking MY blood relatives who... like other folks, make mistakes and occasionally say or do the wrong thing.

 

Who knows, maybe they already ARE treating her like part of the family... dropping in, failing to use their best manners. Hmmm.. sounds like "family" to me.

 

She can't give them carte blanche to come over at any time because they'll abuse it. She may have to deal with little reminders in her hubby that he came from that background from time to time, but it doesn't mean he's a bad guy nor a fish that she should throw back.

 

I agree that there are times when we have to draw up some boundaries. For example, if my brother-in-law had an underage girlfriend, he would NOT be welcome to bring her to my home. There's not just the legal issue of 'contributing to the delinquency of a minor', but it would also be a moral issue for me. I still view 17-year olds as kids.

 

That said, "carte blanche to come over any time" is a double-edged sword, isn't it? You can't say... 'accept-me-as-if-I-were-your-very-own-daughter-because-I'm-latina-and-that's-how-we-do-it'... and then hold them at arm's length as if they were strangers.

 

All in all, Lennox... you've done nothing here but 'stir the pot'. Other folks, like Otter and Bab, have offered personal stories and advice. You've offered THE RACE CARD.

 

All over the world, this same scenario is going to play out during the holiday season, just like every holiday season in the past. This one will be mad at that one, and that one will cuss out this one. And surprise... not EVERY family going through all that is going to have a blend of custom and heritage to deal with. But they're gonna squabble anyhow.

 

Then they're going to make up and squabble again. That's how family's are.

 

My thought for Luna is this.... Why pour gasoline on a fire you're trying to put out? Why not use water instead?

[Lennox]

Well LJ, your niece could or could not be trailer trash. I don't know and I frankly don't care, it's not about her.

 

I think it's pretty ignorant to just throw away the possibility that race is playing a factor in this case. We would all love to stick our heads in the sand and pretend that bigots don't exist, but they do. Babs offered her advice and I didn't take issue with it. The only advice that I took issue with, and apparently you think it's hunky dory, was Otter's. We have a woman who has a child, and her relatives are allowed to insult her in front of the kid? That's a good thing????? You really think that putting up with that sort of behavior is something to be admired and good advice?

 

Luna gave enough information in her posts that are indicative that race may be playing a factor in her situation. It's not leap in logic to see that. However, if you're going to automatically go on the defensive just because someone makes the assertion that race could be a factor, you're not going to see it because of your defensiveness.

[Ladyjane14]

Well LJ, your niece could or could not be trailer trash. I don't know and I frankly don't care, it's not about her.

 

She's a baby.

Geez.... your world must be a sad place indeed if you can relate babies to trash in any way, shape, or form.

 

I think it's pretty ignorant ....

 

I think any of us who've read your posts are pretty much aware of how many things you think are "ignorant", Lennox.

 

Frankly, I just don't have the kind of time it would take to get through the list today.

[Lennox]

LOL well there's another one to file under the misunderstood category.

 

First of all, I wasn't aware that you were talking about a literal BABY. My best friend's nephew is in his 20's now, has two kids, serving in the Army for a second tour in Iraq, and he's still my baby George. My nephew and nieces are also still my babies and I call them that, "baby". Doesn't matter that the oldest is starting college and the other two are somewhat mouthy teenagers.

 

So, no I wouldn't categorize your BABY niece to be trailer trash yet. How she is raised will determine that.

 

As for any other hollow allegations regarding past posts, I'll take them for what it's worth, hollow and with no substance.

[Guest]

And for humor sakes as soon as she was done burning his ears off she sent out an email to everyone she knows (including me) here it is:

 

Life is too short to hold grudges and to get mad about petty things.

 

Life should be enjoyed with the people you love and good friends.

 

Life shouldn't be full of stereotypes; get to know someone before you judge them.

 

Jesus taught to love one another and about forgiveness...does your heart need a new lesson?

 

What Ever

 

This is what bugs me the most! If she really felt this way, she should be calling you, not your husband and her brother and everyone else. She's making assumptions with all of these statements. By sending out this e-mail, she has placed herself in the martyr role with the family, and made you out to look like the bad guy all around. You, my dear, have been set up for the fall!

[KnottyLady]

Wow! What a crazy situation to endure! For a minute it was déjà vu – my exhusband’s family was crazy. If you want, you can borrow air rifle I used to use to use for target practice (you don’t mind that it’s a little worn-out, do you?). Just print up their pictures and you’re ready to go! lol

 

They do things differently than your family, but they invited you to their home, and they are upset that you aren't coming because, they want you there!

 

Vluna, I can relate to you but I’ll have to agree with Bab.

 

Reason being, the lessons I learned from the exH’s “family experience” (to say the least). His family was psycho. They yelled explicatives at each other, never thought twice about muddling into each other business, were extremely critical of each other (translation: gossiping behind each other’s backs) and acted arrogant towards each other. If one gave me the choice of going to his family’s for a short 5 minutes or jump into a shark tank while bathed in blood, I’d choose the shark tank any day any time.

 

Meanwhile, the family I grew up with are loving and warm yet respectful of each other’s boundaries.

 

So we obviously clashed and I would cry and make excuses to not go to their houses but it took a few years before I realized that crazy is the only way they know how to be! To them, THIS is what it meant to be family. I still find hieroglyphics easier to translate but this is what they were brought up with so… Whatever.

 

Not to say that I was SO relieved when we finally decided to call it quits (my SO’s family is SO freaking normal, thank God), but a little understanding AND accepting that your H's family is just... different can help your blood pressure in the long run. Think: "Treat others as you want to be treated" but with a slight twist. People show love differently because they know love differently. One of my girlfriends shows affection by giving "surprise" gifts that she'd thoughtfully pick up during her shopping excursions. Another friend of mine expresses his love to his girl by taking time to fix things around her house. We are all different.

 

They live an hour away and we seem to have to make all the trips to see them. They only visit us when they are down in the "city" running errands. They drop in say hi and leave within an hour.

 

IMO, if they really despised you, they wouldn’t even think of dropping by. Sure it’d be nice for them to actually drive into town and see you and while they’re there, stop by a store, instead of the other way around, but perhaps they’re the kind who hate the city so they’d rather be efficient and bunch it all together. There’s something to be said though about the fact that they even fathomed the thought of stopping by.

 

Now his brother his TWIN brother is obviously upset about losing his other half. He also has the bad habit of visiting only we he has been in town all day and needs to use the facilities before heading back home. You can not say anything against this great brother because my husband gets upset. So I try to be civil.

 

Same goes for your brother. Gosh, I couldn’t stop by someone’s house like that unless it was my immediate family. Again, different viewpoints of politeness, but I really must commend you for trying (even grudgingly) to pick your battles. Couldn’t have been easy.

 

My husband's own mother will look my man in the face and say, "She's the only one who could've put up with you all these years".

 

There’s no easy way to deal with the difficulties of this clash, but Ladyjane14 offered some really great advice. If the mom rules the roost in this family, perhaps developing a relationship with her will change every one else’s mind! Sweetening up to one instead of five people and getting the same (if not better) results sounds like a bargain to me!

 

Good luck on this insanity!

[vluna00]

Well tonight was the night of my SIL's Christmas party. My husband and I talked for a good while last night and we are completely OK with him going on his own. I decided to hang out with my little one while he hangs out with his siblings. Of course we both have no idea what tomorrow holds for us on our decision but as long as we are both agreeing then it really doesn't matter.

 

Thanks for all the comments. I took all your comments to thought and decided the best thing for me to do right now is to make sure that my relationship with my husband is at its peak. As long as that relationship is ok then the rest can fall in place or not. At the end of the day he sleeps with me (as obvious as that can be). He knows that I don't hate his family I just don't know how to deal with them sometimes...er...all the time but with due time either there will be a break through or I will be so numb I wont care anymore. Which ever comes first. Thanks again and if I get bent out of shape again I'll update you all.

[Curmudgeon]

Your story reminds me of my wife's first marriage. Her husband was from Texas. A month or two after the wedding he left for Vietnam (Air Force clerk). After he returned he was stationed in Texas then left the military when his time was up. He wanted to move back "home" to the same small town where his family lived. My wife didn't really cotton to the idea so he abandoned her.

 

She returned from work one evening to find their apartment empty, as well as their bank accounts. End of story ! End of marriage!

 

All too often "small town" men, especially, want to return to the womb. That rarely bodes well for a marriage.

 

I wouldn't feel bad if I were you. This is NOT life as you imagined or wanted it. He'll be perfectly happy where Mommy can take care of him. It's doubtful you ever will be.

[Lennox]

I'm glad you two came to a compromise with him spending the night over there.

 

It can be difficult to deal with family members that are like that. You have to be on guard so that the trashiness doesn't permeate into your home and life. If you can keep that element from entering your home or affecting your home life, you'll be ok.

 

Unfortunately with people like that, you have to be on guard because they'll take and take and take from you and they won't care who they hurt or who's toes they step on in the process.

 

Vent away here if it will help you.

[Pink_Tulip]

Luna- How do your H's siblings treat eachother? Do they cancel on eachother, not drop by, etc?

 

My point is, I am in an interracial marriage myself. The first time I went to spend the weekend at my H's parent's home, I was shocked. I thought I was being treated soooo rudely. I remember the first night we went out to eat, and I brought back a doggy bag of food I was planning on finishing later. I couldn't, b/c one if his brothers took it out of the fridge and ate it himself. When I told my H, (bf at the time) he just laughed and said, 'food never lasts around here!' He has five siblings.

 

It took a while, but I finally realized, they weren't treated me rudely or with disrespect, they were treating me as one of the family. I had no special rights or privilages, people didn't fall all over themselves to accomodate me, not because they were nasty people, but b/c they accepted me 100% as part of the family.

 

I could be wrong, but I suspect if you look at the relationship between the siblings, you will find they treat eachother the way the treat you, and that can feel like they are taking you for granted unless you understand they aren't differentuating your status as non family, know what I mean? Hope that helps.